The Fish
for 30 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Hit & Run

Subject: Get An Editor

Sucksters,

Your unclear piece about
second-tier celebrities
promoting vegeterianism
seemed to either suggest that
the celebrities representing
the cause were embarassing
or, even less clear, that the
cause was more important than
using lame celebrities to
promote it. Clarity could
have been provided if you
would have stated if more
important celebrities would
have furthered the cause (Tom
Cruise biting into soy ribs?)
or if the promotion itself,
because of the innate
lameness of the celebrities,
was degraded.

Also, what did the picture of
Dick Van Dyke have to do with
the piece?

Get an Editor,

Sam Sachdeva
<greensleeve71@hotmail.com>
Library of Congress

We missed you, Sam! There was
a nice three-or
four-month run there, when
you were writing to us from
that Library of Congress
address pert near every day,
reminding us each time that
Suck was intolerable, not
worth the effort, lower than
mouse shit. You didn't mince
words! A handful of your
stern licks:

"Your e-mail address best
summarizes—in Arnold
action speech— today's
column: polly suck."

"...a precursor to the used
rag the Sucksters have become
.... the unfortunate cyncism
that overwhelms all humor in
Suck."

"After reading today's
lengthy, tiring, unfunny
cartoon column, I have
concluded that if Suck
fails—which, it seems to
humble me, is implied in the
content of its
columns—you are most
likely going to end up
writing sitcoms. This, as you
probably agree, would be your
natural home: you're not
funny but think you are, and
you're bland, witless remarks
are disguised as humorous
insights."

"... filled with the
chronially deluded humanity
(represented best by Baby
Boomers), who are sure only
of their vanity, racist
beliefs, and consequenceless
ambition, as the nineties
are."

"Pitiful. Really. In today's
column, you oscillate between
gloating that those of us who
believe a sober Gary Coleman
is funnier and hipper than
the Suck you assembly-line
produce every weekday and
just wish that you were gone
so the domain name were
available, and your satircal
acknowledgement that maybe,
hmmm, could it be, that the
convulated articles aren't
funny. Somewhere, I guess,
you do realize that you
aren't funny—just not
enough to however to get you
to improve your writing."

Sure it stung at first. But
after a while we sort of got
to enjoy the feeling of your
rough justice. There was that
little bit of tension each
morning: Would this issue be
bad enough to warrant a
tough-guy beatdown from Sam
the Man? Fearing that you'd
give us the back of your
hand... Fearing that you
wouldn't...

And then you disappeared,
leaving us confused,
disoriented, daydreaming of
the hour when you'd walk back
into our lives and lay down
the law in man-sized smacks
until we called you Sir.

But now you're back! And
we're never letting you go!
We're bent over and ready to
take what you're handing out!
Lay it right down the middle,
you big silly!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Your responses in The Fish
use to be short and Bitter
now there long and Denis
Miller Like Rants, what
happened did becoming part of
Lycos free up some time or is
because working for Suck is
kind of but not quite like
being unemployed and the
quality of Daytime TV has
gone down ever sense Queen
Latifa got her own show. What
happend to the good old days
when you just called people
"Stupid" these long respones
almost seem like you care and
that would be a major change
in policy.

Ben
<globalbenfinder@hotmail.com>

Ben,

You're stupid.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The Suck Crassroots Movement

Holy shit! You guys got
linked from MSN, MSNBC and
Slate today! I guess you got
some of what you were hoping
for...

...unless it's all just a
crude tactic to placate you
and hope that you go away.
Teddy Roosevelt once
complained that people were
nominating him for the
presidency so that they could
get rid of him.

Nonetheless, the pro-Suck
letter campaign continues.
Who do you think I should try
pestering?

The Pie Guy

Try pestering Total Request
Live. Stand out there in
Times Square with the kids,
tell them you want to say
who's the hottest 'N'
Sync-er, then give a shoutout
to Suck.com.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Sucksters,

Along with reading Suck at
work, one of my many hobbies
is maintaing the

The Christopher Hitchens Web.
I've recently put up a

Suck plug in a brazen attempt
to obtain some free
merchandise. Though the
counter is currently
registering only 29195 hits,
you should know the CHW comes
under regular attack from
anti-Hitchens hackers who
"bomb" the site and return
the counter back to zero. As
for media elite, Michael
Kinsley once e-mailed, making
light of the Hitchens
Memorabilia link. I think
it's probable that others
swing by from time to time
(I'm convinced the loathsome
Tucker Carlson is stealing
his stuff - maybe not from
the website, though) Anyway,
surely this is deserving of
at least a Suck book bag,
although a Suck T-shirt would
look great with the gray
sweat pants and Converse
hightops I don when heading
down to the gym to toss the
medicine ball.

best,

Peter Kilander
<peterk@enteract.com>

Send me your USPS address.
Stickers coming your way.
However, some clarification
is in order:

1. We are definitely NOT
giving out merch to anybody
who puts a link up on his or
her own page. The idea is to
get our readers - who need to
be getting more sunshine
anyway - OUT into the world
and spreading the good news
of Suck

2. I was unable to actually
find your link to Suck. My
associate here assures me it
is on one of the pages
further down, and I'll take
his word for it. However,
front-page placement is
really the least you can do
for Suck.

