for 11 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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The Suck 1000 On your Web site there is an article called "Suck 1000." There is a typo, I believe. The sentence is as follows: "Since we consider the 20th century to be, without a doubt, the most exciting century of the last 100 years, ..." I believe the "100" should really be 1,000. Kristin Beck <kbeck62@hotmail.com> It's a joke, dummy.  Rumor Time Subject: MARTIN - CO-STAR IS IT TRUE THAT TICHINA ARNOLD COMMITTED SUICIDE? Heidi Black <hmblack@cooper-energy-services.com> We can neither confirm nor deny this rumor. So we'll have to print it instead. Irresponsibly yours, the Sucksters Dear Sucksters, I am so sick of everything. And I do mean everything. Why read anything? Why watch anything on TV? What's new and interesting? What's old and interesting? I read "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again" about two years ago and I haven't read anything funny since. That David Foster Wallace is really great with the nonfiction. But now all he wants to do is write fictional fantasy shit that's either endless or pointless. Why can't he write more essays? On that note, why won't anyone do what I say? Why doesn't anyone follow my whims, supply according to my demands? I never trust anything on your Shit list, frankly. Why would I run out and buy a CD on faith, based on your recommendation? That's just stupid. But how else will I find out about the truly spectacular consumer items that I should purchase immediately? I mean, I have no friends. As if that bears mentioning, after this letter. Help me out, motherfuckers. You're my only hope. <boogiebear@hotmail.com> Boogiebear, We can't tell you about anything new and interesting, but there is one old interesting thing that, if you haven't seen it, will really thrill you. It's called Jesco the Dancing Outlaw. It's a video, a documentary, about this guy in West Virginia who dances, thinks he's Elvis, and, most important, says things like, "I don't want no wardo warin' my sunglasses." It sounds weak, but trust us on this one. Yes, people have known about Jesco for years. He appeared on Roseanne, for chrissakes. But if you yourself haven't seen the original Jesco video, you are in for a real treat. Here's the crazy thing, Boogiebear. After searching for several months for a copy of this gem, we finally called West Virginia Public Television (or maybe it's Virginia Public Television ...) and they said there are a mere six copies of Jesco left (the original — don't buy the second one, it's not remotely as good). We bought two copies, planning on sending one to our friend Steve (the guy you should be dating), leaving just four copies left for purchase! They're expensive, US$39 plus shipping, but Boogiebear, you won't regret it. Just call (800) 672 9672 and order your copy today. No, we have no stake in this matter. We only want hopeless pathetic Suck readers like yourself to snatch up the last four copies, thereby injecting a little joy in your otherwise bleak lives. Also wishing Mr. Wallace would write more essays about his bleak life and less rambling fictional inmate confessionals, the Sucksters The Suck 1000 Tarot Deck I run one of the world's largest Web resource sites on tarot and related stuff, and I want to tell you, I think your Suck tarot is hilarious! I love it. You should do the entire 22 cards of the Major Arcana. I wish this was going to be permanently displayed on your site, because I would dearly love to link to it from the tarot humor section of my page. It is well worth pointing people to, and I know a LOT of people who would enjoy seeing it but wouldn't get to it until later on. Please consider making this a permanent exhibit. =) Thanks for a truly wonderful work of humor. Rev. Gina M. Pace Wicce's Tarot Collection <wicce@ncx.com> It's your lucky day! The Suck 1000 Tarot Deck will be available indefinitely at no additional cost to you. It is archived at the following address: http://www.suck.com/daily/99/12/30/ We hope you will provide a link for your readers, so everyone can take advantage of the savings!
The Suck 1000 Comic Strip I enjoyed the 1000 Comics article. I know that you, like me, feel the pain and the gaping void in your hearts and souls that comes with Charles Schulz's retirement. What, as a society, will we do without the daily, lovable (and humanly fallible) antics of the Peanuts gang? Of course, Berke Breathed never got this type of fanfare. Nor did that beautiful genius/prima donna Bill Watterson. But that leaves the Big Question: What is the fate of comics in the new millennium? Well, the new millennium (as I write this email) is a few hours away. In fact, it's already hit in Japan, and I'm still here, so that's good. (But as we know, nothing significant can happen in the world until it happens in New York City.) Well, sure, you can read Dilbert and Doonesbury. Sometimes Non Sequitur is good for a chuckle. You've even got your very own beloved Terry Colon. The Onion can make you laugh. Life in Hell is funnier in reprint. That guy from Brown University who coined the phrase "politically correct" probably does something, somewhere in the world. But the point is this: Other than a few guerilla cartoonists (more and more on the Net and fewer in print), the state of comics today is uncertain, and the future looks bleak. Even Newsweek came out and had an exposé on the death of irony. I found its article ironic. Newsweek makes me laugh, but for all the wrong reasons. Basically, it's up to you, Suck. You kids pay the Bay Area rent prices so that I can live free and chuckle as my company runs out of VC funding. You guys put the "I" back into "prurient." I feel included in something bigger than myself, and it's not the haunting memory of Andre the Giant. It's the flame of satire that burns bright in my black little heart. Carry that flame, Sucksters. Get on with your bad selves. BTW: Wouldn't Taft have been a better cartoon name than Polk? If you're going strictly on fat presidents here, William H. Taft did get stuck in the bathtub. Yers troolie, Muddith J. Spaceboy homeboy emeritus Ah, the future always looks bleak. So what? Just keep eating Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries every morning and you'll make it through. Some stuff is funny, some stuff isn't, regardless of timing or irony or any of that shit. Sure, we're destined to be the Henny Youngmans of the '90s, just as we (ironically?) announced on the day of Henny's death. Unplanned, unfortunate, and very strange. An omen? Who cares? The only reason you read crap on the death of irony is because some dude was assigned a "trend piece" and couldn't think of a single fucking thing to write. Believe us. We should know. Just as desperate and even less ironic, the Sucksters
I love the page, guys! The Christmas special was 4jg9p04$$)jufse04, um, sorry, droolin' on the keyboard. It was awesome. One quibble: How can you throw out Garfield?!!!! OK, JD has made the eyes an eenie bit too big, like I put a few too many exclamation marks after that sentence. But he is a great character and should not have his name besmirched. For once when writing an email I have no quibbles about the design of the site! Huzzah! HOwever, still check out www.megasad.freeserve.co.uk when you have the time to see the best designed site I've seen — ever. Bye, wererogue <wererogue@ouvip.com> Your defense of Garfield is ironic, right? Right? Right? Here's hoping, the Sucksters
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