The Fish
for 3 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Suck.com: Get the word out

Last week, the NYTimes
Magazine featured a story
about our friends at Salon.
They also went out of their
way to mention other content
sites like Slate and Word and
Feed. But no Suck.

That sucks.

Love,

Sharren
<sb566@columbia.edu>

Thanks for the hot tip,
Sharren. Trust us, it happens
all the time. We don't mind.
By now, we even expect it.
Suck doesn't wag its tail in
hopes of a pat on the head
from the media elite. We
don't put ourselves out to
employ only superconnected
writers, or their buddies.
It's no surprise that the
infotainment honchos choose
to ignore us.

But there is one thing that
does bother us every time Details or
Time or the New York Times or
somebody else issues another
"100 Sites That Matter Most"
list, with the Stick Hampster
Death Blender Figure Theater
heading up the "humor"
category while Suck is
nowhere to be found. What
bothers us is what it says
about you, the Suck reader.
And it's you who should be
taking it personally. Because
you love Suck, purely and
without any pretense. You
feel aphasic, moody, and
slightly dyspeptic when you
make it past lunchtime
without an issue of Suck. You
hate the weekends because you
know come Sunday, you'll be
starting fistfights with kids
in wheelchairs out of
Suck-withdrawal-related
stress. So when those media
bigwigs ignore Suck, they're
not insulting us. They're
insulting you. They're
mocking the investment of
time and appreciation you
have made to Suck; they're
letting you know that your
dedication and passion
amounts to a great big, gassy
gigabyte of doodlysquat;
they're telling you in every
way possible: "You are a
worthless piece of shit.
'Suck' is what the Columbia
grads who come sniveling to
us for internships do.
'Sucksters?' What is that,
like 'Trekkies' or something?
Wise up, baby. You don't
matter, and in our book, you
never will."

Well it's time for that to
change.

It is time for you, the Suck
readers, to make your
displeasure known whenever
and wherever you see Suck
ignored in this way. When you
read a 100-best list that
doesn't include Suck.com, you
have to send a letter - not
to us, but to the editor who
snubbed us. When you see some
heavy-circulation weekly
cribbin g ideas you read in
Suck months or years earlier,
don't just stand there,
scream about it! And when you
see some starfucking rag
issuing its zillionteenth "Is
content king again?
"
broadside, but only
mentioning sites whose
traffic, not to mention
entertainment value, is a
fraction of our own, raise
your voices in protest! If
the mainstream apparatchiks
won't get with the Suck
program, the least we can do
is annoy the hell out of
them.

And we're willing to put our
merchandise where your mouth
is. It's about time Suck fans
started earning quality Suck
lifestyle objects with their
own chutzpah. You post a URL
to some discussion about
which we've commented? You
get some lousy stickers. You
get a letter to the editor
published, offering some
Suck-penned bon mot, plugging
Filler, or even just
objecting in some hysterical
way to a publication's
desuckification policy? We'll
send you a t-shirt. You send
us a tape of yourself
mentioning Suck.com on a
call-in radio show? We'll
send you some original Terry
Colon sketches, maybe even
the exact ones you always
wanted, depending on the
bravura quotient of your
hack. You mention Suck.com
loud and proud on Larry King?
We'll negotiate. Don't worry
that they'll know what you're
up to: our competition may
read our top page every day,
but only true fans read the
Fish page.

And just to show we're
serious, this is now the only
way we will be sending out
Suck merchandise. We will no
longer sell t-shirts,
stickers, small-run
printings, hand-painted
action figures, or merch of
any kind. We don't want your
money. We want your loyalty.
If you're one of the few
hundred people fortunate
enough to luck into Suck
stylee before now, consider
yourself blessed by fate.
It'll never again be so easy
for so few to gain so much.
From now on, our love gets
tough. Show us the effort,
and we'll show you the pride.

It is high time, it is past
high time, to get a Suck wave
of appreciation going. We
publish some of the best
content online or off, we
speak truth to power while
others are playing it cool,
and we give you the best damn
art anywhere, every day. And
we do it all for nothing but
your love and a few clicks.
You're giving us plenty of
clicks; it's the love we
could use a little more of.
And not secret, shameful,
Godless love either. We're
talking about the love that
dareth speak its name, to
children, grandparents and
clergymen, if necessary. Get
out there and spread the
word.

We'll be leaving this message
up for a few days. Don't
think of it as unfresh Fish.
Think of it as an invitation.

Sincerely,

The Sucksters

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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