DAILY ESSAYS 1996
 
  Dec 1996
 

31 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"In 1997, people will eat mo r e..."

30 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"In 1997, newcomers t o t h e..."

27 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"In mid-1997, publicist s w i l l..."

26 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"In 1997, much brainpowe r a n d..."

25 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"AOL, in a desperate attemp t t o..."

24 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"In 1997, there will be a fil m..."

23 Dec 1996


The Sucksters Predict
"As the dinosaur known as 'onli n e..."

20 Dec 1996


Toys for Naught
"The holy trinity of televisi o n ,..."

19 Dec 1996


Hit & Run LXV
"What with the headach e s o f..."

18 Dec 1996


Memes to an End
"It takes more than a meme to lead..."

17 Dec 1996


Programming Ad Hawk
"You may have read recently th a t..."

16 Dec 1996


Enlightened Self-Disinterest
"As if the ghost of Malthus wer e..."

13 Dec 1996


That's Motivation
"Creating a stylishly casual w o r k..."

12 Dec 1996


Hit & Run LXIV
"Ever since Texas passed its l a w..."

11 Dec 1996


MIDI Vanilli
"Last time sales were flatlin i n g..."

10 Dec 1996


Angles in the Outfield
"Something's rotten in the st a t e..."

9 Dec 1996


Retrogressive Behavior
"Remember when the web inspi r e d..."

6 Dec 1996


A Piece of the Action
"It's bad enough when techni c a l..."

5 Dec 1996


Hit & Run LXIII
"How many times can the Apocalyp s e..."

4 Dec 1996


Bad Sports
"Before this fall, fa n s o f..."

3 Dec 1996


Book Mobile
"Henry David Thoreau. He sho u l d..."

2 Dec 1996


911
"When we last saw Oedipa Maas, sh e..."

 
  Nov 1996
 

28 Nov 1996


Hit & Run LXII
"With the merciful passage of t h e..."

27 Nov 1996


Fire This Time
"Did you make it to Burning Ma n..."

26 Nov 1996


Digital Evolution
"What if you threw a Digit a l..."

25 Nov 1996


Royale with Cheese
"It would take a cunning lingui s t..."

22 Nov 1996


Promiscuous Consumption
"Sometimes exhibitionists ma k e t h e..."

21 Nov 1996


Hit & Run LXI
"While advertising incanta t i o n s..."

20 Nov 1996


Get A Lifestyles
"Iron John rusted out, and T h e..."

19 Nov 1996


Milking It
"Just when everything seemed t o b e..."

18 Nov 1996


Pretty Good Deal
"At the young age of 24, it' s..."

15 Nov 1996


Anywhere, USA
"The joke's on Hillary: Villa g e s..."

14 Nov 1996


Hit & Run LX
"With his wax-museum 'good loo k s '..."

13 Nov 1996


The Mediatrix
"Lynne Russell puts the 'top ' i n..."

12 Nov 1996


All the World's a Stage
"When Marshall McLuhan descr i b e d..."

11 Nov 1996


Dream Girl
"Thomas Pynchon's Lotion inter v i e w..."

8 Nov 1996


The Third Time As 'Tragedy'
"Good morning - or, as Leonar d o..."

7 Nov 1996


Hit & Run LIX
"Ah, those hazy days of yor e ,..."

6 Nov 1996


Ashes to ASCII
"Given the volatil e l i f e..."

5 Nov 1996


Character Assassination
"As the global directi v e t o..."

4 Nov 1996


Sick and Wired
"Just as the Christmas shopp i n g..."

1 Nov 1996


Cringe Factor
"Everyone blames Andy Warho l f o r..."

 
  Oct 1996
 

31 Oct 1996


Hit & Run LVIII
"When TV viewers lost interes t i n..."

30 Oct 1996


New York Minute
"If no news is good news, the n..."

29 Oct 1996


Selfish Gini
"Suddenly evolution isn't wh a t i t..."

28 Oct 1996


Robust Aroma
"Just do it,' 'Put it in your head,'..."

25 Oct 1996


Thinking of You
"Underneath its ageless vei l s o f..."

24 Oct 1996


Hit & Run LVII
"New York's American Museum of t h e..."

23 Oct 1996


Screaming in a Vacuum
"IRC, at its best, is a chance to..."

22 Oct 1996


Eurotrashed
"There was a period - n o t..."

21 Oct 1996


Rebel Without a Pause
"The quiet that's fallen over t h e..."

18 Oct 1996


Master of Ceremony
"The presidential debate s a r e a..."

17 Oct 1996


Hit & Run LVI
"Snapple may have taken a bath i n..."

