The Fish
for 23 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Do we have any Macedonians in
the audience?


Hello there from sunny
Macedonia... I guess you
don't have slightiest idea
where the hell this country
is, but i think that our
goverment could apply for
your name, Suck, in the UN
(We are referenced there by
some stupid burocrats and
Greece as FYROM, or Former
Yougoslav Republic of
Macedonia).

Anyway, that's not my point.

How do u want to gain some
wider audience if you are so
concentrated on United states
only? There is a lot wider
audience in Europe, app. 300
milions of EU citizens. Did u
ever thought of localisation
for some particular market?
Then, word of mouth will come
up.

Suck.com will be where should
be; number 1 site.

Your regular reader (who,
btw, always reffering you as
n.1 on-line event at many
news groups in .mk domain)

Dragan Tomovski
<tomas@rsc.com.mk>

Good to hear from you,
Dragan. Lucky you, to be
living among the gentle
shepherds and sunswept groves
in the land of Philip and
Alexander. Admittedly, we
haven't thought much about
your charming nation since we
stopped seeing those big
"MACEDONIA IS GREEK!" signs
during Greek Pride Day. But
it's good Macedonians like
you who are helping to build
a more just and prosperous
Europe.

yr pal,

barTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Fuck the pope. His hateful
actions against women and
gays speak louder than his
hypicritical words. The man
makes me puke.

W.Massi/L.Brinkin
<wmassi@wenet.net>

Simmer down, W. The Pope has
never been critical of
hypies. During his 1993
"Culture of Death" tour he
even skipped vespers to catch
the Dead at Red Rock.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: The enemy of my
enemy is my friend.

Dear Sucksters:

Just letting you know I
enjoyed the slag on Ted Rall
in today's SUCK (2000/03/16).

If you haven't seen 'em
already, there's lots of info
about the hilarious Rall v.
Hellman lawsuit at the
following sites:

http://www.dannyhellman.com/

http://www.sper-anza.com/
freedirtydanny/


Please keep up the good
work....if you ever need me,
just reach out and I'll be
there, baby.

dirty danny
<dannyhellman@mindspring.com>

One thing that's always
puzzled me while watching the
Rall-Hellman grudgematch and
noting the various wrestlers
who have weighed in (for
example on Mike Speranza's
petition): Why hasn't
Spiegelman himself ever given
you a vote of support? Not
that it would help with the
suit, but wouldn't that be
the decent gesture?

In any event, I had forgotten
Rall's weinified comments
about litigation and its
place in the coming commie
revolution; I hope this will
serve as one more reminder of
the bankruptcy of
Marxist/Leninist ideas and
encourage everybody to jump
into our great capitalist
hottub, where the water is
always scintillating!

yr pal,

tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Making noise about
you guys

Dear Sucksters,

The February 8, 2000 of PC
Magazine had a list of the
best 100 sites on the
Internet. I was shocked to
find that you were not
mentioned! I wrote an angry
email to them at pcmag@
zd.com . The letter is at the
bottom of this email. I then
read that you were no longer
selling Suck merchandise and
would only give it to people
for their loyalty. I wrote
this email for that reason.
If you think my action is
eligble for a reward, I would
gladly accept it. I will send
a copy of this letter via
snail mail to the PC Magazine
office tommorow.

Keep sucking!

Anand Bhat
<fearx25@hotmail.com>

Dear PC Magazine,

In your February 8, 2000
issue, you had a list of the
100 best sites on the
Internet. Sadly, you did not
mention Suck.com anywhere!
Suck.com is the oldest daily
web publication on the net.
The fact that it did not even
get a mention is an insult to
a site that provides daily
laughs only for the price of
looking at the adds at the
bottom of the screen. The
Sucksters were trying to make
the web the place to be way
before most of the sites you
mentioned had even an inkling
of a idea about what to do
about the medium. To not pay
homage to these pioneers of
content and the web who
deliver low-tech laughs for
four years now is an insult
to readers of Suck.com and
Suck.com itself.

Sincerely,

Anand Bhat
<fearx25@hotmail.com>

Nice work, Anand. Pioneers!
Very rustic!

Your T-shirt is in the mail.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler: Eyeball of the
Beholder


My friend and I are sitting
here drinking heavily wishing
that we had a nice phat bong
to smoke. After reading
today's filler (03/15), we
figured that we should send
you a message telling you
that you're a self-centered,
sarcastic bitch and we love
your stuff. Please don't
change. And don't cry, he
wasn't worth your time. I saw
his webpage and you're MUCH
too cool for him.

Jorge Vendez
<jvendez@hotmail.com>

A nice phat bong? God, I'm
old.

But being old means that not
only am I too cool for Cisco,
but I'm also too cool for
school.

And school's cool!

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Hell Hath No Fury...

Shnookums,

You'd think after all these
years I'd know to hit the F7
key for spell check when I'm
done typing something.
Actually I spelled it right
because I meant to say that
you are hooked into an
ethereal cyber world just
like serial experiments lain
(http://angelfire.com/
co/cisco/ lain.html) or
something. Thank you. You
really made my day. I mean
it. I spend all night running
low level UNIX programs and
trying to make a website with
MS paint and a crappy
scanner. I'm amazed at the
fact that I can enjoy mean
spirited condescension
(besides mine), and that I am
becoming a regular at your
mag. Oh God I have no life.
The wedding is back on but
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to insist you get pupils
first.

Love,

Cisco Velasquez,
<fvelasqu@ball.com>

Oh, don't go trying to
impress me with your job
skills now, buddy. I already
issued new invitations,
spinning the wedding as a
"celebration in my honor" and
urged all those invited to
bring those wedding gifts
anyway. I'm still registered
at Macy's and everything.
Hey, I don't have to get
married to get all the
delightful serving trays and
wine glasses and sugar bowls
that I deserve.

Pupil-less and proud,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I would find it very useful
for you to mention how MANY
pages the story is on, on the
first page. That way, one
knew how much reading there
were to be done, and could
digest to that, or probably
choose not to read it.

BTW, do you have a steady
schedule for each week on
SUCK.com?

Jonas Skov Madsen
<Jonass@vip.cybercity.dk>

Now why would I give you
information that might lead
you not to read the column?
That's like using a teaser
that says: "Next week, even
more pointless, rambling crap
that it'll take too long to
read." Then again, I think
I've used that one already.

Wednesday is Filler, Thursday
is Hit & Run, and all the
other days are whatever we
feel like publishing then.
Essays, mostly.

While we're making helpful
suggestions, though, let me
suggest that you rethink that
email address.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Misspellings?

Polly,

I must say I take offense to
the fact that you seem to
mostly publish emails from
people who have some type of
misspelling in their
messages. I dare say you
don't actually get that many
emails with poor spelling,
and sometimes it seems like
you just throw in a
misspelled word of your own
just to spice things up for
Filler.

Stop the lie! Many email
programs come equipped with
spell checkers, so there
can't be that many bad
spellers out there.

Sincerely,

Chris Druckenmiller
<cdrucken@DigitalRiver.com>

Well, that goes to show how
much you know.

So there.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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