for 5 June 1996 Updated every WEDNESDAY.


Your Former Success Haunts You Forever... Johnny Mathis, on his recent song, which hit the charts at 119 and stayed for only a week: "Music is like food or sex. You either like it or you don't." [Time, 6/3]


Mid-Life Career Changes Are Ill-Advised... "After a decade as the toothsome cohost of Entertainment Tonight, John Tesh, 43, announced that he's leaving the show to pursue his music career full-time." [Entertainment Weekly, 5/31]

People Say Mean Things About You... "Marc Canter... whose ego may be exceeded only by his waistline..." [Flux, 5/21]

You Have To Talk To The Common Man... After a brief endorsement for some VR goggles at E3, Michael Douglas, in response to a question by a fan, muttered, "Just go buy the fucking thing, okay?" [Entertainment Weekly, 5/31]

Your Words Are Taken Out Of Context... Aliza Sherman, Cybergrrl: "People are always saying to me, 'Why are you just doing women?'" [, 5/30]


"Having recovered from the embarassing disclosure that her Wal-Mart clothing line was made in Honduran sweatshops, [Kathie Lee Gifford] was told that one item, a faux-antique blouse, was manufactured in a New York City plant where workers were grossly underpaid... She dispatched her husband, TV sports presenter Frank, to hand out envelopes containing $300 each to some of the workers - accompanied by a publicist, natch." [Time, 6/3]


Fix those pesky negative perceptions and "bad press" problems with a timely "hidden" camera!


Perception: The President of Our Great Nation is whipped, and a wuss, to boot.

Cure: Bill at home, bullying Hilary!

[Clinton] Who's the boss? Who's the boss? That's right, I'M the boss, and don't you forget it, biatch.


Perception: Microsoft led by a "ruthless dirtball" who dominates industry through unfair practices.

Cure: Bill Gates at home, losing at Monopoly!

[Gates] Community Chest: Go to Justice Department. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 billion.


Perception: Netscape founder is now just a useless doughboy.

Cure: Marc Andreessen at his desk! (Just like he's working and stuff!)



Perception: The editors of Spiv, Stim are illiterate, shoot up too much.

Cure: Spiv/Stim editors, reading!

[Spiv/Stim Editors] Phascinating stuph!


Perception: "Salon: A Website for People Who Read"

Cure: Salon editors, shooting up!

[Salon Editors] Uhhhh.... huh. <gurgle> Out... rageous.


Perception: Suck is just "snottiness on autopilot."

Cure: Sucksters at the helm, popping Prozac!

[Suck Fish] Oh joy! What a beautiful, beautiful day for a flight!


1. Pull up the yummiest website around - Suck!
2. Call (703) 648-7777.
3. Repeat as necessary for your listening pleasure.



Venture capitalist John Doerr of Kleiner Perkins: "I'm one of the few crazies... who believes it's very possible the Internet has been underhyped instead of overhyped... I predict over the next 90 days Java is going to be like a drug you rub over venture capitalists and they go crazy." [Reuters, 5/30]

"Pamela [Anderson Lee] is... not just a blonde, she's a Blonde Goddess. Jayne Mansfield was a blonde; Marilyn Monroe was a Blonde Goddess. The B.G. is a dream, a living, breathing phantasm of physical love - the genie who escapes from your genitalia when rubbed hard enough." [Vanity Fair, 5/96]


"I've always had a difficult time defining what I think cool is. A reporter once asked me whether I meant something was 'Beavis and Butthead cool' or 'James Dean cool.' My response was, 'It's Glenn Davis cool.'" [Websight, April 96]


Gregory Salgado, sales director for the world's first residential building with high-speed direct Internet access in all its apartments, located in the East Village: "The main thing we have is the proximity of all these outrageously cool people." [Reuters, 5/23]

STUPID SEARCH ON: "unbelievably cool"

[Russian Kids]

"My child plays with actual Russian children, not just one but lots of them! This is so unbelievably cool!"

"[I]n one scene from Prison on Fire, Chow is Cary Grant taking a dump... And yes, through it all, Chow is cool."

"He was in the same World History class with me my sophomore year in H.S... One class period he single handedly used a presentation on fascism to take over the class."

"Now was the time to act. I leapt over the glistening fluorescent railing and delivered an unbelievably cool kick to Raphael's chest... As Crank Girl swung a fist my direction, I grabbed her arm and prepared to flip her like a burger."

"I can say, with absolute certainty, that if this publication used the traditional print medium, [it] would already be dead."


courtesy of
Polly Esther