16 Oct 1996


Bottoms Up
"The giant sucking sound com i n g..."

15 Oct 1996


How Many Licks?
"Kids don't dream of becom i n g..."

14 Oct 1996


Biting the Hand at Feed
"If you've gotten this far, y o u..."

11 Oct 1996


Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
"The fashion arc may swing fr o m..."

10 Oct 1996


Hit & Run LV
"Rock 'n' roll was sell i n g..."

9 Oct 1996


Must-c|net TV?
"The other night, as I endured th e..."

8 Oct 1996


Ugly Sticks
"Consider the old insult - or wa s..."

7 Oct 1996


You Won't
"An African-American profess i o n a l..."

4 Oct 1996


Back In The Bottle
"Like most good ideas, Six Degre e s..."

3 Oct 1996


Hit & Run LIV
"The web is a powerful solvent, t o..."

2 Oct 1996


Bizarro World
"Marvel Comics creator-tu r n e d -..."

1 Oct 1996


Adman Agonistes
"They do it for gold, not glory ."

 
  Sep 1996
 

30 Sep 1996


Angels and Insects
"As year-round schools and ot h e r..."

27 Sep 1996


Politics is the Art of the Gullible
"As unsurprising as precipi t o u s..."

26 Sep 1996


Hit & Run LIII
"The problem with computers , y o u..."

25 Sep 1996


Steal This Article
"Not so long ago, in another life ,..."

24 Sep 1996


Genius Envy
"In the go-go days of the '80s art..."

23 Sep 1996


The 1:1 Republic
"He's been shut out of t h e..."

20 Sep 1996


Number One With A Hail of Bullets
"Ladies and gentleme n : t h e..."

19 Sep 1996


Hit & Run LII
"The Oscars? Mel Gibson won seve n !..."

18 Sep 1996


Waterworld
"Do you feel overwhelm e d b y..."

17 Sep 1996


Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself
"Perhaps it takes a politic i a n..."

16 Sep 1996


Childhood's End
"Hello , w o r l d ."

13 Sep 1996


Swimming Up the Mainstream
"Money might be the world's mo s t..."

12 Sep 1996


Hit & Run LI
"Here's a newsflash that fill s u s..."

11 Sep 1996


Hollywood Babbles On
"Invented by the barely liter a t e..."

10 Sep 1996


Just Do Yourself
"Masturbation has been tout e d a s..."

9 Sep 1996


Saturday Morning Massacre
"So now the government wa n t s..."

6 Sep 1996


Weenie Roast
"The Greatest Show on Ea r t h..."

5 Sep 1996


Hit & Run L
"But in order to get po l e..."

4 Sep 1996


You Are Here
"In the guide to early '9 0 s..."

3 Sep 1996


Lights...Camera...Jive!
"Screw Hallmark, screw Cr a t e &..."

2 Sep 1996


OK Marketing
Things are going to be OK (TM)

 
  Aug 1996
 

30 Aug 1996


Smells Like Team Spirit
"Fantasy league football ki c k e d..."

29 Aug 1996


Hit & Run XLIX
"John Williams's departur e f r o m..."

28 Aug 1996


Suckiversary
"Suck is a year older today. Ar e..."

27 Aug 1996


White Riot
"Remember the whole conce p t o f..."

26 Aug 1996


Fashions of the Times
"We began to notice a tellta l e..."

23 Aug 1996


A Lovin' Swoonful
"The commercialization of e v e r y..."

22 Aug 1996


Hit & Run XLVIII
"Those of us who keep Fa s t..."

21 Aug 1996


Step Right Up
"Sometimes you're trappe d . Y o u..."

20 Aug 1996


It's The Terminal, Dummy!
"Everyone wants to stan d f o r..."

19 Aug 1996


What I Saw at the Digital Revolution
"The brief history of the net ca n..."

16 Aug 1996


Net-crophilia
"So Phil Anselmo of Pant e r a..."

15 Aug 1996


Hit & Run XLVII
"Amid all the hoop l a o f..."

14 Aug 1996


"You've got litigation!"
"There's been a strange shif t i n..."

13 Aug 1996


Passive Aggressive
"From the avant-garde to Activ e X ,..."

12 Aug 1996


To Err is Human, to Crash, Divine
"When Animals Attack isn' t t h e..."

9 Aug 1996


Credit Check
"AOL is free. Perfectly free . I n..."

8 Aug 1996


Hit & Run XLVI
"Every office has a coupl e o f..."

7 Aug 1996


Sub-Middle Management Worksick Blues
"I thought I knew how to negotiat e..."

6 Aug 1996


Faster, Pussycat! Click! Click!
"The web's open-admission po l i c y..."

