for 6 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Deadside Manner Subject: re: a beloved TV pitchman committed double-beheadings who was this pitchman? I don't recall hearing about this? Eric Catalano <ericc@stumpworld.com> You mean you didn't know Jim Varney was behind the OJ murders? Actually, this is just another instance of my sloppy writing, as Simpson hadn't done any notable commercials in a while, i don't think. I probably should have said "commentator" or "personality" instead of "pitchman." And of course "committed double-beheadings" is an example of comic hyperbole, given that OJ is innocent... best, st. huck  Subject: Swango adds death where there isn't any! "apparently, Dr. Swango's more topical manifestation of evil is just too potent a brew to swallow" — or maybe just not mediagenic enough. What does the guy look like? If only he made a more photogenic prison pen pal... "anchoress" <mini2864@icnt.net> Actually, he is described several times in stewart's book as charismatic and personable, although you don't really see much evidence of that. As far as looks go, he is trim, blonde-haired, fairly youthful 46-year-old. From certain angles he looks more creepy than handsome, but he would certainly be a good candidate should Fox go ahead with its plans for its "Who Wants To Marry An Evil Doctor?" show. best, st. huck Dear St. Huck, This was a very nice piece, living up to the high standards of fringe story-journalism that compels me to read Suck every day. The metaphor was right-on, and the thing about the working press pulling the Manson file a little too frequently is an observation I wish I had come up with first. Well done. Also, please feel free to trash this letter in The Fish section. Yours, Richard Banks <richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us> I stopped trashing positive letters a while back, so if you're looking for sarcasm/ disdain/ whatever, you'll have to write another one telling me how bad the article was... best, huck Filler: Women to Avoid Dear Sucksters: Yesterday, I sent the message below to polly@suck.com, in response to that day's column. I thought it was a sarcastically appropriate acknowledgement of the cleverness of that day's column. I'm afraid to speculate what "Polly" thought about it. All I do know is that rather than respond to my message, s/he appears to have removed me from your email list (As of 5:25 pm, I have not received today's column). What could possibly be the reason for this? Is it conceivable that the ultimate smugly cynical critic-of- everything-that- exists can't take a tiny little joke and one small correction (even when couched in a compliment)? I'm still hoping it's just a technical oversight or something. Can someone please verify this for me? With sincere gratitude, reverence, and humility, Julia Smedley <julias@hotbot.com> Julia, I didn't respond to your email because I'm very busy and important. I didn't remove you from the email list. But it's ironic, isn't it, the drama that you've milked from this situation? Fellow drama queen, Polly Polly, Well, I have been reading your words for many months now and I am left wondering, how did you get so fucked up? Did you go to catholic school? I love pessimism and sick twisted humor. But I fear pessimistic people with sick and twisted humor. Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing this. Are you safe? Please don't hurt me. William.E.... <we@decrepit.com> God, that's so weird. I was just nailing down the last minute details in my concrete plans to hurt you. Nothing twists better than Catholic school. Unsafe, Polly Hi, what's an ENFP and an ISTJ? Amber Qureshi <aqureshi@tra.dhc.co.jp> Those are personality types set up by the Meyers-Briggs personality test. Judgemental, shallow, girlish, bored types like myself like that sort of shit. For more information on Meyers-Briggs, or to take the test (I think it costs $3), go to http://www.personalitypage.com/ info.html. Committed to bringing you obscure and useless references from all over the globe, Polly Subject: Murphy's Oil Soap (a.k.a. Merlin's Amber Soap) Dear Polly, You wrote: "My coffee tastes like Murphy's Oil Soap. Do you remember that commercial for Murphy's Oil Soap where a mother, a son, and a grandmother all sing in Broadway-quality voices, "I've been using Murphy's Oil all around this house of mine, 'cause the dirt is finished, but the finish is fine!"