The Fish
for 28 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

There's No X in Team

Hey Boob:
Good, if sad, timing on Tom
Landry. A real class act,
even if he was on the other
side of the field
(I'm a lifelong Redskin fan).
You don't see that calm,
serious, thorough -
honorable! - approach to
football much these days. Joe
Torre of the Yankees is the
closest parallel that I can
think of in the major sports.

You're right on the mark on
why XFL and its ilk will fail
to make a dent in the
popularity of the major
sports (except, possibly,
basketball, which is already
watched only for the
highlights by many). Fans get
to know the people who play
and coach the sport, and get
very personally engaged in
it. The spectacle is
secondary to the competition,
and the very human stories
behind it; in a good sports
town, the teams become like

Somehow I can't see
this happening with "Football
Smackdown," or whatever they
want to call it. I certainly
hope not.

Andrew Sullivan

Too true! But as the
popularity of wrestling
seminars spreads, maybe
you'll see a Pop Warner
league for the XFL develop
too. As Whitney Houston once
sang, "I believe the children
are the future." The sooner
we can get moving turning
them into crazed,
steroid-enhanced cyborgs the
better off we will all be.
The crowds howl for action,
and the geometric and
dispassionate analysis that
was the specialty of coaches
like Landry is going the way
of the jump pass and leather
helmets. There's something
about such cold intellection
that is as difficult to love
as it is to hate. Maybe it's
all for the best.


Jonathan E.

Fish With Letter Icon

IP, Freely

the general message of your
column is true, there are
several factual inaccuracies
that you should know about.

First of all, and I don't
understand why more people
don't know this, the Internet
was not created with military
intentions at all. True, it
was funded by the Pentagon,
but through ARPA (Advanced
Research Projects Agency). It
was intended to connect
universities to each other as
a research aid, and to share
valuable computer time.

Second, IP wasn't created in
1969 as you say, but about a
decade later when the ARPAnet
was connected to other
networks. The Inter-net
Protocol, as the name
suggests, was written to
connect networks using
different protocols. For a
good history of the early
internet, try the book Where
Wizards Stay Up Late, by
Katie Hafner and her husband
who's name I can't remember.

Also IPv6 isn't quite as rare
as you say. Most operating
systems and routers being
produced today have at least
some support for it, and many
large university networks,
including the Internet2, are
running on IPv6.

The Internet
definitely needs to be
upgraded to ensure it's
stability and future growth,
but your ideas would carry
more weight if you got your
facts straight.

Roy Berman

Ah, but then why bother with
packet switching? The
advantages of data capable of
finding its own way to a
destination fits snuggly with
routes suddenly disappearing.
Which was certainly a concern
a few decades ago, what with
that whole nuclear armageddon
thing hanging over our heads.

DARPA may very well have had
simply connectivity issues in
mind with the ARPAnet
funding, but to think that
they weren't interested in
its military capabilities is
naive, I think.

Greg Knauss

Fish With Letter Icon

Your statement of the IP
problem was well framed. The
article provided a number of
links with equally meaty
supporting information. Good
job on research, and an
equally good job on writing
up your conclusions in a
clear and eloquent fashion.

PS. Probably no point in
publishing my letter in Fresh
Fish, since I can't imagine
there's anything to make fun
of other than this


Rob Fagen

Actually, Robert, your
impression that a Suck
article is well framed,
supported, researched and
eloquent pretty much puts you
in the mockery cross-hairs.
The postscript helps, too.

Greg Knauss

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: IPV6 traceable?

I've never seen
any documentation about the
tracability feature of IPV6
that you mention on
Could you tell me the name of
the feature so I could look
it up? I've tried some
searches, and found nothing.

David Maxwell

IPv6 doesn't
explicitly provide a
trace-back feature, but it
does include crypto to
prevent the header from being
munged. With guaranteed
header integrity, it's
impossible to spoof the
source of the packet. And out
of that falls tracability.