5 Aug 1996


Mid-Hype Crisis
"Forget failing st o c k s ,..."

2 Aug 1996


Free Range Beef
"The cyber-frontier metaphor m a k e s..."

1 Aug 1996


Hit & Run XLV
"Fresh in their new corporasphe r e ,..."

 
  Jul 1996
 

31 Jul 1996


Take My Advice - Please!
"In 1987, when still-frisk y s o b..."

30 Jul 1996


Nothing for Nothing
"The best things in life are free ."

29 Jul 1996


Anti Alias
"A manhunt always make s f o r..."

26 Jul 1996


Golden Shower
"The AP may have just declared th e..."

25 Jul 1996


Hit & Run XLIV
"What's in a name? Legal threa t s..."

24 Jul 1996


What the Market Will Bare
"Fortified with Dramamin e a n d a..."

23 Jul 1996


Fear and Coding
"Bumper stickers have becom e t h e..."

22 Jul 1996


Big Money, Little Clue
"Figuring that all we know abo u t..."

19 Jul 1996


Prime Time Gold Mine
"If you were born after 1946, yo u..."

18 Jul 1996


Hit & Run XLIII
"In the mess of mega-me d i a..."

17 Jul 1996


Even Better Than the Real Thing
"Despite the plethora of availa b l e..."

16 Jul 1996


Search and Destroy
"No official record exists to te l l..."

15 Jul 1996


Packet FishRman
"In the wild kingd o m o f..."

12 Jul 1996


Things that Go Boom in Night
"As surely as sweaters in a Sa n..."

11 Jul 1996


Hit & Run XLII
"What's it take to get a littl e..."

10 Jul 1996


Unsafe at Any Speed
"Those who refuse to learn fr o m..."

9 Jul 1996


Unsafe at Any Speed
"Cadillacs used to be foun d o n..."

8 Jul 1996


The Truth Is Way Out There
"In the past twenty years, alie n s..."

4 Jul 1996


Hit & Run XLI
"Tragicomedy: it's not onl y o u r..."

3 Jul 1996


Hobby Hoarse
"What lobbyists are to politi c s ,..."

2 Jul 1996


Money Changes Everything
"It seems that the concep t o f..."

1 Jul 1996


Glutteous Magneticus
"The arrival in many state s o f..."

 
  Jun 1996
 

28 Jun 1996


Wiping the Slate Clean
"It's the principle that gove r n s..."

27 Jun 1996


Hit & Run XL
"There are those that c a l l..."

26 Jun 1996


Sex and the Single URL
"Ok, so you've exchanged sm o k y..."

25 Jun 1996


Come On Down
"There's a new twist to the stal e..."

24 Jun 1996


Dining with Cannibals
"Soyle n t G r e e n..."

21 Jun 1996


America's Most Affronted
"America's Most Wan t e d a t..."

20 Jun 1996


Hit & Run XXXIX
"It's 10 A.M. and you're perch e d..."

19 Jun 1996


Drunk on Futurism
"Futurism isn't what it used to be -..."

18 Jun 1996


Just Your @#$*ing Type
"There oughta be a word (if not a..."

17 Jun 1996


What, Are You On Drugs?
"Self-induced catatonia has al w a y s..."

14 Jun 1996


As Baud As They Want Him To Be
"Like most media hounds, th e i r..."

13 Jun 1996


Hit & Run XXXVIII
"It's an inescapable fact t h a t..."

12 Jun 1996


The Empower Rangers
"The under-12 demographic fol l o w s..."

11 Jun 1996


Sibling Rhapsody
"Remember Billy Ca r t e r ?..."

10 Jun 1996


Flack Jacket
"If it consumes bandwidth, i t ' s..."

7 Jun 1996


First Online Story
"The Internet, besides b e i n g..."

6 Jun 1996


Hit & Run XXXVII
"It's hard to forge a successf u l..."

5 Jun 1996


A Touch of Gray
"A whole new group of lemmings ha s..."

4 Jun 1996


Find Your Own Road
"I have a dream. A dream of mythic..."

3 Jun 1996


use.net
"They ride into town, pit c h a..."

 
  May 1996
 

31 May 1996


The Usual Suspects
"To: Dobbs Operation: Tower of Babble Status:..."

30 May 1996


Hit & Run XXXVI
"It's difficult for us to disli k e..."

29 May 1996


Ye of Little Faith
"Trend analyst Faith Popco r n i s..."

28 May 1996


Shlock Soup
"Retirement's always a good wa y t o..."

27 May 1996


Legal Unease
"The reservoir of content cal l e d..."

