for 10 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit & Run Subject: Unamerican activities cat flap (sorry for the idiot pun) Hi Suck: I also received those verbose emails from both Mr. Squeaky and ???srini, and when I first read the saga, something about it seemed disturbingly familiar. Not that I've ever punted a cat to its reward, but I think this little tale gives one pause to ponder the mighty and formidable maelstrom of roommate tensions, which seems to utterly decimate everything in its path, from social niceties to political philosophies to you name it. Someone neglects to wash the dishes for a week, and it's Lord of the Flies time. Or say you're both fighting the good, nebulous, dilettantish fight against The Man; a cat goes careening out the window, and suddenly Trotsky's escaping to Mexico. Every pretension, every preconceived notion is battered silly, and both parties are either left with deeper, even more horrifying levels of self-awareness, or continue to sullenly hurl residual invectives against each other without a trace of irony. Perhaps the lesson here is if you're going to adopt some sort of political stance in which the little man is king, make the hell sure you get along with him reasonably well first. But I guess consistency is for the running dogs of the Establishment. Maria Schneider Contributor The Onion Inc. — America's Finest News Source <marias@theonion.com> PS On an unrelated note, I really liked the Peter Bagge cartoon about the infomercial awards. Although your grasp of roommate dynamics is impeccable, I think this is a case in which root causes can explain only so much. As a matter of fact, a roommate's cat once took a leak in my shoes. Good shoes too; they were permanently despoiled with that weirdly sweet/chemical smell of cat pee. And as the cat and I had already had a few run-ins, it was pretty clear that this was a case of malice aforepaw. But you didn't see me throwing the thing out the window. Cats are passive-aggressive little fuckers; if you kill the cat, it wins. Dunking it in Nair, of course, is another story. Yr pal, Tim  Hey Sucksters, Here's a good link for Five-Card Nancy, despite the sad lack of actual Nancy pictures: http://www.scottmccloud.com /inventions/nancy/nancy.html. You should link it up. By the way, speaking of the Shit, have you seen the new issue of Roctober, containing Ivan Brunetti's epic Bildungsroman "I Almost Drew Nancy"? Any Bushmiller fan will get a kick out of it. His demo strips are eerily accurate yet just a tad ... off, and his commentary ("This strip would be humorous if the implication was that the mice raped the cat, but that's hard to imply, unless you draw stars coming out of the cat's ass ...") is pure Brunetti. XOXOXO, Jesse Fuchs <spooneye@escape.com> We're always on the lookout for newly discovered Bushmilleriana, and you'll be happy to know that a Submit Your Own link for the Shit will be instituted, um, as soon as I get around to it. Yr pal, Tim Subject: You're wrong — Mildred "Babe" Didrickson Zaharias should be athlete of the century. By a long shot. No, really — check out her bio at http://cnnsi.com/ siforwomen/ top_100/2/. I don't know how I feel about the rectal cancer bit, though. Joseph P. M. Foster <JFoster@creativepro.com> We're getting close to the whole men's sports versus women's sports controversy, which seems to me an unwinnable conflict. But you'd be pretty hard pressed to top Jim Thorpe's multisport artistry, and truthfully, I don't think the Babe does top it. Besides, Bright Path deserves the nod just for playing football with the Canton Bulldogs, reminding us that at one time even Canton managed to field a professional football team. Yr pal, Tim Subject: Hit & Run — Unamerican and the dead cat! Suck on this ... A light toss of the cat doth not the window break. But I laughed a wry little chuckle when my daily email from Dictionary.com revealed the word du jour — defenestrate (dee- FEN- ih- strayt), transitive verb: to throw out of a window. And I didn't even have to make it up! Byron Evetts, P. E. <jbe@consulex.com> Do you know that I went to high school with Mario Suarez, the kid who set the national record for most points scored at Defender? That's a true fact. For a few days, Mario's achievement lifted us all out of our filthy sty of adolescent shame. Hopes raised are hopes dashed, of course, but it was a heady couple of days! Yr pal, Tim Subject: I was wondering Do you know Ted Kaczynski's address at Florence State Prison? I have been searching like crazy. Marjorie Mosquera <mosquera@mmc.marymt.edu> Keep searching. Everybody knows Dave is the cool Kaczynski brother. Yr pal, Tim Cortney, give 'em hell. As this is the first time I have read your editorials you have my undivided attention. I just hope that is not too old and you are still as hot hot as your keyboard! Terry Thomasson <tsthomasson@sosinet.net> PS I didn't have ANY trouble