Greg Knauss

Fish With Letter Icon


As I've been reading all the
uninformed crap that is
accepted as knowledge about
the latest DoS attacks, you
appear to be the only one
who's really identified the
culprit...IP. It's development
decades ago never considered
security as a key issue; ease
of heterogenous connectivity
was its raison d'etre.

I'm just surprised
that it's taken this long. My
bet on the ultimate suspect
would be someone a little
more advanced than a script
kiddie but nowhere near a
Mudge or Mixter in skills.
Hopefully (regrettably?),
he/she has hired a great
entertainment (not defense)
lawyer on retainer, brushed
up on his/her media skills
(I can see them practicing in
front of the mirror now) and
have already planned the book
signing tour.

Meanwhile, dot com valuations
keep climbing as the technology
impaired keep rushing in. Any
advice on when you think we
should start shorting the
NASDAQ tech stocks? Keep
up the great...uh...sucking.


Kevin J Cunningham

You'd be surprised how much
the quality of our sucking
comes up. And given the
resiliency of Amazon's stock
in the wake of the attacks,
geez, there doesn't appear to
be any point when you should
short them. If Wall Street
can dismiss the ability of
any kid with an attitude to
shut down a site, they'll
ignore pretty much anything.

Greg Knauss

Fish With Letter Icon

Hi. From your
recent article at
you seem to condone the
hackers and applaud them for
pointing out the weakness in
IP. Although IP does have
weaknesses, exploiting them
because "you can" and "they
are there" is a terrible
waste of time. Let me give
you a concrete example.
During the summer, I
sometimes leave my window up
during the evening, and feel
pretty secure about it as I
live on the fourth floor.
Now, there is always the
chance that someone could
climb four stories, crawl
through the window, get
inside, kill everyone in the
house and take all my things.
The hackers would have
everyone take out there
windows, fill them with
concrete, and install big
metal doors with fingerprint
and retina scan access. But
still, I'm not safe because
someone could blow out the
foundation of my building
with dynamite, and then I'd
be in a sorry spot. So I
better design a hover craft
like house with radar
controlled anti-missile
systems (in case someone
wants to shoot me). So where
does it all end? I don't want
to live in a world that
paranoid, as I'm sure you
don't. As___ said in the
cuckoos egg, networks are
more than packets being
switched between routers.
They are gateways of trust
that transcend physical
boundaries. When this trust
is repeatedly broken by so
called "hackers", the freedom
and beauty of the network
starts to fall apart.

What did the hackers really
accomplish? Did they throw a
wrench in the evil capitalist
system, and bring down the
abusers of the proletariat?
For a couple of hours, sure.
Although in the span of time
that these companies have
been running, this is hardly
earth-shattering. If the best
"hackers" on the planet, with
all their minions and tools
of evil at their disposal can
only take out a site for two
hours a year or every two
years, then we have nothing
to worry about. I'm sure
those servers are down more
to Microsoft bugs and
hardware glitches than
because of "hackers".

What they really accomplished
was a panic that immediately
swept up the ranks of
government, and is set to
hurt the very "oppressed"
masses that they sought to
liberate. The worst enemy of
the internet is legislation,
and hackers give legislators
the excuse they need to
legislate and take away our
freedoms. If there were no
hacks ever, the legislatures
wouldn't have a leg to stand
on. So when all the fanfare
is over, and the Warez
channels are through with
applauding the "smart"
hackers for finding these
"blaring security holes" like
bragging kids who stole their
parents car keys, I would
just like to wish a very
merry fuck you to all the
hackers who gave the FBI the
push it needed to tap
everyone's phone, internet
connection, and email.

Nathan Good

I didn't - and don't -
"condone" the attacks. I
simply said that the people
who have benifited from the
Net, and therefore have the
most to lose, might want to
protect their investment.
Which they can't do with the
current version of IP.

