The Fish
for 13 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Don't Tell, Don't Tell

Subject: The Military or

I suspect that the readers of
'Soldier' didn't look far
enough into the big picture.
At least when I wrote
human-interest articles for
the Groton Navy Times, I put
hidden content in there to
say things otherwise
censored. This can also be
said for many of the
journalists and some editors
I worked for. You'd be amazed
what we came up with to tell
the real story without
writing it. A great example
was the moniker "PAO" -Public
Affairs Office. Like a great
many other offices, the PAO
had its own emblem and an
artsy-fartsy design. Like any
good psychoanalisys test, the
logo had two images. The
first, "PAO" stood out, but
"FTN" -short for Fuck The
Navy - was hidden nicely
among the artsy lines.

All you have to do is poll
most of the rank and file and
the rosy image of brave men
jumping from helicopters to
the tune of Stars and Stripes
Forever, soon vanishes.

Good piece, but look closer
next time. You might see that
huge #6 screw jammed firmly
up daddy's ass in the picture
hanging on the wall.


Mike Carter

The rosy image of brave men
jumping from helicopters to
the tune of Stars and Stripes
vanished, for me, at the
reception battalion, in the
"zero week" before I started
basic training. It's gone
downhill from there, pretty

But the possibility that the
post newspaper is running
secret messages makes things
a little more interesting. I
will closely scrutinize all
stories and images...

Fish With Letter Icon


good job on the suckdotcom
article. When I was in
Stewart we had a security
rotation for the SOA's and I
politlely asked my CO if he
could leave me out of
watching that stupid shit. To
my suprise the Cap was
sypathetic and let me stay
back for the week. Fuck that
place. NE ways- what the hell
are you still doing in
Benning now that you got yer
cord??? OCS? Green Barrret?
Or are you stationed there on
the hill? BTW I understood
the jargon because I went
through all that Shit that
yer going through, but I'm
sure yer going to get some
letters to the effect of
"What are you talking

Later Dude

Cisco Velasquez

I'm still at Benning because
the army, in its infinite
wisdom, has assigned me to
the 1/29th. Which is the unit
that supports mechanized
infantry training at the
Infantry School. So I pretty
much do PMCS on a bunch of
Bradleys, and sweep the motor
pool, and pull guard on
training sites. It's really,
really unthrilling. But being
here allows me to go to
classes at night, and write,
and I wouldn't be doing any
of that in a line unit, so
what the hell. Be awfully
good to get home.

In the meantime, I'm thinking
of stapling my blue cord to a
broom, so I can have it with
me at work.

You might have missed a
fascinating chance to see
into the belly of the beast,
by the way, with that request
to get out of SOA guard duty.
All the SOA students eat in
the same DFAC I use, and I
greatly enjoy my little
private rounds of the
spot-the- human-rights-
violator game...

Fish With Letter Icon

So, remind me - why exactly
*did* you join up anyway?

Nice piece - always good to
hear from you. Colburn and
Thompson are major-league,
world-class heroes. It's too
bad you didn't have more
space to go into just how
loathed and despised they
have been by Army Brass for
the last 30 years. What
surprised me about your story
was that these guys would
have been allowed through the
doors, let alone been invited
to speak, at a fascist soiree
like the SotA.


Sadly, as you noted, they
are, like most real-life
heroes, unreflective and
somewhat inarticulate with
regards to the larger issues
that surround the events in
which they found themselves.
Too bad that broom-pushing
PFC couldn't ask a few pithy

Be well and don't play with
the Claymores.

Dr. Robert

I joined because, uh...

Had to rub that one in, huh?

And, you know, playing with
Claymores is one of the few
things I've enjoyed here.
LOUD! BOOM! And then this big
cloud of dust and debris.
Beats pushing a broom.

peace on earth,

Fish With Letter Icon


When are you going to get
some more shirts and
stickers? I am itching to do
my duty as an American and
spend money I don't have on
crap I don't need.

Mark Barrett

We have new merchandise
coming in, Mark. But as we
have already explained, this
will not be
for sale. If you want Suck
, you've got to earn it.
For details, follow the link

Fish With Letter Icon

Chuck E. Chief

i am a student at Central
Michigan University. an issue
on campus is our beloved
mascot: a Chippewa Indian. at
this time the political
correctness of our mascot is
being challenged. i was
wondering if SUCK has an
opinion on the issue. the
reason i ask is that i cannot



On the one hand, my gut
reaction is: Oh, don't be
churlish. Give the Indians
what they want. On the other
hand, there's the Drew Carey
reaction: Hey Indians, if you
don't like it you should have
fought harder. Since I can't
decide between the two, I
will revert to Suck's
official position, which is
that all are guilty and all
must be punished.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Bush Bounces Back

Two things come to mind
reading your Suck piece
today. First of all, W is not
"Jr." HW is not "Sr."

The reason is that W is "W"
and HW is "HW".

Second, have you noticed the
eerie similarity between your
piece and the "Dept. of
Alliteration" thing being run
in Slate today? That must be
extremely irritating.



Irritated? My editor, Mr
d'Arcy, appears before
Congress this afternoon to
discuss the on-line humor
monopoly Microsoft is
currently creating. You see,
they give you a near
identical product to ours but
bundle all their humor with
software that hamstrings
anyone else's jokes. You'll
be reading our joke and then
only be able to get to the
CNN weather report site for
the punchline. Thankfully,
Ms. Reno is sympathetic to
our cause. Or she will be, as
long as Bartel keeps a lid on
that Waco obsession of his
... you can't even have a
drink with him anymore. He's
always pulling out "video
proof" of the whole damn

Anyway, wait'll we release
Suckdows 01 next year, pal,
then we'll see who's

Bertolt Blecht
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The McCainchurchian

If I were Bush, I'd also
raise troubling doubts about
McCain's potential for
Manchurchian Candidate-ism;
after all, McCain was in that
POW camp for more than 4
years — who knows what
those godless commie rats did
to him? At the next debate,
Bush ought to get some intern
to dress up like the Queen of
Diamonds, or suggest to
McCain that he ought to go
jump in a lake, just to see
what happens.

Richard Von Busack

Our feeling is Bush won't
touch that, Richard. After
all, Junior spent four years
at Yale #&151 and God knows
what those commie rats did to

Bertolt Blecht
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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