The Fish
for 3 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Rough Trade

Subject: Oh brave new world
that has such acronyms in it

B2B (who invents these
acronyms anyway?) has very
little to do with buying
pencils on line. Done
properly (as, for example
Wal-Mart does it), it's a way
of massively streamlining a
business model. It's all tied
into just-in- time
manufacturing, lean
inventory, constant quality
improvement, and a host of
business buzzwords that are
dead boring to read about but
are probably the reason
productivity is growing at
maybe 4% instead of 1.5%.

In the wonderful world of
doubling your money every 20
minutes, going from an annual
rate of less than 2% to more
than 4% is a rounding error,
so naturally interest in B2B
focuses on the dot coms
(another idiot term...I tell
you, we've got to find the
person responsible and hurt
him seriously) who make the
most noise. In the real
world, however, a 4%
productivity rate means the
society gets richer
sufficiently quickly as to
keep the peasants from
revolting. Which is important
and a Good Thing. Just don't
expect to hear about it on
CNBC.

Alan S Kornheiser
<ASKornheiser@prodigy.net>

Indeed, B2B seems to have
little to do with buying
anything online, except for a
hope and a promise, and maybe
a few million shares of some
dubious startup. Most of the
business revolutions you've
cited have been far more
improved by FedEx and email
than they will be by dubious
"trading exchanges". And even
if they do, the technologists
will be put into place as the
hired help they are. Take,
for example, how the Big
Three automakers put Commerce
One and Oracle in their
place, forcing them to play
nice and build just one
exchange — and not for
the price of two, either.

Love,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: nice rap...

...on the nature of the
fuzziness between B2B, B2C
and, of course, B2ME.

Good for you.

You have recognized the
unbelievable deception about
this internet stuff and
actually gotten published.
Wow, good for you!

Today's technology is really
cool, but hardly any people
really care about that shit.
They care about how much it
is gonna cost'em and what
it's gonna do for'em and that
is hardly unreasonable. That
is human nature and it will
continue on as long as us
humans can afford to buy
stuff.

Really appreciate your
perspective. In the long run,
this kind of stuff is very
important in the face of the
outrageous hype about online
solutions these days.

Doug Cummings
<mcmingus@home.com>

Lest you think there's any
big conspiracy I've overcome,
getting published in Suck is
easier than you think, and
the magic of today's stock
market is that day traders
are the same folks who watch
The X-Files: they want to
believe.

Outrageous hype requires
outrageous measures.

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Nice piece,

Have you seen this site yet
(more evidence to the
backlash against the whole
eCommerce movement...)

http://www.blowthedotoutyourass.com/

Brett Baer
<bbaer@vr1.com>

I've seen some of this
wheat-pasted resistance, and
find myself wondering if it
isn't some kind of
wannabe-subversive
advertising campaign for
Network Solutions.

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Project Zapster

The idea of thousands of fake
accounts with mislabelled ABH
files is actually a workable
idea. I have a feeling the
movie industry moguls have
already started using this
defensive strategy on
Hotline...

Gordon Stewart
<stewarg@yahoo.com>

But then the geeks are just
going to counter with better
tools. And then Old Media
will come up with some new
scheme. And...

It's the
virus/copy-protection battle
all over again, but with the
roles reversed. Those damned
corporate punks don't care
about anything! They're
anarchists! Anarchists!

Greg Knauss
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


i'm sure i'll have someting
to say once the shock wears
off so please don't
auto-ignore me yet, but i
just had to react to
'zapster' by emailing you one
short note of admiration.

"you guys are like gods."

given religious precident,
please forgive the lack of
definitave proof of strong
supporting argument.

<p0pstar@hotmail.com>

Well, thanks, Mr. Star. We've
always said that definitive
proof isn't needed as long as
you believe. And if you do
believe, send cash now or
we'll kill you.

Suck is an Old God.

Greg Knauss
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Oh you fucked up! I would
hope that this article was
written solely in jest... I
niether represent the
developers or the users of
napster, but in a world where
you pay for the thing God
made for free I say it's time
the people found a way to get
over on the industry. If
people want to trade songs
over the internet to one
another free of charge, so be
it, if you're not a recording
artist or a member of the
conglomerate orginaztions
that have been raping the
finances of the world's
people through the
overpricing of tapes and
CD's, Lp's and 8 tracks, I
dont see what the hell you're
bitching about, Raul.

Additionally, the cost of
music increases almost every
fiscal year, but the question
is, does the salary of the
recording artist also
increase? Very little, and
compared to what the
companies(pimps) make off
thier artists(hoes), they
might as well be recording
for free.

So in conclusion, music is a
gift, it is as nessecary to
the human soul as is water
and air to the body, and
frankly much of the music
that is out today SUCKS, it
must be on the behalf of the
executives, and the
underwriters and the all
CEO's that this article was
written... I enjoy reading
SUCK everday, and this letter
is not to discredit the many
fine editors and journalists
who work for SUCK, it's just
for you RAUL to let you know
that your opinion on this
subject SUCKS, and next time
proof-read your work before
you start opening that
cock-holster of yours to
down-talk anything, I will
also make sure you get alot
of feedback on this one, I
sure I'm not the only one who
thinks you SUCK!!

