The Fish
for 25 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

The Rabbit in Winter

OK, I'm picking nits, and I'm
sure you wrote your article
on Hef back in 1999, but it
appeared in 2000. You stated
that a pregnant Lisa Rinna
appeared on the cover of
Playboy "last year." Lisa
Rinna was on the cover of
Playboy in all her bloated
glory in 1998. I remember it
specifically, sitting on a
table with a copy of
Cosmopolitan and an
overflowing ashtray in the
basement of a hair salon.

Damn my photographic memory!

Alexia Henke


So did you write one of those
letters to Dear Playboy:
"Thank you for featuring the
heavenly Lisa Rinna. This
vision of the beauty of
motherhood truly took this
reader's breath away!"?

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. B:

Nice piece. I'd have tagged
it Rabbit Redux, but a fine
piece none the same. Still,
especially given that this is
Suck after all, I wonder if
it wasn't a bit too kind.
(Kindness is good, of course.
What do the two films that
have been named best films of
the year by the national film
critics board — whatever
the hell that is — have
in common, other than the fact
that nobody has seen either The
Dreamlife of Angels
Topsy-Turvy, because the
first opened and closed in 15
minutes with US$1.27 in
marketing money and the
second is playing in three
places nationwide? Both are
essentially kind films that
sympathize with their
subjects. Kindness just may
not be needed here at Suck.)
Mr. Hefner is playing out the
third and last act of his
play as farce, and the only
thing worse than being
drafted into a war you didn't
know was being fought is
being drafted into a war you
know damn well was fought and
lost decades earlier. His
battle is over; we can lust
after and fuck and regret
anyone we damn well please
(and don't think that isn't a
real change from when he
started Playboy), and we are
no more happy and no more
human now than we were then
and still are forced to make
that unmapped trip back into
the rag and boneyard of the

As I said, thanks for the
fine writing. Terry's art is,
as always, scarily good.

Alan S Kornheiser

Back into the rag? Don't you
mean back on the rag?

You get a lot of earnest
replies to your earnest
responses, Alan. Now and then
we need to willfully
misunderstand you, just to
keep your flame of love for
Suck lit and burning bright.
Sort of like we're playing
hard to get. Sort of like
sex, back in the days before
Playboy. Now people have to
write books with titles like
The New Modesty and A Return
to Not Being a Total Slut.

But your basic point, that
we're no more happy and no
more human now than we were
before Playboy? We agree with
that. In fact, we were just
saying the same thing about
the advent of the minivan.
Minivans are innovative and
everything, but the truth is,
we're no more happy and no
more human now than we were
before the minivan busted
onto the scene.

Happier than a Dodge Caravan,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sir or Madam or Thing,

I followed your link on
today's column to the
barnesandnoble Web site for
The Century of Sex: Playboy's
History of the Sexual
Revolution, 1900�
found — " customers
who bought this book also
bought: Crossword Puzzles in
Large Type #22,

(We told you you'd go blind
if you didn't stop it.)

Mark Lutton

If The Century of Sex came in
large type, then we'd be
Fish With Letter Icon

What does it mean when, as I
read the phrase, "Beatty and
Nicholson running wild," the
first Beatty that popped into
my head was Ned, not Warren?

Slightly worried,

Tony Nowikowski

You should be worried. We
forgot Ned Beatty existed,
and frankly, we regret the
fact that you reminded us of
him. Thanks a lot,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

It's just sex, people, get
OVER it.

I read this, the latest SUCK
installment, and said

Who CARES? Do normal (adult,
not overaged adolescents)
people with regular lives
really spend this much time
wondering about how they
"measure up" or whether
they're still attractive to
the opposite sex or the
quality and quantity of their
orgasms? And if they DO, what
in hell are they gonna DO
about it ANYWAY — we are
ALL constructed with built-in
limitations, if you catch my

Yes, sex is pleasurable. Yes,
sex is important (where would
we all be WITHOUT it?). And,
yes, the '60s brought on a
much-needed sexual
revolution, bringing the
subject out of the dark hole
it had been stuffed into by
earlier, more puritanical, and
more hypocritical
generations. Yes, to a
moderate extent, Mr. Hefner
and the Playboy philosophy
had a hand (God, no pun
intended!) in that

But did it really matter?
Really? In the face of
racism, nationalistic
oppression, economic
ruination via amoral
corporate greed, and
international war and
pestilence (natural and
manufactured), does Playboy
and the mind set and
lifestyle it attempts to
engender actually MEAN

I think not.

