for 21 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit & Run What's the Sucksters' opinion on Luc Besson? (Point of No Return, The Fifth Element, The Messenger) s0crates <s0crates@gateway.net> Before the opinion, a correction. Besson did not make Point of No Return. This film was a remake of his Nikita (distributed in the United States as La Femme Nikita to give it what the French call a certain I don't know what). The best thing Besson has done is give wide exposure to Jean Reno. Nikita was far more interesting for its absurd plot than for its directing, which seemed to me to steal all the vices of big-caliber US action movies and none of their virtues. Notably, the only element of the film that had any lasting resonance was the character of the cleaner, who showed up in Pulp Fiction and Point of No Return, both times played by Harvey Keitel in a fascinating closed loop of unoriginality. My only reaction to The Fifth Element was a belief that if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to punch Chris Tucker in the face for eternity, then my pious life will not have been in vain. In a movie without any redeeming qualities, he added a crucial element of intolerability. I do think casting Milla Jovovich as Joan of Arc was a stroke of genius. But the influence of Jeunet and Caro has been much wider and more salubrious, most recently in the grossly underrated Mystery Men. I can't see Besson being very influential, because all his tricks seem to be cribbed from other people. Yr pal, Tim  Regarding the point you've made about Tarzan maintaining No. 1 film status in France, I think it is important to remember (or be made aware of) the fact that the American film industry does strong-arm foreign theaters. You may (or may not) be aware of it, but similar to Microsoft's "put Windows on everything or we won't sell you anything" deal with computer hardware vendors, the American film industry has long forced foreign theaters to show a certain percentage of American movies. That means that if a theater wants to show any American films, 70 percent of the total number of films shown must be American films. I may not be accurately representing that percentage, but you can appreciate the implications. If you want to show The Matrix, you are also committed to buying Eyes Wide Shut, Celebrity, and The Phantom Menace, whether you like it or not. Therefore, the only theaters that show a large percentage of European films tend to be small art houses, since they miss the few big features from America that are worth watching and draw large crowds. This means that it is more difficult for European filmmakers to distribute their films: They have a restricted market, even in their own countries. This results in a starved film industry that can't compete on a technical level with American films. America not only exports its culture, it often force-feeds that culture to other countries in much the same way the French force-feed geese for pâté foie gras; one can believe that this is poetic justice. Regardless, it is a mistake to see the predominance of American film as proof that the French love American film. Sean Russell <srussell@n-link.net> Subject: France and American film Wow, they force French theaters to show 70 percent American product? That's even better than what the Germans managed to do when they occupied the country. There's only one way to explain that surprising statistic: You made it up. I know it's bad form to inject any actual knowledge into an argument made up of invented facts, but I was in Paris two days ago, and I can assure you that the movie houses were humming along quite nicely, with a fairly even mixture of American and British films and such homegrown fare as Kennedy et moi (a Jean-Pierre Bacri picture that, although labeled a comedy, features exactly one funny scene). The package deal that you say studios are forcing on foreign theater owners is, in fact, the same arrangement they have with domestic theater owners. If you've ever worked in a movie theater, you know that theater managers complain endlessly about having to screen duds in order to get the hits. Since theories about America's force-feeding its culture to foreigners conveniently neglect the agency of free will in human decision making, I don't suppose it has occurred to you that the exhibitors are always free to say no (or non) to these deals. Maybe, just maybe, the fact that they accept the studios' disadvantageous terms indicates that the studios have something they — and their audiences — really want. Bottom line: Hollywood's real crime is making movies that people want to see. Yr pal, Tim Valerie Harper's Index Greetings, What was the point of this mindless drivel? Truly this day's offering doth suck, yea even reeketh to the heaven. Daniel Corvino Trenton, NewJersey <DANCORV@aol.com> Sometimes it's funny when you take one thing and mix it with another incongruous thing. For example, you might write a critical letter to a trivial pop culture webzine, but lapse into faux King James Bible speak to drive your point home. Or you might mix Harper's Index with a former celebrity whose surname is Harper, like Valerie Harper. Of course, sometimes this kind of thing isn't funny at all. St. Huck St. Huck, Rhoda Morgenstern was a much more intriguing character when she was on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. I used to watch Rhoda and hope that the show would improve. It never did, so I stopped watching it. I'm curious: What sent you on a Valerie Harper tear? Have you spoken to a qualified professional about this apparent obsession? How much of what substance did you ingest before your scripted tirade appeared to you to be even interesting, much less funny? (Or was it more a case of neglecting to take your medication?) I usually get a good laugh from Suck to help me start my day. How unfortunate: Today I'll have to hope one of my friends sends me a good email attachment. Take heart, though, Huck; even Mark Twain had his bad days. Regards, JSJ <jjoriss@agribank.com> Thank your for your concern and sympathy. Here is what I was thinking. (Please note: This is an after-the-fact reconstruction of my thoughts, so it may not be entirely accurate. Also, it does take some liberties with the actual record of events for dramatic purposes.) (First, the backstory:) 1. There is this thing called Harper's Index. Harper's Index is a recurring feature of Harper's magazine; it is essentially a list of odd and oddly juxtaposed facts and statistics. 