for 13 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Shill Life Destiny: Uh huh, clever and, finally, trivial when you figure that the diatribe that shows up in Suck is owned by Wired is owned by Condé Nast, which knows a thing or two about shilling: Do you think it's worried? Sympathetically, a former Condé Nast employee A former Condé Nast employee who doesn't do his homework. Suck has never been owned by Condé Nast. Do you think we'd be bothering with these pestering emails if we had Newhouse bucks to keep us amused? Yr pal, Tim Editor, Suck  "The brilliantly counterrevolutionary Monkees TV series ..." Was this statement serious or not? You didn't seem to have phrased it sarcastically, but it sounds like there's no way a statement like that could be serious. That's an honest question. I wouldn't know, I was born in the '80s and my memories of the Monkees TV show is limited to one single freeze frame from what, as far as I can tell, was the only episode I ever watched. (I must've been about 4. And I only watched about three minutes of it. I think.) (I seem to remember it being pretty stupid.) (For some TOTALLY unknown reason, I still remember what the theme song sounds like.) Anyway, one unintended side-product of creating products for the sole purpose of marketing is that you accidentally slap a time limit on whatever product you're selling. For example, the Mario Bros./Legend of Zelda cereal (they actually put two separate bags in the same box; one for each cereal) they sold in the late '80s actually tasted really good. But eventually, when Mario Bros. 2/Legend of Zelda 2 faded from view as the games themselves became older and older, the cereal, of course, faded along with it, despite the fact the cereal itself could have stood up perfectly well on its own. I'd say some more on this subject, but quite frankly, it's all a massive blur in my mind, along with everything else about the '80s. I think back and all I see is a massive soup of meaningless, conflicting images. Nintendo. Garfield the cat. Some TV show called Captain Nintendo, of which you were never, ever able to figure out the plot, no matter how much you watched it. (I now realize there was no plot, but at the time I wondered if the show was supposed to make some kind of sense.) Another TV show called Yo Yogi, which was, apparently, the Yogi bear cartoons relocated in, god knows why, a mall (I still wonder if that really was a Saturday morning cartoon, or if I just hallucinated that one). Big Bird. Apple IIc games. Pee-wee Herman. Kriss Kross. Nickelodeon. Zillions magazine (whatever that was). Weird Al Yankovich. A dull, distant awareness of the existence of Ronald Regan. And, of course, the dizzying, never-ending melodrama of the constantly shifting cereal aisle at Randalls and the commercials that provided the accompanying dialog. I'm sure this email makes no sense, but neither did the '80s from the viewpoint of a small child. And I suspect that's largely the fault of the advertising agencies. You should have realized Western culture was totally dead the instant you found out they actually sold a record called A Star Wars Christmas. Andrew McClure <mcclure111@earthlink.net> OK, we're used to twentysomethings reminiscing about '70s cartoons and TV shows and games. But teenagers reminiscing about the '80s? Aren't you a little young to be reminiscing, little boy? Hey 19, that's the Gipper! He don't remember king of the soulless! But anyway, are you related to Ian McClure, the guy on those instructional videos on The Simpsons? Just wondering, the Sucksters Subject: Christ, that was long. I didn't finish. Sorry, I usually do. David Marino-Nachison <DavidM@ fool.com> Yeah, yeah. That's what they all say. It's OK, man. It's perfectly normal not to finish. Your supportively worded and informative brochure, "It's Perfectly Normal Not to Finish," is in the mail! the Sucksters Destination Unknown wow, that feed article on mst3k was pretty vicious. pointless, too. i thought about writing him initially but figured he already got mad, hard-core flames about it already and is probably therefore a lost cause in terms of discussion. just curious, do you agree with that stance? it's so unusual! i thought everyone was keen on mst3k. you have to wonder what kind of weirdo finds it offensive. it's so obviously good-hearted. i should actually go back and write some pseudointelligent flame message about his pretentiousness. fun party! "i am jack's complete lack of surprise" <kitatwork@cheerful.com> Writing a pseudointelligent flame message sounds like a really good idea! Try sending it to the person who wrote the article, and remember to send it to the appropriate Web magazine in which the article appeared. We are Feed's rude, unkempt, distant cousin, the Sucksters It's a total drag that you don't support Macintosh. That's why I have unsubscribed. Carl Kravetz <jefe@ckideas.com> I am Suck's special guest editor, and I read it on a Macintosh every day. And enjoy it thoroughly. Perhaps your problem lies not in our HTML, but in your own hard heart. Did you guys see that Ramsey Electronics got attacked by the Feds for selling kids kits to make FM microphones? They raided and took all his stock, said he was helping terrorists — well, maybe he could. Even Radio Shack has these mikes, so there is a hell of a story here about customs agents wanting to look good for Y2K and looking like fools. TheseusRex <TheseusRex@compuserve.com> We wanted to look good for Y2K, too, but instead we got the flu and couldn't even choke down a glass of champagne. Did anyone notice how they cleared Times Square by 12:30 a.m. after New Year's Eve? How did they evacuate 2 million people in a half hour? Do they have huge leaf blowers that blow thousands of people out of the way, effortlessly? We want one of those. the Sucksters How long are we going to have to look at those fucking ATM emails? It was annoying enough to watch Suck drift off into Cal Thomas–esque rants (what's next, a defense of the eToys injunction against etoy? Support for the DVD lawsuit against 2600?) in the first place, but apparently this incisive new editorial voice must be reinforced by the infinite presence of those letters. Updated daily? Did I miss something? Musolino <subject@inch.com> 10009 Wow. If we knew how precariously your swings from mania to depression leaned upon our daily updates, we would take our duties more seriously. We will work harder! We promise! In the meantime: lithium, it's not just for breakfast, lunch, and dinner anymore! the Sucksters |
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