The Fish
for 13 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Shill Life

Destiny:

Uh huh, clever and, finally,
trivial when you figure that
the diatribe that shows up in
Suck is owned by Wired is
owned by Condé Nast, which
knows a thing or two about
shilling: Do you think it's
worried?

Sympathetically,

a former Condé Nast employee

A former Condé Nast employee
who doesn't do his homework.
Suck has never been owned by
Condé Nast. Do you think we'd
be bothering with these
pestering emails if we had
Newhouse bucks to keep us
amused?

Yr pal,

Tim
Editor, Suck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"The brilliantly
counterrevolutionary Monkees
TV series ..."

Was this statement serious or
not? You didn't seem to have
phrased it sarcastically, but
it sounds like there's no way
a statement like that could
be serious. That's an honest
question. I wouldn't know, I
was born in the '80s and my
memories of the Monkees TV
show is limited to one single
freeze frame from what, as
far as I can tell, was the
only episode I ever watched.
(I must've been about 4.
And I only watched about
three minutes of it. I
think.) (I seem to remember
it being pretty stupid.) (For
some TOTALLY unknown
reason, I still remember
what the theme song
sounds like.)

Anyway, one unintended
side-product of creating
products for the sole purpose
of marketing is that you
accidentally slap a time
limit on whatever product
you're selling. For example,
the Mario Bros./Legend of
Zelda cereal (they actually
put two separate bags in the
same box; one for each
cereal) they sold in the
late '80s actually tasted
really good. But eventually,
when Mario Bros. 2/Legend of
Zelda 2 faded from view as
the games themselves became
older and older, the cereal,
of course, faded along with
it, despite the fact the
cereal itself could have
stood up perfectly well on
its own. I'd say some more on
this subject, but quite
frankly, it's all a massive
blur in my mind, along with
everything else about the
'80s. I think back and all I
see is a massive soup of
meaningless, conflicting
images. Nintendo. Garfield
the cat. Some TV show called
Captain Nintendo, of which
you were never, ever able to
figure out the plot, no
matter how much you watched
it. (I now realize there was
no plot, but at the time I
wondered if the show was
supposed to make some kind of
sense.) Another TV show
called Yo Yogi, which was,
apparently, the Yogi bear
cartoons relocated in, god
knows why, a mall (I still
wonder if that really was a
Saturday morning cartoon, or
if I just hallucinated that
one). Big Bird. Apple IIc
games. Pee-wee Herman. Kriss
Kross. Nickelodeon. Zillions
magazine (whatever that was).
Weird Al Yankovich. A dull,
distant awareness of the
existence of Ronald Regan.
And, of course, the dizzying,
never-ending melodrama of the
constantly shifting cereal
aisle at Randalls and the
commercials that provided the
accompanying dialog. I'm sure
this email makes no sense,
but neither did the '80s from
the viewpoint of a small
child. And I suspect that's
largely the fault of the
advertising agencies.

You should have realized
Western culture was totally
dead the instant you found
out they actually sold a
record called A Star Wars
Christmas.

Andrew McClure
<mcclure111@earthlink.net>

OK, we're used to
twentysomethings reminiscing
about '70s cartoons and TV
shows and games. But
teenagers reminiscing about
the '80s? Aren't you a little
young to be reminiscing,
little boy?

Hey 19, that's the Gipper! He
don't remember king of the
soulless!

But anyway, are you related
to Ian McClure, the guy on
those instructional videos on
The Simpsons?

Just wondering,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Christ, that was
long.

I didn't finish. Sorry, I
usually do.

David Marino-Nachison
<DavidM@ fool.com>

Yeah, yeah. That's what they
all say.

It's OK, man. It's perfectly
normal not to finish. Your
supportively worded and
informative brochure, "It's
Perfectly Normal Not to
Finish," is in the mail!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Destination Unknown

wow, that feed article on
mst3k was pretty vicious.
pointless, too. i thought
about writing him initially
but figured he already got
mad, hard-core flames about
it already and is probably
therefore a lost cause in
terms of discussion. just
curious, do you agree with
that stance? it's so unusual!
i thought everyone was keen
on mst3k. you have to wonder
what kind of weirdo finds it
offensive. it's so obviously
good-hearted. i should
actually go back and write
some pseudointelligent flame
message about his
pretentiousness.

fun party!

"i am jack's complete lack of
surprise"
<kitatwork@cheerful.com>

Writing a pseudointelligent
flame message sounds like a
really good idea! Try sending
it to the person who wrote
the article, and remember to
send it to the appropriate
Web magazine in which the
article appeared.

We are Feed's rude, unkempt,
distant cousin,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


It's a total drag that you
don't support Macintosh.

That's why I have
unsubscribed.

Carl Kravetz
<jefe@ckideas.com>

I am Suck's special guest
editor, and I read it on a
Macintosh every day. And
enjoy it thoroughly. Perhaps
your problem lies not in our
HTML, but in your own hard
heart.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Did you guys see that Ramsey
Electronics got attacked by
the Feds for selling kids
kits to make FM microphones?

They raided and took all his
stock, said he was helping
terrorists — well, maybe
he could.

Even Radio Shack has these
mikes, so there is a hell of a
story here about customs
agents wanting to look good
for Y2K and looking like
fools.

TheseusRex
<TheseusRex@compuserve.com>

We wanted to look good for
Y2K, too, but instead we got
the flu and couldn't even
choke down a glass of
champagne.

Did anyone notice how they
cleared Times Square by 12:30
a.m. after New Year's Eve?
How did they evacuate 2
million people in a half
hour? Do they have huge leaf
blowers that blow thousands
of people out of the way,
effortlessly?

We want one of those.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


How long are we going to have
to look at those fucking ATM
emails? It was annoying
enough to watch Suck drift
off into Cal Thomas–esque
rants (what's next, a defense
of the eToys injunction
against etoy? Support for the
DVD lawsuit against 2600?) in
the first place, but
apparently this incisive new
editorial voice must be
reinforced by the infinite
presence of those letters.
Updated daily? Did I miss
something?

Musolino
<subject@inch.com>
10009

Wow. If we knew how
precariously your swings from
mania to depression leaned
upon our daily updates, we
would take our duties more
seriously.

We will work harder! We
promise! In the meantime:
lithium, it's not just for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner
anymore!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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