The Fish
for 31 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



From the Mouths of Babes

Subject: Poor Elián

Dear Suck Solomon or Just
Suck:

Your article on poor
Elián strikes a chord.
Think of all of the kids who
rather quietly reside in
poverty in the United States
because being poor ain't no
day at Disney with Kathie Lee.
Maybe they should jump
in an inner tube and float in
Lake Michigan with the hopes
of getting a cute dog and
year-round passes to
amusement parks.

Drew Anderson
<danderson9@uswest.net>

While your comments are
correct, they are in another,
more accurate way wrong.
Indeed, the INS has long
dissuaded youthful tire-tube
migrants from Haiti precisely
by warning those downtrodden
souls that, if they in fact
make it to American shores,
they will immediately be
forced to spend a day at Walt
Disney World with Kathie Lee
Giff (who will beg for anal
sex in the "make-your-
own-videotape" parlor)
and the rest of that
happy family. Given that
possibility, grinding Third
World poverty suddenly looks
pretty swell.

Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I ENJOYED THIS
COLUMN. I UNFORTUNATELY LIVE
IN SOUTH FLORIDA, AND HE IS
ALWAYS ON THE NEWS, WHICH
MADE ME STOP WATCHING THE
NEWS. THEY COVER EVERYTHING
HE DOES, FROM GOING TO SCHOOL
TO PLAYING OUTSIDE TO GOING
TO THE CIRCUS. I AM WAITING
FOR THE ELIÁN HANGNAIL
STORY NEXT. THANKS FOR THE
LAUGH.

GIGI
<Sissisonik@aol.com>

Dear Gigi,

Here's the saddest part of
your letter: When
Elián's gone —
whether back to Cuba or to a
gig as a plate-spinner in the
Mulan parade extravaganza at
Disney World — you'll still be
in South Florida. One eerily
unexplored sidebar to this
whole tale of international
— nay, intergalactic —
misery is precisely why
anyone lives in that entire
quadrant of the planet to
begin with.

Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Gary Coleman

You forgot to mention Gary's
900 number deal. For a
pay-per-minute charge, he's
talking sexy to woo the
ladies. It makes me wanna
puke. Looking for extra cash,
Gary? You mean you guys
didn't hear about this? He
must have really hit rock
bottom. I wish you could find
the number to listen to this
trash. I heard it replayed,
and it still makes me ill to
think about it. Ugh!

Wicks
<dwicks@primary.net>

We're not just former child
stars here at Suck; many of
us are former (well, not
quite former) sex workers as
well. So we take a much more
positive view of Gary
Coleman's 900 number. Pace
you and your uptight
bourgeois morality, it shows
Gary is on a creative and
commercial upswing,
especially as it beats his
talking dirty to Conrad Bain
and Charlotte Rae for all
those years on Diff'rent
Strokes.


Cordially,

Solomon Grundy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Vending Machine Shakedown

Greetings Alice the Camel:

I loved the way you ended the
piece, indicating that the
informal rules of the
marketplace prevail. One
solution is for the
price-sensitive consumer to
carry a small cooler of
store-brand soda. Of course,
"price sensitive" means doing
away with the convenience of
not being a pack mule away
from home.

With all of the different
price models in today's
marketplace, perhaps a
vending company might even
deign to lower prices of cold
cola in hot weather,
expecting that the volume of
sales might compensate for
lower per-unit margin. A
flashing light (Kmart-style)
could even promote the
"sale," allowing this
technology to benefit both
consumer and merchant.

Peace, love, 'n' capital
gains,

Daniel Corvino
Trenton, New Jersey
<DANCORV@aol.com>

Thanks for the props, my
brother. I think you might be
on to something with this
small cooler of store-
brand-pop idea. In
fact, a can of Fastco Diet
Root Beer sounds really good
right now. I gotta go.

the Camel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 



Subject: Sigh

Every time I see a huge
corporation trying to rip the
consumer off, it just makes
me want to reload another
clip in my assault rifle. I
mean, Jesus, how much money
is going to be enough? I'm
scraping by so I can have a
pack of cigarettes, and Coke
wants to pinch me for another
quarter because I just broke
a sweat in the damn heat?
Give me a break.

Nathan Schill
<nas@yourinter.net>

Yeah, assault rifle ... um,
me too.

