for 30 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit & Run Subject: Get An Editor Sucksters, Your unclear piece about second-tier celebrities promoting vegeterianism seemed to either suggest that the celebrities representing the cause were embarassing or, even less clear, that the cause was more important than using lame celebrities to promote it. Clarity could have been provided if you would have stated if more important celebrities would have furthered the cause (Tom Cruise biting into soy ribs?) or if the promotion itself, because of the innate lameness of the celebrities, was degraded. Also, what did the picture of Dick Van Dyke have to do with the piece? Get an Editor, Sam Sachdeva <greensleeve71@hotmail.com> Library of Congress We missed you, Sam! There was a nice three-or four-month run there, when you were writing to us from that Library of Congress address pert near every day, reminding us each time that Suck was intolerable, not worth the effort, lower than mouse shit. You didn't mince words! A handful of your stern licks: "Your e-mail address best summarizes—in Arnold action speech— today's column: polly suck." "...a precursor to the used rag the Sucksters have become .... the unfortunate cyncism that overwhelms all humor in Suck." "After reading today's lengthy, tiring, unfunny cartoon column, I have concluded that if Suck fails—which, it seems to humble me, is implied in the content of its columns—you are most likely going to end up writing sitcoms. This, as you probably agree, would be your natural home: you're not funny but think you are, and you're bland, witless remarks are disguised as humorous insights." "... filled with the chronially deluded humanity (represented best by Baby Boomers), who are sure only of their vanity, racist beliefs, and consequenceless ambition, as the nineties are." "Pitiful. Really. In today's column, you oscillate between gloating that those of us who believe a sober Gary Coleman is funnier and hipper than the Suck you assembly-line produce every weekday and just wish that you were gone so the domain name were available, and your satircal acknowledgement that maybe, hmmm, could it be, that the convulated articles aren't funny. Somewhere, I guess, you do realize that you aren't funny—just not enough to however to get you to improve your writing." Sure it stung at first. But after a while we sort of got to enjoy the feeling of your rough justice. There was that little bit of tension each morning: Would this issue be bad enough to warrant a tough-guy beatdown from Sam the Man? Fearing that you'd give us the back of your hand... Fearing that you wouldn't... And then you disappeared, leaving us confused, disoriented, daydreaming of the hour when you'd walk back into our lives and lay down the law in man-sized smacks until we called you Sir. But now you're back! And we're never letting you go! We're bent over and ready to take what you're handing out! Lay it right down the middle, you big silly! Sucksters  Your responses in The Fish use to be short and Bitter now there long and Denis Miller Like Rants, what happened did becoming part of Lycos free up some time or is because working for Suck is kind of but not quite like being unemployed and the quality of Daytime TV has gone down ever sense Queen Latifa got her own show. What happend to the good old days when you just called people "Stupid" these long respones almost seem like you care and that would be a major change in policy. Ben <globalbenfinder@hotmail.com> Ben, You're stupid. Sucksters The Suck Crassroots Movement Holy shit! You guys got linked from MSN, MSNBC and Slate today! I guess you got some of what you were hoping for... ...unless it's all just a crude tactic to placate you and hope that you go away. Teddy Roosevelt once complained that people were nominating him for the presidency so that they could get rid of him. Nonetheless, the pro-Suck letter campaign continues. Who do you think I should try pestering? The Pie Guy Try pestering Total Request Live. Stand out there in Times Square with the kids, tell them you want to say who's the hottest 'N' Sync-er, then give a shoutout to Suck.com. Sucksters Dear Sucksters, Along with reading Suck at work, one of my many hobbies is maintaing the The Christopher Hitchens Web. I've recently put up a Suck plug in a brazen attempt to obtain some free merchandise. Though the counter is currently registering only 29195 hits, you should know the CHW comes under regular attack from anti-Hitchens hackers who "bomb" the site and return the counter back to zero. As for media elite, Michael Kinsley once e-mailed, making light of the Hitchens Memorabilia link. I think it's probable that others swing by from time to time (I'm convinced the loathsome Tucker Carlson is stealing his stuff - maybe not from the website, though) Anyway, surely this is deserving of at least a Suck book bag, although a Suck T-shirt would look great with the gray sweat pants and Converse hightops I don when heading down to the gym to toss the medicine ball. best, Peter Kilander <peterk@enteract.com> Send me your USPS address. Stickers coming your way. However, some clarification is in order: 1. We are definitely NOT giving out merch to anybody who puts a link up on his or her own page. The idea is to get our readers - who need to be getting more sunshine anyway - OUT into the world and spreading the good news of Suck 2. I was unable to actually find your link to Suck. My associate here assures me it is on one of the pages further down, and I'll take his word for it. However, front-page placement is really the least you can do for Suck. 3. Your page contains links to seemingly