for 5 June 1996 Updated every WEDNESDAY.



THE RISING PRICE OF FAME

Your Former Success Haunts You Forever... Johnny Mathis, on his recent song, which hit the charts at 119 and stayed for only a week: "Music is like food or sex. You either like it or you don't." [Time, 6/3]

[Me]

Mid-Life Career Changes Are Ill-Advised... "After a decade as the toothsome cohost of Entertainment Tonight, John Tesh, 43, announced that he's leaving the show to pursue his music career full-time." [Entertainment Weekly, 5/31]

People Say Mean Things About You... "Marc Canter... whose ego may be exceeded only by his waistline..." [Flux, 5/21]

You Have To Talk To The Common Man... After a brief endorsement for some VR goggles at E3, Michael Douglas, in response to a question by a fan, muttered, "Just go buy the fucking thing, okay?" [Entertainment Weekly, 5/31]

Your Words Are Taken Out Of Context... Aliza Sherman, Cybergrrl: "People are always saying to me, 'Why are you just doing women?'" [Nando.net, 5/30]

FORGET LOVE, GOOD PR IS ALL YOU NEED

"Having recovered from the embarassing disclosure that her Wal-Mart clothing line was made in Honduran sweatshops, [Kathie Lee Gifford] was told that one item, a faux-antique blouse, was manufactured in a New York City plant where workers were grossly underpaid... She dispatched her husband, TV sports presenter Frank, to hand out envelopes containing $300 each to some of the workers - accompanied by a publicist, natch." [Time, 6/3]

CANDID PR CAMERA!

Fix those pesky negative perceptions and "bad press" problems with a timely "hidden" camera!

 

Perception: The President of Our Great Nation is whipped, and a wuss, to boot.

Cure: Bill at home, bullying Hilary!

[Clinton] Who's the boss? Who's the boss? That's right, I'M the boss, and don't you forget it, biatch.

 

Perception: Microsoft led by a "ruthless dirtball" who dominates industry through unfair practices.

Cure: Bill Gates at home, losing at Monopoly!

[Gates] Community Chest: Go to Justice Department. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 billion.

 

Perception: Netscape founder is now just a useless doughboy.

Cure: Marc Andreessen at his desk! (Just like he's working and stuff!)

[Andreessen]

 

Perception: The editors of Spiv, Stim are illiterate, shoot up too much.

Cure: Spiv/Stim editors, reading!

[Spiv/Stim Editors] Phascinating stuph!

 

Perception: "Salon: A Website for People Who Read"

Cure: Salon editors, shooting up!

[Salon Editors] Uhhhh.... huh. <gurgle> Out... rageous.

 

Perception: Suck is just "snottiness on autopilot."

Cure: Sucksters at the helm, popping Prozac!

[Suck Fish] Oh joy! What a beautiful, beautiful day for a flight!

SUCK: NOW WITH SOUND!

1. Pull up the yummiest website around - Suck!
2. Call (703) 648-7777.
3. Repeat as necessary for your listening pleasure.

BETTER RUB HARDER...

[Rub]

Venture capitalist John Doerr of Kleiner Perkins: "I'm one of the few crazies... who believes it's very possible the Internet has been underhyped instead of overhyped... I predict over the next 90 days Java is going to be like a drug you rub over venture capitalists and they go crazy." [Reuters, 5/30]

"Pamela [Anderson Lee] is... not just a blonde, she's a Blonde Goddess. Jayne Mansfield was a blonde; Marilyn Monroe was a Blonde Goddess. The B.G. is a dream, a living, breathing phantasm of physical love - the genie who escapes from your genitalia when rubbed hard enough." [Vanity Fair, 5/96]

GLENN DAVIS QUOTE O' THE WEEK

"I've always had a difficult time defining what I think cool is. A reporter once asked me whether I meant something was 'Beavis and Butthead cool' or 'James Dean cool.' My response was, 'It's Glenn Davis cool.'" [Websight, April 96]

IT'S NYC COOL

Gregory Salgado, sales director for the world's first residential building with high-speed direct Internet access in all its apartments, located in the East Village: "The main thing we have is the proximity of all these outrageously cool people." [Reuters, 5/23]

STUPID SEARCH ON: "unbelievably cool"

[Russian Kids]

"My child plays with actual Russian children, not just one but lots of them! This is so unbelievably cool!"

"[I]n one scene from Prison on Fire, Chow is Cary Grant taking a dump... And yes, through it all, Chow is cool."

"He was in the same World History class with me my sophomore year in H.S... One class period he single handedly used a presentation on fascism to take over the class."

"Now was the time to act. I leapt over the glistening fluorescent railing and delivered an unbelievably cool kick to Raphael's chest... As Crank Girl swung a fist my direction, I grabbed her arm and prepared to flip her like a burger."

"I can say, with absolute certainty, that if this publication used the traditional print medium, [it] would already be dead."

 

courtesy of
Polly Esther