for 27 November 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.





Filling Your Education Needs Until They're Completely Full!

So, you've made your first million but you don't know the first thing about "hanging" with millionaires? No worries - with just a few simple lessons in upper-class assumptions and leaps of faith, you'll be croaking out haughty remarks in no time.



Isn't "art" confusing? Not anymore!

Thousands of people waste their lives churning out this thing called "art," just for an excuse to avoid offices, drink too much coffee, and talk about themselves excessively. Not necessarily bad goals, except they call it "creating" - we call it "feeding your delusions." Fortunately, all "art" falls into one of two categories: "Good Art" and "Bad Art." Just clip and save this simple guide and you'll never accidentally admire a piece of art that rich people know is pure shit.



It's "Good Art" If:

It's in a museum.
It's expensive.
It just looks nice. OR it embarasses you.
It's in a gallery in SoHo.
It features a recurring "blue dog."
It's in an opening at which brie is served.
You find yourself pondering the artist's history of drug abuse.
Someone famous has it in their home.
The artist is from Europe.
The artist knows some famous artists.
The artist's agent is wearing Armani.



It's "Bad Art" If:

It's in a "home gallery."
It's in a cafe.
It's cheap.
You know the artist.
There's beer at the opening.
It's got a lot of chartreuse in it.
It makes you physically ill.


Other BAD Things with the Word "Art" in Them Which Are Not "Bad Art":

Artist colonies
"Artistic" children
The term "artsy-fartsy"
The term "artful"
Art classes for "non-artists"
People who work in art supply stores
People who refer to "my art"
Art Garfunkel
Art Alexakis



Ransom producer Brian Grazer: "Some little peewee in our company got the script and really liked it." [Entertainment Weekly, 11/8/96]




"[S]everal students watched as [Andrew] Lewis, a senior, pulled out a piece of paper, tore off a square, and dropped it into a soda bottle on teacher Linda Woodard's desk while she was out of the classroom... Woodard returned and drank some of the soda before any students warned her." [Reuters, 11/17/96]



Tammy Faye Messner's answer to the question "If they make your book into a movie, who should play Jessica Hahn?": "Somebody really ugly and homely. And with very small boobs." [Entertainment Weekly, 11/8/96]




A Timely How-To For Would-Be Moguls!

Hard up for cash now that your IPO's smashed, your stock's crashed, or your company's hopes are dashed? No need to sell that brand new Lexus - turning hidden assets into cold cash can be as easy as pressing LIQUEFY on a blender. The trick is to know where to find those sources of quick money.



First, consider any obvious luxury items you can pawn nice and quick. How 'bout that '76 Strat in the attic? It's worth some fat cash, and cash is what you need, fast.



Next, consider any seemingly useless gifts that others might find quite nifty. Special bonus: Cross pens and all things Gucci.



Better yet, forget the pawn shop! Bank on your fallen-mogul status by auctioning off all your junk. You'll finally get some sympathetic press coverage, and your competitors are sure to pay top dollar to get a piece of you.



Finally, don't overlook those novelty items that you once thought defined your unique personality. There are lots more like you, all willing to pay big money for the same useless trash.



If you've done your best and you're still coming up short, consider a few, uh, creative alternatives. One easy (and fun!) alternative is hunting down missing pets...




[Filler Archive]

Polly Esther

Terry Colon