for 9 October 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

 
 

OH, YOU'D BE SURPRISED...

Bush's lead singer, Gavin Rossdale, on the group's sex appeal: "Since most of our success was on the radio, I don't know how much dick you can put on the radio, except for the sound."
[Village Voice, 9/17/96]

Sherman Woo, director of information tools and technologies, US West Communications: "People who have home pages have work. And people who don't, don't have work."
[Fast Company, 9/96]

Angel Williams, co-owner of Kokobar, an Internet café in the Fort Green section of Brooklyn: "I thought it would be a good idea if someone put an espresso bar in the 'hood."
[Wired, 9/96]

Laurie Anderson: "Everybody should think they're ultra-cool. The world would be a much better place."
[Tweak]

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Photographer Annie Leibovitz, discussing her days on assignment during the war in Bosnia: "I think everyone should be shot at. You respect life more; I think there would be less complaints."
[Southwest Photographic, 9/96]

 
 

 

MINORITIES BRING SUCH ENJOYMENT!

Rev. Lou Sheldon, founder of the Traditional Values Coalition: "Homosexuality is trying to declare itself a minority, like blacks... We very much learned to enjoy blacks, Hispanics, Asians and the handicapped. But the way you experience sex is emotional, not like the color of your skin."
[Time, 9/23/96]

 

EMOTIONAL VS. ENJOYABLE
Do all life's experiences boil down to just two variables? Seems like it right now, anyway...

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GETTING TO KNOW YOU...
A Fish, a Barrel, and a Smoking Gun: Do you know them? Have you ever really known them? A look at the legendary muses of Suck...

 

THE SMOKING GUN

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DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
Saw Clockwork Orange 10 times; has a number of scars from various self-inflicted burns and cuts

VICES
Marlboro Reds, red wine, anything red

WEAKNESSES
Jealousy, instant rage, hair-trigger disgust, rampant cynicism mixed with hopeless romanticism, a contradictory mix that provides an inexhaustible flow of inspiration, but inevitably brings endless misery and despair

DEEP-SEATED INSECURITIES
Questions whether or not there's a single fact in his head underneath layers and layers of witty quips, unmitigated resentment of everything and everyone and references to bad magazines and worse TV

CHILDHOOD
Very, very, very unhappy

BURNING QUESTION
"Will anyone ever really love me for ME?"

BURNING DESIRE
Make everyone within a five-foot radius believe that their motivations aren't pure enough

ROLE MODELS
Joan Didion, Howard Stern, Dorothy Parker, Kurt Cobain

FAVORITE SAYING
"I used to hate you, but now I just feel sorry for you."

OVERUSED TERMS
pathetic, bullshit, yeah right, come on, ha!

BIGGEST SECRET
Lusts after Alanis Morissette

 
 

THE BARREL

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DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
Inserts haughty sniffs and eye-rolling into every conversation; doesn't shower enough

VICES
Martinis, poorly assembled outfits

WEAKNESSES
Vanity, condescension, total lack of empathy paired with chafing self-righteousness

DEEP-SEATED INSECURITIES
Questions whether or not there's any liquid, spontaneous intelligence underneath the piles and piles of facts she's accumulated

CHILDHOOD
Deeply dissatisfying

BURNING QUESTION
"Is it really elitist to believe that revolution is driven by key individuals, even when it's clear enough that the general public would sooner eat a week-old tuna sandwich than think for themselves?"

BURNING DESIRE
Make all within a five-foot radius believe that they're really, really stupid

FAVORITE SAYING
"That remark only underscores your utter lack of understanding of [insert concept, author, genre, era, etc.]"

ROLE MODELS
Her honors thesis advisor in college, who wrote the definitive book on something no one understands or cares about

OVERUSES THESE TERMS
lowbrow, ill-informed, utterly bourgeois

BIGGEST SECRET
Loves the movie "Grease"

 
 

THE FISH

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DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
Gets sexually excited when his computer displays the message, "Getting ready to make a connection."

VICES
Dummy pipe, stale doughnuts, Penthouse Forum

DEEP-SEATED INSECURITIES
Wonders if a handful of Black Stallion novels, a couple articles in Wired, and a few passages of McLuhan make a person "well-read"

CHILDHOOD
Not so bad, minus that Coal Mining Camp his parents sent him to when he was 6

BURNING QUESTION
"What the future LOOKS like... will there be lots of silver clothing and an orgasmatron just like in 'Sleeper'?"

FAVORITE SAYING
"No shit, Sherlock!"

ROLE MODELS
Pauly Shore, Douglas Coupland, Jenny McCarthy, Kevin Costner, Agnetha (y'know, the blonde one) of ABBA

OVERUSES THESE TERMS
yikes, biatch, piss boy, tall dollars, bourgeois, what gives?

BIGGEST SECRET
Has never read the paper

 
 

BARREL AND GUN REVOLT!
The true story of a plebeian uprising extraordinaire!

 

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[Filler Archive]

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon