for 3 July 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.


[Suck Depend.]

Just 7 months ago, Suck went from independent entity, embracing freedom and justice for all, to dependent subsidiary of HotWired, embracing 3 square meals and a good night's sleep for a few. In honor of over 200 days under Digerati rule, this issue of Filler focuses on those behind "the separate Suck," the real people who put the Suck in Success... us.

If such self-referential behavior disgusts you, just remember: If you could suck yourself, you would, too!

IF THERE BE PORN...

"In addition to Hotwired, there is the separate Suck, a daily tribute to raunchiness and sex that bills itself as "an experiment in provocation, deconstructionism and buzz-saw journalism.'' [San Francisco Chronicle, 6/21/96]

[Suck Mag]

 
  • Pissing People Off Turns Me On: One Man's Story

  • What Does a Cybergrrrl Want In Bed? Some Unbelievably Insulting Guesses

  • Fiction: My Night with the Son of Spam!

  • Glad-Handing with Weenies: Tips for Those Who Schmooze or Lose

  • Glad-Handing with Weenies: One-Handed Stunts That Won't Aggravate Carpal Tunnel
 

UM... YEAH, THAT'S IT...

"This daily purveyor of dyspeptic commentary [Suck] started virtually without capital. Now it pulls in a greater audience than HotWired, which bought it." [The San Francisco Examiner, 6/30/96]

[]

 

IT WAS SUCK, OR SIT AND SPIN...

"Many journalists take the Luddite view simply because the death-of-paper school strikes terror into their hearts. They goggle at the success of Suck, an irreverent - but probably profitable - electronic magazine put together by two youngsters in their spare time." [The Economist, 6/29/96]

[]

 

YOUNGSTERS OR PUNKERS?

"Take Suck. This irreverent, cynical and compact rant is published by a pack of seven San Francisco wireheads who don't hold a lot of respect for anything on the 'Net, let alone something like Slate." [Boston Globe, 6/24/96]

[]

THE SUCK PSYCHOGRAPHICS!

Forget those misleading demographics! Next time those ad men come knocking, tell them what they REALLY wanna know!

[]

SUCK READERS

42%

disgruntled tech employees

35%

lonely technolibertarians

13%

schizophrenics
manic depressives
obsessive-compulsives

9%

pathological liars
codependents
future serial killers
the massively insecure
the occasionally pissy
snotty college kids
alcoholics
power mongerers

1%

other, includes:
well-rounded individuals
positive thinkers
highly effective people

NEW SLOGANS FOR SUCK!

We'd like you, our gentle reader, to help us decide on our new slogan, which will be chanted during editorial meetings and tattooed on each of our right buttocks. Tell us which one of these slogans you'd like emblazoned across every Suck ass!

If It's Not Squeezably Soft, It's Probably Suck!

After All, What Doesn't Suck?

You Have Questions, We Have Assumptions...

Putting The Suck in Success!

And, From The Coke Archives...

Have a Suck and a Smile

Suck Adds Strife

I'd Like To Teach The World To Suck

Suck Is It!

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S SCREAMS...

Just a few of the worries that plague our feeble minds!

 

[]

What if Altoids cause cancer...

 

[]

What if the editors of Spiv hire a team of winged monkeys to pull us limb from limb...

 

[]

What if our readers figure out that it's not just cheap self-deprecation, we really ARE total morons, and a thin veil of sarcasm hides our soft, chewy centers like so much low-grade chocolate...

 

[]

What if Glenn Davis buys Wired and makes us his piss boys...

 

[]

What if we have a maturing, life-changing experience and we have to write with honesty or - God forbid - compassion (and Filler starts to look like Mary Worth)...

 

[]

What if George Burns really WAS God, and now he's dead...

STUPID SEARCH ON: "suck"

"Hom said he's been eating hard-boiled eggs while in the shower since his youth in the 1920's."

"Proclamation of Independence: [We] hereby declare the City and County of San Francisco to be a free and sovereign nation owing no allegiance to any other power. We reject The Great Satan, commonly known as the United States of America as a foreign invader."

"Fine people, if there's anything worse than typical management, it has to be books about management."

"He was, like many of his unfortunate gender, not too swift. He was also the skinniest, most putrid little bug I'd ever met in my whole life. I could have wrung his scrawny neck with my bare hands, and did indeed find great pleasure in beating him up into a mangled pathetic little lump several times."

"If you were hoping for us to provide some sort of tidy resolution to the lifestyles merchandising conundrum, we'd advise you to put down your crackpipe for a second and check your bearings - this is a low-rent cybercrap column, not a Chomsky reader."

"i don't like things that suck."

 

[Filler Archive]

courtesy of
Polly Esther