for 4 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Faux Film Festival I love your Suck article on movie knockoffs so much that I thought I'd write you with a 'dote that might enhance your love for the non-Disney Mulan. I'm an animator for a kid's software company, and I went with some co-workers to the International Animation Celebration (the Nickelodeon portfolio frenzy is more like it) in LA a year or so ago. The three of us went to a seminar titled Animation on a Shoestring Budget to meet the Blue's Clues producer, who didn't get a word in edgewise because the guy responsible for the non-D Mulan and other atrocities wouldn't shut the hell up. He told us about hiring animators with low esteem because they work cheaper, renting a tiny office in the industrial part of town for the production team, and finding ways around the law to avoid paying benefits. He also told us how important it is to go to Korea for ink and paint because of the cheap labor. This is standard practice with just about ALL animation, but he had an edge: "What you do is go over there with key chains and shit for the Ko-reans. You know, little toys and crap; they love that shit!" Apparently he had learned all he knows about business from the guys who bought Manhattan from the Indians. He talked about the need to avoid Disney lawsuits. "OK, the REAL Mulan is a Japanese girl (she is Chinese, Mr. Bunker) who cross-dresses and saves her people. So we gotta change it around. Let's say she's ... oh, I dunno ... a beautiful butterfly! And the ants are invading...." At that point, we all got up and left. Tom Verre <fleabite@seanet.com> It's a great story, although I have to admit: I think it adds to the experience of watching movies like Legend of Mulan when the people flogging them come across as the seedy profiteers we know they are. 40th St. Black  Visit Thailand for knockoffs done right. It's unbelievable. Itz Me <omytisis@loxinfo.co.th> I bet it is. Although, when something is exploited for consumption in a non-American market, it sort of loses the straight-faced, cheery irony of a Wal-Mart offering whose primary aim seems to be to fool the consumer. 40th St. Black Dear 40th et al., While reading your outstanding piece on cinematic knockoffs (bravo), I was surprised to see a glaring omission: Concurrent Knockoffs. These are movies that are knockoffs of each other, released simultaneously by competing studios. And our winners? Those lame excuses for cinema that are (drum roll) Touchstone's Armageddon and Paramount Pictures' Deep Impact. Deep Impact, despite its not-so-subtly pornographic title, was a major cosmic letdown that preceded its better-FX-and-bigger- stars-yet-still- equally-shitty cousin Armageddon by a whole two months. The similarities in these movies ensured that either you didn't have to see one because you had already seen the other, or you had to go see both to make sure they weren't actually the same movie (they were). Consider: • They shared a plot (We're all toast because of renegade space debris). • They shared a release season (summer 1998). • They shared hyperbolic tag lines ("It's Closer Than You Think"). • They shared an affinity for second-rate acting by pseudo-babes (Téa Leoni and Neve Campbell). Their only real differentiating factor, other than the actual flavor of their respective space threats, is the general stupidity of Armageddon's characters. Yeah, right — a comet the size of freaking Texas is coming at us and we don't see it until 18 days before it hits? As if the Aerosmith soundtrack weren't torture enough. Eddie Hoover Director of Central Intelligence <ehoover@ BSMG.com> Eddie, you bring up an interesting point. I'm certainly aware of what you call concurrent knockoffs. Other examples are the dueling pig movies Gordy and Babe, the spate of Freaky Friday rip-offs that culminated in Big, and the animated insect movies of 1998, Antz and A Bug's Life. Honestly, I really don't consider these to be knockoffs as much as a symptom of Hollywood's desperate competitiveness and lack of original thought. There are two key differences between these movies and knockoffs. First, such movies are close enough in terms of overall quality that one is not a clear, inferior copy of the other. Second, unlike a knockoff, the producer of a like-minded big-budget film knows that the success of the competing work can actually damage the box office for his or her project. In knockoffs, the bigger business done by the original, the better; because they count on the popularity of the original, they are wholly subservient. I agree with you that the big rock movies were stupid, and I think it bears pointing out that one of them could have been made for one-twentieth of the price, starring Justine Bateman and Jared Leto and presented on Fox's Sunday Night Movie to killer ratings. 40th St. Black Speaking of Disney knockoffs, have you seen the X-rated version of Snow White, produced during off hours by Disney animators? I've attached a GIF. Jim Cook <jimcook@panix.com> One occasionally hears those kinds of stories, but other than things like a few frames of Jessica Rabbit nudity in Roger Rabbit, I'm not sure how much hard evidence there is that these kinds of movies actually exist. In fact, Jim, the GIF you sent looks less like a still from an animated film than a copy of detail from Wally Wood's famous Disneyland Orgy drawing that originally appeared in The Realist. And I probably don't need to remind Suck readers that "Disney porn" is sort of redundant. 