The Fish
for 1 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Filler

Polly,

You are one warped, twisted
little person. I like that.
Keep up the kick-ass work
about the diluted life.

JoeE
<christos3000@hotmail.com>

Well, I was focusing mostly
on the deluded life, but come
to think of it, the concept
of the diluted life is worth
pursuing as well. Some people
dilute their lives with
whiskey and women of ill
repute. Others dilute their
lives with investment
strategies and vacation
plans. Others dilute their
lives with complicated
relationships and yoga.
Others dilute their lives
with grapefruit soda and bad
TV. Diluting is a
double-edged sword: If you
have a tendency to live in
your head too much, it can
keep you focused on the
concrete. It can take some of
the neurotic edge off of
things. But if you dilute too
much, you might just wake up
one morning and say, "Holy
shit, I've done nothing but
drink grapefruit soda and
watch bad TV for the last six
months!"

Dilution can be its own form
of delusion.

Yours in undiluted delusion,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Just this last Tuesday The
New York Times
had an article
in the Science Times section
about the woeful inability of
the incompetent to accurately
judge their own performance.
You might want to read it.

lucas phillips
<lucas@futureperf.com>

I'm absolutely unable to
judge my own performance, but
something tells me your
performance has been lacking
for years now.

Have you tried watching
videos first? You know, to
get in the mood?

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Cows

Why don't you write some
stuff about cows? I never see
cows in Filler. I like cows.

Kevin Connelly
<connelly@gene.com>

Cows. Are cows funny? Cows
aren't evil, that's for sure.
I think you have to be evil
to be funny. Evil or
incompetent. Hence Pat
Buchanan's dual appeal.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


There is nothing better then
sitting down and polishing
off a nice cool bottle of
Nyquil while reading Filler.
I prefer the green stuff
cause it gives a little extra
kick over that pussy Dayquil
shit they try to pass off to
people who want to "be
productive" and "have good
motor skills." I find the
extra challenge of driving
while completely zombiefied
on Nyquil exhilarating and
enlightening. So excuse me
while I take another round. I
loved this Filler; don't take
any shit from some schmoe who
doesn't know the power of
over-the-counter drugs.

Faithful Suck fan,

Nathan Schill
<nas@yourinter.net>

Uh ... green stuff? The
Nyquil I had was red. It used
to be green though, didn't
it? Or does it come in
different colors? I have to
say, that pussy Dayquil shit
is a very exciting shade of
orange.

Fighting the power of
over-the-counter drugs,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


From the Mouths of Babes

Subject: Poor Elián

Dear Suck Solomon or Just
Suck:

Your article on poor
Elián strikes a chord.
Think of all of the kids who
rather quietly reside in
poverty in the United States
because being poor ain't no
day at Disney with Kathie Lee.
Maybe they should jump
in an inner tube and float in
Lake Michigan with the hopes
of getting a cute dog and
year-round passes to
amusement parks.

Drew Anderson
<danderson9@uswest.net>

While your comments are
correct, they are in another,
more accurate way wrong.
Indeed, the INS has long
dissuaded youthful tire-tube
migrants from Haiti precisely
by warning those downtrodden
souls that, if they in fact
make it to American shores,
they will immediately be
forced to spend a day at Walt
Disney World with Kathie Lee
Giff (who will beg for anal
sex in the "make-your-
own-videotape" parlor)
and the rest of that
happy family. Given that
possibility, grinding Third
World poverty suddenly looks
pretty swell.

Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I ENJOYED THIS
COLUMN. I UNFORTUNATELY LIVE
IN SOUTH FLORIDA, AND HE IS
ALWAYS ON THE NEWS, WHICH
MADE ME STOP WATCHING THE
NEWS. THEY COVER EVERYTHING
HE DOES, FROM GOING TO SCHOOL
TO PLAYING OUTSIDE TO GOING
TO THE CIRCUS. I AM WAITING
FOR THE ELIÁN HANGNAIL
STORY NEXT. THANKS FOR THE
LAUGH.

GIGI
<Sissisonik@aol.com>

Dear Gigi,

Here's the saddest part of
your letter: When
Elián's gone —
whether back to Cuba or to a
gig as a plate-spinner in the
Mulan parade extravaganza at
Disney World — you'll still be
in South Florida. One eerily
unexplored sidebar to this
whole tale of international
— nay, intergalactic —
misery is precisely why
anyone lives in that entire
quadrant of the planet to
begin with.

Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Gary Coleman

You forgot to mention Gary's
900 number deal. For a
pay-per-minute charge, he's
talking sexy to woo the
ladies. It makes me wanna
puke. Looking for extra cash,
Gary? You mean you guys
didn't hear about this? He
must have really hit rock
bottom. I wish you could find
the number to listen to this
trash. I heard it replayed,
and it still makes me ill to
think about it. Ugh!

Wicks
<dwicks@primary.net>

We're not just former child
stars here at Suck; many of
us are former (well, not
quite former) sex workers as
well. So we take a much more
positive view of Gary
Coleman's 900 number. Pace
you and your uptight
bourgeois morality, it shows
Gary is on a creative and
commercial upswing,
especially as it beats his
talking dirty to Conrad Bain
and Charlotte Rae for all
those years on Diff'rent
Strokes.


Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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