The Fish
for 23 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


Polly, I'm going to hunt you
down and ablate your clit,
lest you stop writing your
humorless and moreover
supremely faggoty collumn.
Please, please, oh fucking
please stop ruining Suck

Jeff Exner

Hmm. Talk of angry
alterations to the female
anatomy and hints of
homophobia in the same email.
You don't have to be Dr. Drew
to know that something
fishy's going on here.

I urge you to consider
discussing your feelings with
a professional in the near

Wishing I were even more

Fish With Letter Icon

I have been holding my nose
and reading Suck every day
since 1979 (That's 350
internet years).

Filler 2.9.00 was one of the
best things to appear on
Suck. Make that - to appear
on the web. No, one of the
best things ever written
anywhere. Including the Bible
or anything by L. Ron

Don't let Suck hold you back.
You deserve a larger forum
for your singular voice. Let
me know how I can help.

Eric Wesoff

Ah yes. My writings are often
compared with the works of L.
Ron Hubbard, who also seems
to deserve a larger forum for
his singular voice. You can
help by joining my cult and
signing over your estate to

Mind... head.

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm a self-absorbed,
pretentious, perennially
depressed 20ish SWM with just
enough intelligence too
realize how little I know
(and thus hate myself) and
just good-looking and
charming enough to have the
opportunity to have my
fledgling self-esteem ripped
to shreds by some very
good-looking women (and thus
hate myself). I enjoy writing
uninspired, self-indulgent
poetry and barely tolerable
wuss-rock. I tend to be
attracted to females who are
also hip and moody to the
point of self-parody. Being
one of these females, would
you recommend I continue to
pursue these unfulfilling,
relationships, or just take
the cosmic hint and join a

Jason Lord

I'm moody beyond the point of
self-parody, and not very
hip. I recommend you stop
drinking too much, get a
therapist, and give up on hip
people. Hipness arises from
self-consciousness, and
self-consciousness is the
cause of bad conversations,
bad art, and all other
dishonest self-interested
pursuits, like self-indulgent
poetry and barely tolerable
wuss-rock. It's also the
cause of emails that tout
one's patheticness, and
columns that tout one's
patheticness. Oops, that's

Uh, forget it.

Stay the course!

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Hope You're Doing


I know this is satire, but
your Valentine's Day article
goes a little into the realm
of "get a grip". I see where
you're going, but it should
be with a lean towards "These
are things that annoy me
about the one I love." You
start off with the assumption
that we all hate our
girlfriends, boyfriends,
husbands, wives and lovers.
You wore me out with bitter
before you could draw me in
with wit. For your sake, I
hope you're not in the kind
of relationship you've
described. If you are, get

Jeff Brown

Humor without exaggeration is
like sex without imagination.
Furthermore, if you can't
accept the whole range of
human emotions, and you can't
accept the fact that there
are days when you think your
significant other is a
horrible monster out to
destroy your life, then
you're probably repressing
your emotions. Even great
relationships are incredibly
tough. If that's shocking or
depressing to you, you
probably aren't in one.

More power to you!

Your humorless faggoty

Fish With Letter Icon

Revolting Acts

It's good to see that the
contraversy over I-695 is
still getting attention
outside of Washington state.
Unfortunately, we're stuck
with it, and what the
"talented" Eyman has gotten
away with is really
deplorable. The initiative
was largely supported by
non-commuting suburbia and
counties in Eastern
Washingston (sticksville). So
the rest of us city-dwellers
who voted against this stupid
initiative have to endure
even longer commutes,
cancelled bus routes, and
delayed freeway improvements,
among other things. Tim Eyman
is an idiot, as far as I'm
concerned, but a crafty one
who knows who'll buy into his
political impulses, and how
to spin his ideas to those
poor suckers. He was also a
staunch supporter of I-200,
the initiative to halt
affirmative action programs
in this state, just so you

Thanks for the article.

Suzanne Asprea

You're welcome. Yeah, I-200
was the test run for I-695,
wasn't it? Appealing to a
very specific, angry voter
base with little desire to
research the implications of
their vote, resulting in
economic damage to specific
sub-groups and general
economic losses limited to
the major cities that is
difficult to quantify because
it involves potential rather
than actual business. All to
further a vague political
issue rather than one of
governance or economics.

I'd say very crafty.

40th Street Black
Fish With Letter Icon

Who gives a rat's ass? One
scam after another to free
the poor ultrarich of the
chains of responsibility are
pressed and passed with the
fervent assistance of those
who are most harmed by such
"reforms". People in a
Democracy truly get the
government and policies they

R. Bruce Anderson, Ph.D.
Department of PoliticalScience
Hastings College


Yes, but the people who vote
against the reforms get the
government and policies the
other people deserve.

40th Street Black
Fish With Letter Icon

The Democrats' "simplified
progressive tax plans" will
prove an oxymoron, as the
Barbara Streisand exemption
has already shown (i.e., if
you're a heavy contributor,
guess what you get in

I fail to see how keeping
money out of the hands of
government is generally a bad
thing. These are the same
self-serving asses whose "War
on Drugs" has resulted in a
factual war on the civil
rights of the poor and
not-so-poor alike. If
restraining the police state
requires a meat axe, so be

Rob McMillin

The problem with using a meat
axe to restrain the police
state is the judgment of this
particular butcher. Those
programs are the last to go.

40th Street Black
Fish With Letter Icon


Hey Polly:

Just wanted to say thanks for
the laugh. "You people are
fucking with my emotional
development in ways you can
scarcely imagine." Hah! I've
been thinking that about you
guys since 1996.


Imagine, then, how much we're
fucking with our own
emotional development just by
being here for you all these

Your charitable friend,

Fish With Letter Icon

Long live Mr. Flinchy! Does
he make a comeback this year?

John Fracisco

Oh, Mr. Flinchy makes a
comeback at least three or
four times per hour. Studies
show that every ten minutes,
there's a Mr. Flinchy
somewhere ducking out of some
responsibility or implied

Maybe a public service
announcement is called for...

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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