for 24 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Informercial Oscars Just want to let you know that your Infomercial Oscars sequence was completely awesome. I have personal cause to appreciate it, because I work for BuyItNow.com, where the Body by Jake Ab Rocker and a lot of other infomercial items are sold over the Internet. Every day I deal with a million idiots who order these stupid things and constantly breathe down my neck about their delivery. These items are worthless, and everyone in our company knows it. We are stuck retailing them, because the company that distributes them, E4L, owns 50 percent of our company. I put up with tons of supervisor calls all the time due to some no-integrity profiteering shark of a company that is completely worthless when it comes to fulfilling its orders. So, I just wanted to let you know your piece was very well done and extremely accurate. Name Withheld to Protect the Libelous And here I thought I might have been TOO rough on the poor old Infom — I mean, the "electronic retailing" industry! After all, I have no moral objection to the way these people make a buck or to infomercials in general (as long as I don't have to WATCH them, that is). But what you describe sounds like just plain ol' bad business practices. Someone call the BBB! Peter Bagge  You rock Peter. I've been looking at the latest boom in theme-park development, and it is scary stuff. Check out John Hannigan's Fantasy City for a good solid description of the state of things. Yours, Marc Tuters <mtuters@hotmail.com> Many native Las Vegasans complain about how the Strip has been completely taken away from them, now that it's totally dominated by all these enormous casino/resort/ cities-unto-themselves. Even though I went there to cover the Infomercial story, I came away thinking that what's happening to Vegas would make for an even better story. Peter Bagge Why are you soiling yourself and your priceless reputation contributing to a hack journal like Suck.com? Is it the cash? I'll make you dinner and help you find a place to live ... I know SF is a little more difficult than Seattle ... lemme know what I can do. All kidding aside ... I love your work. David <dsv@inreach.com> Kidding or not, the response I got to this, my first online feature ever, certainly was no laughing matter. Now I know where all the people who used to read comic books went — they're browsing the Internet all day! Peter Bagge Dear Peter, That was Joe Matt in the Arm Warbelizer 2000 panel wasn't it? Sincerely, Gregori Somoff <gsomoff.SF.BACHCROM@bachcrom.com> Yes. Peter Bagge Thank you, Pete, for making me laugh so hard that I nearly spit my coffee all over the work I was (supposed to be) doing. I'm a longtime fan of Hate, and it was great to see you do the Suck thing this morning. I hope to see it happen again! Lisa Giordano A girlfriend of Mike McPadden not featured in "Yeah!" <lisa_giordano@ghgroup.com> No, thank you for goofing off on the job! Where would Suck be without people like you?!? Peter Bagge It's so nice to see that Suck now has picked an appropriate poster(izing) boy for its low-banked, seething under the surface, restrained humor-disgust-rage from the ranks of my generation's favorite indie-rag gods. Is this just a guest stint, or will your remain to inject Suck with the raw flavor of Hate it (and us sucksters!) needs and so justly deserves? Or maybe I just missed the 50 other columns you've done in my past two years of Web-tit- riding. Oh, did you happen to hear any info on when I should be watching the tube to get a special uncut video/DVD of the ERA awards? Perhaps with my order of George Foreman's Lean, Mean, Fat-reducing Grilling Machine for myself and a friend? Anyway, thanks for cutting out a trip to the comic shop for me this week. :) Trey Schultz <treys@startinteractive .com> I'll gladly do more for Suck if they'll let me. As for a video of the ERA awards, I heard no mention of anyone marketing it — but believe me, if they did, you wouldn't want to see it. This thing was not "so bad it's good." It was just bad — and boring! Peter Bagge Hit & Run What's the Sucksters' opinion on Luc Besson? (Point of No Return, The Fifth Element, The Messenger) s0crates <s0crates@gateway.net> Before the opinion, a correction. Besson did not make Point of No Return. This film was a remake of his Nikita (distributed in the United States as La Femme Nikita to give it what the French call a certain I don't know what). The best thing Besson has done is give wide exposure to Jean Reno. Nikita was far more interesting for its absurd plot than for its directing, which seemed to me to steal all the vices of big-caliber US action movies and none of their virtues. Notably, the only element of the film that had any