The Fish
for 4 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Corrections for the Rest of

Subject: apology expected

This was in the Onion a
couple of months ago and is
soil-yer-pants funny:

'Correction — On Nov. 9,
The Onion erroneously quoted
U.S. Rep. Frank McMillan
(R-ID) as saying, "Holy
living shit, Christ Almighty,
this is some good fucking

In actuality, the Congressman
said, "Any attempt to reform
Social Security without a
corresponding broadbased
restructuring of the federal
tax code is destined to

The Onion regrets the error.'

little jimmy

Little Jimmy — Thanks for
your note. Generally
speaking, the Onion has the
soil-yer-pants demographic
all sewn up. Here at Suck,
we're really aiming more for
spotting, cramps, abdominal
pain. Thus, Olestra is more
of a direct competitor, and I
think we're a damn sight
funnier than that.

As a Harvard Med School
student, you surely can
appreciate the difference.

Best regards,

E.L. Skinner
Fish With Letter Icon

The Suck Advisor: What should
I do about my pretentious

Dear Suck,

I have a roommate who is,
quite possibly, the very
embodiment of
pretentiousness. And he's
a 22-year-old, out of
work extra:

"I don't drink wine that's
under $40 a bottle."

"I lived in New York for nine
months and now I read 'The
New Yorker' because it's the
only magazine that can
properly update me on what's
playing on Broadway (even
though I'm living in Toronto)."

"Bryan Singer left me a
phone message."

"Why would I want to go out with
the people from work? They
don't pay me to hang out with
anybody off set."

"I've got an audition today for a
Rice Krispies commercial."

"There — you can just see me
walking in the background with
my head down, facing away
from the camera."

Thank you for the article. When
the lease is up on my crib, this
loser (I live with the putz) is out
of my life like shit out of my
asshole. To think the inspirations
for your article likely aren't an
everyday part of your lives. Please
wish the same for me. Hurry.

Paul Miazga
Toronto, Canada

Man, these quotes
are NOT true. Please tell
me they're not true. Because
if they are we're going to
fire our entire writing staff
and just pay you to send in
one real quote from your
roommate every day.
Your roommate is a fucking
genius. I would pay double
whatever your rent is for a
chance to live with
your roommate.

Here's how you should
make lemonade from this
lemon you've got:

Do what I did. Get a manual
typewriter and a stack of
PostIt notes. Every time
your roommate utters a
particularly memorable
nugget, you type it up on a
PostIt note and put it up on
the wall. In no time you'll have
a wall of fame that will be the
envy of your neighbors.
My roommate was not quite
as inspired as yours, but he
still managed to come
up with some winners:

"I'm thinking of doing a Nexis
search for cultural

"You should try only getting
high every other day. That'll
put some bounce back in
your step!"

"We won't get evicted because
they know I'm the only one in
the building who's not on welfare,
who's always there with the
money, solid as a greengrocer."

And many more that I
can't remember.

And remember to take the
typewriter with you when
you leave. When I think back
on those days, it's really the
typewriter that I miss, not
the roommate.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Rough Trade

Subject: Oh brave new world
that has such acronyms in it

B2B (who invents these
acronyms anyway?) has very
little to do with buying
pencils on line. Done
properly (as, for example
Wal-Mart does it), it's a way
of massively streamlining a
business model. It's all tied
into just-in- time
manufacturing, lean
inventory, constant quality
improvement, and a host of
business buzzwords that are
dead boring to read about but
are probably the reason
productivity is growing at
maybe 4% instead of 1.5%.

In the wonderful world of
doubling your money every 20
minutes, going from an annual
rate of less than 2% to more
than 4% is a rounding error,
so naturally interest in B2B
focuses on the dot coms
(another idiot term...I tell
you, we've got to find the
person responsible and hurt
him seriously) who make the
most noise. In the real
world, however, a 4%
productivity rate means the
society gets richer
sufficiently quickly as to
keep the peasants from
revolting. Which is important
and a Good Thing. Just don't
expect to hear about it on

Alan S Kornheiser

Indeed, B2B seems to have
little to do with buying
anything online, except for a
hope and a promise, and maybe
a few million shares of some
dubious startup. Most of the
business revolutions you've
cited have been far more
improved by FedEx and email
than they will be by dubious
"trading exchanges". And even
if they do, the technologists
will be put into place as the
hired help they are. Take,
for example, how the Big
Three automakers put Commerce
One and Oracle in their
place, forcing them to play
nice and build just one
exchange — and not for
the price of two, either.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: nice rap...

...on the nature of the
fuzziness between B2B, B2C
and, of course, B2ME.

Good for you.

You have recognized the
unbelievable deception about
this internet stuff and
actually gotten published.
Wow, good for you!

Today's technology is really
cool, but hardly any people
really care about that shit.
They care about how much it
is gonna cost'em and what
it's gonna do for'em and that
is hardly unreasonable. That
is human nature and it will
continue on as long as us
humans can afford to buy

Really appreciate your
perspective. In the long run,
this kind of stuff is very
important in the face of the
outrageous hype about online
solutions these days.

Doug Cummings

Lest you think there's any
big conspiracy I've overcome,
getting published in Suck is
easier than you think, and
the magic of today's stock
market is that day traders
are the same folks who watch
The X-Files: they want to

Outrageous hype requires
outrageous measures.


Fish With Letter Icon

Nice piece,

Have you seen this site yet
(more evidence to the
backlash against the whole
eCommerce movement...)

Brett Baer

I've seen some of this
wheat-pasted resistance, and
find myself wondering if it
isn't some kind of
advertising campaign for
Network Solutions.


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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