The Fish
for 3 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Hit & Run

What ever happened to the
short interviews that ran on
Thursdays? Surely, there must
be some more suitable people
to interview. Didn't one of
the people from Urge Overkill
just release a solo record?
You should interview him. Or
would that be too easy?

Josh Ronsen
<jronsen@my-deja.com>

Sad but true, Josh. I just
suddenly lost interest in
doing it, and I don't know
why. I think it was that, when
I was in the middle of an
interview, I'd start
thinking, "The stuff I say
is, like, 10 times as
interesting as whatever this
clown is babbling about. Why
isn't anybody interviewing
me?"

Would you find it interesting
if I interviewed myself? I
could interrupt myself like
Charlie Rose. I could ask
myself who my Oscar picks
are, like that woman whose
name I can't remember on CNN
Newsstand. Or I could be like
one of those scrawny little
English wiseguys who goes
around with a camera trying
to blurt out embarrassing
questions before I kick
myself out of the
party/set/headquarters. It
could be pretty damn
exciting, if you ask me.

Maybe not.

Take heart. The Suck
interview will be making a
comeback one of these days.

I don't know about members of
Urge Overkill, though. I can
never think about that band
without hearing that Men at
Work song:

I can't get to sleep
something something something — ation
Diving in too deep
Blah blah blah blah blah — ation
A bunch of other stuff ...
It's just overkill, hmmhmm ...


Now if one of the Men at Work
did a solo project, that
would be pretty exciting,
don't you think?

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I've gone and enrolled in the
requirement-for-graduation
undergraduate Western
Civilization course. So far I
have discovered the saddening
yet unsurprising fact that I
appear to be the only one in
the lecture audience capable
of producing an on-the-fly
Marxist refutation of Max
Weber's interpretation of
Calvinism.

News of Ananova makes me
wonder where I can order a
boxed complete set of Max
Headroom
videotapes. What
year was that thing set in,
anyway — 2002?

Also, in response to your
claim that "all superheroes
are stone homos," that
Captain Marvel was straight.
Billy Batson's adult form
even had a realistic
courtship involving dress-up
dinner dates with his
believable Lois Lane analog,
whose name I do not recall.
Also, the interior dynamics
within the X-Men, Fantastic
Four, and Metal Men reveal
mostly heterosexual tensions.
And the Swamp Thing, who was
doomed to wander around the
deep South after he got
transformed into a plant;
there is no gay subtext
there! Just sympathetic
characters enduring
difficulties, congruent with
James Gunn's formula for good
fiction.

I can't believe I'm actually
writing this. Curse you and
your effective flame-baiting
tactics, Sucksters!

David L. Nicol
<dnicol@cstp.umkc.edu>

It's good to have you back,
David. I assure you that
Suck's next editor will have
to pass a litmus test by
showing that he or she favors
gay superheroes.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hi Sucksters

I've just finished reading
Harper's "Notes on a Native
Son." I hope to hear your
version soon! Y'all keep up
the good work, and thanks for
your great and timely humor!

Michael McNeil
<milawmc@earthlink.net>

Sorry, Michael. We barely
made it through VALERIE
Harper's "Notes on Carlton
Your Doorman."

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Sucksters rule! You've won my
heart once again with the
quick turn of a phrase. My
new email signature:

"Just in case Time Warner had
any doubts: Guys, Batman and
Robin are stone homos. All
superheroes are."

Sweet!

Yr pal,

Cameron

We're glad to help out,
Cameron. We may be a little
premature in our judgment,
though. Hell, we even think
the sexual tension between
Shields and Gigot is
unbearable.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

You've made the cut. A true
endorsement. I just received
notification today of Yahoo's
new Bulk Mail folder, created
to help protect its customers
from spam and other
e-indignities.

And lo and behold, if Suck
wasn't the first item in my
Bulk folder.

Luv 'n' kisses from Kanadia

I don't know that this
factoid really merits five
Ha's, but my Yahoo mail
filled up and started
rejecting new mail after only
two days. I don't recommend
Yahoo mail.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The link you had in the 20
January edition to the Sega
Poo-Chi announcement had a
very odd statement. You
even quoted from it. I'm
surprised you didn't take
it any further. It's probably
for the best.

"Women in their 20s are
expected to be the biggest
market for the 7-inch-long,
13-ounce toy."

Thanks for sucking.

