for 26 June 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.


WHEN YOU SCREW THE POOCH...

Public Relations 103: Damage Control!

1. Act Unconcerned

A spokesman for Canon: "We have heard that Nikon's new SLR is a good camera." [Reuters, 6/19/96]

2. Rationalize Bad Moves

Demi Moore, of her movie Striptease, in which she plays a single mom who must take a job stripping at "The Eager Beaver" to earn a living: "But even in those moments when I felt a kind of slight sick feeling in my stomach, like when I knew that the guy at the end of the stage was just desperate to see my tits, there was that other part where I walked away with a greater, freer sense of myself, a greater confidence." [George, 6/96]

3. Never Concede Defeat; Quietly Refocus

"By the end of the company's third quarter, all services currently on the AT&T Interchange online service will have moved to the Web, AT&T said." [Reuters, 6/17/96]

[Piggy Bank]

4. Throw Out Weak Metaphor to Distract, Confuse

"Although [Netscape chairman Jim] Clark did acknowledge that problems exist, he said that reports of security problems in Netscape Navigator were overplayed. 'Banks are robbed, but people still put their money in banks.'" [PC Magazine, 6/3/96]

ROBERT BLY SAY: WE GOT TROUBLE!

Clairvoyant Author of The Sibling Society Tells It Like It Is!

"This youth generation is the first in American history to feel they're not wanted."

 

"I'm getting the distinct feeling that I'm not wanted."

[Do Not Disturb]

 

"They're saying, if my parents want me, they would talk to me."

[No Talk]

 

"They wouldn't put me in front of a TV set."

[Squeezably Soft]

 

"If the culture wanted me, they would save jobs for me."

[No Fair]

 

"Instead, we're going to get more robots taking over people's jobs."

[Excuse Me]

 

[Robert Bly's quotes: Boston Globe, 6/18/96]

ONLY THE SEXY CAN...

Climb The Ladder... "9 out of 10 Americans agree that an attractive smile is an important social asset and three-fourths believe that an unattractive smile can hurt a person's chances for career success." [U.S. Newswire, 6/5/96]

Sell Books... A spokesperson for Vintage, regarding David Guterson's tour for his most recent book, Snow Falling On Cedars, which sold 1.3 million paperback copies: "It helped that he was goodlooking." [Entertainment Weekly, 6/ 21/96]

Marry "The Jerk"... From Martha Stewart's review of Father of the Bride Part II: "Diane Keaton just doesn't work as [Steve] Martin's wife. She's just not sexy or beautiful enough." [Entertainment Weekly, 6/21/96]

MAKING LUNCH (OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL)

Instant Psychoanalysis! Read the quote, think about it for a second (but not too long), then answer the multiple choice questions to find out Who You Are and What To Do About It!

Jim Griffin, Director of Technology for Geffen Records: "If your budget's being cut, you're just not having lunch with the right people." [LAN Times, 6/10/96]

The Questions:

1. Reading this quote makes me feel:

a) warm and fuzzy
b) cold and prickly
c) proud of myself
d) proud to be an American

2. I realize now that I am:

a) not having lunch with the right people
b) not having the right people for lunch
c) just as good as Jim Griffin - or anyone else, for that matter
d) having lunch with the right people

3. In terms of my career, this comment makes me feel:

a) READY TO FOCUS on a solution to the obstacles ahead, including immediate plans to interface with some major names and workshop some quick fixes for the problems that lie in our path.
b) CHEAP for working in an industry in which having lunch with the right people is a basic strategy for success. It makes me want to sell my Armani suit and head for the land of the lotus eaters...
c) GLAD that I'm not threatened by this statement, because I'm big enough to be accepting of all different kinds of people.
d) EXCITED about the possibilities created by the digital revolution, in which even assholes like myself can make tall dollars and influence other assholes like myself just by talking shit over a plate of mahi-mahi.

4. If I were having lunch with Jim Griffin, I would:

a) order something easy to eat, so as not to spill on my shirt, thus spoiling a potential win-win business alliance.
b) be schmoozing in the hopes that he could get my band's demo tape in the hands of someone over there at Geffen, but it would make me feel really cheap and pretentious.
c) feel threatened, but luckily my therapist and I have been developing some strategies for coping with such a reaction.
d) be wasting my time - who the hell is he?

Your Score:

If you at least 3 As, you're
Brainwashed.
If you got at least 3 Bs, you're a
Deluded Socialist/Artiste.
If you got at least 3 Cs, you're a
Very Sensitive Person Avec Issues.
If you got at least 3 Ds, you're
Destined to Succeed.
If you got any combination not described above, you're
Wishy-Washy.

Your Analysis:

 

[Brainwashed]

Brainwashed

You're a TQM expert, and you've read "The One Minute Manager" 20 times. You're currently taking a course on Overcoming Your Fear of Success. You hate the stupid fucks at Suck (such negative energy!) and your daily return to this site reflects an underlying self-destructive urge, caused by your mother scolding you too much as a child. Advice: Seek professional help.

 

[Deluded]

Deluded Socialist/Artiste

You drink a $3 latte every morning, but continue to pay lip service to the proletariat. You shudder at the sight of silk ties and often wax philosophic on the perils of corporate culture. You have some creative hobbies you refer to as your raison d'être. Money makes you feel dirty, but you're still living beyond your means. You hate the stupid fucks at Suck, because they're sell-outs, but return daily because every minute spent online is a minute spent wasting your corporate employer's dollars, and thus, subverting the dominant paradigm. And because your job is boring. Advice: Get more sleep. Move into a cheaper appartment and quit your day job. Consider Prozac.

 

[Sensitive]

Very Sensitive Person Avec Issues

What are you doing here?

 

[Destined]

Destined to Succeed

Every day you thank God that it's the white American males who get to drive Lexi. You've recently developed a heightened appreciation for grilled fish. You hate Suck because they're just a bunch of pencil-necked nerds who don't know shit about who The Real Movers and Shakers are; you only read it because other people do, and it's important to be up on those kinds of thing. Your mother hated you. Advice: Just remember one thing: they like you 'cause you're rich.

 

[Wishy-Washy]

Wishy-Washy

We have absolutely no idea what you're all about and neither do you. Advice: Keep up the good work!

STUPID SEARCH ON: "lunch + idiot"

"Although last issue was by no means our best issue, it could be construed as being the most controversial issue to date. Parents: Loving Folks or Evil Hell Demons? drew some flak, as did some other articles, but the most attention was centered on Women are Evil."

"If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own pancreas to live."

"Intoxicated guests will receive preferential treatment. The sober suckers can wait! "Liquid Lunch" is for alcoholics, not wannabes!"

"Mr. Former-Fame-TV-star Attorney shows up and gets Amanda to sign some legal papers... and, as if it isn't already inappropriate enough, she signs the papers by pressing down on Jack's closed casket."

"We met Corinne, Paulette, and Anna at the station. Anna is an old friend of Charmaine and Corinne. Her older sister was eaten by a shark while scuba diving when she and Charmaine were children. I think they never found her head."

[Undesirable]

"Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously stapling or gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their jackets. This works best if you live in one of the seedier parts of town. It costs much less than a hit man, and it's perfectly legal. I think."

 

courtesy of
Polly Esther