for 8 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Foreigners in Office Subject: Craig and his presidential ambitions To be absolutely correct, you do not have to be born in the United States to be president. You can be born in another country. As long as one of your parents was a US citizen at the time of your birth (i.e., not Canadian), you are considered a natural-born American. If the above does not do it for Craig, he still could be elected to Congress. Then it would just be a matter of getting himself elected speaker of the House and then having the president and vice president "accidentally" die. Best of luck to Craig. Signed, Born elsewhere but still on track Such sinister advice you offer, St. Elsewhere. We, personally, are appalled that anyone other than full-bodied, red-blooded Americans are allowed to represent us in Congress. No wonder this country is going to hell! Speaking of American anger, rage, and dashed hopes, we're pretty frustrated by the Titans' (Tennessee, that is) failed attempt to go that last yard. It might have been the best Super Bowl ever, if God weren't on Kurt Warner's side. Why, oh why, must the path of the righteous take precedence over really dramatic sporting events? These and other challenging questions ahead, the Sucksters  Private Beers Ambrose, you were/are by far the best writer for suck, and it's a real shame that articles by you aren't printed more regularly. of course, i almost enlisted once, but chickened out at the last moment. helicopter rappelling and ranger school sounded cool enough, but three years didn't. this was two years ago (right when i got out of college), and i'm still not sure whether i regret it or not. Will Forster <forster@bottlerocket.com> Trust me, you don't regret it. All of that helicopter rappelling, jumping out of airplanes, and blowing things up does, in fact, sound really cool, but the reality of the matter is that there are about eight guys in the Army who get to do all of that. Most of us spend our days sweeping the motor pool and explaining to an apoplectic NCO why there's dust on our windowsills. ("No excuse, sergeant!") And remember that I enlisted in the infantry, a combat field, so let's go ahead and try to imagine what it is that all of those administrative and maintenance specialists spend their days doing. Cripes. The culture of mediocrity endures. Mopping the stairwell, Ambrose Beers Rock the Balls Your Christmas Cards rocked balls. I am begging you to do some VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS too. PLEAAAAAASEE!! Your hero, Carolyn "Rocked balls"? You kids today are so weird. Your elders, the Sucksters Infomercial Oscars Insult Themselves just saw the piece you did a few weeks ago on the era awards and it fucking rocked! i'm their webmaster and graphic designer. I lived through the same bizarre week in vegas, as you did, and i know all too well what a bunch of weirdos those people are. we usually laugh at, not with, our members. i do have to say that the judging of the awards was legit. we knew how it was going to look when we counted the ballots and future thunder won. two panels, one in la and another in nyc, voted on all the entries in all categories. they were sponsors before the judging took place, and a committee made up of other member companies did the voting. what did you think about the best latin infomercial category? one guy was nominated about five times. i guess there's a real booming infomercial market down there. feel free to make fun of us again sometime. Jason Conny graphic designer and webmaster Electronic Retailing Association <JConny@ Retailing.org> No problem. But remember, laughing at, not with, your members is not the wisest PR move. Laughing with you, at them, and laughing at you, the Sucksters More Great Jokes Subject: Iran, so far away Here's an Iranian joke about non-denominational turtles. Three turtles decide to go on a picnic. So they make lunch, pack up their baskets, and head out to their favorite spot, which is several miles away. So they walk and they walk, and it takes about 57 years to get there. When they arrive and unpack, they realize they forgot the salt. One turtle is crestfallen. "This picnic will be ruined without salt. We should go back and get the salt," he says. "I don't care about the salt, I'm not going back," says another turtle. "Yeah, I don't care either," says the third turtle. "Why don't you go back and get it, and we'll wait for you." "No way," replies the salt-loving turtle. "You'll start without me." "No, we swear we won't," say the other turtles. "OK, you'd better wait for me," he says, and sets off on his way. So the other two turtles figure it'll take him about 114 years to make the round trip. So they wait and wait and wait 114 years, but the third turtle never returns. "I'm hungry, let's eat," says one turtle. "No, we swore we'd wait. We'll wait one more year," says the other. So after 115 years, the third turtle still hasn't returned. His friends decide something must have happened, and start digging in to their sandwiches. The third turtle suddenly jumps out of the bushes. Ha!" he says. "I knew you'd start without me. I didn't even go!" Keith Crouse <siamakv2@yahoo.com> That's so funny, and just so damn ... Iranian! Gosh. Laughing