The Fish
for 8 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Foreigners in Office

Subject: Craig and his
presidential ambitions

To be absolutely correct, you
do not have to be born in the
United States to be
president. You can be born in
another country. As long as
one of your parents was a US
citizen at the time of your
birth (i.e., not Canadian),
you are considered a
natural-born American.

If the above does not do it
for Craig, he still could be
elected to Congress. Then it
would just be a matter of
getting himself elected
speaker of the House and then
having the president and vice
president "accidentally" die.

Best of luck to Craig.


Born elsewhere but still on

Such sinister advice you
offer, St. Elsewhere. We,
personally, are appalled that
anyone other than
full-bodied, red-blooded
Americans are allowed to
represent us in Congress. No
wonder this country is going
to hell!

Speaking of American anger,
rage, and dashed hopes, we're
pretty frustrated by the
Titans' (Tennessee, that is)
failed attempt to go that
last yard. It might have been
the best Super Bowl ever, if
God weren't on Kurt Warner's
side. Why, oh why, must the
path of the righteous take
precedence over really
dramatic sporting events?

These and other challenging
questions ahead,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Private Beers


you were/are by far the best
writer for suck, and it's a
real shame that articles by
you aren't printed more

of course, i almost enlisted
once, but chickened out at
the last moment. helicopter
rappelling and ranger school
sounded cool enough, but
three years didn't. this was
two years ago (right when i
got out of college), and i'm
still not sure whether i
regret it or not.

Will Forster

Trust me, you don't regret
it. All of that helicopter
rappelling, jumping out of
airplanes, and blowing things
up does, in fact, sound
really cool, but the reality
of the matter is that there
are about eight guys in the
Army who get to do all of
that. Most of us spend our
days sweeping the motor pool
and explaining to an
apoplectic NCO why there's
dust on our windowsills. ("No
excuse, sergeant!") And
remember that I enlisted in
the infantry, a combat field,
so let's go ahead and try to
imagine what it is that all
of those administrative and
maintenance specialists spend
their days doing. Cripes. The
culture of mediocrity

Mopping the stairwell,

Ambrose Beers
Fish With Letter Icon

Rock the Balls

Your Christmas Cards rocked
balls. I am begging you to do


Your hero,


"Rocked balls"? You kids
today are so weird.

Your elders,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Infomercial Oscars Insult

just saw the piece you did a
few weeks ago on the era
awards and it fucking rocked!
i'm their webmaster and
graphic designer. I lived
through the same bizarre week
in vegas, as you did, and i
know all too well what a bunch
of weirdos those people are.
we usually laugh at, not
with, our members.

i do have to say that the
judging of the awards was
legit. we knew how it was
going to look when we counted
the ballots and future
thunder won. two panels, one
in la and another in nyc,
voted on all the entries in
all categories. they were
sponsors before the judging
took place, and a committee
made up of other member
companies did the voting.
what did you think about the
best latin infomercial
category? one guy was
nominated about five times. i
guess there's a real booming
infomercial market down

feel free to make fun of us
again sometime.

Jason Conny

graphic designer and webmaster
Electronic Retailing Association

No problem.

But remember, laughing at,
not with, your members is not
the wisest PR move.

Laughing with you, at them,
and laughing at you,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

More Great Jokes

Subject: Iran, so far away

Here's an Iranian joke about
non-denominational turtles.

Three turtles decide to go on
a picnic. So they make lunch,
pack up their baskets, and
head out to their favorite
spot, which is several miles
away. So they walk and they
walk, and it takes about 57
years to get there.

When they arrive and unpack,
they realize they forgot the
salt. One turtle is

"This picnic will be ruined
without salt. We should go
back and get the salt," he

"I don't care about the salt,
I'm not going back," says
another turtle.

"Yeah, I don't care either,"
says the third turtle. "Why don't
you go back and get it, and we'll
wait for you."

"No way," replies the
salt-loving turtle. "You'll
start without me."

"No, we swear we won't," say
the other turtles.

"OK, you'd better wait for
me," he says, and sets off on
his way.

So the other two turtles
figure it'll take him about
114 years to make the round
trip. So they wait and wait
and wait 114 years, but the
third turtle never returns.

"I'm hungry, let's eat," says
one turtle. "No, we swore
we'd wait. We'll wait one
more year," says the other.

So after 115 years, the third
turtle still hasn't returned.
His friends decide something
must have happened, and start
digging in to their

The third turtle suddenly
jumps out of the bushes.

Ha!" he says. "I knew you'd
start without me. I didn't
even go!"

Keith Crouse

That's so funny, and just so
damn ... Iranian! Gosh.

