for 24 July 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

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This week's Filler is dedicated to those Americans who devote their bodies to physically dominating non-Americans through organized sports, providing further proof that "America kicks butt!" We don't understand you, but we salute you!

 

TIPS FOR OLYMPIC COMPETITORS!

Problems getting in that victory zone? All you really need is...

 

A POP TO THE DOME

"The gold medal favorites were a little tight at first... but after center Lisa Leslie received a painful blow to the head - she called it 'a wakeup call' - they pulled away." [Reuters, 7/22/96]

 

SOME WEAK EXCUSES

China's women's gymnastics coach, Lu Shanzhen: "We are 13 people to one room... it probably will affect our team's performance." [New York Times, 7/19/96]

Michelle Granger, pitcher for the U.S. Olympic softball team, explaining her game against Puerto Rico: "I chalk it up to not being a morning person. Anything before 10 is too early for me." [Washington Post, 7/22/96]

 

A MARKETABLE AFFLICTION

"[Tom] Dolan is a medical train wreck. He has asthma. And allergies. And an unusually narrow windpipe... that makes life, never mind swimming, tough for Mr. Dolan - but it makes the man and his story, particularly if he wins one or more gold medals, all the more compelling for would-be sponsors." [Wall Street Journal, 7/19/96]

 

A STRONG VALUE SYSTEM

Shaquille O'Neal, after signing a reported $121 million contract: "I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, and wear Reebok." [New York Times, 7/19/96]

OTHER SUGGESTIONS!

Why should Shaq be the only one to mack? Everyone from the president to Alanis Morissette could get in on the "casual" endorsement bandwagon...

 

KATE MOSS

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BILL CLINTON

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MARC ANDREESSEN

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ALANIS MORISSETTE

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MICHAEL JORDAN

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WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS OR THE PEDOPHILE CHANNEL?

Stunts by Runts... "I tend to stay away from sports that trot out 14-year-olds whose athletic hopes rest on how much their growth can be stunted before they reach puberty." [Washington Post, 7/22/96]

 

Publicly Flogging Girls... Chinese [women's gymnastics] coach Kui Qian: "I am not satisfied. On our strongest events - bars and beam, we didn't show it. Our top athletes didn't come through." [Reuters, 7/22/96]

 

Tesh Drools for Fresh Flesh... "NBC's gymnastics coverage is dominated by the presence of the sometime majestic, somewhat unmistakable John Tesh. He is at once overdramatic, overwrought, overdone, overwhelming, overelaborate and overpowering..." [Washington Post, 7/22/96]

 

All for One Low, Low Price... "Women love to watch gymnastics for its artistry; men love to watch because it's cheaper than the Playboy Channel." [Washington Post, 7/22/96]

THE "WE'RE OH-SO SPECIAL" OLYMPICS

In honor of the bloated egos created by the Internet, several men and women are called forward to compete for the much-coveted Gold Medal in Supreme Arrogance...

 

THE LEAP O' FAITH

Participants go head-to-head in verbal duels concerning the financial viability of tech stocks. Scores depend on delusional assumptions, creative use of rationalization, and petty one-upmanship. Use of factual information constitutes a 10-point penalty.

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100-YARD CASH

Young digerati demonstrate the speed with which they can blow wallet within a 100-yard radius in Union Square, SF. Judges score on the timeliness, tastefulness, and utter uselessness of the purchases made. Extra points for complete disregard of sale prices, bargains, and out-of-season attire.

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THE HIGH DUMP

Participants pass the dummy pipe, then compete to determine who can most effectively corner unknowing victims and monopolize conversation with self-important yet undeniably deluded tales of the impending Digital Revolution (TM). Cutting-edge boner or worthless stoner? You make the call!

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THE UNEVEN PARALLEL STARS

Various CEOs and other self-proclaimed members of the digital elite pose at web launch parties, tossing out smug glances and self-congratulatory quips that indicate their superior position in the digital universe, a position attributed to a "bird's-eye view" of the industry, the "vision" of those involved in the company, or superior "brand recognition." Strutting continues until an attentive posse forms - bossman with the biggest posse and press following wins.

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[Filler Archive]

courtesy of
Polly Esther