Thanks for the feedback,

(gulp)
the Camel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Messenger Service

I thought you were in the
army. When do you get time to
write this stuff?

Cisco Velasquez
<fvelasqu@ball.com>

One paragraph — 25
push-ups, one paragraph —
25 push-ups, one paragraph
— 25 push-ups. Repeat
until completion. It's been
scientifically proven that
you write better while you've
got your swole on. True!

Beers
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


hi. i read suck. i've read
your articles. i wrote you
mail once. you replied. i
saved it. can't say the same
for replies from the other
sucksters i've written.
anyway, um, i read about this
army thing (a bit too late. i
took a suck hiatus this
summer so i'm just catching
up these days; my suck
reading vastly declines when
i don't have a stupid job
that plops me in front of a
web-equipped pc every day).
it's weird. my first reaction
was "um, ha, a joke." my
second reaction was "um, ha,
haa ha, funny? joke?" then i
figured it was serious. i'm
back to thinking it might be
some elaborate joke. i'm so
anti-military (not in a
military-is-evil sort of way,
but in an anti-authority-
post-adolescent sort of way).
so i just sort of weird out a
bit when i hear about someone
i can hold a coherent
conversation with being in
the military. one of my irc
friends joined the marines.
one of my friends who wore a
dress one day to high school
did too. he just got out,
though.

but i'm digressing all over
the place.

anyway, assuming it's true
and you're in the army, good
luck and stuff. have fun. i
liked your email a lot and
your articles, so don't, um,
have problems. thanks. bye.

christian nutt


First of all, best use of
declarative sentences since
Sherwood Anderson.

Now. It's not a joke, at
least not in the "funny thing
that someone made up" sense.
And I'm having no problems,
except for spectacular,
mind-altering boredom and a
mostly unmet need for an
interesting conversation,
just every once in a while.
And the woman I was dating
is dating a lawyer now and
doesn't talk to me anymore,
but she lives in Los Angeles
and I live in Shithole,
Georgia, and she thinks I'm
insane for leaving, so that's
maybe not so surprising. But
thanks for the concern.

Judging by the reaction I got
that one time I was stupid
enough to listen to the
Smiths in the barracks, your
dress-wearing friend must
have had a really enjoyable
term of service. Yeah. Wow.

Peace,

Chris
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear AB:

Having nothing to add to your
witty diatribe, I will tell
you a joke that an Iranian
friend told me (very much in
private) when I was there.

An American, a Japanese, and
an Iranian are in an
airplane, each bragging that
theirs was the richest country
of all. First, the American:
"We're so rich and have so
much food that we throw food
away all the time." With
that, he reaches behind him,
pulls out a freezer full of
steaks, and throws them out
of the plane.

"That's nothing," says the
Japanese. "In Japan, we're so
wealthy and have so many
electronic gadgets that we
throw away all our
electronics as soon as we get
them." And with that, he
reaches behind him, pulls out
an entire sack of Sony TVs,
and throws them out of the
plane.

"Bah, this is nothing," says
the Iranian. "Here in Persia,
we are so rich and have so
much religion that we throw
it away all the time." With
that, he reaches behind him,
pulls out three mullahs by
their beards, and throws them
out of the plane.

Trust me, you had to be
there. Except for the
minority that is getting rich
from it and another truly
devout minority that turns a
blind eye, most Iranians have
come to hate the mullahs: not
for religious reasons, since
your average Iranian is a
pretty religious Shiite, but
because they have become
horribly corrupt. Turns out
that absolute power corrupts
absolutely. And there is
still nothing new under the
sun.

Nice piece. Thanks.

Alan S Kornheiser
<ASKornheiser@prodigy.net>

You know, I bet there are all
kinds of really enjoyable
subversive Iranian humor
floating around, very
quietly, in response to the
climate of general
not-niceness there. Perhaps
someone can publish one of
those joke books that people
read on the toilet: I'm
seeing Madcap Mullahs as a
title.

I envy your trips to Iran. I
work for the wrong employer
to attempt this just now
— except maybe with a few
divisions of armored support,
of course — but I very
much hope to go someday. So
save your unused bus tokens
for me, and email the names
of some good sports bars in
Tehran.

These three dissident editors
walk into a bar,

Chris
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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