The Fish
for 21 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Feel-Bad TV

Nice work, uh, Destiny. It
seems like it became
fashionable a few years back
to write Letterman off, claim
that he'd lost it, etc., when
in fact, as his recent trip
up and back from the big
yonder has proven, he is as
he always was — self-plagued
and touched with comic
brilliance, surly as hell,
obsessed with good, original
craft, and appalled at his
own attempts to achieve it.
I've loved his work since I
was 16, and still do,
unapologetically. Your piece
really did him justice, I
think. Cheers.

Andy Markham


People cap on Letterman for
his ironic detachment —
but that was the prevailing
motif when Letterman was
coming up in the 70s. Film
was busy hailing
so-called "eccentrics" like
Martin Mull and Andy Kaufman,
who hid their entire
personality behind a facade
("Trying to analyze it is
like trying to analyze a
dream or an Abstract
Expressionist painting.").

The spookiest thing about
Letterman's detachment is:
it's real. In Bill Carter's
Late Shift, there's a
revealing anecdote about the
station break during an
interview with Teri Garr.
"Letterman grabbed a pad on
his desk and scribbled a note
that he passed back to her.
The note read; 'I HATE

When Teri Garr tried to
reassure the neurotic talk
show host, "he grabbed the
note back, underlined 'I HATE
myself' twice, and shoved it
back at her."

Fish With Letter Icon


In his letter, Scott Pactor
echoes Dave Eggers's
complaint that reading Suck
is like having someone
yelling in your ear. Might I
suggest that perchance their
ears are too tender... which
if true is quite allright.
Some people go for speed
metal or rap, others, easy
listening or r&b. It takes
all kinds.

If forced to choose between
Suck and McSweeney's, I'd
have to go with Suck. Why buy
the cow when you can get the
milk for free? Plus, a fresh
edition arrives at one's
monitor each weekday morning.
Cheap and easy. Moreover,
it's in technicolor. The good
folks at McSweeney's more or
less lifted its old-timey
look from The Baffler and
they're always whining, "give
us money, give us more
money." At least when
Sucksters whine they don't
hit you up for cash. No
contest, I say.


Peter Kilander

Are you sure that's a the
best way to judge the quality
of a published collection -
by how often the author asks
for money?

Maybe we should start asking
for money, too. Our new
motto: "It will be less
difficult now that we have
your money."

Forever free,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Coincidence?

How is it that Scott Proctor
(The Fish, 3/13) has ceased
to read Suck on a daily basis
but caught your piece dealing
with David Egger's new book?

Did he just "happen" to hit
the site on that day in the
hopes of finding a piece that
would be less harsh on his
tender ear?

Sounds suspiciously like my
old roommate who would
"happen" to grab the wrong
box in the adult section of
the video store.

And hey, if you've got it,
you may as well watch it.

Give me a fucking break;
admit there is nothing out
there like Suck, guilty
pleasure or not.

The content at McSweeney's
site is cute and amusing, but
so is my girlfriend.

Your Mr. d'Arcy once
insinuated that I was the
stupidest man in America, and
I still read Suck every day.

Getting off on whiny crit.

Michael Clausen

Your girlfriend is cute and
amusing and you're
complaining? You truly are a
natural born Suck reader.

Whining about getting off,

Fish With Letter Icon


Amazed that, in your
otherwise shrewd coverage of
the "Choose Life" license
plates, you missed the
clearest sign that advocates
were more interested in PR
than in substance. Almost a
year ago, leaders of the
Florida state legislature
offered backers of the plates
a compromise: same children's
drawing, new motto: "Choose
Adoption." After all, the
stated goal of the plates is
to encourage more people to
adopt, no? No. The compromise
was rejected.

The same people who support
the plates, by the by, also
oppose adoption by single
people and gay couples, while
thousands of kids remain
trapped in orphanages and
foster care, dreaming
desperately of an adoptive

When you care enough about
one "truth," mere
demonstrable facts are
irrelevant. There's a reason
the Pope did not apologize
for protestants!

Harry Matthews

You're right: such an offer
was declined, for the vague,
feet-shuffling reasons one
would expect.

Further proof that the
concept of politicizing
license plates is ludicrous
is that "Choose Adoption"
doesn't really make sense as
a slogan, either. In fact,
I'm pretty sure if my father
had seen a bunch of "Choose
Adoption" plates during our
family's 1976 packed-car trip
to Disney World, I'd have a
different last name now.

Fish With Letter Icon

What an issue. What's next,
regulating bumper sticker
makers? More directly,
regulating the U.S. mail
system so that no political
literature may pass through
those sacred walls.

Victim of CrimeThink,

Pablo Money

I'm holding my breath for
commemorative stamps.

Fish With Letter Icon

Fabulous. Absolutely
fabulous. I'm tempted to take
a few moments to ask you why
I should care what some
Floridian puts on the back of
his/her car, but I have a
much more pressing question.

How did Polly find her way
onto Utah's license plate?

Sucking up,

Ben Levin

I think she was put there to
distract sharp readers like
you from asking potentially
embarrassing questions like
"Why should I care about this

Fish With Letter Icon

The ruling I would issue,
were I at the bench (and I'm
not), would go as follows:

"The whole problem with the
question of abortion is the
gross oversimplification of
the issue, by the
power-grubbing extremists on
BOTH sides of the proverbial

"Pro-lifers would expect a
victim of rape or incest to
carry the product of that
hateful act fully to term.
Pro-choicers would have you
believe that the unborn
child, right up until exit
from the womb, is not even a
living thing, much less a
human being; and that
abortion is not even killing,
much less murder.

"Until reason prevails at
last, the State shall
encourage and, where
appropriate, even sponsor
open debate on the question
of abortion. However, the
Division of Motor Vehicles
will NOT be the forum for
that debate."

Case dismissed.

Alan Augustson

You're definitely not going
to get that bench appointment
after this sees print.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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