THE JOYS OF EMAIL!
Email is impersonal? Tell that to a nation of emotionally
repressed, verbally suppressed communicators.
Via email, your virtual crush can artfully reveal his delightful
wit. He displays such charming cynicism, offset with a playful,
I'm-so-busy touch, peppered with that certain je-ne-sais-blah!
"Consider yourself invited to call whenever the mood
strikes, whether to give me professional advice, party and event
invitations, or just to kiss my ass with vigor. But now I'm out to
experience the joys that only the hour of happiness can bring."
With email, you can tell an offensive person exactly what you
think, as long as you craftily sugarcoat it with a little humor.
They'll get the message, figuratively and literally.
"Please don't use the word "poontang" in future email messages.
Also, note that employing the word "poontang" in the presence of
owners of that much-sought-after "poontang" will insure that you
get less than your fair share of "poontang" henceforth.
Email allows you to clear up touchy subjects with family members
who, due to a myriad of complicated and thoroughly uninteresting
psychosocial dynamics, you can't talk to about anything more
serious than their most recent haircut.
"Mom - Sorry for ruining vacation last week, there's
just something about the way you chew your food that makes me
furious. I mailed Jody a check for the wine glasses I broke... I
don't know what got into me, but, despite her continuing
insistence on calling me a 'brat,' I do realize now that it was
inappropriate to bring up her childhood bedwetting problems in
front of her fiance."
Through email, you can vent deep-seated resentments towards
coworkers who've been bugging the living shit out of you, day
after painstaking day for years now, with just a few well-chosen
words on an internal mailing list, and in doing so avoid an
untimely death via heart failure.
"While I respect the importance of grappling with
such breathtakingly serious issues as who stole Martha's Lemonheads
CD, I hardly find my response, though admittedly glib, deserving
of such blatant personal attacks and name-calling. But then, I
suppose we can forgive Randy's resorting to such tactics,
considering the trauma of having very few friends to speak of and
disconcertingly frequent halitosis."