for 20 November 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

 
 

WHY BOTHER?

Seasons change, people change, and yet we find ourselves repeatedly returning to that age-old question. Why rake the leaves? Why call Grandma? Why go to work? Next time, just ask yourself whether or not the action in question is worth the effort.*

*If placing your activities on this chart actually helps, seek therapy immediately.

[]

 
 

POOR BOZO

Bob Harmon, aka Bozo the Clown: "It irks me when people use the character's name in a demeaning way." [Time, 10/21/96]

 

POMO PROMO...

Jay Coleman, event marketer, on plans to use the Russian space program to launch ordinary consumers into space as a promo: "I see this as a once in a lifetime situation. As we head into the millennium, doing something like this is perfect for a company that wants to make a statement about technology or imagery as futuristic." [Advertising Age, 10/28/96]

 

BLOW UP JOE SCHMOE!

Dan Fox, exec. VP of Foote, Cone & Belding, Chicago, expressing skepticism on the prospects of Mr. Coleman's venture: "It's an interesting idea, but $20 million is a lot of money. There's no way to get it back. And what happens if you take Joe Schmoe and it blows up on the launch pad?" [Advertising Age, 10/28/96]

[]

 
 

 

BRANDED FOR LIFE

Remember Martha Stewart's recent declaration? "It's hard being a living brand... with people pointing at you. I don't like that." [Advertising Age, 10/14/96]

Did it leave you wondering if you're a living brand? Take this quiz and find out!

1. Your spouse keeps making artichokes for dinner. You hate artichokes. What do you do?

a) Say to your spouse: "Stop making artichokes for dinner. I hate them."
b) Politely suggest a green and healthy alternative, like broccoli, or okra!
c) Save those uneaten artichokes until you have enough to string together into a small wreath. Then you just snap off the discolored edges, and voila! A fresh, decorative ornament that'll add a holiday touch to any living space!

[]

 

2. You've recently won a local tennis tournament, and the press is swarming around you. You've never felt the harsh glow of the spotlight, and you find it quite disconcerting. What do you do?

a) Ramble on aimlessly about yourself until even the press hounds become visibly bored and wander off.
b) Tell the reporters you hate them, the whole bloody lot of them!
c) Pull out your personal calendar for the month and show those journalists exactly when you plan to winterize the Begonia patch in your backyard.

[]

 

3. You're beginning to notice that your bar of soap is always the smallest one in the house. What do you do?

a) Scream at your housemates: "Stop using my soap, you moochers!"
b) Call the company that makes the soap and say: "Hey, your soap is always the smallest soap in the house." Then feel bitter when they turn it into an award-winning ad campaign without giving you credit.
c) Take your soap and all the other small soaps in the house and heat them in a saucepan, on high for about 12 minutes or until all the soap is melted. Then add a few drops of food coloring and pour them into a variety of molds. What an easy, inexpensive, colorful gift for friends and family alike!

[]

 

If you answered 1. c, 2. c, 3. c, you're a Living Brand! Congratulations! Get your name trademarked and find an agent, pronto!

If you answered anything else, you're either a dead brand, or a living non-brand. Either way, you don't matter. Shut up. Go away.

 
 

INITIAL PUBLIC OFFING

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 
 

 

[Filler Archive]

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon