for 1 May 1996. Updated every WEDNESDAY.

FILLER: EARLY INFLUENCES! Severe head trauma I told you not to touch that Noogie-inducing behavior After School Special featuring a know-it-all plagued by self-doubt After School Special featuring Scott Baio on the evils of marijuana use ("You're just a stoner, Jack! That's what they all call you at school! Super Stone Jack!") No Ice Cream Man in our neighborhood RAID-sniffing dares Ugly bacon grease incident Falling and skinning knee badly after playing ant hospital and thinking it must be an Act of God Painful flip-flops Nanny nanny boo boo stick your head in doo doo Loose bathing suits Cutting self while chopping legs off Barbie and thinking it must be an Act of Barbie M-M-M-My Sharona Why don't you play outside for awhile? Mom, it's cold out here... Mom?

99% OF WHAT FILLER WILL INCLUDE falsified statistics stuff we found in our desks give me a fucking break blatant ass-licking blatant rip-offs blatant self- promotion pure tomfoolery sensationalist gossip dummy-pipe- induced crap smug holier- than-thou-isms industry glad-handing lame attempts at stirring up controversy toe cheese cheap shots at [insert your name here] well thought-out analysis of [insert someone else's name here]

STUPID SEARCHES: SEARCH ON "FILLER"! "Rob Filler's experience in the Janitorial industry goes back a long way, working with some of the most well-known names in the industry..." "Mavis, what is that, and why is it hairy?" "Your support of quality filler is appreciated, and will likely get you into heaven." "This is just filler. Ignore."

courtesy of Polly Esther