The Fish
for 24 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Informercial Oscars

Just want to let you know
that your Infomercial Oscars
sequence was completely
awesome.

I have personal cause to
appreciate it, because I work
for BuyItNow.com, where the
Body by Jake Ab Rocker and a
lot of other infomercial
items are sold over the
Internet. Every day I deal
with a million idiots who
order these stupid things and
constantly breathe down my
neck about their delivery.
These items are worthless,
and everyone in our company
knows it. We are stuck
retailing them, because the
company that distributes
them, E4L, owns 50 percent of
our company.

I put up with tons of
supervisor calls all the time
due to some no-integrity
profiteering shark of a
company that is completely
worthless when it comes to
fulfilling its orders.

So, I just wanted to let you
know your piece was very well
done and extremely accurate.

Name Withheld to Protect the
Libelous

And here I thought I might
have been TOO rough on the
poor old Infom — I mean,
the "electronic retailing"
industry! After all, I have
no moral objection to the way
these people make a buck or
to infomercials in general
(as long as I don't have to
WATCH them, that is). But
what you describe sounds like
just plain ol' bad business
practices. Someone call the
BBB!

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


You rock Peter.

I've been looking at the
latest boom in theme-park
development, and it is scary
stuff.

Check out John Hannigan's
Fantasy City for a good solid
description of the state of
things.

Yours,

Marc Tuters
<mtuters@hotmail.com>

Many native Las Vegasans
complain about how the Strip
has been completely taken
away from them, now that it's
totally dominated by all
these enormous casino/resort/
cities-unto-themselves.
Even though I went there to
cover the Infomercial story,
I came away thinking that
what's happening to Vegas
would make for an even
better story.

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Why are you soiling yourself
and your priceless reputation
contributing to a hack
journal like Suck.com? Is it
the cash? I'll make you
dinner and help you find a
place to live ... I know SF
is a little more difficult
than Seattle ... lemme know
what I can do.

All kidding aside ... I love
your work.

David
<dsv@inreach.com>

Kidding or not, the response
I got to this, my first
online feature ever,
certainly was no laughing
matter. Now I know where all
the people who used to read
comic books went —
they're browsing the Internet
all day!

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Peter,

That was Joe Matt in the Arm
Warbelizer 2000 panel wasn't
it?

Sincerely,

Gregori Somoff

<gsomoff.SF.BACHCROM@bachcrom.com>

Yes.

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Thank you, Pete, for making
me laugh so hard that I
nearly spit my coffee all
over the work I was (supposed
to be) doing. I'm a longtime
fan of Hate, and it was great
to see you do the Suck thing
this morning. I hope to see it
happen again!

Lisa Giordano
A girlfriend of Mike McPadden
not featured in "Yeah!"
<lisa_giordano@ghgroup.com>

No, thank you for goofing off
on the job! Where would Suck
be without people like you?!?

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


It's so nice to see that Suck now
has picked an appropriate
poster(izing) boy for its
low-banked, seething under
the surface, restrained
humor-disgust-rage from the
ranks of my generation's
favorite indie-rag gods.

Is this just a guest stint,
or will your remain to inject
Suck with the raw flavor of
Hate it (and us sucksters!)
needs and so justly deserves?
Or maybe I just missed the 50
other columns you've done in
my past two years of Web-tit-
riding.

Oh, did you happen to hear
any info on when I should be
watching the tube to get a
special uncut video/DVD of
the ERA awards? Perhaps with
my order of George Foreman's
Lean, Mean, Fat-reducing
Grilling Machine for myself
and a friend?

Anyway, thanks for cutting
out a trip to the comic shop
for me this week. :)

Trey Schultz
<treys@startinteractive .com>

I'll gladly do more for Suck
if they'll let me. As for a
video of the ERA awards, I
heard no mention of anyone
marketing it — but
believe me, if they did, you
wouldn't want to see it. This
thing was not "so bad it's
good." It was just bad — and
boring!

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

What's the Sucksters' opinion
on Luc Besson?

(Point of No Return, The
Fifth Element, The Messenger
)

s0crates
<s0crates@gateway.net>

Before the opinion, a
correction. Besson did not
make Point of No Return. This
film was a remake of his
Nikita (distributed in the
United States as La Femme
Nikita
to give it what the
French call a certain I don't
know what
).