24 May 1996


not.investing
"It's high time we took a seriou s..."

23 May 1996


Hit & Run XXXV
"Rats to Katz: On the Web, ther e..."

22 May 1996


One-To-None Marketing
"Time and time again, gro o v y..."

21 May 1996


Pezzling Evidence
"Now I'm not deriding the fi n e..."

20 May 1996


ShowJobs
"Francisco and land a job at on e..."

17 May 1996


Cheat Sheet
"What defines genius? Cult u r a l..."

16 May 1996


Hit & Run XXXIV
"Our New Yorker arrived late , s o..."

15 May 1996


Mission Implausible
"In a country where carbona t e d..."

14 May 1996


Tooning Out
"It's been some time since t h e..."

13 May 1996


Deus In Machina
"The only thing that mi g h t..."

10 May 1996


Missed Manners
"At once an admission that the ne w..."

9 May 1996


Hit & Run XXXIII
"Faithful readers of Suck wil l n o..."

8 May 1996


Shrink Rap
"Some days, life can seem crusti e r..."

7 May 1996


What's My Line?
"Coyly multicultural I B M a d s..."

6 May 1996


New Media Exhumed
"In years past, flipping some o n e..."

3 May 1996


Vice Grip
"No one excels in the realm o f..."

2 May 1996


Hit & Run XXXII
"We hope Colors's disavow a l o f..."

1 May 1996


Broke And Broker
"A quick scan of the digit a l..."

 
  Apr 1996
 

30 Apr 1996


Fringe Groupies
"The devil made them do i t ."

29 Apr 1996


Leave The Conniving To Us
"The service was introduced l a s t..."

26 Apr 1996


I Want My MTV, Too
"According to the show-biz tr a d e..."

25 Apr 1996


Hit & Run XXXI
"Yahoo dropped the soap. In t h e..."

24 Apr 1996


Talk Was Cheap
"Prior to Patent No. 174,4 6 5 ,..."

23 Apr 1996


Way New Fetishism
"Social activists may r a l l y..."

22 Apr 1996


Radio Radio
"Call it shovelware with rab b i t..."

19 Apr 1996


alt.information
"Information, in lieu of ide a s -..."

18 Apr 1996


Hit & Run XXX
"Flip channels in the l a t e..."

17 Apr 1996


Burn Baby Burn
"The idea was to have a networ k..."

16 Apr 1996


Meltdown
"Whether you're trying to ca t e r..."

15 Apr 1996


And The Bandwidth Played On
"The optimist looks at the Web an d..."

12 Apr 1996


Nitecrawler
"Past 2 AM, raining. There was n o..."

11 Apr 1996


Hit & Run XXIX
"Ray Magliozzi 'Car Talk' gu y s ,..."

10 Apr 1996


C Is For Cookie
"The first Thursday of ev e r y..."

9 Apr 1996


Serial Killing Time
Episodics, the gathering: Friends, with handguns

8 Apr 1996


Have It Your Way
"These days, the face of the We b..."

5 Apr 1996


Greased Lightning
"It's not snake oil they ' r e..."

4 Apr 1996


Hit & Run XXVIII
"Old media reporters must rea l l y..."

3 Apr 1996


Couch Potatoes
From value chain to food chain in 3 weeks

2 Apr 1996


Cosmetic Depth
At the-body-shop.com, beauty is only two clicks deep

1 Apr 1996


After The Fall: The Web Leftovers
Time Daily Reports

 
  Mar 1996
 

29 Mar 1996


You're Killing Me
"Mr. Samsa was no cockroa c h ,..."

28 Mar 1996


Hit & Run XXVII
Cool as Hell-vetica! More sites that are serif-fic!

27 Mar 1996


Information Underload
"If watching old-school m e d i a..."

26 Mar 1996


Gross Anatomy
"If the first misappropriation of technology is..."

25 Mar 1996


It's A Mall, Mall World
"Like Bruce Springsteen, dB A S E ,..."

22 Mar 1996


BranDead
"Consider Juvenal's time - w o r n..."

21 Mar 1996


Hit & Run XXVI
"Right To Regulate The Intern e t '..."

20 Mar 1996


Content Is as Content Does
"Every day, we confron t t h e..."

19 Mar 1996


Learning To Fly
"When a fat pheasant rises fr o m..."

18 Mar 1996


Global Village Idiots
What if Fluffy was one of us?

15 Mar 1996


Murky Brown
"If information is power, then t h e..."

14 Mar 1996


Hit & Run XXV
"Whatever happened to the Fire f l y..."

