ARE YOU REALLY A SUCKSTER?
Or Are You Just Stupid? Better Take This Quiz and Find Out.
1. A friend gives you a sip of her soda. You decide after sipping
a little that you'd really like the whole can. What do you do?
a) Give it back. It's her soda.
b) Finish it off and claim that there was just one big swallow
left, even though it was obviously pretty full.
c) Take another sip. Then announce: "I'm drinking the rest of this
soda right now." Drink the rest. When you're done, explain that
it's her fault for handing you the soda in the first place, since
she knew you were an asshole, and a thirsty asshole at that.
d) Give her soda to the guy asking for change on the corner. Tell
her thirst is the price she has to pay for having such caring,
compassionate friends. Then laugh, and sock her in the shoulder,
e) What kind of soda is it?
2. You're at the grocery store. The man ahead of you in line has a
full cart of groceries, and you just have 1 box of Hostess HoHos,
individually wrapped, and a cold A&W root beer. What do you do?
a) Wait your turn.
b) Explain to the man that you're a diabetic, and you need to buy
and eat those HoHos immediately or you might die and that would
be all his fault. After purchasing the HoHos, turn and yell
"Suckerrrrr!" at the man and strut away, humming a choice punk
c) Pop open the root beer, sample a HoHo or two, and flip through
an Enquirer, searching for pictures of Jamie Lee Curtis on the
fashion faux-pas page.
d) Watch the man unload his groceries, carefully noting every
item. Ruminate over the minutest motivations and psychosocial
implications of that particular melange of consumer choices. Bring
it up over dinner with friends. Carefully note their disdainful
reactions, and ruminate over the minutest motivations and
psychosocial implications of that particular melange of resentment
and pity. Become alienated and depressed, explore heavy drugs,
write blindly self-indulgent trash, lather, rinse, repeat.
e) What is a grocery store?
3. You are attending the graduation ceremony of some fine
institution of higher learning, and the commencement speaker trips
and dislocates her shoulder on the way to the podium. What do you
a) Step up to the mike and deliver a rousing impromptu speech to the graduates
on the remarkable futures that lie ahead of them, and the importance
of giving back to the community some of the big money they'll
inevitably rake in at those big-deal jobs waiting for them.
b) Run over to the commencement speaker and try to relocate her
shoulder, ignoring any wails of protest that might compromise the
needs of the greater populace.
c) Explain to the crowds that no one really likes commencement
speeches anyway, and besides, there's really nothing to celebrate
about the end of a carefree, alcohol-soaked era and the beginning
of that long, downward spiral known as "real life," featuring
celibacy, drudgery, and most of all, overwhelming dissatisfaction.
d) Tell the crowds that you'll keep it short. You just want them
to know that, since your own piss-poor educational experience,
you've learned just three things. One, people who say you're "too
negative" aren't worth talking to. Two, the dummy pipe is your
friend. Three, everything tastes better covered in melted cheese.
e) What is "higher learning"?
1. c, 2. e, 3. d