The Fish
for 20 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Sucking Up

Subject: Don't touch the

Greetings, salutations... all
that rot.

I am (unfortunately) writing
from second period in a
Catholic High School in South
Louisiana.... you do not know
hell like I do. Being in
computer class, reading Suck
to kick off the day is the
only thing that keeps me
sane. Consider daily Suck
school violence prevention.
I've been reading Suck
religiously for quite a while
now, but I must say I'm a
little disappointed with your
desperate attempt at getting
plugs from your readers. I do
my part... I occasionally
send links to my friends if
Filler is particularly funny,
I click on the banner every
now and then just to keep you
guys in the biz, but I'll not
shamelessly plug Suck (no
matter how much I love it)
for the sake of a Canadian,
crackhead bunny on my shirt.
Well, come to think of it, it
doesn't sound like that bad
of an idea. Hmm. Does
graffiti count? I'll send

A Suck Zombie,

Prominently placed graffiti
definitely counts. We'll
publish the pictures here.

Remember, it has to say, not just Suck. And
it has to be seen by many
people. Restroom graffiti
does not count.

We're not suprised that you
won't go out of your way to
save the rabbit. You Catholic
school victims are
notoriously selfish. Oh well,
whatever it takes to survive.

Get out that spray paint

Promoting juvenile
delinquency since 1995,


[A Very Special Announcement:
Regular readers of The Fish
will recall our recent
for a public
declaration of Suck love
during the USC Online
Journalism Conference. We're
happy to report that one Suck
reader, Tim Tolle of West
Covina, CA, managed to pull
off this trick, and he will
be rewarded. In addition to
receiving quality Suck
merchandise, Mr. Tolle is now
a lifetime member of the Suck
High Flyers Club, with all
the benefits and privileges
pertaining thereto.
High-bandwidth readers can enjoy
Mr. Tolle's prank at the USC
Fish With Letter Icon

Oxygen Tent

Hi. Just a faithful reader

At first I thought, sure -
maybe I'm just ignorant. I
only have a BA and an MA in
Broadcasting and Mass Comm
(respectively), which means I
partake of very little mass
media and read a lot of

What in the heck is a
"second-wave power salute?"

Dale Baker

There's a popular contention
that the feminist movement
can be pegged in three waves
- the first being Elizabeth
Cady Stanton and Women's
Suffrage, the second being
Gloria Steinem and Women's
Lib, the third being ... uh,
well, the third being Naomi
Wolf. Clearly, there's
incentive to revisit women's
libber history.

Fish With Letter Icon

Oh sure, Oxygen Media's cable
programming may suck, but how
could you write an entire
column on the topic without
mentioning the far more
successful, far more
ubiquitous, and far suckier
Lifetimes channel?

Ralph Ward

Lifetime is so bad it's fun
to watch, and drink to (drink
one if the husband is
cheating, drink two if it's
with the protagonist's best

Oxygen, on the other hand, is
so self-consciously
non-Lifetime as to be boring.
There's no fun factor there
at all.

Fish With Letter Icon

Great article, but can you
name any women's or men's
sites or networks for that
matter, which DON'T pitch
heavy consumerism in the name
of content? I can only think
of Adbusters and some .org
sites, public access TV and
C-SPAN. Is it possible to
develop advocacy along with
capitalism? I know Oxygen is
talking about this.

Vicki Webb

No, precisely because they're
targeting a very specific
audience for the sake of
raking in ad dollars.
Nobody's promoting mothballed
gender stereotypes out of a
sense of altruism; they're
all hoping to mine a buck.

Fish With Letter Icon


Amazed that, in your
otherwise shrewd coverage of
the "Choose Life" license
plates, you missed the
clearest sign that advocates
were more interested in PR
than in substance. Almost a
year ago, leaders of the
Florida state legislature
offered backers of the plates
a compromise: same children's
drawing, new motto: "Choose
Adoption." After all, the
stated goal of the plates is
to encourage more people to
adopt, no? No. The compromise
was rejected.

The same people who support
the plates, by the by, also
oppose adoption by single
people and gay couples, while
thousands of kids remain
trapped in orphanages and
foster care, dreaming
desperately of an adoptive

When you care enough about
one "truth," mere
demonstrable facts are
irrelevant. There's a reason
the Pope did not apologize
for protestants!

Harry Matthews

You're right: such an offer
was declined, for the vague,
feet-shuffling reasons one
would expect.

Further proof that the
concept of politicizing
license plates is ludicrous
is that "Choose Adoption"
doesn't really make sense as
a slogan, either. In fact,
I'm pretty sure if my father
had seen a bunch of "Choose
Adoption" plates during our
family's 1976 packed-car trip
to Disney World, I'd have a
different last name now.

Fish With Letter Icon

What an issue. What's next,
regulating bumper sticker
makers? More directly,
regulating the U.S. mail
system so that no political
literature may pass through
those sacred walls.

Victim of CrimeThink,

Pablo Money

I'm holding my breath for
commemorative stamps.

Fish With Letter Icon

Fabulous. Absolutely
fabulous. I'm tempted to take
a few moments to ask you why
I should care what some
Floridian puts on the back of
his/her car, but I have a
much more pressing question.

How did Polly find her way
onto Utah's license plate?

Sucking up,

Ben Levin

I think she was put there to
distract sharp readers like
you from asking potentially
embarrassing questions like
"Why should I care about this

Fish With Letter Icon

The ruling I would issue,
were I at the bench (and I'm
not), would go as follows:

"The whole problem with the
question of abortion is the
gross oversimplification of
the issue, by the
power-grubbing extremists on
BOTH sides of the proverbial

"Pro-lifers would expect a
victim of rape or incest to
carry the product of that
hateful act fully to term.
Pro-choicers would have you
believe that the unborn
child, right up until exit
from the womb, is not even a
living thing, much less a
human being; and that
abortion is not even killing,
much less murder.

"Until reason prevails at
last, the State shall
encourage and, where
appropriate, even sponsor
open debate on the question
of abortion. However, the
Division of Motor Vehicles
will NOT be the forum for
that debate."

Case dismissed.

Alan Augustson

You're definitely not going
to get that bench appointment
after this sees print.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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