lasting resonance was the character of the cleaner, who showed up in Pulp Fiction and Point of No Return, both times played by Harvey Keitel in a fascinating closed loop of unoriginality. My only reaction to The Fifth Element was a belief that if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to punch Chris Tucker in the face for eternity, then my pious life will not have been in vain. In a movie without any redeeming qualities, he added a crucial element of intolerability. I do think casting Milla Jovovich as Joan of Arc was a stroke of genius. But the influence of Jeunet and Caro has been much wider and more salubrious, most recently in the grossly underrated Mystery Men. I can't see Besson being very influential, because all his tricks seem to be cribbed from other people. Yr pal, Tim Regarding the point you've made about Tarzan maintaining No. 1 film status in France, I think it is important to remember (or be made aware of) the fact that the American film industry does strong-arm foreign theaters. You may (or may not) be aware of it, but similar to Microsoft's "put Windows on everything or we won't sell you anything" deal with computer hardware vendors, the American film industry has long forced foreign theaters to show a certain percentage of American movies. That means that if a theater wants to show any American films, 70 percent of the total number of films shown must be American films. I may not be accurately representing that percentage, but you can appreciate the implications. If you want to show The Matrix, you are also committed to buying Eyes Wide Shut, Celebrity, and The Phantom Menace, whether you like it or not. Therefore, the only theaters that show a large percentage of European films tend to be small art houses, since they miss the few big features from America that are worth watching and draw large crowds. This means that it is more difficult for European filmmakers to distribute their films: They have a restricted market, even in their own countries. This results in a starved film industry that can't compete on a technical level with American films. America not only exports its culture, it often force-feeds that culture to other countries in much the same way the French force-feed geese for pâté foie gras; one can believe that this is poetic justice. Regardless, it is a mistake to see the predominance of American film as proof that the French love American film. Sean Russell <srussell@n-link.net> Subject: France and American film Wow, they force French theaters to show 70 percent American product? That's even better than what the Germans managed to do when they occupied the country. There's only one way to explain that surprising statistic: You made it up. I know it's bad form to inject any actual knowledge into an argument made up of invented facts, but I was in Paris two days ago, and I can assure you that the movie houses were humming along quite nicely, with a fairly even mixture of American and British films and such homegrown fare as Kennedy et moi (a Jean-Pierre Bacri picture that, although labeled a comedy, features exactly one funny scene). The package deal that you say studios are forcing on foreign theater owners is, in fact, the same arrangement they have with domestic theater owners. If you've ever worked in a movie theater, you know that theater managers complain endlessly about having to screen duds in order to get the hits. Since theories about America's force-feeding its culture to foreigners conveniently neglect the agency of free will in human decision making, I don't suppose it has occurred to you that the exhibitors are always free to say no (or non) to these deals. Maybe, just maybe, the fact that they accept the studios' disadvantageous terms indicates that the studios have something they — and their audiences — really want. Bottom line: Hollywood's real crime is making movies that people want to see. Yr pal, Tim Valerie Harper's Index Greetings, What was the point of this mindless drivel? Truly this day's offering doth suck, yea even reeketh to the heaven. Daniel Corvino Trenton, NewJersey <DANCORV@aol.com> Sometimes it's funny when you take one thing and mix it with another incongruous thing. For example, you might write a critical letter to a trivial pop culture webzine, but lapse into faux King James Bible speak to drive your point home. Or you might mix Harper's Index with a former celebrity whose surname is Harper, like Valerie Harper. Of course, sometimes this kind of thing isn't funny at all. St. Huck St. Huck, Rhoda Morgenstern was a much more intriguing character when she was on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. I used to watch Rhoda and hope that the show would improve. It never did, so I stopped watching it. I'm