HERE'S an idea for those who
worship at the Hef-man's
slippered feet: Read a BOOK
(NOT a magazine or a how-to
or a technical manual or a
gossip rag or ANYTHING by
Anthony Robbins or L. Ron
Horse-manure — I mean
something that informs or
challenges or excites you as
a person, mentally and
spiritually) from cover to
cover without complaint; grow
the hell up (leave ... high
school ... BEHIND you! If the
last time you experienced any
sort of validation was THEN,
then you're grossly polluting
the genetic-societal pool
— please REMOVE
yourself!); LOOK IN THE
MIRROR — if you think
that air-brushed
emotionally-vapid, perfect
Barbie Doll women are the
answer to your problems, then
riddle me this: What in HELL
would they want YOU for, you
out-of-shape, pot-bellied,
acne-ridden, barely-literate,
no-to- low-income,
socially-inept LOSER?

Hefner? Suck wrote about
HEFNER seriously, like
there's some great
philosophical import to him
and his creation?

C'MON...! They're just
pictures of nekkid chicks
already ... how in the world
did THAT become something
that mattered (exploitation
issues notwithstanding)?

Joseph Armstead

"Yes, sex is pleasurable"?
Admittedly, sex is enjoyable?
Granted, sex can be fun,

Do people who have a lot of
sex make statements like

We don't know about you, but
we find that sex informs or
challenges or excites us as
people, mentally and
spiritually, much more than
reading books does.

Mister, you need to get laid.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Informercial Oscars

Just want to let you know
that your Infomercial Oscars
sequence was completely

I have personal cause to
appreciate it, because I work
for, where the
Body by Jake Ab Rocker and a
lot of other infomercial
items are sold over the
Internet. Every day I deal
with a million idiots who
order these stupid things and
constantly breathe down my
neck about their delivery.
These items are worthless,
and everyone in our company
knows it. We are stuck
retailing them, because the
company that distributes
them, E4L, owns 50 percent of
our company.

I put up with tons of
supervisor calls all the time
due to some no-integrity
profiteering shark of a
company that is completely
worthless when it comes to
fulfilling its orders.

So, I just wanted to let you
know your piece was very well
done and extremely accurate.

Name Withheld to Protect the

And here I thought I might
have been TOO rough on the
poor old Infom — I mean,
the "electronic retailing"
industry! After all, I have
no moral objection to the way
these people make a buck or
to infomercials in general
(as long as I don't have to
WATCH them, that is). But
what you describe sounds like
just plain ol' bad business
practices. Someone call the

Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

You rock Peter.

I've been looking at the
latest boom in theme-park
development, and it is scary

Check out John Hannigan's
Fantasy City for a good solid
description of the state of


Marc Tuters

Many native Las Vegasans
complain about how the Strip
has been completely taken
away from them, now that it's
totally dominated by all
these enormous casino/resort/
Even though I went there to
cover the Infomercial story,
I came away thinking that
what's happening to Vegas
would make for an even
better story.

Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

Why are you soiling yourself
and your priceless reputation
contributing to a hack
journal like Is it
the cash? I'll make you
dinner and help you find a
place to live ... I know SF
is a little more difficult
than Seattle ... lemme know
what I can do.

All kidding aside ... I love
your work.


Kidding or not, the response
I got to this, my first
online feature ever,
certainly was no laughing
matter. Now I know where all
the people who used to read
comic books went —
they're browsing the Internet
all day!

Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Peter,

That was Joe Matt in the Arm
Warbelizer 2000 panel wasn't


Gregori Somoff



Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

Thank you, Pete, for making
me laugh so hard that I
nearly spit my coffee all
over the work I was (supposed
to be) doing. I'm a longtime
fan of Hate, and it was great
to see you do the Suck thing
this morning. I hope to see it
happen again!

Lisa Giordano
A girlfriend of Mike McPadden
not featured in "Yeah!"

No, thank you for goofing off
on the job! Where would Suck
be without people like you?!?

Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

It's so nice to see that Suck now
has picked an appropriate
poster(izing) boy for its
low-banked, seething under
the surface, restrained
humor-disgust-rage from the
ranks of my generation's
favorite indie-rag gods.

Is this just a guest stint,
or will your remain to inject
Suck with the raw flavor of
Hate it (and us sucksters!)
needs and so justly deserves?
Or maybe I just missed the 50
other columns you've done in
my past two years of Web-tit-

Oh, did you happen to hear
any info on when I should be
watching the tube to get a
special uncut video/DVD of
the ERA awards? Perhaps with
my order of George Foreman's
Lean, Mean, Fat-reducing
Grilling Machine for myself
and a friend?

Anyway, thanks for cutting
out a trip to the comic shop
for me this week. :)

Trey Schultz
<treys@startinteractive .com>

I'll gladly do more for Suck
if they'll let me. As for a
video of the ERA awards, I
heard no mention of anyone
marketing it — but
believe me, if they did, you
wouldn't want to see it. This
thing was not "so bad it's
good." It was just bad — and

Peter Bagge
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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