for 3 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
|
|
Hit & Run What ever happened to the short interviews that ran on Thursdays? Surely, there must be some more suitable people to interview. Didn't one of the people from Urge Overkill just release a solo record? You should interview him. Or would that be too easy? Josh Ronsen <jronsen@my-deja.com> Sad but true, Josh. I just suddenly lost interest in doing it, and I don't know why. I think it was that, when I was in the middle of an interview, I'd start thinking, "The stuff I say is, like, 10 times as interesting as whatever this clown is babbling about. Why isn't anybody interviewing me?" Would you find it interesting if I interviewed myself? I could interrupt myself like Charlie Rose. I could ask myself who my Oscar picks are, like that woman whose name I can't remember on CNN Newsstand. Or I could be like one of those scrawny little English wiseguys who goes around with a camera trying to blurt out embarrassing questions before I kick myself out of the party/set/headquarters. It could be pretty damn exciting, if you ask me. Maybe not. Take heart. The Suck interview will be making a comeback one of these days. I don't know about members of Urge Overkill, though. I can never think about that band without hearing that Men at Work song: I can't get to sleep something something something — ation Diving in too deep Blah blah blah blah blah — ation A bunch of other stuff ... It's just overkill, hmmhmm ... Now if one of the Men at Work did a solo project, that would be pretty exciting, don't you think? Yr pal, Tim  I've gone and enrolled in the requirement-for-graduation undergraduate Western Civilization course. So far I have discovered the saddening yet unsurprising fact that I appear to be the only one in the lecture audience capable of producing an on-the-fly Marxist refutation of Max Weber's interpretation of Calvinism. News of Ananova makes me wonder where I can order a boxed complete set of Max Headroom videotapes. What year was that thing set in, anyway — 2002? Also, in response to your claim that "all superheroes are stone homos," that Captain Marvel was straight. Billy Batson's adult form even had a realistic courtship involving dress-up dinner dates with his believable Lois Lane analog, whose name I do not recall. Also, the interior dynamics within the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Metal Men reveal mostly heterosexual tensions. And the Swamp Thing, who was doomed to wander around the deep South after he got transformed into a plant; there is no gay subtext there! Just sympathetic characters enduring difficulties, congruent with James Gunn's formula for good fiction. I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Curse you and your effective flame-baiting tactics, Sucksters! David L. Nicol <dnicol@cstp.umkc.edu> It's good to have you back, David. I assure you that Suck's next editor will have to pass a litmus test by showing that he or she favors gay superheroes. Yr pal, Tim Hi Sucksters I've just finished reading Harper's "Notes on a Native Son." I hope to hear your version soon! Y'all keep up the good work, and thanks for your great and timely humor! Michael McNeil <milawmc@earthlink.net> Sorry, Michael. We barely made it through VALERIE Harper's "Notes on Carlton Your Doorman." Yr pal, Tim Sucksters rule! You've won my heart once again with the quick turn of a phrase. My new email signature: "Just in case Time Warner had any doubts: Guys, Batman and Robin are stone homos. All superheroes are." Sweet! Yr pal, Cameron We're glad to help out, Cameron. We may be a little premature in our judgment, though. Hell, we even think the sexual tension between Shields and Gigot is unbearable. Yr pal, Tim Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! You've made the cut. A true endorsement. I just received notification today of Yahoo's new Bulk Mail folder, created to help protect its customers from spam and other e-indignities. And lo and behold, if Suck wasn't the first item in my Bulk folder. Luv 'n' kisses from Kanadia I don't know that this factoid really merits five Ha's, but my Yahoo mail filled up and started rejecting new mail after only two days. I don't recommend Yahoo mail. Yr pal, Tim The link you had in the 20 January edition to the Sega Poo-Chi announcement had a very odd statement. You even quoted from it. I'm surprised you didn't take it any further. It's probably for the best. "Women in their 20s are expected to be the biggest market for the 7-inch-long, 13-ounce toy." Thanks for sucking. Michael Konold <mkonold@home.com> I think everybody who encountered that sentence, probably including the author, thought the same thing. But everybody left it alone. Thus, sly comedy survives, if only by the