The Fish
for 16 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
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Art Director


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Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
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Copy Editor


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Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

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Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


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Copy Editor


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Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
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Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
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Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
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Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Hit & Run


I couldn't help but notice a certain
irony in your piece on the pro
Confederacy rally in Alabama this
week. It stuck me as odd that you
would choose to use that piece to
follow the interview with Starchild,
Libertarian candidate for the
California State Assembly. If you
folks could, just for one moment,
get off your "holier than thou"
stump and check the facts of
history, you would realize that the
War Between the States was not
about slavery, but was instead a
secession based on irreconcilable
differences based on economy.

Please read the following for a
layman's view of reality:

Please note that both L. Neil Smith
and Vin Suprynowicz are
Libertarians, and the last time I
checked, neither owned slaves. I
would also defy you to paint
Murray Rothbard
as a racist.

It is possible to have differing
views on the states right to
secession from the union without
being a racist as well. Were some
of the protesters in Alabama
there because they fear progress
for minorities? I'm sure they were.

Are some of the people who
misguidedly choose to lump all of
the protesters into one group of
racists and bigots with sentences
like: "League officials insist, of
course, that the Southern heritage
they're talking about isn't racism
but states' rights and Christian
morality, leaving us to marvel at
the sheer force of will necessary
to believe in a history made up of
only those things that went on
between lynchings." Ignorant
stooges of government school
systems regurgitating the
victor's view of reality? I'm sure
they are.

One more note: Neither the
Rampart squad in LA nor the Diallo
incident took place in Alabama.
Seems like you jerks have a few
toothless assholes in your
own backyard.

Clean up your act and stop taking
cheap shots at the South out
of ignorance.

Jefry Allen

Oh please, Jefry. If I wanted
to hear the same old song for
the millionth time I'd listen
to my local classic rock
station. What always puzzles
me when I hear this familiar
refrain about how the War of
Northern Aggression was
actually about states' rights
and economic differences
— aside from the fact
that the people making the
argument seem unaware that
we've all heard all of this
many times before — is
why it always ellides the two
obvious followup questions:

1. States' rights to do what


2. On what peculiar
institution was the South's
distinctive economy based?

By not answering these
questions, the little
intellectual mentors whose
sites you link conveniently
manage to keep their
discussion on the real and
imagined foibles of Lincoln
and the Union, rather than on
any acts of volition by the
Confederacy, as if it were
not Southerners who fought to
maintain the slave-owning way
of life, who chose to secede
even before Lincoln's
inauguration, and who fired
the first shots of the war.
Those of us who can hack it
in the real world are less
concerned about Abe's moral
character or the unsullied
virtue of the Union than you
guys always seem to imagine.
The important points are that
from 1776 to 1861 slavery was
an overwhelming burden on the
country, that it was a big
enough problem to divide the
nation in a war, and that in
the end the war had the best
possible outcome.

What troubles me even more is
that, by endlessly repeating
their unsupported assertions,
the Confederacy's apologists
have actually had some
effect, so that many
Northerners, who already feel
guilty about everything else,
now even feel guilty about
the Civil War. Well I have no
such conflicts. I've got
Bluebelly dead on both sides
of the old family tree, and
I'd happily kick your ass for
doubting the value and
nobility of their sacrifice.
But since the Hit and Run you
mention was written by a
first-time Suckster who hails
from the Heart of Dixie, who
dayjobs at Tuscaloosa's most
distinguished weekly Koupon
Klipper, and whose work we
look forward to publishing
again in the future, such
patriotic showboating is
unnecessary. But just to
reiterate, the Civil War was
about slavery, and the fact
that some guy who calls
Abraham Lincoln a Bolshevik
says otherwise does not
change that.

As for the overall secession
issue, you're more right than
you deserve to be. There
isn't a single state in Dixie
I wouldn't be happy to see
leave the Union. But you and
your pals need to find a
fresher casus belli than the
one you're using now. The
Confederate cause was
undermined by the
overwhelming force of Federal
arms, the overwhelming logic
of history and now by the
overwhelming majority of
Southerners themselves. Move
on already. You guys are not
only dull but a cause of
dullness in others.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

"League officials insist, of
course, that the Southern
heritage they're talking
about isn't racism but
states' rights and Christian
morality, leaving us to
marvel at the sheer force of
will necessary to believe in
a history made up of only
those things that went on
between lynchings."

This is pretty poisonous. Are
you sure your state has an
impeccable record with regard
to racism?


The hit and run in question
was written by an Alabaman.
Fish With Letter Icon

Hello from post-antebellum
Alabama. I'm still trying to
pry myself out of the
instinctive cringe I curled
into after the Southern
League march to git back our
Confederate flag. Like most
southerners with uppity book
learning, I'm always torn
between (1) trying to defend
my home state, which has some
good points, no really, and
(2) slack-jawed horror at how
we seem able to shitcan even
the simplest good PR

That said, I have to offer
thanks for the velvet glove
over that all- too- well
deserved fist in Hit & Run.
The Southern League
exemplifies the absolute
worst fecal pit of southern
culture, and if I could jab a
lit cigarrette in the eye of
each League member, I would
gladly do so. But at least
you were nice enough to
leaven the mockery we earn
with a little bit of
sympathy. Some of us down
here in the cracker trenches
are still trying to improve
the place, at least by
cultural osmosis, and we can
live for a month on a scrap
of appreciation. And oh yeah,
Roll Tide and all that shit.

