for 29 May 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

ANGER IS RAD, OLIVIER IS BRAD, POPE DIGS FAD, LARRY GOES BAD

"Anger is so hot, so cool, that everybody - women, white men, gays, immigrants - is into it." [San Francisco Chronicle, 5/24]

"Already Martinez has been called 'the French Brad Pitt,' even though he has black hair and dark eyes and doesn't look at all stupid or self-absorbed." [San Francisco Chronicle, 5/21]

[Pope]

"The Vatican ordered a hundred pairs of 'Doc Martens' boots from their makers, R. Griggs of Northampton, including a pair for the pope - in white, to match his vestments." [The Economist, 3/96]

"Oracle Corp. chief executive Larry Ellison on Monday will start naming names..." [San Francisco Chronicle, 5/16]

FLASH! GOOD NEWS FOR DUMBASSES!

"I'm writing about classical composers... I've never written about music or studied the people who make it... But ignorance, in the new electronic literature, isn't always an obstacle." [Harper's, June 96]

CAREERS FOR DUMMIES

Looking for a job? Kinda dumb? Try one o' these careers on for size!

PUBLIC RELATIONS SPECIALIST

Also Known As:
media handler

See Also:
PR stooge

Helpful Skills:

  • perky phone voice
  • gullability
  • shiny hair, perfectly separated lashes

    Potential Impediments To Success:

  • inability to deliver bold-faced lies with a smile
  • self-respect

    Favorite Quote:
    "We're working on a solution for that right now."

    Ignorance An Obstacle?
    No Sir!

     

    ART DIRECTOR

    Also Known As:
    creative

    See Also:
    prima donna

    Helpful Skills:

  • 2 functional hands
  • hypochondria
  • color-blindness

    Potential Impediments To Success:

  • artistic ability
  • taste

    Favorite Quote:
    "Whatever."

    Ignorance An Obstacle?
    Never!

     

    CEO

    Also Known As:
    the bossman

    See Also:
    fucking dick

    Helpful Skills:

  • aptitude at being white, male
  • self-importance
  • split personality (schmoozer, dickhead)

    Potential Impediments To Success:

  • self-awareness
  • suspicions re: hierarchical structures
  • allergies to gold, leather, cash

    Favorite Quote:
    "We expect next quarter's profits to far exceed our expectations."
    OR
    "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." [Darth Vader]

    Ignorance An Obstacle?
    No, Nellie! (Think: cue cards, slides, piss boys)

     

    NEW MEDIA UPPER MANAGEMENT

    Also Known As:
    the bossguy

    See Also:
    "Who the hell does he think he is?"

    Helpful Skills:

  • aptitude at being white, male, paired with "concern" for non-whites, non-males
  • self-importance, paired with affected self-deprecation
  • split personality (subtle schmoozer, subtle dickhead)

    Potential Impediments To Success:

  • inability to take shit from self-important, idealistic (read: naive) underlings
  • clumsiness in straddling the "everyone should have a voice"/"shut your trap" fence
  • a pragmatic, coherent vision
  • management experience

    Favorite Quote:
    "I never wanted to be a boss. But I am one now, so fucking do what I say, punk!"

    Ignorance An Obstacle?
    Nay! (Think: PowerPoint presentations, hot young piss boys to swiftly fetch double lattes upon command)

     

    NEW MEDIA JOURNALIST

    Also Known As:
    hack

    See Also:
    "This guy is on crack."

    Helpful Skills:

  • shitty attitude
  • lack of attention to detail
  • vomit-inducing pretensions, garnered from vague memories of a college Lit Theory class

    Potential Impediments To Success:

  • integrity
  • evenhanded, moderate opinions
  • reporting experience

    Favorite Quote:
    "I'm not a real journalist, but I play one on the Web!"

    Ignorance An Obstacle?
    Ha! Ignorance is a value-add.

  • THE YOUNG AND THE FECKLESS

    "[T]his thing called the Internet is rewriting all the rules... entrepreneurs with the potent ingredients of youth, skill and verve are able to exploit opportunities in a medium all too few yet fully grasp." [Reuters, 5/20]

    [Geek with mike]

    LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH YET LAMEST

    c|net is planning a nationally syndicated weekly television series, TV.COM, which "will focus on the people and the places of the Internet and the World Wide Web." The release says it will be "positioned as the 'Entertainment Tonight' of the Internet." [Reuters, 5/20]

    BATTLESTAR SNACKTICA

    Mike Lawson, C.E.O. of Space Marketing, regarding Pepsi's move to film the world's first commercial in space: "We have successfully joined together... to go where no advertiser has ever gone before to promote their product." [PRNewswire, 4/2]

    CYBER-WORD O' THE DAY!

    Ann Duvall, president of SurfWatch: "Corporations are just starting to understand what their needs are, and what cyberloafing is all about." [Reuters, 5/17]

    GLENN DAVIS QUOTE O' THE WEEK

    "Our society has been shaped by both technology and creativity. For example, look at television."

    STUPID SEARCH ON: "good content"

    "As an example of good content, they showed a short, 4 minute news clip taken from a Seattle news program. The story dealt with the citizens of an Oregon seaside town attempting to get rid of a beached one ton whale by blowing it up... the explosion created a mess of blood and whale parts all over town, including a huge chunk of blubber that landed on a resident's brand new car..."

    "Hey, We're gonna be in Daytona from April 4-11. We're flying in from Mich, and we're underage, so we need a buyer. If you can help us out E-mail me."

    [Intern]

    "Peter Seibel, a Web technologist at Mother Jones, said the magazine employs just one full-time person and a handful of unpaid interns to do almost all of the work on the site."

    "The next time an engineer involved in product development pushes for a product enhancement, listen politely, of course. But... move that idea to the bottom of the list. If the engineers want to build it, that's often one reason not to do it."

     

    courtesy of
    Polly Esther