for 25 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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The Rabbit in Winter OK, I'm picking nits, and I'm sure you wrote your article on Hef back in 1999, but it appeared in 2000. You stated that a pregnant Lisa Rinna appeared on the cover of Playboy "last year." Lisa Rinna was on the cover of Playboy in all her bloated glory in 1998. I remember it specifically, sitting on a table with a copy of Cosmopolitan and an overflowing ashtray in the basement of a hair salon. Damn my photographic memory! :) Alexia Henke <alexia_henke@exchangeny.deutschinc.com> So did you write one of those letters to Dear Playboy: "Thank you for featuring the heavenly Lisa Rinna. This vision of the beauty of motherhood truly took this reader's breath away!"? the Sucksters  Dear Mr. B: Nice piece. I'd have tagged it Rabbit Redux, but a fine piece none the same. Still, especially given that this is Suck after all, I wonder if it wasn't a bit too kind. (Kindness is good, of course. What do the two films that have been named best films of the year by the national film critics board — whatever the hell that is — have in common, other than the fact that nobody has seen either The Dreamlife of Angels or Topsy-Turvy, because the first opened and closed in 15 minutes with US$1.27 in marketing money and the second is playing in three places nationwide? Both are essentially kind films that sympathize with their subjects. Kindness just may not be needed here at Suck.) Mr. Hefner is playing out the third and last act of his play as farce, and the only thing worse than being drafted into a war you didn't know was being fought is being drafted into a war you know damn well was fought and lost decades earlier. His battle is over; we can lust after and fuck and regret anyone we damn well please (and don't think that isn't a real change from when he started Playboy), and we are no more happy and no more human now than we were then and still are forced to make that unmapped trip back into the rag and boneyard of the heart. As I said, thanks for the fine writing. Terry's art is, as always, scarily good. Alan S Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> Back into the rag? Don't you mean back on the rag? You get a lot of earnest replies to your earnest responses, Alan. Now and then we need to willfully misunderstand you, just to keep your flame of love for Suck lit and burning bright. Sort of like we're playing hard to get. Sort of like sex, back in the days before Playboy. Now people have to write books with titles like The New Modesty and A Return to Not Being a Total Slut. But your basic point, that we're no more happy and no more human now than we were before Playboy? We agree with that. In fact, we were just saying the same thing about the advent of the minivan. Minivans are innovative and everything, but the truth is, we're no more happy and no more human now than we were before the minivan busted onto the scene. Happier than a Dodge Caravan, the Sucksters Dear Sir or Madam or Thing, I followed your link on today's column to the barnesandnoble Web site for The Century of Sex: Playboy's History of the Sexual Revolution, 1900� and found — "bn.com customers who bought this book also bought: Crossword Puzzles in Large Type #22, Charles Preston." (We told you you'd go blind if you didn't stop it.) Mark Lutton <Mark.Lutton@newsedge.com> If The Century of Sex came in large type, then we'd be talkin'. What does it mean when, as I read the phrase, "Beatty and Nicholson running wild," the first Beatty that popped into my head was Ned, not Warren? Slightly worried, Tony Nowikowski <tony@nowikowski.com> You should be worried. We forgot Ned Beatty existed, and frankly, we regret the fact that you reminded us of him. Thanks a lot, Nowikowski. the Sucksters It's just sex, people, get OVER it. I read this, the latest SUCK installment, and said "Whaaaaaat?" Who CARES? Do normal (adult, not overaged adolescents) people with regular lives really spend this much time wondering about how they "measure up" or whether they're still attractive to the opposite sex or the quality and quantity of their orgasms? And if they DO, what in hell are they gonna DO about it ANYWAY — we are ALL constructed with built-in limitations, if you catch my meaning. Yes, sex is pleasurable. Yes, sex is important (where would we all be WITHOUT it?). And, yes, the '60s brought on a much-needed sexual revolution, bringing the subject out of the dark hole it had been stuffed into by earlier, more puritanical, and more hypocritical generations. Yes, to a moderate extent, Mr. Hefner and the Playboy philosophy had a hand (God, no pun intended!) in that revolution/evolution. But did it really matter? Really? In the face of racism, nationalistic oppression, economic ruination via amoral corporate greed, and international war and pestilence (natural and manufactured), does Playboy and the mind set and lifestyle it attempts to engender actually MEAN anything? I think not. HERE'S an idea for those who worship at the Hef-man's slippered feet: Read a BOOK (NOT a magazine or a how-to or a technical manual or a gossip rag or ANYTHING by Anthony Robbins or L. Ron Horse-manure — I mean something that informs or challenges or excites you as a person, mentally and spiritually) from cover to cover