40th St. Black In your knockoffs column, you mentioned how an "enraged parent" complained of the swearing in the Mulan knockoff. The review actually seems to be by a sibling: "But to my very great surprise, Mulan SWORE; yes she SWORE while my little brother was watching it. This is not right." To me, this seems to be an example of big brother or sister attempting to protect the tender ears of other kids, though it's too late for the writer's own little brother. This is all right. Thanks for an enjoyable column, nevertheless. Brian McCarthy <brian.mccarthy@click2learn.com> You're right! Change that to "irate adult." Unless, of course, you're willing to grant me a really loose meaning of parent to include those fulfilling the parental role in supervising or raising children. In other words, don't blame me. Where are this kid's mother and father? And why are they letting him watch shoddy knockoff videos? 40th St. Black Hit & Run What ever happened to the short interviews that ran on Thursdays? Surely, there must be some more suitable people to interview. Didn't one of the people from Urge Overkill just release a solo record? You should interview him. Or would that be too easy? Josh Ronsen <jronsen@my-deja.com> Sad but true, Josh. I just suddenly lost interest in doing it, and I don't know why. I think it was that, when I was in the middle of an interview, I'd start thinking, "The stuff I say is, like, 10 times as interesting as whatever this clown is babbling about. Why isn't anybody interviewing me?" Would you find it interesting if I interviewed myself? I could interrupt myself like Charlie Rose. I could ask myself who my Oscar picks are, like that woman whose name I can't remember on CNN Newsstand. Or I could be like one of those scrawny little English wiseguys who goes around with a camera trying to blurt out embarrassing questions before I kick myself out of the party/set/headquarters. It could be pretty damn exciting, if you ask me. Maybe not. Take heart. The Suck interview will be making a comeback one of these days. I don't know about members of Urge Overkill, though. I can never think about that band without hearing that Men at Work song: I can't get to sleep something something something — ation Diving in too deep Blah blah blah blah blah — ation A bunch of other stuff ... It's just overkill, hmmhmm ... Now if one of the Men at Work did a solo project, that would be pretty exciting, don't you think? Yr pal, Tim I've gone and enrolled in the requirement-for-graduation undergraduate Western Civilization course. So far I have discovered the saddening yet unsurprising fact that I appear to be the only one in the lecture audience capable of producing an on-the-fly Marxist refutation of Max Weber's interpretation of Calvinism. News of Ananova makes me wonder where I can order a boxed complete set of Max Headroom videotapes. What year was that thing set in, anyway — 2002? Also, in response to your claim that "all superheroes are stone homos," that Captain Marvel was straight. Billy Batson's adult form even had a realistic courtship involving dress-up dinner dates with his believable Lois Lane analog, whose name I do not recall. Also, the interior dynamics within the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Metal Men reveal mostly heterosexual tensions. And the Swamp Thing, who was doomed to wander around the deep South after he got transformed into a plant; there is no gay subtext there! Just sympathetic characters enduring difficulties, congruent with James Gunn's formula for good fiction. I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Curse you and your effective flame-baiting tactics, Sucksters! David L. Nicol <dnicol@cstp.umkc.edu> It's good to have you back, David. I assure you that Suck's next editor will have to pass a litmus test by showing that he or she favors gay superheroes. Yr pal, Tim Hi Sucksters I've just finished reading Harper's "Notes on a Native Son." I hope to hear your version soon! Y'all keep up the good work, and thanks for your great and timely humor! Michael McNeil <milawmc@earthlink.net> Sorry, Michael. We barely made it through VALERIE Harper's "Notes on Carlton Your Doorman." Yr pal, Tim Sucksters rule! You've won my heart once again with the quick turn of a phrase. My new email signature: "Just in case Time Warner had any doubts: Guys, Batman and Robin are stone homos. All superheroes are." Sweet! Yr pal, Cameron We're glad to help out, Cameron. We may be a little premature in our judgment, though. Hell, we even think the sexual tension between Shields and Gigot is unbearable. Yr pal, Tim Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! You've made the cut. A true endorsement. I just received notification today of Yahoo's new Bulk Mail folder, created to help protect its customers from spam and other e-indignities. And lo and behold, if Suck wasn't the first item in my Bulk folder. Luv 'n' kisses from Kanadia I don't know that this factoid really merits five Ha's, but my Yahoo mail filled up and started rejecting new mail after only two days. I don't recommend Yahoo mail. Yr pal, Tim The link you had in the 20 January edition to the Sega Poo-Chi announcement had a very odd statement. You even quoted from it. I'm surprised you didn't take it any further. It's probably for the best. "Women in their 20s are expected to be the biggest market for the 7-inch-long, 13-ounce toy." Thanks for sucking. Michael Konold <mkonold@home.com> I think everybody who encountered that sentence, probably including the author, thought the same thing. But everybody left it alone. Thus, sly comedy survives, if only by the slimmest of margins. Yr pal, Tim Doods, You should offer more merchandise with your shit plastered on it. Your logos are cool, your attitude is right. Fubu built a $500 million business on the same concept. It's sort of like the faux film festival for merchandise. It's cool that you don't try to make too much money. Four bucks represents a value T-shirt acquisition. So do more. Any chance you'd consider licensing your name? I'd be a buyer. Out. Sunil Daniels <sdaniels@msn.com> We considered selling merchandise with our shit plastered on it but found that merchandise with our logos and characters was far more popular. Yr pal, Tim |
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