Laughing with/at Iranians and

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Out of Luck

Herr Doktor Van Decimeter:

If John McCain really wants
to know which enlisted men
and women are getting
corporal in private, he
should monitor their mail. He
won't, however, be looking
for copies of Out, The
or even
Architectural Digest (all
three of which, I believe,
come in opaque packaging).
No, all he has to look for is
American Male and Undergear.
With Calyx & Corolla running
a close third, these fag mags
are the biggest, brightest
red lights to look for when
you want to know if the guy
next door is "friendly" or
just really nice.

Thank you for proving that
gays and lesbians have no
monopoly on style, tact, or
business acumen. I'd rather
see a lesbian acrylic
painting of a headbanded
Cherokee warrior-goddess with
howling wolves in the
background than suffer
through another issue of The
's back pages of
nipply Nagel-esque panty boys
and Keith Haring knockoffs.

Oddly enough, yours,

John Kusch
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

PS PlanetOut's personals

Mon cher monsieur Kusch:

Really, I'm surprised at you.
Your advice to the military
on how best to violate
"don't-ask, don't-tell,
don't-touch-me-there" smacks
of a '50s Friends of Dorothy
sensibility. Personally,
Undergear doesn't do a thing
for me. What the Pentagon
really needs is more
sophisticated detection
techniques: a postgaydar, if
you will.

And Internet snooping will do
the trick nicely. Is that
lieutenant flipping back and
forth between Ally McBeal
pages on and Bill
Goldberg snapshots on Haul 'im in!

But to your point, you're
right in noting that Out also
catered to the "openly
closeted." Back when your
scribe subscribed to Out, the
options were plastic or
paper: the former for
out-and-proud types, the
latter for don't-tellers in
and out of the military.

Yours quite predictably,

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: Your poor grammar.

There is no word "reiterate."
The word you meant to use is
"iterate," which means "to
say again." "Reiterate" is

Elijah Meeks

Thanks, Elijah.

But I think you'll find
Webster's is more forgiving
than you are. Perhaps you
were thinking of
"irregardless," an
unconscionable and ridiculous

By the way, you ought not to
use a period in your subject
line unless it's a complete

Self-appointed grammarians,
as you undoubtedly know, live
in the most fragile of glass

Best regards,

E. L. Skinner
Fish With Letter Icon


We can't go relying on
Webster or we'll be forced to
accept the various dregs of
the English language. The two
arguments for this, that it
is semantics or that
acceptable words are based on
populist approval, are both
fallacious. The first ignores
the fact that words are
semantic by nature and to use
an improper word, even if it
is understood to hold the
proper word's meaning,
attacks the basic foundation
of language. The second is a
belief held only by nitwits,
as language based on popular
approval (e.g. slang) is more
difficult to learn and less
capable of conveying thought
quickly and accurately. As
these are the two basic
tenants of language, to allow
them is detrimental to
language and, consequently,
human society.

So, if "iterate" means to say
again. What would
"re-iterate" mean?

Elijah Meeks


Thanks for your continued
support. Somehow the language
survived its Old, Middle, and
King James versions (or
should I say iterations?). On
a related note, I doubt
whether the grammarians were
responsible for the
obsolescence of the codpiece
and the merkin.

One should never
underestimate the value of
being popular, Elijah!

To reiterate: "Iterate" is to
say again. "Reiterate" is to
say again and again and
again. Surely you see the
difference now?

E. L. Skinner
Fish With Letter Icon


Thank you for playing —
please try again.

Bradley Messmer

Well, Bradley, thanks for the

The beauty of the written
word is that it is limited
only by the imagination of
the reader, and writing for
Suck readers is, on that
score, a constant challenge,
which you so concisely

Keep up the fine work!

Best regards,

E. L. Skinner
Fish With Letter Icon

I really feel sorry for you
and, although you do not
believe in God, I will pray
for you. Thank God I have
wonderful cousins in Calgary,
Edmonton, and St. Albert. You
are sick ... Happy Day.


I was sick, briefly, with the
respiratory flu. Thank you.
Much better now. Please keep
the prayers coming.

I had wonderful/awful fever
dreams, saw Jesus/
whoever. It was definitely a
white, male God. Very

Wonderful cousins are a thing
not to be underestimated.
Mine are mostly in Wisconsin;
some are in Colorado and Idaho.
They are sinful and Godless
but play the banjo. So it's a
push, spiritually speaking.

Tapping my toes for the Lord,

E. L. Skinner
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: SUV Nirvana

Nice Web page on the SUV
You're definitely
making a proud statement,
which stands as proof of your
intellect and unique insight
on the subject. Such
expression is an honest
example of the positive
influence one can have on

Keep up the good work!

1994 S10 Blazer
1998 Ford Expedition

Uh, we wouldn't go that far.
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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