without complaint; grow the hell up (leave ... high school ... BEHIND you! If the last time you experienced any sort of validation was THEN, then you're grossly polluting the genetic-societal pool — please REMOVE yourself!); LOOK IN THE MIRROR — if you think that air-brushed sexually-compliant, emotionally-vapid, perfect Barbie Doll women are the answer to your problems, then riddle me this: What in HELL would they want YOU for, you out-of-shape, pot-bellied, acne-ridden, barely-literate, no-to- low-income, living-vicariously- through-your-sports-heroes, socially-inept LOSER? Hefner? Suck wrote about HEFNER seriously, like there's some great philosophical import to him and his creation? C'MON...! They're just pictures of nekkid chicks already ... how in the world did THAT become something that mattered (exploitation issues notwithstanding)? Joseph Armstead <JArmstead@ mdbe.com> "Yes, sex is pleasurable"? Admittedly, sex is enjoyable? Granted, sex can be fun, sometimes? Do people who have a lot of sex make statements like this? We don't know about you, but we find that sex informs or challenges or excites us as people, mentally and spiritually, much more than reading books does. Mister, you need to get laid. the Sucksters Informercial Oscars Just want to let you know that your Infomercial Oscars sequence was completely awesome. I have personal cause to appreciate it, because I work for BuyItNow.com, where the Body by Jake Ab Rocker and a lot of other infomercial items are sold over the Internet. Every day I deal with a million idiots who order these stupid things and constantly breathe down my neck about their delivery. These items are worthless, and everyone in our company knows it. We are stuck retailing them, because the company that distributes them, E4L, owns 50 percent of our company. I put up with tons of supervisor calls all the time due to some no-integrity profiteering shark of a company that is completely worthless when it comes to fulfilling its orders. So, I just wanted to let you know your piece was very well done and extremely accurate. Name Withheld to Protect the Libelous And here I thought I might have been TOO rough on the poor old Infom — I mean, the "electronic retailing" industry! After all, I have no moral objection to the way these people make a buck or to infomercials in general (as long as I don't have to WATCH them, that is). But what you describe sounds like just plain ol' bad business practices. Someone call the BBB! Peter Bagge You rock Peter. I've been looking at the latest boom in theme-park development, and it is scary stuff. Check out John Hannigan's Fantasy City for a good solid description of the state of things. Yours, Marc Tuters <mtuters@hotmail.com> Many native Las Vegasans complain about how the Strip has been completely taken away from them, now that it's totally dominated by all these enormous casino/resort/ cities-unto-themselves. Even though I went there to cover the Infomercial story, I came away thinking that what's happening to Vegas would make for an even better story. Peter Bagge Why are you soiling yourself and your priceless reputation contributing to a hack journal like Suck.com? Is it the cash? I'll make you dinner and help you find a place to live ... I know SF is a little more difficult than Seattle ... lemme know what I can do. All kidding aside ... I love your work. David <dsv@inreach.com> Kidding or not, the response I got to this, my first online feature ever, certainly was no laughing matter. Now I know where all the people who used to read comic books went — they're browsing the Internet all day! Peter Bagge Dear Peter, That was Joe Matt in the Arm Warbelizer 2000 panel wasn't it? Sincerely, Gregori Somoff <gsomoff.SF.BACHCROM@bachcrom.com> Yes. Peter Bagge Thank you, Pete, for making me laugh so hard that I nearly spit my coffee all over the work I was (supposed to be) doing. I'm a longtime fan of Hate, and it was great to see you do the Suck thing this morning. I hope to see it happen again! Lisa Giordano A girlfriend of Mike McPadden not featured in "Yeah!" <lisa_giordano@ghgroup.com> No, thank you for goofing off on the job! Where would Suck be without people like you?!? Peter Bagge It's so nice to see that Suck now has picked an appropriate poster(izing) boy for its low-banked, seething under the surface, restrained humor-disgust-rage from the ranks of my generation's favorite indie-rag gods. Is this just a guest stint, or will your remain to inject Suck with the raw flavor of Hate it (and us sucksters!) needs and so justly deserves? Or maybe I just missed the 50 other columns you've done in my past two years of Web-tit- riding. Oh, did you happen to hear any info on when I should be watching the tube to get a special uncut video/DVD of the ERA awards? Perhaps with my order of George Foreman's Lean, Mean, Fat-reducing Grilling Machine for myself and a friend? Anyway, thanks for cutting out a trip to the comic shop for me this week. :) Trey Schultz <treys@startinteractive .com> I'll gladly do more for Suck if they'll let me. As for a video of the ERA awards, I heard no mention of anyone marketing it — but believe me, if they did, you wouldn't want to see it. This thing was not "so bad it's good." It was just bad — and boring! Peter Bagge |
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