The Fish
for 6 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Deadside Manner

Subject: re: a beloved TV
pitchman committed
double-beheadings

who was this pitchman? I
don't recall hearing about
this?

Eric Catalano
<ericc@stumpworld.com>

You mean you didn't know Jim
Varney was behind the OJ
murders? Actually, this is
just another instance of my
sloppy writing, as Simpson
hadn't done any notable
commercials in a while, i
don't think. I probably
should have said
"commentator" or
"personality" instead of
"pitchman." And of course
"committed double-beheadings"
is an example of comic
hyperbole, given that OJ is
innocent...

best,

st. huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Swango adds death
where there isn't any!

"apparently, Dr. Swango's
more topical manifestation of
evil is just too potent a
brew to swallow"

— or maybe just not
mediagenic enough. What does
the guy look like? If only he
made a more photogenic prison
pen pal...

"anchoress"
<mini2864@icnt.net>

Actually, he is described
several times in stewart's
book as charismatic and
personable, although you
don't really see much
evidence of that. As far as
looks go, he is trim,
blonde-haired, fairly
youthful 46-year-old. From
certain angles he looks more
creepy than handsome, but he
would certainly be a good
candidate should Fox go ahead
with its plans for its "Who
Wants To Marry An Evil
Doctor?" show.

best,

st. huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear St. Huck,

This was a very nice piece,
living up to the high
standards of fringe
story-journalism that compels
me to read Suck every day.
The metaphor was right-on,
and the thing about the
working press pulling the
Manson file a little too
frequently is an observation
I wish I had come up with
first. Well done.

Also, please feel free to
trash this letter in The Fish
section.

Yours,

Richard Banks
<richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us>

I stopped trashing positive
letters a while back, so if
you're looking for sarcasm/
disdain/ whatever, you'll
have to write another one
telling me how bad the
article was...

best,

huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler: Women to Avoid

Dear Sucksters:

Yesterday, I sent the message
below to polly@suck.com, in
response to that day's
column. I thought it was a
sarcastically appropriate
acknowledgement of the
cleverness of that day's
column.

I'm afraid to speculate what
"Polly" thought about it. All
I do know is that rather than
respond to my message, s/he
appears to have removed me
from your email list (As of
5:25 pm, I have not received
today's column).

What could possibly be the
reason for this? Is it
conceivable that the ultimate
smugly cynical critic-of-
everything-that- exists can't
take a tiny little joke and
one small correction (even
when couched in a
compliment)?

I'm still hoping it's just a
technical oversight or
something. Can someone please
verify this for me?

With sincere gratitude,
reverence, and humility,

Julia Smedley
<julias@hotbot.com>

Julia, I didn't respond to
your email because I'm very
busy and important. I didn't
remove you from the email
list.

But it's ironic, isn't it,
the drama that you've milked
from this situation?

Fellow drama queen,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

Well, I have been reading
your words for many months
now and I am left wondering,
how did you get so fucked up?
Did you go to catholic
school? I love pessimism and
sick twisted humor. But I
fear pessimistic people with
sick and twisted humor.
Perhaps I shouldn't even be
writing this. Are you safe?
Please don't hurt me.

William.E....
<we@decrepit.com>

God, that's so weird. I was
just nailing down the last
minute details in my concrete
plans to hurt you.

Nothing twists better than
Catholic school.

Unsafe,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hi, what's an ENFP and an ISTJ?

Amber Qureshi
<aqureshi@tra.dhc.co.jp>

Those are personality types
set up by the Meyers-Briggs
personality test.

Judgemental, shallow, girlish,
bored types like myself like
that sort of shit.

For more information on
Meyers-Briggs, or to take the
test (I think it costs $3), go to
http://www.personalitypage.com/
info.html
.

Committed to bringing you
obscure and useless references
from all over the globe,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Murphy's Oil Soap
(a.k.a. Merlin's Amber Soap)

Dear Polly,

You wrote:

"My coffee tastes like
Murphy's Oil Soap. Do you
remember that commercial for
Murphy's Oil Soap where a
mother, a son, and a
grandmother all sing in
Broadway-quality voices,
"I've been using Murphy's Oil
all around this house of
mine, 'cause the dirt is
finished, but the finish is
fine!"? There's even a
compelling, triumphant
bridge. Once I think of that
song, I can't get it off my
mind."

Thanks for infecting the
Internet with these cherished
song lyrics. I wanted to make
them a musical number in a
bad play now being written
with the help of my
colleagues, and I could find
no other reference to the
song on the Internet. You
decoded the second line for
me — I remember a
different incarnation of the
ad, so that could be part of
it — but for just sharing
the lyrics in the first
place, I wanted to thank you
for an act of unmatched
beauty. May you be blessed.