2. There is this thing called Valerie Harper. Valerie Harper is a 59-year-old actor who used to be a somewhat bigger celebrity than she now is. (Here's where my thinking really kicks in:) 3. One day, I thought, "Hey, maybe it would be funny if I did a Valerie Harper's Index — you know, something just like Harper's Index, except all the odd and oddly juxtaposed facts and statistics would be about Valerie Harper!" 4. Then I sat down with a bunch of old copies of Harper's. Fifteen minutes later, I had Valerie Harper's Index. 5. Next, I thought, "Hmm, this is kind of funny, maybe. I wonder if I could sell it anywhere." 6. Then I thought, "Would The New Yorker go for it? Maybe as a back-page thing?" Then I thought, "No. The New Yorker would just reject it, like it's rejected everything else I've ever sent it." (Note: I've actually only sent it one thing, but I think it reads more dramatically if it sounds like I've sent it lots of things.) 7. Then, I thought, "McSweeney's?" After all, the random lists at McSweeney's are what got me thinking about random lists in the first place. 8. Then, I thought, "No, McSweeney's rejects everything I send it too. Plus it doesn't even pay. Plus, even though I find McSweeney's a great source of inspiration, I don't think I really ever manage to simulate that ineffable McSweeney's absurdism in anything but the clumsiest, phoniest manner." 9. Then I thought, "Well, Tim was saying the other day that he doesn't think Suck has to publish a blustery, point-making essay every day, that it could, in fact, do more list-y, throwaway type things." 10. Then I thought, "Yeah, he says that because it will make his life as special guest editor easier, but do the people who really matter, the Suck readers, think that? Probably not. Probably they'd be bummed out if all they got that day was a one-joke throwaway list like Valerie Harper's Index. And then I'd get a bunch of tiresome email from people saying how much I suck, and then I'd have to answer it." 11. Then I thought, "Well, there are worse ways to make a living. I could be working for some company that makes CD-ROM directories of businesses on the Net or something. Or some company that offers farm credit services or whatever." 12. Then I submitted Valerie Harper's Index to Tim, and he decided to run it. Huck Valerie Harper is currently renting a Beverly Hills home next to my folks as she pursues her bi-coastal TV/Broadway career — and I must say that she rocks! (Previous neighbors include a prematurely cocaine addicted balding kid who, after his parents divorced, lived there with his step-brother and produced pornos while still in Beverly High and a Persian family who had painted the house Beverly Hills Hotel pink.) Compared to such freaks as the late Dean Martin who lived across the street (dad was quoted on a Star cover when he passed on), Val is the only "normal" star to grace our block. She has a teenage boy and is married to a former fitness trainer. The fact that she speaks to my mom about all sorts of nonsense is really sweet. I'll let Val know about today's very special Suck. And don't forget to check out her reunion with Mary in a very special made-for-TV movie coming this spring! <rob24@ earthlink.net> We had contemplated holding out for the Mary/Rhoda reunion movie to give the Valerie Harper's Index some timeliness, but since they keep pushing the date back, we decided to run with it. Nothing against Valerie Harper, but I can't believe you say she's a better neighbor than "a prematurely cocaine addicted balding kid, who after his parents divorced, lived there with his step-brother and produced pornos while still in Beverly High ..." St. Huck Hit & Run Hey, Sucksters, I emailed that guy Fumento about one of his articles. I can see why he posts the letters he does. Smart ones from people who can spell piss him off. He said I was worse than a "bleeding-heart lib." Can you really abbreviate that? Chris McCall <chris.mccall@ nbc.com> The secret to any good hate mail page is to weed out all signs of intelligence and good spelling. That's something we never have to do for our own Fish page, as the participants tend to be self-selecting. Yr pal, Tim Hey guys, I am writing in for the first time to you and want to say how much I enjoy the site. Thus said, I ventured into the hate mail site you listed and read a little. It quickly reminded me of a similar, although much more humorous site located at http://www.thethirdrail.com/. If you want to investigate, check into the archives (not sure if this is there) or ask them if you can see the mail they used to get (and their responses) about their anti-Hootie site. I read it at work and laughed much too loud for doing such an illicit, immoral act. Dennis Schulte <dschulte@inet.ed.gov> Thanks. Somehow Fumento's hate mail seemed to have an edge of direness that made it especially memorable. Yr pal, Tim Just a short, virtually