? There's even a compelling, triumphant bridge. Once I think of that song, I can't get it off my mind." Thanks for infecting the Internet with these cherished song lyrics. I wanted to make them a musical number in a bad play now being written with the help of my colleagues, and I could find no other reference to the song on the Internet. You decoded the second line for me — I remember a different incarnation of the ad, so that could be part of it — but for just sharing the lyrics in the first place, I wanted to thank you for an act of unmatched beauty. May you be blessed. Somewhat sincerely, T.J. Hunter Wow! It's really magical to know that my commitment to bringing you obscure and worthless references from around the globe is finally starting to pay off! That's so cool, that you're using that song in a musical! Good luck with that! Somewhat insincerely, Polly Suck.com: Get the word out Last week, the NYTimes Magazine featured a story about our friends at Salon. They also went out of their way to mention other content sites like Slate and Word and Feed. But no Suck. That sucks. Love, Sharren <sb566@columbia.edu> Thanks for the hot tip, Sharren. Trust us, it happens all the time. We don't mind. By now, we even expect it. Suck doesn't wag its tail in hopes of a pat on the head from the media elite. We don't put ourselves out to employ only superconnected writers, or their buddies. It's no surprise that the infotainment honchos choose to ignore us. But there is one thing that does bother us every time Details or Time or the New York Times or somebody else issues another "100 Sites That Matter Most" list, with the Stick Hampster Death Blender Figure Theater heading up the "humor" category while Suck is nowhere to be found. What bothers us is what it says about you, the Suck reader. And it's you who should be taking it personally. Because you love Suck, purely and without any pretense. You feel aphasic, moody, and slightly dyspeptic when you make it past lunchtime without an issue of Suck. You hate the weekends because you know come Sunday, you'll be starting fistfights with kids in wheelchairs out of Suck-withdrawal-related stress. So when those media bigwigs ignore Suck, they're not insulting us. They're insulting you. They're mocking the investment of time and appreciation you have made to Suck; they're letting you know that your dedication and passion amounts to a great big, gassy gigabyte of doodlysquat; they're telling you in every way possible: "You are a worthless piece of shit. 'Suck' is what the Columbia grads who come sniveling to us for internships do. 'Sucksters?' What is that, like 'Trekkies' or something? Wise up, baby. You don't matter, and in our book, you never will." Well it's time for that to change. It is time for you, the Suck readers, to make your displeasure known whenever and wherever you see Suck ignored in this way. When you read a 100-best list that doesn't include Suck.com, you have to send a letter - not to us, but to the editor who snubbed us. When you see some heavy-circulation weekly cribbin g ideas you read in Suck months or years earlier, don't just stand there, scream about it! And when you see some starfucking rag issuing its zillionteenth "Is content king again?" broadside, but only mentioning sites whose traffic, not to mention entertainment value, is a fraction of our own, raise your voices in protest! If the mainstream apparatchiks won't get with the Suck program, the least we can do is annoy the hell out of them. And we're willing to put our merchandise where your mouth is. It's about time Suck fans started earning quality Suck lifestyle objects with their own chutzpah. You post a URL to some discussion about which we've commented? You get some lousy stickers. You get a letter to the editor published, offering some Suck-penned bon mot, plugging Filler, or even just objecting in some hysterical way to a publication's desuckification policy? We'll send you a t-shirt. You send us a tape of yourself mentioning Suck.com on a call-in radio show? We'll send you some original Terry Colon sketches, maybe even the exact ones you always wanted, depending on the bravura quotient of your hack. You mention Suck.com loud and proud on Larry King? We'll negotiate. Don't worry that they'll know what you're up to: our competition may read our top page every day, but only true fans read the Fish page. And just to show we're serious, this is now the only way we will be sending out Suck merchandise. We will no longer sell t-shirts, stickers, small-run printings, hand-painted action figures, or merch of any kind. We don't want your money. We want your loyalty. If you're one of the few hundred people fortunate enough to luck into Suck stylee before now, consider yourself blessed by fate. It'll never again be so easy for so few to gain so much. From now on, our love gets tough. Show us the effort, and we'll show you the pride. It is high time, it is past high time, to get a Suck wave of appreciation going. We publish some of the best content online or off, we speak truth to power while others are playing it cool, and we give you the best damn art anywhere, every day. And we do it all for nothing but your love and a few clicks. You're giving us plenty of clicks; it's the love we could use a little more of. And not secret, shameful, Godless love either. We're talking about the love that dareth speak its name, to children, grandparents and clergymen, if necessary. Get out there and spread the word. We'll be leaving this message up for a few days. Don't think of it as unfresh Fish. Think of it as an invitation. Sincerely, The Sucksters |
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