The Fish
for 10 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


When are you going to get
some more shirts and
stickers? I am itching to do
my duty as an American and
spend money I don't have on
crap I don't need.

Mark Barrett

We have new merchandise
coming in, Mark. But as we
have already explained, this
will not be
for sale. If you want Suck
, you've got to earn it.
For details, follow the link

Fish With Letter Icon

Chuck E. Chief

i am a student at Central
Michigan University. an issue
on campus is our beloved
mascot: a Chippewa Indian. at
this time the political
correctness of our mascot is
being challenged. i was
wondering if SUCK has an
opinion on the issue. the
reason i ask is that i cannot



On the one hand, my gut
reaction is: Oh, don't be
churlish. Give the Indians
what they want. On the other
hand, there's the Drew Carey
reaction: Hey Indians, if you
don't like it you should have
fought harder. Since I can't
decide between the two, I
will revert to Suck's
official position, which is
that all are guilty and all
must be punished.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Bush Bounces Back

Two things come to mind
reading your Suck piece
today. First of all, W is not
"Jr." HW is not "Sr."

The reason is that W is "W"
and HW is "HW".

Second, have you noticed the
eerie similarity between your
piece and the "Dept. of
Alliteration" thing being run
in Slate today? That must be
extremely irritating.



Irritated? My editor, Mr
d'Arcy, appears before
Congress this afternoon to
discuss the on-line humor
monopoly Microsoft is
currently creating. You see,
they give you a near
identical product to ours but
bundle all their humor with
software that hamstrings
anyone else's jokes. You'll
be reading our joke and then
only be able to get to the
CNN weather report site for
the punchline. Thankfully,
Ms. Reno is sympathetic to
our cause. Or she will be, as
long as Bartel keeps a lid on
that Waco obsession of his
... you can't even have a
drink with him anymore. He's
always pulling out "video
proof" of the whole damn

Anyway, wait'll we release
Suckdows 01 next year, pal,
then we'll see who's

Bertolt Blecht
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The McCainchurchian

If I were Bush, I'd also
raise troubling doubts about
McCain's potential for
Manchurchian Candidate-ism;
after all, McCain was in that
POW camp for more than 4
years — who knows what
those godless commie rats did
to him? At the next debate,
Bush ought to get some intern
to dress up like the Queen of
Diamonds, or suggest to
McCain that he ought to go
jump in a lake, just to see
what happens.

Richard Von Busack

Our feeling is Bush won't
touch that, Richard. After
all, Junior spent four years
at Yale #&151 and God knows
what those commie rats did to

Bertolt Blecht
Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: You are
a goddess on a stick.

But don't just stop at hetero
couples to avoid, how about
gay and lesbian couples to

Mike Friedman

How did you know that I was
on a stick?

If a gay man or lesbian wants
to send me some profiles of
gay couples to avoid, I'd be
thrilled. But am I the most
appropriate author for such a
piece? It would be insulting,
cliché, completely
stale to anyone who knew

Then again, most of Filler

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: some like it hot

Now I want to go see "some
like it hot" again. Was that
the intended effect?

David L. Nicol


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run 3.2.00


I'd like to note for you that
amongst young men originally
from Nova Scotia, Canada but
currently living in Dublin,
Ireland, the concept of
dot-comming profanities and
deragatory remarks is well
under war. While my sample
group consists of only four
participants, a full
twenty-five percent of them
make frequent use of the
charming phrase "What the
fuck-dot-com?", occasionally
prefaced by "Dude" or the
less secular "Jesus Christ".
I can picture the future in
which all such remarks are
dot-commed, which should, in
five or ten years, allow for
you to make the occasional
clever pun or
double-entendre, while
simultaneously fuelling a
hilarious old man complex.
You'll teach those youngins
all about what meant
before it meant suck. In an
amusing twist, it meant
exactly what it means, which
is exactly what it will mean.

Bravo, Sucksters. You're
driving the language into a
new world of suffixes!

Sincrely yours,

Liam Black

Gonna go way out on a limb
here, Liam, and make two

1. that you are that one
person out of the group of
four who says "What the
fuck-dot-com?" and so on, and

2. that you have no trouble
getting other people to leave
you alone.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear lord. Just when I
thought I'd had my fill of
alternative top-level-domain
hype, along comes Ralph
's minions of righetous
fury to suggest the
following: the .sucks TLD.

I live in fear.

Sam Leibowitz

Yeah, that damn Nader's been
ripping off our stuff ever
since he stole our whole
"seatbelts save lives"

Fish With Letter Icon

Spreading the good news of

Dear Sucksters,

I followed your fish advice
after reading the EW 'Out of
Print' article. I joined
their pathfinder boards
discussion thingie (opening
me up to junk e-mail - I'll
start sharpening my machete
now in prepararion) so I
could do a plug for suck.
It's Message 334 in the 'Talk
About The Magazine' section.
I tried putting a hyperlink
for the site, but after
editting the msg it may not
have taken.

Warm fuzzies to you and

Greg Whitmer

Excellent work, Greg. Your pro-Suck
on the EW site is a
small but witty example of
the kind of thing all proud
Suck fans should be doing on
a regular basis. Quality Suck
is on its way to
you right now.

And for the rest of you, get
the message out. You will be
rewarded for promoting Suck
in all public forums. Feats
of greater derring-do will be
rewarded with even higher
quality Suck products.
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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