for 4 September 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

PR LEADS TO FIT YOUR NEEDS!

Which pose fits the bill? Here's a quickie guide to PR tactics for your industry!

 

Milieu: New York Publishing Scene

Goal: Cater To Important People

Tactic: Exterminate Non-Ass-Kissers

On possible reasons why Kurt Andersen, co-founder of Spy, was ousted from his position as editor of New York magazine: "[T]he redesign, coupled with a shift in the magazine's editorial focus, have been met with resistance by important segments of New York's subscriber base." [New York Times, 8/30/96]

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Milieu: High-Tech Industry

Crucial Goal: Inflate Stock's Valuation

Tactic: Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

"During Microsoft's recent analyst meeting, in answer to a question about Netscape, [Bill] Gates said, 'I'm just not clear what they're really doing.'" [Web Week, 8/19/96]

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Milieu: Music Industry, Alternapop

Crucial Goal: Controversy Creation

Tactic: Hurl Strangely Inappropriate Insults

Liam Gallagher of Oasis: "I hate you fucking lot, yet you're always asking me too many things. I'm not a supermodel you know." [Reuters, 8/29/96]

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Milieu: Fashion Industry

Crucial Goal: Dodge Bullets for Propagating Pedophilia

Tactic: Haughtily Scoff at Source of Criticism

A spokesman for Select, a modeling agency, in response to Roger Moore's criticism of the agency's selecting a twelve-year-old girl to model: "We are not going to comment on general remarks made by Roger Moore." [Nando Times, 8/29/96]

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After last week's masturbatory Filler and the spurt of reader mail that it inspired, we had a notion: Why should we Sucksters be the only ones to know the glory and inspiration that is the Suck editorial brainstorm? Even if we can't share the doughnuts, we can share the Deep Thoughts and Big Ideas that come out of the Suck think tank. And thus, we present:

BIG IDEAS O' THE WEEK!

People are talking over each other's heads more and more these days.
People don't like people who talk over their heads.
People like to drive fast.
People don't like people who drive fast.
People get attention just for being stupid these days.
People are stupider and stupider these days.
People like to think people are stupider and stupider these days.
People like to think about what people like these days.
People like people who like them.
People don't like people who don't like them.
People like shiny things.
People like fluffy things.
People like things that feel good.
People like to think about things that feel good.
People like having monkeys as pets these days.
People don't like people who keep monkeys as pets these days.

 

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Conclusion: People don't like people.

 

Isn't it amazing how much you can learn just by brainstorming for a little while? Why, you can try it yourself - just think for a while about Big Ideas, and see what you come up with! If you come up with something really good, send it our way! Come on, now, don't be shy. We might just learn something from you!

 
 

BIG IDEA OF THE MILLENIUM

People like shiny things.

 
 

SHINY VS. USEFUL

It's the Big Idea to end all Big Ideas: Each and every person, place, or thing in the universe can be judged based on its location on this one little scale!

 

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FLACCID RANTS OR TRUE ROMANCE?

Are you a Trainspotter, a Trainswatter, or a Potential Junky? Read each of the following statements, pick a letter, and find out!

1."There is one truthful thing that Trainspotting says which may hurt your feelings: People do heroin because it's really fun."

a) Excellent! The world NEEDS another movie about how fun drugs are.
b) Preposterous! People do heroin because it could ruin their lives and/or kill them, NOT because it's fun!
c) Letting junkies have fun never hurt my feelings.
d) Heroin always sounded like fun to me. I might have to try it sometime.

 

2. "Their films aren't about meaning writ large. They're about getting a rush."

a) Excellent! The world NEEDS less meaning, more of a rush!
b) What exactly is "meaning writ large"?
c) Where can I find a good rush?
d) I like getting a rush. I'm thinking about trying heroin - I hear the rush is incredible!

 

3. "'Heroin is a very romantic drug,' director Danny Boyle says."

His point is that:

a) It's easier to fall in love with heroin than it is to do almost anything!
b) Heroin sends flowers the morning after you use it.
c) Marijuana won't get you any play.
d) Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were just the best couple EVER.

 

4. After asserting that the director, screenwriter, and producer of Trainspotting once knew nothing about drugs, the author of the article states, "Nowadays, the Huey, Dewey, and Louie of Brit-pop cinema know loads about drugs. And they pal around with the likes of Blur and Pulp."

With these statements, the author is trying to show us that:

a) Knowing loads about drugs is cool.
b) Blur! Pulp! Wow. I wish I could pal around with them.
c) Huey! Dewey! Louie! Wow. I wish I could pal around with them.
d) People like having monkeys as pets. I wish I had a monkey. I wish I had a pal. I think I'll try to score some heroin now. [Source: Details, 9/96]

 
 

ANSWER KEY

 

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If you answered all A's, then you're a Trainspotter! You don't do heroin yourself, but you invariably think movies about heroin are really cool, especially if the colors are pretty and the editing is just like on MTV and the stars are Scottish, because you're down with Europe, particularly since you went there for a week your junior year. Why, you even struck up a conversation with some British guy in a pub once!

 
 

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If you answered 1. c,  2. b,  3. c,  
4.
c, then you're a Trainswatter! Maybe you do heroin, maybe you don't, but you'll be damned if you can sit through another scene with a junky locked in his room trying to "kick." This isn't disturbing or thrillingly unconventional or romantic, this is flat-out dull. If you wanted disturbing and clever, you'd rent Clockwork Orange again. "Eggy-Weggs? I would like to SMASH them!"

 
 

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If you answered all D's, then beware! You're a Potential Junky! Forget about rock stars, forget what you see in those glossy magazines! Of course Courtney Love is tantalizingly unpredictable, but there are lots of kinder (hint), gentler drugs that are really fun AND (bonus) they don't usually fuck up your life, even if they aren't getting all the good press heroin is getting. Do yourself and your mommy a favor and try those drugs instead.

 
 

Tune in next week, when Filler gets an even greater moral tone, and begins to look more and more like The Facts of Life...

 

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