for 31 July 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

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EAT OR BE EATEN

Adam Breen, descendant of one of the members of the Donner Party: "When the world knows your family resorted to cannibalism to save themselves in the face of death, you'd better be able to laugh about it." [The New York Times, 7/22/96]

 

END OR BEFRIEND

"Friends' six cast members seemed to be staging a strike - demanding equal salaries of $100,000 per episode... [Warner Bros. will make] at least $192 million on the syndication for the first two seasons alone." [Entertainment Weekly, 7/26/96]

 

KILL OR BE KILLED

Pema Jones, a 13-year-old Tibetan lama, one of the youngest Buddhist teachers in the U.S.: "The Dalai Lama is an awesome old dude and a killer teacher. But he's got, like, a dozen bodyguards around him when he's traveling. What do you think would happen if some butthead pulls a gun on His Holiness? Do you think those dozen bodyguards will practice nonviolence...? No way, man. A bodyguard sees this dweeb with a gun and he's gonna pop a cap in his ass." [CyberSangha, Spring 96]

THE SECRETS OF OUR EXCESS

[From "Secret of Successful Web Sites? Break the Rules," San Francisco Chronicle, 7/10/96]

"Being on the Web or having a presence on the Internet may be chic, like having the first Hula-Hoop, mesquite grill barbecue, or Saab convertible. But that doesn't translate automatically to bucks in the bank."

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"Successes break the traditional conservative 'we've always done it this way' rules of business."

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"Unlike a store or office in the real world, which would be costly to rebuild, a cyber business can be changed as quickly as one can write software code."

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"They're small - often teeny companies. And they are setting the prices... and establishing new business models."

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UGLY WON'T SELL

Reason why Disney's Hunchback products aren't moving as expected: "[I]ts ugly-but-lovable central character, Quasimodo, is a far less beguiling hero than Disney's usual cute or cuddly animated stars." [Advertising Age, 7/22/96]

 

GLITCH-FREE, WON'T SMELL

"At first, a Polk County [Oregon] tax measure was defeated. But suspecting a computer glitch in tabulating the vote, a technician advised election officials to spritz the carpet around the computer with Downy Fabric Softener. It turned out that the tax had actually passed. 'Now we spray the Downy every time... It always smells really fresh.'" [Wall Street Journal, 7/24/96]

 

PROLIFIC, BUT HELL

Kevin Wendle, president of c|net Television and executive producer of two new shows, The Web and The New Edge: "We re-wrote the book on `tech TV' when we launched the integrated c|net Central/c|net.com package, and we're adding another chapter now, with the launch of our new two-hour programming block."

SUCKSEXUAL ANALYSIS QUIZ

Answer the following questions and find out what your sexual profile is!

[From "Cafe's new brew: experiment as high-tech marketing lab," San Jose Mercury News, 7/26/96]

 

1. "[Cal] Lai, chairman and chief executive of LVL Advertising, is planning an experimental retail store-cum-marketing laboratory in Palo Alto. And to encourage conversation and mingling it will all happen in a cafe that serves gourmet coffees, quiche, finger foods, beer and wine."

After reading this quote, the very first thought that comes into my head is:

a) shopping, mingling, drinking... fabulous!
b) "experimental" + "retail" = "failure"
c) real men don't eat quiche, particularly not in marketing laboratories
d) experimental, cum, mingling, serve, finger foods... Mmm.

 

2. "It [the cafe] will also be a place, he hopes, where people will linger and enjoy meeting others on the same bandwidth."

This quote makes me feel:

a) vindicated! Everyone knows a person with a 14.4 can hardly expect to attract someone with a T1.
b) worried. I can't afford a new modem - I may never get laid!
c) pleasantly surprised... to see the word "bandwidth" employed as an unspoken metaphor for intelligence - whoever wrote this piece has some serious pipes!
d) thrilled by the possibility of witnessing such inane interactions.
e) dirty.

 

3. "People need to touch and feel what they buy."

This quote:

a) makes me want to touch, feel, and buy.
b) makes me want to touch, feel, and not buy.
c) makes me want to touch, feel, and be bought.
d) makes me feel dirty.

 

4. "The aim of his experiment isn't to sell products, he says, but rather to gain insight into how consumers view his clients' products."

He's talking about:

a) free market research
b) free marketing research
c) an unremarkable search for free money
d) the batch of crack brownies he just ate

 

YOUR SEXUAL PROFILE!

If you picked three or more a's, you're a Sexual Consumer.

If you picked three or more b's, you're a Cheap-Thrill Seeker.

If you picked d, e, d, c - in that order - you're a Recovering Catholic.

If you picked b, d, c, d - in that order - you're a Cynical Lover.

 

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Sexual Consumer

You'd pay for sex... hell, you'd pay for almost anything! And that's a-okay for you, until you start slipping your spouse 20-spots just to get excited. At least you'll buy him or her some nice stuff to make up for it. Advice: Divert those sexual urges into something more productive, like a very fast, very expensive car.

 

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Cheap-Thrill Seeker

You won't pay for sex... hell, you won't pay for anything! And that's a-okay for you, as long as you hang with the moocher-friendly (See Also: Sexual Consumer). You don't have a job, but instead spend your time daydreaming of spontaneous orgies and unsolicited oral favors. Advice: Take up car racing or guitar playing - these people get laid easy, no money down.

 

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Recovering Catholic

You'll pay for sex... with years of guilt. A million Hail Marys have left you Waiting in Joyful Hope for the Coming of Your Savior... or whoever's in your bed at the time. You gave up being Seated at the Right Hand of the Father long ago, but - despite lingering feelings of naughtiness - your repressed upbringing has only strengthened your commitment to high-quality scrogging! Blessed Art Thou Among Lovers! Advice: Remember, sluts dreams DO come true!

 

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Cynical Lover

You'll say nothing for sex... that would make you feel cheap. So instead you compulsively insult and deconstruct people to get them into bed. And, hey! It works! You fancy yourself fairly skilled in the sack, yet your self-awareness keeps you from the glory of total abandonment on the mack. You're prone to post-coitus glib remarks that instantly spoil the happy afterglow, followed by a frank yet detailed analysis of sexuality in the human species. Advice: three words - suspension of disbelief.

 

[Filler Archive]

courtesy of
Polly Esther