getting laid in god ole SAN FRAN. Terry, I'm having a LOT of trouble getting laid in "god ole SAN FRAN." Please give me some undivided advice. Should I get some shorts that say HOME OF THE WHOPPER? Or maybe a lighter that says I'M SINGLE, LET'S MINGLE or something like that? Or maybe some BreathAsure? I'm hot hot and if I don't get a piece of ass soon I'll be HURTIN! Yr pal, Cortney Much as I hate to be citing Slate, check out http://slate.msn.com/ code/ Explainer/Explainer.asp? Show=1/ 7/00&idMessage=4330 for a discussion of presidential eligibility. Mr. Muscles' parents may not have had the benefits of American citizenship, but I'm sure he could get Pat Buchanan to testify that, as a good Aryan, he ought to possess that "natural born" state of grace to which so many much swarthier people lay claim. Yrs, Brian Zimmerman <b-zimmerman@ uchicago.edu> The guy who asked the question seemed to be some kind of furriner, and I was just trying to discourage any possible ambitions he might have. It's sad enough that a natural born retard like George W. Bush is about to join the Adamses and the Roosevelts in the ranks of America's presidential dynasties. Yr pal, Tim Filler Dear Polly: Disingentrification n. (see also disingentrify v.): the colonization by overpaid, smirky heterosexuals (spouting convenient microwave irony) of a neighborhood previously colonized by overpaid, smirky homosexuals (spouting tasteless Queen Anne armoires and glass-topped marble coffee tables). Aren't you hacks in Frisco? Where's the goddamned queers? We have stupid dating lives too! And don't even tell me Steve's not a fence-sitter or even an outright closet case (Jennifer Lopez sitting on his face, uh-huh, sure sweetie). Aspiring to emulate you in word and deed (though within the bounds of copyright law), John Kusch Bluff Magazine http://www.bluffmag.com We've got plenty of good queers, we just don't feel as comfortable turning them into caricatures of themselves the way we feeling comfortable exaggerating the negative traits of privileged white heterosexuals. Anyway, all dating lives are stupid, right? Keep in mind that I have very few friends. Emulate at your own risk. Polly Longtime reader, first-time Fish ... Loved your column today. My only fear is that I won't have the skill to effortlessly integrate even a fraction of those new terms into my speech. Sean McCann <sean@austin.rr.com> Definitely do not attempt to integrate these new terms into your speech. These things should be fairly organic, don't you think? Created with friends, used among the same friends: that's the general rule for the inside joke. Of course, we all have a few inside jokes that none of our friends are in on. Like, when I want to shut someone up, I say, "Have another popover, Froggy." This means nothing to them. Telling inside jokes that no one but you knows is not recommended, by the way. Polly Catumely: using the cat as an intermediary to insult your significant other. Example: "Whatsamatter, Snowball, didn't she feed you? Yeah, she's got a mean streak a mile wide." Richard Von Busack <regisgoat@earthlink.net> Yeah, that's a pretty horrifying phenomenon, isn't it? A friend of mine once stayed with his girlfriend's family for a torturous week, during which her father and mother wouldn't speak to each other but would comment on each other's behavior in their conversations with the cat. He said that at first he thought they were joking. But they didn't laugh. But we're laughing, aren't we? I'll have to include this in my Valentine's Day column about the curse of the lame relationship. Thanks! Polly Hello, I get a kick out Polly because, although only a cartoon, she is exactly the type of woman that finds me attractive. Unfortunately, I'm really not into white women. Love the words. Your friend, Dan Century Um, are you sure she's the type of woman who finds you attractive? Or is she the type of woman whom you think finds you attractive but actually scoffs at you openly, which you mistake for flirtation? Or is she the type of woman who feels really sorry for you, so she's super nice to you and you mistake it for interest? Anyway, good for you that you're not into white women. White women are really expensive. On a budget, the Sucksters Hit & Run Dearest Sucksters, Thank you for mercilessly barbing Srini Kumar on his feline defenestration. Many of us have known for a while what a bastard he is (e.g., we have placed orders and never received the goods), but this incident has shown just how truly unstable the guy is. My only problem with the article is the fact that it is shorter than the one about Barbra Streisand. Love, Matt Singerman <messt66+@pitt.edu> Sadly, while Srini remains an acquired taste of underachieving anarchists, Barbra's breadth and reach are vaster than the czar's, and thus we must devote more resources to challenging her. Yr pal, Tim |
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