every article you can find that mentions Hitchens. Suck has featured Hitchens prominently in many articles. Three off the top of my head: !'s piece on Edward Said and the art of newly found heritage. Mr. Mxyzptlk's on the year of the snitches. My own Hit and Run on Cockburn vs. Hitchens... And so on. This is a good time to remind all and sundry that spreading the good news of Suck is something you should be doing as a matter of course, not just when we're offering something. That having been said, I know you're a longtime reader, and we're happy to give out merch to all loyalists. You will be getting some stickers. But as Tom Hanks said: Earn this! yr pal, Tim Filler Dear Polly, I sometimes think about the sounds on earth that get emitted into the universe. Since the human population is now responsible for a considerable part of the earths water weight it also, by shear replication, responsible for certain patterns in "air waves". Like for the past few years there has been a under lying drone caused by verbalization of something like "how do you print the grid lines in excel?" That of course, it gets louder around a new release time. But I am most certain that on this day, a sound pattern following a few hours after sunrise is emerging that is reaching the same volume as the ordinary belch "filler isn't funny today". Searching for meaning, j. <jharford@deltainternet.net> Wow. Nice way of building up to that crushing blow. Artfully done. I couldn't agree more, though. Bad week, just like the cartoon said. The cartoon never lies. Thanks for writing. Polly Polly, Actually, I'm having one of those months. Maybe that's why I can't find anything even remotely funny about "Moons Over My Hammy." Who was that guy you were having breakfast with? He's hot. Too bad he's kind of a moron ... but should that really matter? Standards such as intelligence and the ability to tell good jokes are for bitter, single, aging pseudo-intellectuals. Oh, wait, that's what I am. Nevermind. Jean Cousins <Jean.Cousins@williams.com> Oh, but you need far less brains across the Denny's table than you think, trust me. Morons can still act funny — in fact, they're much better at acting, since they have to act things out so often when words fail them. Hot is good, particularly for those who are bored with pseudo-intellectuals and are way too bitter to be in the company of other bitters without souring on the whole notion of breathing. That's my feeling for the day, anyway. But growing old and bitter alone isn't so bad either. Just, you know, keep good icy cold beverages in the fridge and subscribe to lots of pointless effete magazines. And isn't it nice, never having to share? Sharing selfishly, Polly How about just Filler? Seven days a week? Huh? I mean, come on. Who tunes in for the highbrow meta-media gripes? Stephanie Mitchel <SMitchel@adamstrans.com> Ah, if only there were seven Pollys and seven Terrys to make it so! But then, are there ever, really, seven brides for seven brothers? No. At least two or three brothers have bad skin or lame personalities and as such, remain brideless. Thanks for the enthusiasm about Filler. Naturally I agree that it represents the cream of the crop, but I also think that I'm possibly the smartest and most charming person that ever lived, so can I be trusted? I think not. I'll agree that no one tunes in for highbrow meta-media gripes daily, but the Suck daily offerings are currently a lot more interesting and versatile than you give them credit for. Hit & Run has run some great interviews lately, and I thought The Boob's spoof of contemporary authors was hilarious. Most importantly, your visits to other Suck pages keep me in Joan and David boots and small, overpriced, attractively packaged bottles of tea. Plus, those little bottles of tea keep me happy and caffeinated which makes writing remotely amusing Fillers possible which in turn keeps you happy. Win-win! What's the moral? a. You make all this possible b. All this is all about me, Polly c. I, Polly, am a mindless shill for The Man d. Don't develop an expensive tea habit or you'll get stuck writing pointless cartoons until the cows come home e. It doesn't matter what habits you develop because you'll still get stuck doing something pointless until the cows come home. Where are those stupid cows, anyway? Polly Subject: Joey's Nose Polly-Snookums, I realize an artist's need to grow and evolve and all of that living, breathing organic type shit, but can you ask Terry what's going on with the representations of Joey over the years? See enclosed GIF. Northey <TrueNorth@DrunkenCompass.com> 
You've got a point there, though not as big a point as the one sitting in the middle of my face above 1999 in the attached gif. If ever there was a time to ask "Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?," it's clearly right now. I think this might even tie in to all this "Is Joey gay?" mail we seem to be getting lately. The way it's currently represented, my physiognomy evinces a subtle homoeroticism, at least insofar as it places in such close pixel-proximity an image of my mouth with that of a large, flesh-hued pickle-object. Then again, I suppose if enough readers find this kind of thing wicked hot, we shouldn't change it. Anything for a few hits, that's what I say! Keeping my chin up, hoping nobody tries to smack it with a pair of balls, Joey This is a question for Terry. Why is Joey's nose so big, Terry? Is it because you think he's a great big liar? Polly I'm afraid I have no explanation for the size and shape of Joey's nose, just as I have no explanation for Joey himself. Terry |
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