for 28 August 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

IT'S OUR SUCKIVERSARY!

One full year of Sucking and what do we have to show for it? Not much, except, of course, even less shame in basking in the eerie green glow of our own unjustified self-importance.

 
 

YAMMER OF THE CLODS

A Glimpse Behind the Scenes -
The Making of Suck

 

STEP ONE

Sucksters pretend to work, answer personal email all day.

 

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STEP TWO

Edit meeting. Dummy pipe is passed around.

 

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STEP THREE

Brilliant ideas arise.

 

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STEP FOUR

Ideas are shot down.

 

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STEP FIVE

Return to email.

 

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ARE YOU REALLY A SUCKSTER?

Or Are You Just Stupid? Better Take This Quiz and Find Out.

 
 

1. A friend gives you a sip of her soda. You decide after sipping a little that you'd really like the whole can. What do you do?

a) Give it back. It's her soda.
b) Finish it off and claim that there was just one big swallow left, even though it was obviously pretty full.
c) Take another sip. Then announce: "I'm drinking the rest of this soda right now." Drink the rest. When you're done, explain that it's her fault for handing you the soda in the first place, since she knew you were an asshole, and a thirsty asshole at that.
d) Give her soda to the guy asking for change on the corner. Tell her thirst is the price she has to pay for having such caring, compassionate friends. Then laugh, and sock her in the shoulder, hard.
e) What kind of soda is it?

 
 

2. You're at the grocery store. The man ahead of you in line has a full cart of groceries, and you just have 1 box of Hostess HoHos, individually wrapped, and a cold A&W root beer. What do you do?

a) Wait your turn.
b) Explain to the man that you're a diabetic, and you need to buy and eat those HoHos immediately or you might die and that would be all his fault. After purchasing the HoHos, turn and yell "Suckerrrrr!" at the man and strut away, humming a choice punk anthem.
c) Pop open the root beer, sample a HoHo or two, and flip through an Enquirer, searching for pictures of Jamie Lee Curtis on the fashion faux-pas page.
d) Watch the man unload his groceries, carefully noting every item. Ruminate over the minutest motivations and psychosocial implications of that particular melange of consumer choices. Bring it up over dinner with friends. Carefully note their disdainful reactions, and ruminate over the minutest motivations and psychosocial implications of that particular melange of resentment and pity. Become alienated and depressed, explore heavy drugs, write blindly self-indulgent trash, lather, rinse, repeat.
e) What is a grocery store?

 
 

3. You are attending the graduation ceremony of some fine institution of higher learning, and the commencement speaker trips and dislocates her shoulder on the way to the podium. What do you do?

a) Step up to the mike and deliver a rousing impromptu speech to the graduates on the remarkable futures that lie ahead of them, and the importance of giving back to the community some of the big money they'll inevitably rake in at those big-deal jobs waiting for them.
b) Run over to the commencement speaker and try to relocate her shoulder, ignoring any wails of protest that might compromise the needs of the greater populace.
c) Explain to the crowds that no one really likes commencement speeches anyway, and besides, there's really nothing to celebrate about the end of a carefree, alcohol-soaked era and the beginning of that long, downward spiral known as "real life," featuring celibacy, drudgery, and most of all, overwhelming dissatisfaction.
d) Tell the crowds that you'll keep it short. You just want them to know that, since your own piss-poor educational experience, you've learned just three things. One, people who say you're "too negative" aren't worth talking to. Two, the dummy pipe is your friend. Three, everything tastes better covered in melted cheese.
e) What is "higher learning"?

 
 

Answers:
1. c,  2. e,  3. d  

 
 

WHAT SUCK WOULD LOOK LIKE WITHOUT OUR ARTISTE

 

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FROM THE SUCK EMPLOYEE POLICY HANDBOOK

Management Tips for Sucksters

 

1. Haze and berate new employees until their wills are broken - flinchy, egoless workers are more subservient and pliable.

 

2. Shoot down all new editorial ideas with intense disdain, citing several examples of how overplayed that idea is. When people are forced to reinvent the wheel, often they do. Otherwise, they're fired.

 

3. End all caustic emails with the words "lovingly yours" to offset any bitter reactions to the bossy or obtrusive message therein.

 

4. Publicly mock coworkers for behaviors that you find annoying - far more effective than a simple, private reprimand, and if they get angry, you can simply say, "I was just kidding. Jesus, you're so oversensitive."

 

5. Ignore input and contributions from production and engineering staff
(i.e., T. Jay and Sean). Threaten retribution if said staff attempts to alter live content without editorial "oversight" (see #5).

 

JUST DUCKY vs. SUCKY

 

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IT TAKES A VILLAGE

A typical exchange in the village of Suck.

 

Joey: What's this week's Zero Baud about?
Ana: Giant Squid.
Carl: That's fucked up.
Heather: No shit.
Ana: Excuse me?
Heather: Giant fucking squid? Are you kidding?
Ana: Okay, and you're the expert, right? Weren't you a cheerleader once, or something?
Heather: Yeah, well, maybe I wasn't born with The Baffler tattooed across my ass...
Owen: I quit.
Carl: Shut up. You cannot escape us.
Joey: (to Owen) Buck up, little camper. (to Ana and Heather) As for you biatches...
Ana: Bring it on, Mr. One-Second Macro Manager.
Heather: Maybe Mr. Manager Guy wants me to peruse my shelves for a fresh new can of whoop ass?
Joey: Whoa, Nellie. You wanna piece of me? I'll give you a...

 

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Ana: So, uh, the Squid piece is in copyedit.
Owen: All right.
 

[Filler Archive]

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon