The Fish
for 10 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

The Suck 1000 Tarot Deck

I run one of the world's
largest Web resource sites on
tarot and related stuff, and
I want to tell you, I think
your Suck tarot is hilarious!
I love it. You should do the
entire 22 cards of the Major
Arcana. I wish this was going
to be permanently displayed
on your site, because I would
dearly love to link to it
from the tarot humor section
of my page. It is well worth
pointing people to, and I
know a LOT of people who
would enjoy seeing it but
wouldn't get to it until
later on.

Please consider making this a
permanent exhibit. =)

Thanks for a truly wonderful
work of humor.

Rev. Gina M. Pace
Wicce's Tarot Collection

It's your lucky day! The Suck
1000 Tarot Deck will be
available indefinitely at no
additional cost to you. It is
archived at the following

We hope you will provide a
link for your readers, so
everyone can take advantage
of the savings!
Fish With Letter Icon

The Suck 1000 Comic Strip

I enjoyed the 1000 Comics
article. I know that you,
like me, feel the pain and
the gaping void in your
hearts and souls that comes
with Charles Schulz's
retirement. What, as a
society, will we do without
the daily, lovable (and
humanly fallible) antics of
the Peanuts gang? Of course,
Berke Breathed never got this
type of fanfare. Nor did that
beautiful genius/prima donna
Bill Watterson. But that
leaves the Big Question: What
is the fate of comics in the
new millennium?

Well, the new millennium (as
I write this email) is a few
hours away. In fact, it's
already hit in Japan, and I'm
still here, so that's good.
(But as we know, nothing
significant can happen in the
world until it happens in New
York City.) Well, sure, you
can read Dilbert and Doonesbury.
Sometimes Non Sequitur is
good for a chuckle. You've
even got your very own
beloved Terry Colon. The
Onion can make you laugh.
Life in Hell is funnier in
reprint. That guy from Brown
University who coined the
phrase "politically correct"
probably does something,
somewhere in the world. But
the point is this: Other than
a few guerilla cartoonists
(more and more on the Net and
fewer in print), the state of
comics today is uncertain,
and the future looks bleak.

Even Newsweek came out and
had an exposé on the
death of irony. I found its
article ironic. Newsweek
makes me laugh, but for
all the wrong reasons.

Basically, it's up to you,
Suck. You kids pay the Bay
Area rent prices so that I
can live free and chuckle as
my company runs out of VC
funding. You guys put the "I"
back into "prurient." I feel
included in something bigger
than myself, and it's not the
haunting memory of Andre the
Giant. It's the flame of
satire that burns bright in
my black little heart. Carry
that flame, Sucksters. Get on
with your bad selves.

BTW: Wouldn't Taft have been
a better cartoon name than
Polk? If you're going
strictly on fat presidents
here, William H. Taft did get
stuck in the bathtub.

Yers troolie,

Muddith J. Spaceboy
homeboy emeritus

Ah, the future always looks
bleak. So what? Just keep
eating Cap'n Crunch
Crunchberries every morning
and you'll make it through.
Some stuff is funny, some
stuff isn't, regardless of
timing or irony or any of
that shit. Sure, we're
destined to be the Henny
Youngmans of the '90s, just
as we (ironically?) announced
on the day of Henny's death.
Unplanned, unfortunate, and
very strange. An omen? Who
cares? The only reason you
read crap on the death of
irony is because some dude
was assigned a "trend piece"
and couldn't think of a
single fucking thing to

Believe us. We should know.

Just as desperate and even
less ironic,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

I love the page, guys! The
Christmas special was
4jg9p04$$)jufse04, um, sorry,
droolin' on the keyboard. It
was awesome.

One quibble: How can you
throw out Garfield?!!!! OK,
JD has made the eyes an eenie
bit too big, like I put a few
too many exclamation marks
after that sentence. But he
is a great character and
should not have his name

For once when writing an
email I have no quibbles
about the design of the site!
Huzzah! HOwever, still check
when you have the time to see
the best designed site I've
seen — ever.



Your defense of Garfield is
ironic, right?



Here's hoping,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

The Suck 1000 Calendar

Dear Sucksters,

I agree with you on this
calendar deal, have thought
so for years, but was hoping
that your suggested revisions
would be stupider. Historical
awareness seems as
inappropriate to our time and
place as the metric system
and the atomic clock.
Speaking of which, you should
work out a new system for
weeks and hours, too. But
keep it stupid, simpleton!

Stupidly yrs,

Colin Rankine

If there's one thing you can
count on us to do, it's to
keep it stupid.

Or as the Colonel would say,
"Keep it extra crispy!"

Unoriginal recipe,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon


First, I wanted to say I was
surprised and glad to see a
month named after Joe Hill,
as I am a member of the IWW,
just as he was. But you
didn't have a link to the IWW
Web site! Here's the URL, in
case you guys couldn't find

Second, I was pretty offended
at your claim that capitalism
tends "to improve conditions
for most people." Growing up
middle class in America, it
is made vey easy for one to
ignore the very real and very
horrible things that
capitalism does all over the
world, but that doesn't mean
it's not still doing them.
For example, in Nigeria,
Shell has completely
devastated the environment of
nearly the entire country and
displaced many of the people
who originally lived there.
Many work for unlivable wages,
and those who agitate for
better conditions are
tortured and killed.

You know that big issue of
medical mistakes and how many
people are being hurt and
killed by them? Well,
hospitals all over the United
States are replacing
registered nurses with
medical technicians —
people who have three weeks
or less of medical training
but have the same duties as
the trained nurses they
replace. Why are hospitals
doing this? Because a janitor
with two weeks of training
can be payed a lot less than
a registered nurse.

A concept that most Americans
understand is that the goal
of corporations is to
maximize profits. What they
don't understand are the
consequences of that goal.
Especially in this day and
age, where the goverment is
basically a plutocracy,
corporations can do just
about anything they want to
exploit workers and the
environment and to continue
making folks like you thank
them for it.

Raphael Crawford-Marks

PS If you publish this,
please don't call me a
communist or a socialist. I'm
not. I'm an anarchist
(specifically, an
anarcho-syndicalist). The IWW
Web page has some good links
to anarchist and
anarcho-syndicalist pages.

OK, let's get this straight.
You wrote in to dispute the
very controversial statement
that capitalism tends "to
improve conditions for most
people"? And that makes you a
syndicated anarchist? We'd
say it makes you a
troublemaker. Troublemaker.

Agitating for worse

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters:

I love you so much, I really
do. I'm Canadian, and even
in spite of the libelous,
grotesque, giant rabbit
thingie with its little crack
pipe and bad diction, I love

But what's with this Suck
1000 series, eh? Every single
one of these features has
been boring and dull and
pointless and not even
remotely funny and ... wait a
sec. I get it! You haven't
just lost your edge. You're
not just throwing something
together at the last moment
because you're too flaked out
after Xmas to write anything
really entertaining or
incisive. You're making an
arch, satirical point about
how boring and pointless year
2000 hype is.

Now that's really clever.

Nina Scott-Stoddart

With fans like you, Nina, we
can't lose. We love you so
much too — we really do!

Edge, shmedge.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 Terry Colon's RIP Lists
 for the 20th Century
10 Topics of the Century with the Highest Ratio of Serious Discourse to Actual Interest
1. Jazz, America's art form
2. Women's sports
3. Inside politics
4. Quality TV programming
5. The Ten Commandments
6. Modern art
7. Eleanor Roosevelt
8. Any topic discussed on NPR or PBS
9. The homeless
10. Poetry

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