The Fish
for 10 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Hit & Run

Subject: Unamerican
activities cat flap (sorry
for the idiot pun)

Hi Suck:

I also received those verbose
emails from both Mr. Squeaky
and ???srini, and when I
first read the saga,
something about it seemed
disturbingly familiar. Not
that I've ever punted a cat
to its reward, but I think
this little tale gives one
pause to ponder the mighty
and formidable maelstrom of
roommate tensions, which
seems to utterly decimate
everything in its path, from
social niceties to political
philosophies to you name it.
Someone neglects to wash the
dishes for a week, and it's
Lord of the Flies time. Or
say you're both fighting the
good, nebulous, dilettantish
fight against The Man; a cat
goes careening out the
window, and suddenly
Trotsky's escaping to Mexico.
Every pretension, every
preconceived notion is
battered silly, and both
parties are either left with
deeper, even more horrifying
levels of self-awareness, or
continue to sullenly hurl
residual invectives against
each other without a trace of
irony.

Perhaps the lesson here is
if you're going to adopt some
sort of political stance in
which the little man is king,
make the hell sure you get
along with him reasonably
well first. But I guess
consistency is for the
running dogs of the
Establishment.

Maria Schneider
Contributor
The Onion Inc. —
America's Finest News Source
<marias@theonion.com>

PS On an unrelated note, I
really liked the Peter Bagge
cartoon about the infomercial
awards.

Although your grasp of
roommate dynamics is
impeccable, I think this is a
case in which root causes can
explain only so much. As a
matter of fact, a roommate's
cat once took a leak in
my shoes. Good shoes too;
they were permanently
despoiled with that weirdly
sweet/chemical smell of cat
pee. And as the cat and I had
already had a few run-ins, it
was pretty clear that this
was a case of malice
aforepaw. But you didn't see
me throwing the thing out the
window. Cats are
passive-aggressive little
fuckers; if you kill the cat,
it wins. Dunking it in Nair,
of course, is another story.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hey Sucksters,

Here's a good link for
Five-Card Nancy, despite the
sad lack of actual Nancy
pictures:
http://www.scottmccloud.com
/inventions/nancy/nancy.html.
You should link it up.

By the way, speaking of the
Shit, have you seen the new
issue of Roctober, containing
Ivan Brunetti's epic
Bildungsroman "I Almost Drew
Nancy"? Any Bushmiller fan
will get a kick out of it.
His demo strips are eerily
accurate yet just a tad ...
off, and his commentary
("This strip would be
humorous if the implication
was that the mice raped the
cat, but that's hard to
imply, unless you draw stars
coming out of the cat's ass
...") is pure Brunetti.

XOXOXO,

Jesse Fuchs
<spooneye@escape.com>

We're always on the lookout
for newly discovered
Bushmilleriana, and you'll be
happy to know that a Submit
Your Own link for the Shit
will be instituted, um, as
soon as I get around to it.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: You're wrong —

Mildred "Babe" Didrickson
Zaharias should be athlete of
the century. By a long shot.
No, really — check out
her bio at http://cnnsi.com/
siforwomen/ top_100/2/. I
don't know how I feel about
the rectal cancer bit, though.

Joseph P. M. Foster
<JFoster@creativepro.com>

We're getting close to the
whole men's sports versus
women's sports controversy,
which seems to me an
unwinnable conflict. But
you'd be pretty hard pressed
to top Jim Thorpe's
multisport artistry, and
truthfully, I don't think the
Babe does top it. Besides,
Bright Path deserves the nod
just for playing football
with the Canton Bulldogs,
reminding us that at one time
even Canton managed to field
a professional football team.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Hit & Run —
Unamerican and the dead cat!

Suck on this ...

A light toss of the cat doth
not the window break. But I
laughed a wry little chuckle
when my daily email from
Dictionary.com revealed the
word du jour —
defenestrate (dee- FEN- ih-
strayt), transitive verb: to
throw out of a window.

And I didn't even have to
make it up!

Byron Evetts, P. E.
<jbe@consulex.com>

Do you know that I went to
high school with Mario
Suarez, the kid who set the
national record for most
points scored at Defender?
That's a true fact. For a few
days, Mario's achievement
lifted us all out of our
filthy sty of adolescent
shame. Hopes raised are hopes
dashed, of course, but it was
a heady couple of days!

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: I was wondering

Do you know Ted Kaczynski's
address at Florence State
Prison? I have been searching
like crazy.

Marjorie Mosquera
<mosquera@mmc.marymt.edu>

Keep searching. Everybody
knows Dave is the cool
Kaczynski brother.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Cortney, give 'em hell. As
this is the first time I have
read your editorials you have
my undivided attention. I
just hope that is not too old
and you are still as hot hot as
your keyboard!

