The Fish
for 11 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

The Suck 1000

On your Web site there is an
article called "Suck 1000."
There is a typo, I believe.
The sentence is as follows:

"Since we consider the 20th
century to be, without a
doubt, the most exciting
century of the last 100
years, ..."

I believe the "100" should
really be 1,000.

Kristin Beck

It's a joke, dummy.
Fish With Letter Icon

Rumor Time



Heidi Black

We can neither confirm nor
deny this rumor.

So we'll have to print it

Irresponsibly yours,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

I am so sick of everything.
And I do mean everything. Why
read anything? Why watch
anything on TV? What's new
and interesting? What's old
and interesting? I read "A
Supposedly Fun Thing I'll
Never Do Again" about two
years ago and I haven't read
anything funny since. That
David Foster Wallace is
really great with the
nonfiction. But now all he
wants to do is write
fictional fantasy shit that's
either endless or pointless.
Why can't he write more

On that note, why won't
anyone do what I say? Why
doesn't anyone follow my
whims, supply according to my
demands? I never trust
anything on your Shit list,
frankly. Why would I run out
and buy a CD on faith, based
on your recommendation?
That's just stupid. But how
else will I find out about
the truly spectacular
consumer items that I should
purchase immediately? I mean,
I have no friends. As if that
bears mentioning, after this

Help me out, motherfuckers.
You're my only hope.



We can't tell you about
anything new and interesting,
but there is one old
interesting thing that, if
you haven't seen it, will
really thrill you. It's
called Jesco the Dancing
It's a video, a
documentary, about this guy
in West Virginia who dances,
thinks he's Elvis, and, most
important, says things like,
"I don't want no wardo warin'
my sunglasses." It sounds
weak, but trust us on this
one. Yes, people have known
about Jesco for years. He
appeared on Roseanne, for
chrissakes. But if you
yourself haven't seen the
original Jesco video, you are
in for a real treat.

Here's the crazy thing,
Boogiebear. After searching
for several months for a copy
of this gem, we finally
called West Virginia Public
Television (or maybe it's
Virginia Public Television
...) and they said there are
a mere six copies of Jesco
left (the original — don't
buy the second one, it's not
remotely as good). We bought
two copies, planning on
sending one to our friend
Steve (the guy you should be
dating), leaving just four
copies left for purchase!
They're expensive, US$39 plus
shipping, but Boogiebear, you
won't regret it. Just call
(800) 672 9672 and order your
copy today.

No, we have no stake in this
matter. We only want hopeless
pathetic Suck readers like
yourself to snatch up the
last four copies, thereby
injecting a little joy in
your otherwise bleak lives.

Also wishing Mr. Wallace
would write more essays about
his bleak life and less
rambling fictional inmate

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

The Suck 1000 Tarot Deck

I run one of the world's
largest Web resource sites on
tarot and related stuff, and
I want to tell you, I think
your Suck tarot is hilarious!
I love it. You should do the
entire 22 cards of the Major
Arcana. I wish this was going
to be permanently displayed
on your site, because I would
dearly love to link to it
from the tarot humor section
of my page. It is well worth
pointing people to, and I
know a LOT of people who
would enjoy seeing it but
wouldn't get to it until
later on.

Please consider making this a
permanent exhibit. =)

Thanks for a truly wonderful
work of humor.

Rev. Gina M. Pace
Wicce's Tarot Collection

It's your lucky day! The Suck
1000 Tarot Deck will be
available indefinitely at no
additional cost to you. It is
archived at the following

We hope you will provide a
link for your readers, so
everyone can take advantage
of the savings!
Fish With Letter Icon

The Suck 1000 Comic Strip

I enjoyed the 1000 Comics
article. I know that you,
like me, feel the pain and
the gaping void in your
hearts and souls that comes
with Charles Schulz's
retirement. What, as a
society, will we do without
the daily, lovable (and
humanly fallible) antics of
the Peanuts gang? Of course,
Berke Breathed never got this
type of fanfare. Nor did that
beautiful genius/prima donna
Bill Watterson. But that
leaves the Big Question: What
is the fate of comics in the
new millennium?

Well, the new millennium (as
I write this email) is a few
hours away. In fact, it's
already hit in Japan, and I'm
still here, so that's good.
(But as we know, nothing
significant can happen in the
world until it happens in New
York City.) Well, sure, you
can read Dilbert and Doonesbury.
Sometimes Non Sequitur is
good for a chuckle. You've
even got your very own
beloved Terry Colon. The
Onion can make you laugh.
Life in Hell is funnier in
reprint. That guy from Brown
University who coined the
phrase "politically correct"
probably does something,
somewhere in the world. But
the point is this: Other than
a few guerilla cartoonists
(more and more on the Net and
fewer in print), the state of
comics today is uncertain,
and the future looks bleak.

Even Newsweek came out and
had an exposé on the
death of irony. I found its
article ironic. Newsweek
makes me laugh, but for
all the wrong reasons.

Basically, it's up to you,
Suck. You kids pay the Bay
Area rent prices so that I
can live free and chuckle as
my company runs out of VC
funding. You guys put the "I"
back into "prurient." I feel
included in something bigger
than myself, and it's not the
haunting memory of Andre the
Giant. It's the flame of
satire that burns bright in
my black little heart. Carry
that flame, Sucksters. Get on
with your bad selves.

BTW: Wouldn't Taft have been
a better cartoon name than
Polk? If you're going
strictly on fat presidents
here, William H. Taft did get
stuck in the bathtub.

Yers troolie,

Muddith J. Spaceboy
homeboy emeritus

Ah, the future always looks
bleak. So what? Just keep
eating Cap'n Crunch
Crunchberries every morning
and you'll make it through.
Some stuff is funny, some
stuff isn't, regardless of
timing or irony or any of
that shit. Sure, we're
destined to be the Henny
Youngmans of the '90s, just
as we (ironically?) announced
on the day of Henny's death.
Unplanned, unfortunate, and
very strange. An omen? Who
cares? The only reason you
read crap on the death of
irony is because some dude
was assigned a "trend piece"
and couldn't think of a
single fucking thing to

Believe us. We should know.

Just as desperate and even
less ironic,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

I love the page, guys! The
Christmas special was
4jg9p04$$)jufse04, um, sorry,
droolin' on the keyboard. It
was awesome.

One quibble: How can you
throw out Garfield?!!!! OK,
JD has made the eyes an eenie
bit too big, like I put a few
too many exclamation marks
after that sentence. But he
is a great character and
should not have his name

For once when writing an
email I have no quibbles
about the design of the site!
Huzzah! HOwever, still check
when you have the time to see
the best designed site I've
seen — ever.



Your defense of Garfield is
ironic, right?



Here's hoping,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Fully Committed, Becky Mode, the Cherry Lane Theater, New York, New York
Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne, Del Rey, 1997
Chow Yun Fat's haircut in Anna and the King
A Comment on Mini-skirts, Thornton Dial
"Leonardo's Grave," Ian Jacks, Granta #67
The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried, directed by Adrian Hoven, 1971
The annual reappearance of cheap clementines in bodegas
The New Meaning of Treason, Rebecca West, Penguin Books, 1985
Five-Card Nancy (a card game played with individual panels of Ernie Bushmiller's comic strip)
The Birthday Party Live 1981-82, Four A.D., 1999
Black Sessions 10/22/98, Belle & Sebastian , (unreleased)
San Lorenzo's Blues, Nuzzle, Troubleman Unlimited, 1999
The Story of Time, exhibition in the National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, England
Back of the Big House: The Architecture of Plantation Slavery, John Michael Vlach, University of North Carolina Press, 1993

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