slimmest of margins. Yr pal, Tim Doods, You should offer more merchandise with your shit plastered on it. Your logos are cool, your attitude is right. Fubu built a $500 million business on the same concept. It's sort of like the faux film festival for merchandise. It's cool that you don't try to make too much money. Four bucks represents a value T-shirt acquisition. So do more. Any chance you'd consider licensing your name? I'd be a buyer. Out. Sunil Daniels <sdaniels@msn.com> We considered selling merchandise with our shit plastered on it but found that merchandise with our logos and characters was far more popular. Yr pal, Tim Filler don't fret ... deep down inside, we all know you are a good kid who wouldn't swat a fly truly, gina <Rotschift@aol.com> I am neither a kid nor good and swat flies every chance I get. See also: evil and incompetent. Sorry. Fretfully yours, Polly Subject: Riding the Wave of Nyquil Jesus. It's always something with you: coffee, Valium, Nyquil, crack ... some excuse for acting antisocial and deranged. But let's face it: You're just fucked in the head and incapable of getting any sort of satisfaction or meaning from life. All you can hope for is to die young, before you suffer alone through excruciating struggles with various tumors, strokes, and blood clots. Your pal, So-So Stu <sosostu@hotmail.com> Hmm. Someone who refers to himself as "So-So" is telling me I'll never be happy. Can you say "transference"? Meaningfully, Perfect Polly Hit & Run Dear Sucksters, This is about the lovable David Bowie and his ever-increasing move into the future. Recently, during the Net Aid dull-o-rama-fest, Bowie was yakking on about his involvement in the global World Wide Web, etc., etc. Except amusingly enough, instead of stating the term "Web site," the man of "Laughing Gnome" would say "Homebase" — the name of a UK Kmart–type store — again and again. "I've started a new Homebase"; "A lot of my new music will be available at my Homebase for next to nothing" (sad but true); "people can come to my Homebase and shop around, choose what they want, and get it for free" (if only such an approach to shopping were entirely successful). Mildly titillating, don't you think? Jerome Bradshaw <jeremy.bradshaw@strath.ac.uk> Nobody in the Suck mail room recalls any of Ziggy's antics being even mildly titillating. Except that time he gave Lou Reed a big wet kiss. Homebase is the name of at least two different chain stores: one in the UK and one in the Western United States. Bowie's use of the name is another of those post-hipster efforts to concoct a more dynamic term than Web site. Past attempts have included cyberstation, Net space, and the unsung Web toilet. Still, Web site lives on in all its uncool glory. Uncoolly, Tim California is having a teacher shortage. What we need is a zero tolerance attitude in our hoodlum schools. I grew up with such a system. It was called the '50s. <rrfolsom@ webtv.net> Easy, there, RR. You sound like that hard-ass cop who was always looking to bust the Fonz just for being a greaser. He even tried to haul Fonzie in for carrying his signature switch-comb. Man, that guy made my blood boil! Yr pal, Tim Is it possible that Sega's Poo-Chi will sell so well with women in the 20-plus age group because the $30 companion has more intelligence and takes less maintenance than most men in that age group? Need I say more? Sincerely, Ginger PS I'm not your mother OR your wife, so do it yourself! Woo-hoo, ain't it the truth, Ginger? Those men! Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em! And how about those politicians in Washington? Can you believe those jerks? And what is up with those airline peanuts? What is up with that, people? But the weirdest thing about going to the dentist is when you're sitting there in the chair, and he uses that instrument that's really wacky but funny in a scary way! Dj'ever notice that? Thanks a lot, Ginger, you've been a great audience. the Sucksters Is Ananova the female equivalent of Max Headroom? Paul Vincent Winnipeg, Canada She's the English equivalent of Suck's own Attica O'Leary, and we intend to sue. Yrs litigiously, Tim |
|
||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||
   |
||||||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||||||
 |   | |||||||||||||||||||
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[Copy Edit]](/fish/staff/images/copyeditors.gif){kind=small}
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
![[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]](/fish/staff/images/erin.gif){kind=small}
![[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]](/fish/staff/images/brian.gif)
![[the fixin'
pixie... ]](/fish/staff/images/emily.gif)
![[Ian
Connelly]](/fish/staff/images/ian.gif){kind=small}