Greg Knauss

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

These people are out of their
minds... looked up their web
site, and it's amazing how
ridiculous they really are.
You want to be concerned for
Israel? Great - I mean, G-d
only knows there's plenty to
be concerned about. But to go
on at lengths about "the
leftist this" and "the
leftist that", please... give
it a rest. Their twisted,
sick revisionist history that
they spew, particularly in
regards to the way
African-Americans have been
treated in this country, is
revolting, not to mention
idiotic. I wouldn't say
Martin Luther King ranks up
there with Jesus H. Christ
himself, but MLK was pretty
cool, in his own right! I
can't say as I have a problem
with a holiday for him. And,
in case these fools can't
figure out why there's a
black history month, wake up.
Every facet, every nugget of
detail about Western culture,
myth and society revolves
around white people!
Personally, I'd rather learn
something different for a
change, and learn how other
peoples have done and
continue to do things. As far
as John Rocker is concerned,
I don't think he should have
necessarily been punished the
way he was, but at the same
time this guy is a brain-dead
meatball who is hopelessly
lost and pathetic in his
beliefs. And JTF thinks this
is a good thing? JTF is no
better than Hitler, Idi Amin,
the KKK, or any one of the
countless groups of
individuals who, for whatever
sick, insensitive and
insecure reasons, choose to
lash out at others instead of
applying their energies
towards constructive
solutions. May God be with
these misguided losers,
because I assure you he's not
with them now.

Gary Shust

You tell 'em, Gary!

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

I was just reading today's
piece with that
fanatic and halfway through
came up with a solution I'd
like to propose...why doesn't
Clinton use this supposed
budget surplus to BUY Cuba
from Castro, we offer
immediate citizenship to all
cubans who voluntarily
migrate to any state still
flying the confederate flag,
and then ship the entire
state o' Israel (we'll have
Disney recreate the sacred
temple - and even better, you
know it!), essentially
killing several birds with
one albeit ridiculously
expensive, stone.

It's better than just giving
the money away to corrupt
politicians oversees, being a
flag waving, tax avoiding
patriot myself, there's one
thing that pisses me off
everytime and that's hearing
how are hard earned tax
dollars finacne corruption
overseas - I saw we work now
to keep America's corrupted
greenbacks at home.

Thank you.

Todd Mentch

As anybody who has been to
the Middle East can tell you,
Disney is infinitely better
equipped to do justice to the
bible than the distressingly
small actual biblical
locations are. For sheer
failure to live up to the
hype, no Lucasfilm could top
the biblical lands: The
pond-sized "sea" of Galilee,
the puniness of Damascus, the
Cedars of Lebanon's sparse
shrubbery. That's the great
pain of being an American:
The actual monuments of
history you see outside the
US always seem shrunken and
laughable to people raised in
the continent-spanning
vastness of our bounteous

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Umm, who gives a
damn about the JTF?

That was not funny, not
clever, and definitely
repulsive. JTF needs no

Bob Jacobson

My editorial policy is to be
clever when I can't be funny,
and repulsive when I can't be
clever, and I make no
apologies for it.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Regarding your interview with
Chaim et al about Martin
Luther King, blacks and Jews,
I can only assume (after
checking the calendar to
ensure it was not yet April
1st) you have developed a
case of SPAM envy with so
many other sites being closed
down by hackers, that you
have tried to find the one
story which would by itself
generate enough emails to
accomplish the same thing.
Congratulations! You may have
found it.

Brady Westwater

Good to hear from you again,
Brady. Sadly, even with
provocative material like
this on the site, the email
response was the usual
trickle, ranging as always
from hostile to indifferent.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

exists there an e-mail
address by which a
bleeding-heart liberal such
as I might get in touch with
Mr. Pesach and inform him
that the smoking of crack
remains illegal in our


According to Whois, Vancier's
address is mishmaat@AOL.COM,
but I had no luck with that
address, and had to go
through much hoopla to get
him to talk. All for naught,
as it turned out.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

need suck stuff. now.

Elizabeth Stapleton

We're working on it,
Elizabeth. Believe me, we're
not trying to create a fake
demand spike. But I should
remind you that Ty Inc. has
announced plans to retire
several of its most popular
lines, so as soon as we have
Suck products back in stock,
don't hesitate to buy! The
collectibility value is
practically infinite!

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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