THE JOYS OF EMAIL!

Email is impersonal? Tell that to a nation of emotionally repressed, verbally suppressed communicators.

Via email, your virtual crush can artfully reveal his delightful wit. He displays such charming cynicism, offset with a playful, I'm-so-busy touch, peppered with that certain je-ne-sais-blah!

VIA EMAIL

"Consider yourself invited to call whenever the mood strikes, whether to give me professional advice, party and event invitations, or just to kiss my ass with vigor. But now I'm out to experience the joys that only the hour of happiness can bring."

IN PERSON

With email, you can tell an offensive person exactly what you think, as long as you craftily sugarcoat it with a little humor. They'll get the message, figuratively and literally.

VIA EMAIL

"Please don't use the word "poontang" in future email messages. Also, note that employing the word "poontang" in the presence of owners of that much-sought-after "poontang" will insure that you get less than your fair share of "poontang" henceforth.

IN PERSON

Email allows you to clear up touchy subjects with family members who, due to a myriad of complicated and thoroughly uninteresting psychosocial dynamics, you can't talk to about anything more serious than their most recent haircut.

VIA EMAIL

"Mom - Sorry for ruining vacation last week, there's just something about the way you chew your food that makes me furious. I mailed Jody a check for the wine glasses I broke... I don't know what got into me, but, despite her continuing insistence on calling me a 'brat,' I do realize now that it was inappropriate to bring up her childhood bedwetting problems in front of her fiance."

IN PERSON

Through email, you can vent deep-seated resentments towards coworkers who've been bugging the living shit out of you, day after painstaking day for years now, with just a few well-chosen words on an internal mailing list, and in doing so avoid an untimely death via heart failure.

VIA EMAIL

"While I respect the importance of grappling with such breathtakingly serious issues as who stole Martha's Lemonheads CD, I hardly find my response, though admittedly glib, deserving of such blatant personal attacks and name-calling. But then, I suppose we can forgive Randy's resorting to such tactics, considering the trauma of having very few friends to speak of and disconcertingly frequent halitosis."

IN PERSON