Michael Konold
<mkonold@home.com>

I think everybody who
encountered that sentence,
probably including the
author, thought the same
thing. But everybody left it
alone. Thus, sly comedy
survives, if only by the
slimmest of margins.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Doods,

You should offer more
merchandise with your shit
plastered on it. Your logos
are cool, your attitude is
right. Fubu built a $500
million business on the same
concept.

It's sort of like the faux
film festival for
merchandise.

It's cool that you don't try
to make too much money. Four
bucks represents a value
T-shirt acquisition. So do
more.

Any chance you'd consider
licensing your name?

I'd be a buyer.

Out.

Sunil Daniels
<sdaniels@msn.com>

We considered selling
merchandise with our shit
plastered on it but found
that merchandise with our
logos and characters was far
more popular.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

don't fret ... deep down
inside, we all know you are a
good kid who wouldn't swat a
fly

truly,

gina
<Rotschift@aol.com>

I am neither a kid nor good
and swat flies every chance I
get. See also: evil and
incompetent.

Sorry.

Fretfully yours,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Riding the Wave of
Nyquil

Jesus. It's always something
with you: coffee, Valium,
Nyquil, crack ... some excuse
for acting antisocial and
deranged.

But let's face it: You're
just fucked in the head and
incapable of getting any sort
of satisfaction or meaning
from life. All you can hope
for is to die young, before
you suffer alone through
excruciating struggles with
various tumors, strokes, and
blood clots.

Your pal,

So-So Stu
<sosostu@hotmail.com>

Hmm. Someone who refers to
himself as "So-So" is telling
me I'll never be happy. Can
you say "transference"?

Meaningfully,

Perfect Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Dear Sucksters,

This is about the lovable
David Bowie and his
ever-increasing move into the
future. Recently, during the
Net Aid dull-o-rama-fest,
Bowie was yakking on about
his involvement in the global
World Wide Web, etc., etc.
Except amusingly enough,
instead of stating the term
"Web site," the man of
"Laughing Gnome" would say
"Homebase" — the name of
a UK Kmart–type store
— again and again. "I've
started a new Homebase"; "A
lot of my new music will be
available at my Homebase for
next to nothing" (sad but
true); "people can come to my
Homebase and shop around,
choose what they want, and
get it for free" (if only
such an approach to shopping
were entirely successful).
Mildly titillating, don't you
think?

Jerome Bradshaw
<jeremy.bradshaw@strath.ac.uk>

Nobody in the Suck mail room
recalls any of Ziggy's antics
being even mildly
titillating. Except that time
he gave Lou Reed a big wet
kiss.

Homebase is the name of at
least two different chain
stores: one in the UK and one
in the Western United States.
Bowie's use of the name is
another of those post-hipster
efforts to concoct a more
dynamic term than Web site.
Past attempts have included
cyberstation, Net space, and
the unsung Web toilet. Still,
Web site lives on in all its
uncool glory.

Uncoolly,

Tim


California is having a
teacher shortage. What we
need is a zero tolerance
attitude in our hoodlum
schools. I grew up with such
a system. It was called the
'50s.

<rrfolsom@ webtv.net>

Easy, there, RR. You sound
like that hard-ass cop who
was always looking to bust
the Fonz just for being a
greaser. He even tried to
haul Fonzie in for carrying
his signature switch-comb.
Man, that guy made my blood
boil!

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Is it possible that Sega's
Poo-Chi will sell so well
with women in the 20-plus
age group because the $30
companion has more
intelligence and takes less
maintenance than most men in
that age group? Need I say
more?

Sincerely, Ginger

PS I'm not your mother OR
your wife, so do it yourself!

Woo-hoo, ain't it the truth,
Ginger? Those men! Can't live
with 'em, can't shoot 'em!

And how about those
politicians in Washington?
Can you believe those jerks?

And what is up with those
airline peanuts? What is up
with that, people?

But the weirdest thing about
going to the dentist is when
you're sitting there in the
chair, and he uses that
instrument that's really
wacky but funny in a scary
way! Dj'ever notice that?

Thanks a lot, Ginger, you've
been a great audience.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Is Ananova the female
equivalent of Max Headroom?

Paul Vincent
Winnipeg, Canada

She's the English equivalent
of Suck's own Attica O'Leary,
and we intend to sue.

Yrs litigiously,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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