for 16 October 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

 
 

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE YEAR 2000?

Do you understand its implications? Do you have a sound "Year 2000" strategy? Better take this quiz and find out once and for all!

 

1. In just three years and two and a half months, we'll begin the year 2000, a brand new century. What are the implications of this change? Check all that apply.

Everything will get a lot more modern, all at once!

There'll be hundreds of "human interest" stories that focus on babies born in the first hour of the new century, including features on the covers of Time, Newsweek, U.S. News and World Report, and thusly, in Slate's "Spin" column.

People will suddenly be considered "passé" unless they wear silver clothing and have conveyor belts installed in their homes.

[]

 

Self-respecting self-proclaimed "partiers" will be forced to "party like it's 1999" no matter what their moods or circumstances are that day, or risk compromising the identities they've spent many unsettlingly pointless nights - and a good portion of their livers - constructing.

Self-respecting self-proclaimed "naysayers" and "nonconformists" will be forced to claim a total lack of interest in "partying like it's 1999" or risk compromising the identities they've spent hours smoking cloves and reading books in order to attain, despite the obvious drawbacks of calmly reading books and smoking while, from the nearest window, the joyful shouts of people "partying like it's 1999" threaten to drive them to the brink of insanity.

Companies that didn't handle that big "Year 2000" date problem that no one understands will immediately go bankrupt.

There'll be lots of "Turn of the Century" sales, at which countless consumer items will be marked down to shockingly low prices!

 

2. What will be the personal effects of the year 2000 on your life?

For a few days, I'll be really, really hung over.

I'll feel weird writing "00" on my checks.

My company might be one of those ones that don't understand that "Year 2000" thing, which would mean I'll lose my job! I'd better go talk to my boss about our "Year 2000" strategy right away...

[]

 

I'll feel really excited about living through such a momentous occasion! Right after that I'll feel massively disappointed, vaguely dissatisfied, then bored.

I'll spend some time thinking about how old I'm getting, which will depress me. Then I might kill myself.

 

3. How do you plan to prepare for the Year 2000?

As we speak, I'm redesigning my house to accommodate conveyor belts.

I plan to practice "partying like it's 1999" just so I'll be fully prepared to party exactly like it's 1999 when it is 1999.

[]

 

I plan to practice writing "00" on my checks, just so I won't feel quite so weird doing that when the time comes.

I plan to practice aiming the gun back, toward my brain, instead of up, toward my face, just so I don't blow my face off and live the rest of my life horribly disfigured, just in case I do decide to kill myself.

 
 

 

THE ANSWER'S TIED INTO "NOTS"

Not About Bankroll...
Randall Jones, CEO of Capital Publishing, on his new magazine, American Benefactor: "This will not be a magazine about how to acquire wealth. It will be a sophisticated service magazine that will be all about having soul."
[Advertising Age, 9/23/96]

Not Okay to Roll...
Consumer Reports, on giving the Isuzu Trooper and the Acura SLX "Not Acceptable" ratings due to safety: "On this short course, at just over 33 mph, the [Isuzu] Trooper lifted both right wheels high off the pavement. It would have rolled over completely if not for our test driver's quick and skillful steering."
[Consumer Reports, 10/96]

Not A Careerist Asshole...
Marisa Bowe, editor-in-chief of Word, on their search for a managing editor: "It's a funny combination - everyone is nice, artsy, and driven. This is not a place for someone who wants to fuck around. But it's not for some asshole careerist, either." [Dream Jobs, 9/96]

[]

 

None of the Above...
Michael J. Fox: "[I learned that] I was a good actor. Not the world's greatest actor. And not the world's funniest actor. And not the world's greatest human being. Not the world's greatest father, or husband. But who can be any of that stuff? Who can be perfect? Not me."
[TV Guide 9/28/96]

 
 

 

FLATTERY REVISITED

Rocket from the Crypt band leader John "Speedo" Reis: "When someone throws a shoe at you, it should be taken as the highest form of flattery and repaid with an act that demonstrates your gratitude."
[Rolling Stone, 9/17/96]

[]

 
 

HIGH CONCEPT O' THE MONTH

Mike Mills, on R.E.M.'s latest video: "The concept of the video is to sell more records." [Rolling Stone, 9/17/96]

 

UNSETTLING QUOTE O' THE WEEK

SunSoft Java evangelist Miko Matsumura: "I even know a group in Canada that is using Java to control some of the operations of a nuclear power plant. I can't imagine there are more mission-critical applications than that."
[Web Week, 9/23/96]

 

UNSETTLING QUOTE O' THE YEAR

Jay Schulberg, chief creative officer of the ad agency Bozell Worldwide: "The 'milk mustache' campaign has captured the imagination of the world."
[Advertising Age, 9/16/96]

[]

 
 

DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF NOVELTY...

Josh Quittner: "The Web is driving on novelty power right now, waiting for the mass market to arrive... [But if] the Web metastasizes into [TV], bye-bye class media. The bubble bursts, and you're left with nothing but bubble goo to show for your troubles. And who can sell bubble goo?" [Wired, 11/96]

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 

[]

 
 

 

[Filler Archive]

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon