for 4 December 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

 

THE JOYS OF EMAIL!

Email is impersonal? Tell that to a nation of emotionally repressed, verbally suppressed communicators.

Via email, your virtual crush can artfully reveal his delightful wit. He displays such charming cynicism, offset with a playful, I'm-so-busy touch, peppered with that certain je-ne-sais-blah!

 

VIA EMAIL

"Consider yourself invited to call whenever the mood strikes, whether to give me professional advice, party and event invitations, or just to kiss my ass with vigor. But now I'm out to experience the joys that only the hour of happiness can bring."
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IN PERSON

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With email, you can tell an offensive person exactly what you think, as long as you craftily sugarcoat it with a little humor. They'll get the message, figuratively and literally.

 

VIA EMAIL

"Please don't use the word "poontang" in future email messages. Also, note that employing the word "poontang" in the presence of owners of that much-sought-after "poontang" will insure that you get less than your fair share of "poontang" henceforth.

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IN PERSON

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Email allows you to clear up touchy subjects with family members who, due to a myriad of complicated and thoroughly uninteresting psychosocial dynamics, you can't talk to about anything more serious than their most recent haircut.

VIA EMAIL

"Mom - Sorry for ruining vacation last week, there's just something about the way you chew your food that makes me furious. I mailed Jody a check for the wine glasses I broke... I don't know what got into me, but, despite her continuing insistence on calling me a 'brat,' I do realize now that it was inappropriate to bring up her childhood bedwetting problems in front of her fiance."
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IN PERSON

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Through email, you can vent deep-seated resentments towards coworkers who've been bugging the living shit out of you, day after painstaking day for years now, with just a few well-chosen words on an internal mailing list, and in doing so avoid an untimely death via heart failure.

VIA EMAIL

"While I respect the importance of grappling with such breathtakingly serious issues as who stole Martha's Lemonheads CD, I hardly find my response, though admittedly glib, deserving of such blatant personal attacks and name-calling. But then, I suppose we can forgive Randy's resorting to such tactics, considering the trauma of having very few friends to speak of and disconcertingly frequent halitosis."

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IN PERSON

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DEEP THOUGHTS

Penn Jillette, speaking on CompuServe: "Show business is run by burnt-out hippies and religious freaks who think that Shirley MacLaine and Sting should have an opinion on science!" [Entertainment Weekly, 11/22/96]

 

Sheryl Crow, on tour, talking to the audience about relationships: "So I was thinking about getting married. Are you married? What the heck. My parents have been married 43 years, and they really like each other. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and we really don't like each other." [Rolling Stone, 11/14/96]

 

Dennis Rodman: "I dream about death all the time, just because I know it's coming one day, and for some reason I've got to figure out which way to go, how it's gonna happen... I've dreamed someone pulled my heart out... I've dreamed of getting my head chopped off... It makes me feel good because I'm still living." [Rolling Stone, 12/96]

 

Joe Pytka, on his talking-gorillas ad: "People like animals being witty." [Entertainment Weekly, 11/22/96]

 

BRAINDUMP

"A related techno-nirvana theory, extropianism, suggests that the line between biology and technology will ultimately disappear - that people will become so nearly one with their computers that they can literally upload their brains onto a disc." [SF Bay Guardian, 11/12/96]

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WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA

Ever wonder what it's like to live in the land of sunshine and silicon? Wonder no more!

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