chris m

If we seemed to insinuate
that the great state of
Alabama was lacking in good
points, this was purely
unintentional, and we
apologize. We are confident
that the Camellia State has
many good bragging points
— not least among those
that it is the home of the
great painter Thornton Dial,
and that it incited the
pissing competition between
Neil Young and Lynyrd Skynyrd
with which the free trade
zone is still rockin'.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

I appreciate your interviews.
Your hard-hitting, hardball
interviewers have the
capacity to show up fakes,
flakes, and frauds as well as
occasionally showcasing the
hidden power and beauty of
well reasoned thought given a

On first look, I'd have
supposed Starchild a flake.
But he mocked my
preconceptions (and yours
too, I dare say) by having
quite a bit to say for
himself and his party.
Whether you agree with the
libertarians or not, give him
his due — Starchild is an
eloquent and unpretentious
spokesman for their point of

As usual, your interview was
both forceful and gracious,
asking tough questions but
giving your subject room to
respond. Chris Matthews could
learn from you.

I appreciate Suck's
beach-combing approach to
cultural exposition.
Occasionally, your efforts
result in a rare find, such
as today's political

Faithfully yours,

Richard Banks

Would you expect anything
less than hard- hitting,
hardball interviews from a
bunch of hard- ons like

Ineloquent, pretentious

Fish With Letter Icon

Um, not to be too blunt about
it, but your "elephant in the
room" piece has some stunning
similarities to the "500
pound gorilla" article that
ran in The Wall Street
Journal a few years back.


Yeah, but they shamelessly
stole our "Ten pounds of shit
in a five pount bag" article
from a few years back.

Fish With Letter Icon

Thank you for doing the piece
on Libertarian candidate
Starchild. The Party needs
all the exposure it can get.
Good job!

Tom E Thomas

Mega-shazbots to you,

Fish With Letter Icon


Hey, I don't know how it
happened exactly that my team
and website ended up on your
site but our hits quadrupled


Laurie (I'm one of those
women up on the ellie)

We needed some interesting
ellie sites, and you gals
were the winners. And I'll
bet they told you elephant
polo skills weren't

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: The

Thank God you're finally
being up-front about Joe
being gay. I mean, that
*sweater*. I stopped wearing
Forenza in 1988, thanks.

You're pretty cool.

John Kusch
Milwaukee, Wisconsin jonjon

Yeah, but when you did wear
Forenza, I bet you wore the
sweatshirts that had the huge
letters across the front and
back, like those "Frankie
Say: Relax!" T-shirts.

Still wearing Hunters' Run

Fish With Letter Icon

a little bird told me that
you live in LA...are you

Ryan Medlin

A little bird told me that
you piss in the shower.

Does that answer your

Fish With Letter Icon

Letter of the Week

Subject: Pregnancy and Witch

Hi I know a Marine at Camp
Pendleton and his wife. She
claims shes been pregnant
since Aug 22 1999. She claims
shes still pregnant and its
been 14 and 1/2 months
pregnant. In August she told
my wife that shes 9 months
pregnant. Then in September
she was asked she said she
was 9 and 1/2 months pregnant
that was the middle of
September. Then in October
she said she was 10 and 1/2
months pregnant The Military
hospital didnt want to take
the baby out because she
claims the baby was
premature. It wasnt born so
how does she know the baby is
premature? Well a normal
pregnancy is 9 months and no
later. Then she was asked
again. She said in November
she said she was 11 and 1/2
months pregnant. Camp
Pendleton Hospital OB told
her the baby was breeched
birth. She went to a witch
doctor to get the baby turned
around. Now its Almost March
and she claims shes still
pregnant. She says they are
inducing labor.

What do you think? Is it a
hoax or what?

John Ken Col

Oh, it's no hoax. She's
telling you the absolute
truth. You can be pregnant
indefinitely. We know a woman
who was pregnant for 10
years. You can imagine her
relief when she finally gave
birth to a 10-year-old a few
months ago!

How insensitive of you to
doubt this poor woman! You
are perhaps her only source
of comfort and support during
this very trying time. But
instead of lending her a
hand, here you are,
snickering behind her back!

Shame on you!

Fish With Letter Icon

Vengeful Press

Subject: That whacky
Cyber-southern dialect

Just in case none of your
astute Atlanta readers
bothered to let you know the
Atlanta Journal Constitution
this morning (3/10) ran a
story by one Jeffry Scott
(, staff
writer, under the banner of
Digital Living: Reports from
the E-World. This article was
titled "*@#!.com: Revenge
sites thrive on the Internet"
and is his expose of what he
calls the ""
phenomena of pissed off
consumers taking their
whining to the web. What is
more he quotes a Mr. Richard
Hatch of as
describing himself as "the
guru of suck-dot-com" (note
the singular). Was this a
mere slip of the tongue? A
demonstration of how far the
name has penetrated
our subconscious? Or a crass
attempt to shift the credit
(and blame) for onto
his own shoulders? Only Mr.
Hatch knows for sure.

Paul McKay
Assistant Engineer

So why are you telling us?
You should be telling the
Journal-Constitution. Write a
letter to the editor
mentioning If it
gets published send it to us
and you'll receive a Suck
t-shirt and other fine
paraphernalia. You might want
to point out that The
Original offers a
level of sophistry and
merriment that is far above
the dummkopf disgruntlement
of Mr. Hatch and his
unauthorized title (and it is
unauthorized; since we
encourage all our readers to
think and act for themselves,
we would never award a title
of "guru" to anybody, let
alone Mr. Hatch). Write
whatever you please, but get
us a mention on their letters
page and you'll get stuff.
That's a real offer, fair and

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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