for 4 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Corrections for the Rest of Us Subject: apology expected This was in the Onion a couple of months ago and is soil-yer-pants funny: 'Correction — On Nov. 9, The Onion erroneously quoted U.S. Rep. Frank McMillan (R-ID) as saying, "Holy living shit, Christ Almighty, this is some good fucking cocaine." In actuality, the Congressman said, "Any attempt to reform Social Security without a corresponding broadbased restructuring of the federal tax code is destined to fail." The Onion regrets the error.' little jimmy <jstattel@hms.harvard.edu> Little Jimmy — Thanks for your note. Generally speaking, the Onion has the soil-yer-pants demographic all sewn up. Here at Suck, we're really aiming more for spotting, cramps, abdominal pain. Thus, Olestra is more of a direct competitor, and I think we're a damn sight funnier than that. As a Harvard Med School student, you surely can appreciate the difference. Best regards, E.L. Skinner  The Suck Advisor: What should I do about my pretentious roommate? Dear Suck, I have a roommate who is, quite possibly, the very embodiment of pretentiousness. And he's a 22-year-old, out of work extra: "I don't drink wine that's under $40 a bottle." "I lived in New York for nine months and now I read 'The New Yorker' because it's the only magazine that can properly update me on what's playing on Broadway (even though I'm living in Toronto)." "Bryan Singer left me a phone message." "Why would I want to go out with the people from work? They don't pay me to hang out with anybody off set." "I've got an audition today for a Rice Krispies commercial." "There — you can just see me walking in the background with my head down, facing away from the camera." Thank you for the article. When the lease is up on my crib, this loser (I live with the putz) is out of my life like shit out of my asshole. To think the inspirations for your article likely aren't an everyday part of your lives. Please wish the same for me. Hurry. Paul Miazga Toronto, Canada <paulmiazga@usa.net> Man, these quotes are NOT true. Please tell me they're not true. Because if they are we're going to fire our entire writing staff and just pay you to send in one real quote from your roommate every day. Your roommate is a fucking genius. I would pay double whatever your rent is for a chance to live with your roommate. Here's how you should make lemonade from this lemon you've got: Do what I did. Get a manual typewriter and a stack of PostIt notes. Every time your roommate utters a particularly memorable nugget, you type it up on a PostIt note and put it up on the wall. In no time you'll have a wall of fame that will be the envy of your neighbors. My roommate was not quite as inspired as yours, but he still managed to come up with some winners: "I'm thinking of doing a Nexis search for cultural buzzwords." "You should try only getting high every other day. That'll put some bounce back in your step!" "We won't get evicted because they know I'm the only one in the building who's not on welfare, who's always there with the money, solid as a greengrocer." And many more that I can't remember. And remember to take the typewriter with you when you leave. When I think back on those days, it's really the typewriter that I miss, not the roommate. yr pal, tim Rough Trade Subject: Oh brave new world that has such acronyms in it B2B (who invents these acronyms anyway?) has very little to do with buying pencils on line. Done properly (as, for example Wal-Mart does it), it's a way of massively streamlining a business model. It's all tied into just-in- time manufacturing, lean inventory, constant quality improvement, and a host of business buzzwords that are dead boring to read about but are probably the reason productivity is growing at maybe 4% instead of 1.5%. In the wonderful world of doubling your money every 20 minutes, going from an annual rate of less than 2% to more than 4% is a rounding error, so naturally interest in B2B focuses on the dot coms (another idiot term...I tell you, we've got to find the person responsible and hurt him seriously) who make the most noise. In the real world, however, a 4% productivity rate means the society gets richer sufficiently quickly as to keep the peasants from revolting. Which is important and a Good Thing. Just don't expect to hear about it on CNBC. Alan S Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> Indeed, B2B seems to have little to do with buying anything online, except for a hope and a promise, and maybe a few million shares of some dubious startup. Most of the business revolutions you've cited have been far more improved by FedEx and email than they will be by dubious "trading exchanges". And even if they do, the technologists will be put into place as the hired help they are. Take, for example, how the Big Three automakers put Commerce One and Oracle in their place, forcing them to play nice and build just one exchange — and not for the price of two, either. Love, Jonathan Subject: nice rap... ...on the nature of the fuzziness between B2B, B2C and, of course, B2ME. Good for you. You have recognized the unbelievable deception about this internet stuff and actually gotten published. Wow, good for you! Today's technology is really cool, but hardly any people really care about that shit. They care about how much it is gonna cost'em and what it's gonna do for'em and that is hardly unreasonable. That is human nature and it will continue on as long as us humans can afford to buy stuff. Really appreciate your perspective. In the long run, this kind of stuff is very important in the face of the outrageous hype about online solutions these days. Doug Cummings <mcmingus@home.com> Lest you think there's any big conspiracy I've overcome, getting published in Suck is easier than you think, and the magic of today's stock market is that day traders are the same folks who watch The X-Files: they want to believe. Outrageous hype requires outrageous measures. Yours, Jonathan Nice piece, Have you seen this site yet (more evidence to the backlash against the whole eCommerce movement...) http://www.blowthedotoutyourass.com/ Brett Baer <bbaer@vr1.com> I've seen some of this wheat-pasted resistance, and find myself wondering if it isn't some kind of wannabe-subversive advertising campaign for Network Solutions. Yours, Jonathan |
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