with/at Iranians and you, the Sucksters Out of Luck Herr Doktor Van Decimeter: If John McCain really wants to know which enlisted men and women are getting corporal in private, he should monitor their mail. He won't, however, be looking for copies of Out, The Advocate, or even Architectural Digest (all three of which, I believe, come in opaque packaging). No, all he has to look for is American Male and Undergear. With Calyx & Corolla running a close third, these fag mags are the biggest, brightest red lights to look for when you want to know if the guy next door is "friendly" or just really nice. Thank you for proving that gays and lesbians have no monopoly on style, tact, or business acumen. I'd rather see a lesbian acrylic painting of a headbanded Cherokee warrior-goddess with howling wolves in the background than suffer through another issue of The Advocate's back pages of nipply Nagel-esque panty boys and Keith Haring knockoffs. Oddly enough, yours, John Kusch Milwaukee, Wisconsin http://www.bluffmag.com PS PlanetOut's personals suck. Mon cher monsieur Kusch: Really, I'm surprised at you. Your advice to the military on how best to violate "don't-ask, don't-tell, don't-touch-me-there" smacks of a '50s Friends of Dorothy sensibility. Personally, Undergear doesn't do a thing for me. What the Pentagon really needs is more sophisticated detection techniques: a postgaydar, if you will. And Internet snooping will do the trick nicely. Is that lieutenant flipping back and forth between Ally McBeal pages on Fox.com and Bill Goldberg snapshots on WCW.com? Haul 'im in! But to your point, you're right in noting that Out also catered to the "openly closeted." Back when your scribe subscribed to Out, the options were plastic or paper: the former for out-and-proud types, the latter for don't-tellers in and out of the military. Yours quite predictably, Jonathan Stultimatum Subject: Your poor grammar. There is no word "reiterate." The word you meant to use is "iterate," which means "to say again." "Reiterate" is redundant. Elijah Meeks <ElijahM@AdicomWireless.com>, Thanks, Elijah. But I think you'll find Webster's is more forgiving than you are. Perhaps you were thinking of "irregardless," an unconscionable and ridiculous nonword. By the way, you ought not to use a period in your subject line unless it's a complete sentence. Self-appointed grammarians, as you undoubtedly know, live in the most fragile of glass houses. Best regards, E. L. Skinner Skinner, We can't go relying on Webster or we'll be forced to accept the various dregs of the English language. The two arguments for this, that it is semantics or that acceptable words are based on populist approval, are both fallacious. The first ignores the fact that words are semantic by nature and to use an improper word, even if it is understood to hold the proper word's meaning, attacks the basic foundation of language. The second is a belief held only by nitwits, as language based on popular approval (e.g. slang) is more difficult to learn and less capable of conveying thought quickly and accurately. As these are the two basic tenants of language, to allow them is detrimental to language and, consequently, human society. So, if "iterate" means to say again. What would "re-iterate" mean? Elijah Meeks <ElijahM@AdicomWireless.com> Elijah: Thanks for your continued support. Somehow the language survived its Old, Middle, and King James versions (or should I say iterations?). On a related note, I doubt whether the grammarians were responsible for the obsolescence of the codpiece and the merkin. One should never underestimate the value of being popular, Elijah! To reiterate: "Iterate" is to say again. "Reiterate" is to say again and again and again. Surely you see the difference now? E. L. Skinner BORING! Thank you for playing — please try again. Bradley Messmer <messmeb@rockvax.rockefeller.edu> Well, Bradley, thanks for the encouragement. The beauty of the written word is that it is limited only by the imagination of the reader, and writing for Suck readers is, on that score, a constant challenge, which you so concisely assert. Keep up the fine work! Best regards, E. L. Skinner I really feel sorry for you and, although you do not believe in God, I will pray for you. Thank God I have wonderful cousins in Calgary, Edmonton, and St. Albert. You are sick ... Happy Day. <Inspm2@aol.com> I was sick, briefly, with the respiratory flu. Thank you. Much better now. Please keep the prayers coming. I had wonderful/awful fever dreams, saw Jesus/ Mohammed/Moroni, whoever. It was definitely a white, male God. Very reassuring. Wonderful cousins are a thing not to be underestimated. Mine are mostly in Wisconsin; some are in Colorado and Idaho. They are sinful and Godless but play the banjo. So it's a push, spiritually speaking. Tapping my toes for the Lord, E. L. Skinner Subject: SUV Nirvana Nice Web page on the SUV thing! You're definitely making a proud statement, which stands as proof of your intellect and unique insight on the subject. Such expression is an honest example of the positive influence one can have on society. Keep up the good work! Brent 1994 S10 Blazer 1998 Ford Expedition <bejara@televar.com> Uh, we wouldn't go that far. |
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