Our latest draft of a Hollywood script that's sure to be hard to
INT. - DAY. JOE CAMEL, MR. BLOBBY, and HotWired's TALKY in a convalescent home for Phallic Mascots.
JOE: You know, I'd be happy not to have a face that looks like a
big penis, but jeez, at least it got me a job.
BLOBBY: No kidding. I mean, what else was I gonna do with myself
after that Barney project fell through? Nobody wants a big dick in
JOE: No, but in their ad, now, that's a whole 'nother ball game.
TALKY: Yeah, I couldn't believe the demand after I sent out my
first headshots. Before I knew it, I was a real up-and-comer.
BLOBBY: You know what I used to love?
BLOBBY: The thrill of running around hugging nobodies and
celebrities alike. All those women on the streets couldn't keep
their eyes off me, and they didn't even know why! I'll never
forget the look on Hugh Grant's face when he saw this huge penis
coming after him. Did he suspect it was a surreal
nightmare of karmic retribution? And it really warmed my heart to see how well I could
penetrate Prince Charles' cold exterior.
TALKY: Wow. That must've felt great.
JOE: No kidding. You know what my favorite part was?
JOE: That look on people's faces. That look of subtle longing. At
first I thought it was the cigarette I was holding out to them...
but no. That little twitch at the side of the mouth? The
unmistakable look of unconscious recognition, quickly
transforming into unfulfilled lust, then finishing off with a
trace of regret, then fading into an overly blank look...
comically blank. Denial.
TALKY: Wow. You're so sensitive, Joe. That was really beautiful.
BLOBBY: Yeah. You know, I bet the world would be pretty surprised
to find out that we giant phalli have our gentle moments.
JOE: Everyone thinks we're just insensitive dicks...
TALKY: But we're just as soft as the next guy when we wanna be.