Joseph Mitchell
<josephcmitchell@hotmail.com>

Well, I'm convinced! Waiter,
I'll have a double of
whatever he's having! And
you'd better tie me down
first.

Greg Knauss
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Where do you get
your demographics?

Being an avid reader of Suck
for about 2 years, imagine my
surprise at having my
demographic nailed so
handily. Not only was I
running my week-old download
of Napster in the background,
but I was also downloading
some cheery NIN to listen to!
Whether you get your
demographics from speculative
wild-eyed intuition or as
part of a bigger corporate
machine, I am very impressed,
if not a little creeped out.
Assuming that young urban
professionals like myself are
the big target for
corporations, I would expect
you to be floating the Suck
IPO from your ad revenue
alone. As far as your Hipster
idea, there will always be
plenty of brand-conscious
people to buy the physical
media. Just look at vinyl
collectors and enthusiasts to
see how outmoded technology
can still keep a warm spot in
the hearts of so many Neil
Diamond aficionados. I see
little to worry about for the
recording industry.

Cheers,

Jason Payne
<jpaynes@peoplepc.com>

I don't know that Neil
Diamond's vinyl sales are
going to keep anybody
waist-deep in cocaine, Jason,
and the market for wax
cylinders isn't what it once
was either. If the industry
can't hang on to young urban
professionals like you, it's
in deep, deep doo-doo.

Oh, and we only nailed your
demographic so well because
of the cameras. Jesus, man,
take your finger out of your
nose.

Greg Knauss
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Our Crass-roots Movement
continued


Subject: Suck forevah, and
evah and evah and evah....

Dear Sucksters....

I noticed (be the thorough
and dedicated reader that I
am...) that Anand Bhat got a
t-shirt for writing an
e-mail! Well, I wrote an
e-mail too. To Shift
Magazine
about their
shiftlist which lists Word,
McSweeney's and the Onion as
their e-zines of choice. So I
wrote them a few choice words
about their lack of
discrimination and taste when
they posted their choices.
Unlike Anand, however I
didn't bother to document the
letter (and I'm too lazy to
write a reproduction),
because I didn't really think
e-mail would count. So, uh,
I' want what's coming to me.
I don't want a t-shirt, but
some stickers would be
nice....or you could print my
letter! Yeah, that would be
the highlight of my week at
least! If you do, don't
forget to print this part:
OTTAWA SENATORS RULE! Well,
OK, I'm done begging. For now
that is!

Regards,

Malcolm Jean
<mjean@fitt.ca>

Attention to detail, Malcolm.
That's the name of the game.
We want to see those choice
words. Also, confronting
publications about their
omission of Suck.com from
their coverage really works
better if you don't lead by
commenting on their lack of
discrimination and taste. You
catch more bees with honey,
baby. First, you flatter and
fawn, then you gently inquire
about why Suck wasn't
included. Petty insults and
foot-stamping really only
work here at Suck, where the
rule is more like, "You catch
more flies with shit."
Everywhere else that stuff
will get you ignored.

And for Christ's sake, let's
see a little effort out
there! We're in an expansive
mood in terms of giving away
free stuff, but all of you's
better be aware that Suck
High Flyer Timothy Tolle has
substantially raised the bar
for what we consider
merch-worthy activity. That
kid got out there, spent his
own money, traveled across
the City of the Angels, and
stood up proudly for what he
believed. There wasn't a dry
eye in the house! You don't
necessarily have to go to
that length, but put some
shoulder into it. This "I
sent an email, where's my
shirt?" business is fine for
the Fish page, but we want to
see style and chutzpah,
creativity and spectacle.
Work the phones! Work the
streets! Make your voice
heard! Don't just think free
merchandise means an
unlimited five-fingered
discount, as if the Suck
storefront window has just
been smashed open by a trash
can (although, of course,
throwing a trash can through
a storefront window is the
type of activity we'd be
inclined to reward).

But no big deal. All we had
to do was publish your
letter. Go Ottawa Senators!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Free Lori

Hi:

I am the father of Lori
Berenson, wrongfully
incarcerated in Peru for four
years and four months. The
webmaster of our
www.freelori.org site sent me
a message from Suck magazine
(March 24) where the writer
mentioned a disappointment
with not receiving an award
but put things in perspective
about disappointments by
mentioning my daughter Lori's
plight.

I must say I had difficulty
figuring out how to email you
and I hope this is going to
the correct address (the
message from the webmaster
came from suck.com). I just
wanted to say thank you for
writing this and mentioning
Lori. I wish she could have a
computer and read your web
site -- but she is denied
anything electronic. She has
no access to radio, TV,
phone, newspapers or
magazines. She is cut off
from the world. She once was
quite proficient with the
computer -- she now has been
cut off for 52 months. She
could never contemplate the
amount of technological
progress that has occurred
since her arrest?

With appreciation for your
concerns,

Mark Berenson
<berenson@freelori.org>

Good luck with your fight.
Glad we could be helpful in
some small way.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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