curious: What sent you on a Valerie Harper tear? Have you spoken to a qualified professional about this apparent obsession? How much of what substance did you ingest before your scripted tirade appeared to you to be even interesting, much less funny? (Or was it more a case of neglecting to take your medication?) I usually get a good laugh from Suck to help me start my day. How unfortunate: Today I'll have to hope one of my friends sends me a good email attachment. Take heart, though, Huck; even Mark Twain had his bad days. Regards, JSJ <jjoriss@agribank.com> Thank your for your concern and sympathy. Here is what I was thinking. (Please note: This is an after-the-fact reconstruction of my thoughts, so it may not be entirely accurate. Also, it does take some liberties with the actual record of events for dramatic purposes.) (First, the backstory:) 1. There is this thing called Harper's Index. Harper's Index is a recurring feature of Harper's magazine; it is essentially a list of odd and oddly juxtaposed facts and statistics. 2. There is this thing called Valerie Harper. Valerie Harper is a 59-year-old actor who used to be a somewhat bigger celebrity than she now is. (Here's where my thinking really kicks in:) 3. One day, I thought, "Hey, maybe it would be funny if I did a Valerie Harper's Index — you know, something just like Harper's Index, except all the odd and oddly juxtaposed facts and statistics would be about Valerie Harper!" 4. Then I sat down with a bunch of old copies of Harper's. Fifteen minutes later, I had Valerie Harper's Index. 5. Next, I thought, "Hmm, this is kind of funny, maybe. I wonder if I could sell it anywhere." 6. Then I thought, "Would The New Yorker go for it? Maybe as a back-page thing?" Then I thought, "No. The New Yorker would just reject it, like it's rejected everything else I've ever sent it." (Note: I've actually only sent it one thing, but I think it reads more dramatically if it sounds like I've sent it lots of things.) 7. Then, I thought, "McSweeney's?" After all, the random lists at McSweeney's are what got me thinking about random lists in the first place. 8. Then, I thought, "No, McSweeney's rejects everything I send it too. Plus it doesn't even pay. Plus, even though I find McSweeney's a great source of inspiration, I don't think I really ever manage to simulate that ineffable McSweeney's absurdism in anything but the clumsiest, phoniest manner." 9. Then I thought, "Well, Tim was saying the other day that he doesn't think Suck has to publish a blustery, point-making essay every day, that it could, in fact, do more list-y, throwaway type things." 10. Then I thought, "Yeah, he says that because it will make his life as special guest editor easier, but do the people who really matter, the Suck readers, think that? Probably not. Probably they'd be bummed out if all they got that day was a one-joke throwaway list like Valerie Harper's Index. And then I'd get a bunch of tiresome email from people saying how much I suck, and then I'd have to answer it." 11. Then I thought, "Well, there are worse ways to make a living. I could be working for some company that makes CD-ROM directories of businesses on the Net or something. Or some company that offers farm credit services or whatever." 12. Then I submitted Valerie Harper's Index to Tim, and he decided to run it. Huck Valerie Harper is currently renting a Beverly Hills home next to my folks as she pursues her bi-coastal TV/Broadway career — and I must say that she rocks! (Previous neighbors include a prematurely cocaine addicted balding kid who, after his parents divorced, lived there with his step-brother and produced pornos while still in Beverly High and a Persian family who had painted the house Beverly Hills Hotel pink.) Compared to such freaks as the late Dean Martin who lived across the street (dad was quoted on a Star cover when he passed on), Val is the only "normal" star to grace our block. She has a teenage boy and is married to a former fitness trainer. The fact that she speaks to my mom about all sorts of nonsense is really sweet. I'll let Val know about today's very special Suck. And don't forget to check out her reunion with Mary in a very special made-for-TV movie coming this spring! <rob24@ earthlink.net> We had contemplated holding out for the Mary/Rhoda reunion movie to give the Valerie Harper's Index some timeliness, but since they keep pushing the date back, we decided to run with it. Nothing against Valerie Harper, but I can't believe you say she's a better neighbor than "a prematurely cocaine addicted balding kid, who after his parents divorced, lived there with his step-brother and produced pornos while still in Beverly High ..." St. Huck |
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