The best thing Besson has
done is give wide exposure to
Jean Reno. Nikita was far
more interesting for its
absurd plot than for its
directing, which seemed to me
to steal all the vices of
big-caliber US action movies
and none of their virtues.
Notably, the only element of
the film that had any lasting
resonance was the character
of the cleaner, who showed up
in Pulp Fiction and Point of No
Return,
both times played by
Harvey Keitel in a
fascinating closed loop of
unoriginality.

My only reaction to The Fifth
Element
was a belief that if
Heaven is a place where
you're allowed to punch Chris
Tucker in the face for
eternity, then my pious life
will not have been in vain.
In a movie without any
redeeming qualities, he added
a crucial element of
intolerability.

I do think casting Milla
Jovovich as Joan of Arc was a
stroke of genius. But the
influence of Jeunet and Caro
has been much wider and more
salubrious, most recently in
the grossly underrated
Mystery Men. I can't see
Besson being very
influential, because all his
tricks seem to be cribbed
from other people.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Regarding the point you've
made about Tarzan maintaining
No. 1 film status in France,
I think it is important to
remember (or be made aware
of) the fact that the
American film industry does
strong-arm foreign theaters.

You may (or may not) be aware
of it, but similar to
Microsoft's "put Windows on
everything or we won't sell
you anything" deal with
computer hardware vendors,
the American film industry
has long forced foreign
theaters to show a certain
percentage of American
movies. That means that if a
theater wants to show any
American films, 70 percent of
the total number of films
shown must be American films.
I may not be accurately
representing that percentage,
but you can appreciate the
implications. If you want to
show The Matrix, you are also
committed to buying Eyes Wide
Shut, Celebrity,
and The
Phantom Menace,
whether you
like it or not. Therefore,
the only theaters that show a
large percentage of European
films tend to be small art
houses, since they miss the
few big features from America
that are worth watching and
draw large crowds. This means
that it is more difficult for
European filmmakers to
distribute their films: They
have a restricted market,
even in their own countries.
This results in a starved
film industry that can't
compete on a technical level
with American films.

America not only exports its
culture, it often force-feeds
that culture to other
countries in much the same
way the French force-feed
geese for pâté
foie gras; one can believe
that this is poetic justice.
Regardless, it is a mistake
to see the predominance of
American film as proof that
the French love American
film.

Sean Russell
<srussell@n-link.net>

Subject: France and American
film

Wow, they force French
theaters to show 70 percent
American product? That's even
better than what the Germans
managed to do when they
occupied the country. There's
only one way to explain that
surprising statistic: You
made it up. I know it's bad
form to inject any actual
knowledge into an argument
made up of invented facts,
but I was in Paris two days
ago, and I can assure you
that the movie houses were
humming along quite nicely,
with a fairly even mixture of
American and British films
and such homegrown fare as
Kennedy et moi (a Jean-Pierre
Bacri picture that, although
labeled a comedy, features
exactly one funny scene).

The package deal that you say
studios are forcing on
foreign theater owners is, in
fact, the same arrangement
they have with domestic
theater owners. If you've
ever worked in a movie
theater, you know that
theater managers complain
endlessly about having to
screen duds in order to get
the hits. Since theories
about America's force-feeding
its culture to foreigners
conveniently neglect the
agency of free will in human
decision making, I don't
suppose it has occurred to
you that the exhibitors are
always free to say no (or
non) to these deals. Maybe,
just maybe, the fact that
they accept the studios'
disadvantageous terms
indicates that the studios
have something they — and
their audiences — really
want. Bottom line:
Hollywood's real crime is
making movies that people
want to see.

Yr pal,

Tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Valerie Harper's Index

Greetings,

What was the point of this
mindless drivel? Truly this
day's offering doth suck, yea
even reeketh to the heaven.

Daniel Corvino
Trenton, NewJersey
<DANCORV@aol.com>

Sometimes it's funny when you
take one thing and mix it
with another incongruous
thing. For example, you might
write a critical letter to a
trivial pop culture webzine,
but lapse into faux King
James Bible speak to
drive your point home. Or you
might mix Harper's Index with
a former celebrity whose
surname is Harper, like
Valerie Harper.

Of course, sometimes this
kind of thing isn't funny at
all.

St. Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


St. Huck,

Rhoda Morgenstern was a much
more intriguing character
when she was on The Mary
Tyler Moore Show.
I used to
watch Rhoda and hope that the
show would improve. It never
did, so I stopped watching
it.

I'm curious: What sent you on
a Valerie Harper tear? Have
you spoken to a qualified
professional about this
apparent obsession? How much
of what substance did you
ingest before your scripted
tirade appeared to you to be
even interesting, much less
funny? (Or was it more a case
of neglecting to take your
medication?)

I usually get a good laugh
from Suck to help me start my
day. How unfortunate: Today
I'll have to hope one of my
friends sends me a good email
attachment. Take heart,
though, Huck; even Mark Twain
had his bad days.

Regards,

JSJ
<jjoriss@agribank.com>

Thank your for your concern
and sympathy.

Here is what I was thinking.
(Please note: This is an
after-the-fact reconstruction
of my thoughts, so it may not
be entirely accurate. Also,
it does take some liberties
with the actual record of
events for dramatic
purposes.)

(First, the backstory:)

1. There is this thing called
Harper's Index. Harper's
Index is a recurring feature
of Harper's magazine; it is
essentially a list of odd and
oddly juxtaposed facts and
statistics.

2. There is this thing called
Valerie Harper. Valerie
Harper is a 59-year-old actor
who used to be a somewhat
bigger celebrity than she now
is.

(Here's where my thinking
really kicks in:)

3. One day, I thought, "Hey,
maybe it would be funny if I
did a Valerie Harper's Index
— you know, something
just like Harper's Index,
except all the odd and oddly
juxtaposed facts and
statistics would be about
Valerie Harper!"

4. Then I sat down with a
bunch of old copies of
Harper's. Fifteen minutes
later, I had Valerie Harper's
Index.

5. Next, I thought, "Hmm,
this is kind of funny, maybe.
I wonder if I could sell it
anywhere."

6. Then I thought, "Would The
New Yorker
go for it? Maybe
as a back-page thing?" Then I
thought, "No. The New Yorker
would just reject it, like
it's rejected everything else
I've ever sent it." (Note:
I've actually only sent it
one thing, but I think it
reads more dramatically if it
sounds like I've sent it lots
of things.)

7. Then, I thought,
"McSweeney's?" After all, the
random lists at McSweeney's
are what got me thinking
about random lists in the
first place.

8. Then, I thought, "No,
McSweeney's rejects
everything I send it too.
Plus it doesn't even pay.
Plus, even though I find
McSweeney's a great source of
inspiration, I don't think I
really ever manage to
simulate that ineffable
McSweeney's absurdism in
anything but the clumsiest,
phoniest manner."

9. Then I thought, "Well, Tim
was saying the other day that
he doesn't think Suck has to
publish a blustery,
point-making essay every day,
that it could, in fact, do
more list-y, throwaway type
things."

10. Then I thought, "Yeah, he
says that because it will
make his life as special
guest editor easier, but do
the people who really matter,
the Suck readers, think that?
Probably not. Probably they'd
be bummed out if all they got
that day was a one-joke
throwaway list like Valerie
Harper's Index. And then I'd
get a bunch of tiresome email
from people saying how much I
suck, and then I'd have to
answer it."

11. Then I thought, "Well,
there are worse ways to make
a living. I could be working
for some company that makes
CD-ROM directories of
businesses on the Net or
something. Or some company
that offers farm credit
services or whatever."

12. Then I submitted
Valerie Harper's Index to
Tim, and he decided to run
it.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Valerie Harper is currently
renting a Beverly Hills home
next to my folks as she
pursues her bi-coastal
TV/Broadway career — and
I must say that she rocks!
(Previous neighbors include a
prematurely cocaine addicted
balding kid who, after his
parents divorced, lived there
with his step-brother and
produced pornos while still
in Beverly High and a Persian
family who had painted the
house Beverly Hills Hotel
pink.) Compared to such
freaks as the late Dean
Martin who lived across the
street (dad was quoted on a
Star cover when he passed
on), Val is the only "normal"
star to grace our block. She
has a teenage boy and is
married to a former fitness
trainer. The fact that she
speaks to my mom about all
sorts of nonsense is really
sweet. I'll let Val know
about today's very special
Suck.

And don't forget to check out
her reunion with Mary in a
very special made-for-TV
movie coming this spring!

<rob24@ earthlink.net>

We had contemplated holding
out for the Mary/Rhoda
reunion movie to give the
Valerie Harper's Index some
timeliness, but since they
keep pushing the date back,
we decided to run with it.

Nothing against Valerie
Harper, but I can't believe
you say she's a better
neighbor than "a prematurely
cocaine addicted balding kid,
who after his parents
divorced, lived there with
his step-brother and produced
pornos while still in Beverly
High ..."

St. Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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