3. Your page contains links
to seemingly every article
you can find that mentions
Hitchens. Suck has featured
Hitchens prominently in many
articles. Three off the top
of my head: !'s piece on
Edward Said and the art of
newly found heritage. Mr.
Mxyzptlk's on the year of the
snitches
. My own Hit and Run
on Cockburn vs. Hitchens...
And so on. This is a good
time to remind all and sundry
that spreading the good news
of Suck is something you
should be doing as a matter
of course, not just when
we're offering something.

That having been said, I know
you're a longtime reader, and
we're happy to give out merch
to all loyalists. You will be
getting some stickers. But as
Tom Hanks said: Earn this!

yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Dear Polly,

I sometimes think about the
sounds on earth that get
emitted into the universe.
Since the human population is
now responsible for a
considerable part of the
earths water weight it also,
by shear replication,
responsible for certain
patterns in "air waves".

Like for the past few years
there has been a under lying
drone caused by verbalization
of something like "how do you
print the grid lines in
excel?" That of course, it
gets louder around a new
release time.

But I am most certain that on
this day, a sound pattern
following a few hours after
sunrise is emerging that is
reaching the same volume as
the ordinary belch "filler
isn't funny today".

Searching for meaning,

j.
<jharford@deltainternet.net>

Wow. Nice way of building up
to that crushing blow.
Artfully done.

I couldn't agree more,
though. Bad week, just like
the cartoon said. The cartoon
never lies.

Thanks for writing.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

Actually, I'm having one of
those months. Maybe that's
why I can't find anything
even remotely funny about
"Moons Over My Hammy."

Who was that guy you were
having breakfast with? He's
hot. Too bad he's kind of a
moron ... but should that
really matter? Standards such
as intelligence and the
ability to tell good jokes
are for bitter, single, aging
pseudo-intellectuals. Oh,
wait, that's what I am.
Nevermind.

Jean Cousins
<Jean.Cousins@williams.com>

Oh, but you need far less
brains across the Denny's
table than you think, trust
me. Morons can still act
funny — in fact, they're
much better at acting, since
they have to act things out
so often when words fail
them.

Hot is good, particularly for
those who are bored with
pseudo-intellectuals and are
way too bitter to be in the
company of other bitters
without souring on the whole
notion of breathing.

That's my feeling for the
day, anyway.

But growing old and bitter
alone isn't so bad either.
Just, you know, keep good icy
cold beverages in the fridge
and subscribe to lots of
pointless effete magazines.

And isn't it nice, never
having to share?

Sharing selfishly,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


How about just Filler? Seven
days a week?

Huh?

I mean, come on. Who tunes in
for the highbrow meta-media
gripes?

Stephanie Mitchel
<SMitchel@adamstrans.com>

Ah, if only there were seven
Pollys and seven Terrys to
make it so! But then, are
there ever, really, seven
brides for seven brothers?
No. At least two or three
brothers have bad skin or
lame personalities and as
such, remain brideless.

Thanks for the enthusiasm
about Filler. Naturally I
agree that it represents the
cream of the crop, but I also
think that I'm possibly the
smartest and most charming
person that ever lived, so
can I be trusted? I think
not.

I'll agree that no one tunes
in for highbrow meta-media
gripes daily, but the Suck
daily offerings are currently
a lot more interesting and
versatile than you give them
credit for. Hit & Run has run
some great interviews lately,
and I thought The Boob's
spoof of contemporary authors
was hilarious.

Most importantly, your visits
to other Suck pages keep me
in Joan and David boots and
small, overpriced,
attractively packaged bottles
of tea. Plus, those little
bottles of tea keep me happy
and caffeinated which makes
writing remotely amusing
Fillers possible which in
turn keeps you happy.
Win-win!

What's the moral?

a. You make all this possible

b. All this is all about me,
Polly

c. I, Polly, am a mindless
shill for The Man

d. Don't develop an expensive
tea habit or you'll get stuck
writing pointless cartoons
until the cows come home

e. It doesn't matter what
habits you develop because
you'll still get stuck doing
something pointless until the
cows come home.

Where are those stupid cows,
anyway?

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Joey's Nose

Polly-Snookums,

I realize an artist's need to
grow and evolve and all of
that living, breathing
organic type shit, but can
you ask Terry what's going on
with the representations of
Joey over the years? See
enclosed GIF.

Northey
<TrueNorth@DrunkenCompass.com>
 


You've got a point there,
though not as big a point as
the one sitting in the middle
of my face above 1999 in the
attached gif. If ever there
was a time to ask "Is that
your nose or are you eating a
banana?," it's clearly right
now. I think this might even
tie in to all this "Is Joey
gay?" mail we seem to be
getting lately. The way it's
currently represented, my
physiognomy evinces a subtle
homoeroticism, at least
insofar as it places in such
close pixel-proximity an
image of my mouth with that
of a large, flesh-hued
pickle-object. Then again, I
suppose if enough readers
find this kind of thing
wicked hot, we shouldn't
change it. Anything for a few
hits, that's what I say!

Keeping my chin up, hoping
nobody tries to smack it with
a pair of balls,

Joey


This is a question for Terry.
Why is Joey's nose so big,
Terry? Is it because you
think he's a great big liar?

Polly


I'm afraid I have no
explanation for the size and
shape of Joey's nose, just as
I have no explanation for
Joey himself.

Terry
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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