GETTING TO KNOW YOU...
A Fish, a Barrel, and a Smoking Gun: Do you know them? Have you
ever really known them? A look at the legendary muses of Suck...
THE SMOKING GUN
Saw Clockwork Orange 10 times; has a
number of scars from various self-inflicted burns and cuts
Marlboro Reds, red wine, anything red
Jealousy, instant rage, hair-trigger disgust,
rampant cynicism mixed with hopeless romanticism, a contradictory
mix that provides an inexhaustible flow of inspiration, but
inevitably brings endless misery and despair
Questions whether or not there's a
single fact in his head underneath layers and layers of witty quips,
unmitigated resentment of everything and everyone and references
to bad magazines and worse TV
Very, very, very unhappy
"Will anyone ever really love me for ME?"
Make everyone within a five-foot radius believe
that their motivations aren't pure enough
Joan Didion, Howard Stern, Dorothy Parker, Kurt
"I used to hate you, but now I just feel sorry
pathetic, bullshit, yeah right, come on, ha!
Lusts after Alanis Morissette
Inserts haughty sniffs and eye-rolling
into every conversation; doesn't shower enough
Martinis, poorly assembled outfits
Vanity, condescension, total lack of empathy paired
with chafing self-righteousness
Questions whether or not there's any
liquid, spontaneous intelligence underneath the piles and piles of
facts she's accumulated
"Is it really elitist to believe that
revolution is driven by key individuals, even when it's clear
enough that the general public would sooner eat a week-old tuna
sandwich than think for themselves?"
Make all within a five-foot radius believe that
they're really, really stupid
"That remark only underscores your utter lack
of understanding of [insert concept, author, genre, era, etc.]"
Her honors thesis advisor in college, who wrote
the definitive book on something no one understands or
OVERUSES THESE TERMS
lowbrow, ill-informed, utterly bourgeois
Loves the movie "Grease"
Gets sexually excited when his computer
displays the message, "Getting ready to make a connection."
Dummy pipe, stale doughnuts, Penthouse Forum
Wonders if a handful of Black Stallion
novels, a couple articles in Wired, and a few passages of McLuhan
make a person "well-read"
Not so bad, minus that Coal Mining Camp his parents
sent him to when he was 6
"What the future LOOKS like... will there be
lots of silver clothing and an orgasmatron just like in
"No shit, Sherlock!"
Pauly Shore, Douglas Coupland, Jenny McCarthy,
Kevin Costner, Agnetha (y'know, the blonde one) of ABBA
OVERUSES THESE TERMS
yikes, biatch, piss boy, tall dollars,
bourgeois, what gives?
Has never read the paper