meaningless complaint: "The least the 20th century deserves is a spirited John Williams score...." I just want to voice my slight disdain for this "composer." As an avid classical music listener, I feel an obligation to point out that many of John Williams' scores are copies of great works by music's best composers, such as Holst and Mussorgsky (much of Williams' Star Wars score was borrowed from Holst and his Olympic songs from modest Mussorgsky). While Kenny G.'s music may (pardon my rudeness) blow, at least he has written and performed pieces that he has acknowledged to be variations of someone else's work. If you want an excellent 20th century American composer, I would recommend Aaron Copland; at least he recognized that his famous Appalachian Spring was a variation on an old Shaker hymn. If you are looking for a live composer, you are out of luck, because all the good ones are dead. OK, I think I'm done trashing John Williams now. Sincerely, Erich Theiss <etheiss@umich.edu> No good living composers? Two words, Erich: Liverpool Oratorio. Yr pal, Tim Consider yourself lucky that you got to watch an Emmanuelle Beart vehicle on your Air France flight. My in-flight movie was Asterix, a Gerard Depardieu vehicle. Supposedly this was France's attempt to make a big, expensive, Hollywood-style movie. Phew! They also had some sort of Tom & Jerry–style cartoon, which stunk. The meal was OK, though. They don't charge extra for the champagne, even in coach, which makes them more civilized than the US airlines, at least in this respect. Eric Ritter There truly are not enough words in any language to describe how terrible that Asterix movie is. All this time I was feeling sorry for the frogs because they could never make anything as cool as Reservoir Dogs, and here it turns out they can't even make something as cool as A Kid in Aladdin's Court. You're right about the meal, though. Best I've had on an airplane. Yr pal, Tim Dear Sucksters, Day after day I read your site. Some days, it's good ... and somedays it's great. Some days I agree ... and some days I disagree, but always I'm amused and sometimes amazed at your twists and turns in arriving at the point. To me, stirring up the proverbial pot provides the bubbling energy and interest in matters that might otherwise go unnoticed. That's a very good thing for those living in this aging republic. I suspect Patrick Henry and Samuel Adams could have used some of your urbane wit and breadth of knowledge back in their days, but it's better for me that you're here now. I applaud the variety of topics you tackle, and the breadth of knowledge you demonstrate (not to mention a savvy understanding of international cinema to boot). For this expatriot child of humble Iowa, you provide more than a smile on my face but demonstrate that there is room in this world for people with open eyes too. Keep on Suckin' , Andrew West Rochester, Michigan <andreww7@hotmail.com> I think if Patrick Henry and Samuel Adams had had our urbane wit, the American Revolution would have been an abysmal failure, and right now we'd be speaking, um, English. But thanks for your kind words. Bubbling with energy, the Sucksters Aliens was the best sequel, hands down. And just to correct your mistake, it was Jeunet who directed Alien: Resurrection, not Caro. Caro is Jeunet's screenwriter, and he's the one who added the palpable sense of insanity in Delicatessen and The City of Lost Children. That sense is gone in A: R. Jeunet is a gifted director, but give him a horrible story, and it still makes a sucky film. (Ripley, clone my hairy ass. I never saw someone dunk so badly.) Frank Pelletier <fpelletier@hermes.usherb.ca> You are correct about Jeunet, and I sincerely regret the error. However, that does not change the fact that James Cameron's Aliens is a beached walrus of a film, which robs the alien of its coolest feature: its invincibility. Once you can kill the alien with a gun, what's the point of going on living? Add to this the fact that the movie gave an early career boost to Paul Reiser, and I think any fair-minded person would agree that all prints of this film should be burned. Jeunet at least tried to take the feeble and arthritic Alien series in an interesting new direction by effectively making the alien the hero. He failed only because he was unable to overcome the crushing literal-mindedness of the genre. Yr pal, Tim Jean-Pierre Jeunet, not Marc Caro, directed Alien: Resurrection. Caro was credited as design supervisor, and that echoes independent reports that Jeunet was more responsible for the actors in their earlier works. Incidentally, while I haven't seen it yet, France's entry in the Oscar stakes this year is Régis Wargnier's Est-ouest. I'll certainly grant your premise; there's been nothing near as exciting as Lola rennt (Run, Lola, Run) or Mononoke Hime (Princess Mononoke) — or even Being John Malkovich — from France lately. Jon Reeves <jreeves@imdb.com> Correction noted. And we wish Wargnier the very best of luck in his effort to make Oscar say, "Oo-la-la!" the Sucksters hey, keep slagging the frenchies for me! i'm the only american in my office, and it's my patriotic duty to introduce them to some sucky humor. HEE HEE!!!! also, the xmas stress busters where polly sits and says "motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker" was quite funny. ok, so maybe i'm a degenerate bastard, but i still find fuck words in print hilarious. don't post my name if you print this shit, s'il vous plait. Patrick Campbell <patrick.campbell@free.fr> You'd better buck up there, Patrick. You're representing your country overseas. Make us all proud! the Sucksters |
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