Terry Thomasson
<tsthomasson@sosinet.net>

PS I didn't have ANY trouble
getting laid in god ole SAN
FRAN.

Terry, I'm having a LOT of
trouble getting laid in "god
ole SAN FRAN." Please give me
some undivided advice. Should
I get some shorts that say
HOME OF THE WHOPPER? Or maybe
a lighter that says I'M
SINGLE, LET'S MINGLE or
something like that? Or maybe
some BreathAsure? I'm hot hot
and if I don't get a piece of
ass soon I'll be HURTIN!

Yr pal,

Cortney
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Much as I hate to be citing
Slate, check out
http://slate.msn.com/ code/
Explainer/Explainer.asp?
Show=1/ 7/00&idMessage=4330
for a discussion of presidential
eligibility.

Mr. Muscles' parents may not
have had the benefits of
American citizenship, but I'm
sure he could get Pat
Buchanan to testify that, as
a good Aryan, he ought to
possess that "natural born"
state of grace to which so
many much swarthier people
lay claim.

Yrs,

Brian Zimmerman
<b-zimmerman@ uchicago.edu>

The guy who asked the
question seemed to be some
kind of furriner, and I was
just trying to discourage any
possible ambitions he might
have. It's sad enough that a
natural born retard like
George W. Bush is about to
join the Adamses and the
Roosevelts in the ranks of
America's presidential
dynasties.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Dear Polly:

Disingentrification n. (see
also disingentrify v.): the
colonization by overpaid,
smirky heterosexuals
(spouting convenient
microwave irony) of a
neighborhood previously
colonized by overpaid, smirky
homosexuals (spouting
tasteless Queen Anne armoires
and glass-topped marble coffee
tables).

Aren't you hacks in Frisco?
Where's the goddamned queers?
We have stupid dating lives
too! And don't even tell me
Steve's not a fence-sitter or
even an outright closet case
(Jennifer Lopez sitting on
his face, uh-huh, sure
sweetie).

Aspiring to emulate you in
word and deed (though within
the bounds of copyright law),

John Kusch
Bluff Magazine
http://www.bluffmag.com

We've got plenty of good
queers, we just don't feel as
comfortable turning them into
caricatures of themselves the
way we feeling comfortable
exaggerating the negative
traits of privileged white
heterosexuals.

Anyway, all dating lives are
stupid, right?

Keep in mind that I have very
few friends. Emulate at your
own risk.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Longtime reader, first-time
Fish ...

Loved your column today. My
only fear is that I won't
have the skill to effortlessly
integrate even a fraction
of those new terms
into my speech.

Sean McCann
<sean@austin.rr.com>

Definitely do not attempt to
integrate these new terms
into your speech. These
things should be fairly
organic, don't you think?
Created with friends, used
among the same friends:
that's the general rule for
the inside joke. Of course,
we all have a few inside
jokes that none of our
friends are in on. Like, when
I want to shut someone up, I
say, "Have another popover,
Froggy." This means nothing
to them.

Telling inside jokes that no
one but you knows is not
recommended, by the way.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Catumely: using the cat as an
intermediary to insult your
significant other. Example:
"Whatsamatter, Snowball,
didn't she feed you? Yeah,
she's got a mean streak a
mile wide."

Richard Von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.net>

Yeah, that's a pretty
horrifying phenomenon, isn't
it? A friend of mine once
stayed with his girlfriend's
family for a torturous week,
during which her father and
mother wouldn't speak to each
other but would comment on
each other's behavior in
their conversations with the
cat. He said that at first he
thought they were joking. But
they didn't laugh.

But we're laughing, aren't
we?

I'll have to include this in
my Valentine's Day column
about the curse of the lame
relationship.

Thanks!

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hello,

I get a kick out Polly
because, although only a
cartoon, she is exactly the
type of woman that finds me
attractive. Unfortunately,
I'm really not into white
women.

Love the words.

Your friend,

Dan Century

Um, are you sure she's the
type of woman who finds you
attractive? Or is she the
type of woman whom you think
finds you attractive but
actually scoffs at you openly,
which you mistake for
flirtation? Or is she the
type of woman who feels
really sorry for you, so
she's super nice to you and
you mistake it for interest?

Anyway, good for you that
you're not into white women.
White women are really
expensive.

On a budget,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Dearest Sucksters,

Thank you for mercilessly
barbing Srini Kumar on his
feline defenestration. Many
of us have known for a while
what a bastard he is (e.g.,
we have placed orders and
never received the goods),
but this incident has shown
just how truly unstable the
guy is. My only problem with
the article is the fact that
it is shorter than the one
about Barbra Streisand.

Love,

Matt Singerman
<messt66+@pitt.edu>

Sadly, while Srini remains
an acquired taste of
underachieving anarchists,
Barbra's breadth and reach
are vaster than the czar's,
and thus we must devote more
resources to challenging her.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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