Somewhat sincerely,

T.J. Hunter

Wow! It's really magical to
know that my commitment to
bringing you obscure and
worthless references from
around the globe is finally
starting to pay off!

That's so cool, that you're
using that song in a musical!

Good luck with that!

Somewhat insincerely,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Suck.com: Get the word out

Last week, the NYTimes
Magazine featured a story
about our friends at Salon.
They also went out of their
way to mention other content
sites like Slate and Word and
Feed. But no Suck.

That sucks.

Love,

Sharren
<sb566@columbia.edu>

Thanks for the hot tip,
Sharren. Trust us, it happens
all the time. We don't mind.
By now, we even expect it.
Suck doesn't wag its tail in
hopes of a pat on the head
from the media elite. We
don't put ourselves out to
employ only superconnected
writers, or their buddies.
It's no surprise that the
infotainment honchos choose
to ignore us.

But there is one thing that
does bother us every time Details or
Time or the New York Times or
somebody else issues another
"100 Sites That Matter Most"
list, with the Stick Hampster
Death Blender Figure Theater
heading up the "humor"
category while Suck is
nowhere to be found. What
bothers us is what it says
about you, the Suck reader.
And it's you who should be
taking it personally. Because
you love Suck, purely and
without any pretense. You
feel aphasic, moody, and
slightly dyspeptic when you
make it past lunchtime
without an issue of Suck. You
hate the weekends because you
know come Sunday, you'll be
starting fistfights with kids
in wheelchairs out of
Suck-withdrawal-related
stress. So when those media
bigwigs ignore Suck, they're
not insulting us. They're
insulting you. They're
mocking the investment of
time and appreciation you
have made to Suck; they're
letting you know that your
dedication and passion
amounts to a great big, gassy
gigabyte of doodlysquat;
they're telling you in every
way possible: "You are a
worthless piece of shit.
'Suck' is what the Columbia
grads who come sniveling to
us for internships do.
'Sucksters?' What is that,
like 'Trekkies' or something?
Wise up, baby. You don't
matter, and in our book, you
never will."

Well it's time for that to
change.

It is time for you, the Suck
readers, to make your
displeasure known whenever
and wherever you see Suck
ignored in this way. When you
read a 100-best list that
doesn't include Suck.com, you
have to send a letter - not
to us, but to the editor who
snubbed us. When you see some
heavy-circulation weekly
cribbin g ideas you read in
Suck months or years earlier,
don't just stand there,
scream about it! And when you
see some starfucking rag
issuing its zillionteenth "Is
content king again?
"
broadside, but only
mentioning sites whose
traffic, not to mention
entertainment value, is a
fraction of our own, raise
your voices in protest! If
the mainstream apparatchiks
won't get with the Suck
program, the least we can do
is annoy the hell out of
them.

And we're willing to put our
merchandise where your mouth
is. It's about time Suck fans
started earning quality Suck
lifestyle objects with their
own chutzpah. You post a URL
to some discussion about
which we've commented? You
get some lousy stickers. You
get a letter to the editor
published, offering some
Suck-penned bon mot, plugging
Filler, or even just
objecting in some hysterical
way to a publication's
desuckification policy? We'll
send you a t-shirt. You send
us a tape of yourself
mentioning Suck.com on a
call-in radio show? We'll
send you some original Terry
Colon sketches, maybe even
the exact ones you always
wanted, depending on the
bravura quotient of your
hack. You mention Suck.com
loud and proud on Larry King?
We'll negotiate. Don't worry
that they'll know what you're
up to: our competition may
read our top page every day,
but only true fans read the
Fish page.

And just to show we're
serious, this is now the only
way we will be sending out
Suck merchandise. We will no
longer sell t-shirts,
stickers, small-run
printings, hand-painted
action figures, or merch of
any kind. We don't want your
money. We want your loyalty.
If you're one of the few
hundred people fortunate
enough to luck into Suck
stylee before now, consider
yourself blessed by fate.
It'll never again be so easy
for so few to gain so much.
From now on, our love gets
tough. Show us the effort,
and we'll show you the pride.

It is high time, it is past
high time, to get a Suck wave
of appreciation going. We
publish some of the best
content online or off, we
speak truth to power while
others are playing it cool,
and we give you the best damn
art anywhere, every day. And
we do it all for nothing but
your love and a few clicks.
You're giving us plenty of
clicks; it's the love we
could use a little more of.
And not secret, shameful,
Godless love either. We're
talking about the love that
dareth speak its name, to
children, grandparents and
clergymen, if necessary. Get
out there and spread the
word.

We'll be leaving this message
up for a few days. Don't
think of it as unfresh Fish.
Think of it as an invitation.

Sincerely,

The Sucksters

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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