SUCKSEXUAL ANALYSIS QUIZ
Answer the following questions and find out what your sexual profile is!
[From "Cafe's new brew: experiment as high-tech marketing lab," San Jose Mercury News, 7/26/96]
1. "[Cal] Lai, chairman and chief executive of LVL Advertising, is planning an experimental retail store-cum-marketing laboratory in Palo Alto. And to encourage conversation and mingling it will all happen in a cafe that serves gourmet coffees, quiche, finger foods, beer and wine."
After reading this quote, the very first thought that comes into my head is:
a) shopping, mingling, drinking... fabulous!
b) "experimental" + "retail" = "failure"
c) real men don't eat quiche, particularly not in marketing laboratories
d) experimental, cum, mingling, serve, finger foods... Mmm.
2. "It [the cafe] will also be a place, he hopes, where people will linger and enjoy meeting others on the same bandwidth."
This quote makes me feel:
a) vindicated! Everyone knows a person with a 14.4 can hardly expect to attract someone with a T1.
b) worried. I can't afford a new modem - I may never get laid!
c) pleasantly surprised... to see the word "bandwidth" employed as an unspoken metaphor for intelligence - whoever wrote this piece has some serious pipes!
d) thrilled by the possibility of witnessing such inane interactions.
3. "People need to touch and feel what they buy."
a) makes me want to touch, feel, and buy.
b) makes me want to touch, feel, and not buy.
c) makes me want to touch, feel, and be bought.
d) makes me feel dirty.
4. "The aim of his experiment isn't to sell products, he says, but rather to gain insight into how consumers view his clients' products."
He's talking about:
a) free market research
b) free marketing research
c) an unremarkable search for free money
d) the batch of crack brownies he just ate
YOUR SEXUAL PROFILE!
If you picked three or more a's, you're a Sexual Consumer.
If you picked three or more b's, you're a Cheap-Thrill Seeker.
If you picked d, e, d, c - in that order - you're a Recovering Catholic.
If you picked b, d, c, d - in that order - you're a Cynical Lover.
You'd pay for sex... hell, you'd pay for almost anything! And that's a-okay for you, until you start slipping your spouse 20-spots just to get excited. At least you'll buy him or her some nice stuff to make up for it. Advice: Divert those sexual urges into something more productive, like a very fast, very expensive car.
You won't pay for sex... hell, you won't pay for anything! And that's a-okay for you, as long as you hang with the moocher-friendly (See Also: Sexual Consumer). You don't have a job, but instead spend your time daydreaming of spontaneous orgies and unsolicited oral favors. Advice: Take up car racing or guitar playing - these people get laid easy, no money down.
You'll pay for sex... with years of guilt. A million Hail Marys have left you Waiting in Joyful Hope for the Coming of Your Savior... or whoever's in your bed at the time. You gave up being Seated at the Right Hand of the Father long ago, but - despite lingering feelings of naughtiness - your repressed upbringing has only strengthened your commitment to high-quality scrogging! Blessed Art Thou Among Lovers! Advice: Remember, sluts dreams DO come true!
You'll say nothing for sex... that would make you feel cheap. So instead you compulsively insult and deconstruct people to get them into bed. And, hey! It works! You fancy yourself fairly skilled in the sack, yet your self-awareness keeps you from the glory of total abandonment on the mack. You're prone to post-coitus glib remarks that instantly spoil the happy afterglow, followed by a frank yet detailed analysis of sexuality in the human species. Advice: three words - suspension of disbelief.