13 Mar 1996


cApital Offense
A treatise on the death of capital-ism

12 Mar 1996


Dearth of a Salesman
The Infomercial King pisses on the Blarney Stone

11 Mar 1996


Demo D'Merrier
No matter what happens, keep prattling on

8 Mar 1996


FYI
Coping with 411 directory insistence

7 Mar 1996


Hit & Run XXIV
In cyberspace, no one can hear you cream

6 Mar 1996


You May Already Be A Wiener
In the awards sweepstakes, it's a Smalley world after all

5 Mar 1996


Ad About You
We went to a conference and all we got was this lousy story

4 Mar 1996


Whirl Around the WorldNet
Every local ISP just went belly-up

1 Mar 1996


S Stands for Sell
Swill, and TED's Excellent Adventure

 
  Feb 1996
 

29 Feb 1996


Hit & Run XXIII
Ellison's Goad news, live, from megacorp.com

28 Feb 1996


Salvaging Salvo
What happens when George starts stroking that big gun

27 Feb 1996


Six Degrees of Recrimination
Ernie Warren's tragicomic HTML markup

26 Feb 1996


AOLephantiasis
Meet the uberati's New Man, Ted Leonsis

23 Feb 1996


Sit and Spin
The Ween of the Web sings a swan song for Spin

22 Feb 1996


Hit & Run XXII
Sticking it to Angelique, Cheryl, and Jackie, in the Bronx

21 Feb 1996


Sit and Spin
Satiating our taste bauds with Otter Pops

20 Feb 1996


Jean Splicing
Faded memories of the casual uniformity of levis.com

19 Feb 1996


Three-fisted Tales of...Mirth
"In the post-humor wor l d o f..."

16 Feb 1996


Xanadu Redux, Part I
Performance art at the W3C

15 Feb 1996


Hit & Run XXI
"The latest issue of Time on l y..."

14 Feb 1996


OK Marketing
Things are going to be OK (TM)

13 Feb 1996


Fluff Love
Sometimes the line between plush toy and push toy becomes a little blurry

12 Feb 1996


The Devil You Know
Why Blackbird's cock robin act made 1995 like 1984

9 Feb 1996


A Special Media Moment
Playing the race card with Geraldo at Time

8 Feb 1996


Hit & Run XX
"Almost as exciting as signing t h e..."

7 Feb 1996


Dysfunction's Function Got the Unction
A ritual observation of the venal Equinox

6 Feb 1996


Persistence of... Something
When you mix cool and hot media, you don't get a McDLT

5 Feb 1996


Cramping Our Style
An application of the rag to tampax.com

2 Feb 1996


Extra Value Meal
We deserve a FreeRide today, and everyday

1 Feb 1996


Hit & Run XIX
A shocked Beavis asks the Journal to pull Microsoft's finger

 
  Jan 1996
 

31 Jan 1996


Miss Sarajevo
Snapple. We wept. We cried. It's over. Go home

30 Jan 1996


Wired For Dummies
As the world Turners in the Spiv cycle

29 Jan 1996


Sublimating Aggression
A marathon descent into the Blood Bowl

26 Jan 1996


YAJSU's Sun-roasted Java
JavaSoft shows its delicate underbelly

25 Jan 1996


Hit & Run XVIII
Drinking to Suck on ladies' night

24 Jan 1996


Agents Provocateurs
Software that acts intelligent for you

23 Jan 1996


Play MiSTie For Me
Comedy Central adds a little mystery to the science theater

22 Jan 1996


Designing Imposters
A blow-by-blow of a site that doesn't suck

19 Jan 1996


Flowers for Butt-head
There's little virtual about Virtual Stupidity

18 Jan 1996


Hit & Run XVII
Four months to live with an impotent Duchamp

17 Jan 1996


The Other Java
Where the local digerati go to meet and greet

16 Jan 1996


TV Guide Writ Cool
Watch it devolve: Glenn Davis attempts to project cool

15 Jan 1996


The Doctor is IN
Ferndale introduces us to the hypocritic oath

12 Jan 1996


Dig We Must
It's realllllly cooooool at the Wiener Roast

11 Jan 1996


Hit & Run XVI
Boredom and indignation at MacWorld Expo

10 Jan 1996


The Bookmark Less Traveled
Bookmark 'em all, let God sort 'em out

9 Jan 1996


Roostermoose Lays An Egg
High self esteem for the net-endowed

8 Jan 1996


The Rule
There is one Rule, and one Rule only

5 Jan 1996


Momentary Lapse of Treason
Traffic jams to the beat of dark hearts

4 Jan 1996


Hit & Run XV
Continuing in our descent to buns, hooters, and Vienna Sausages

3 Jan 1996


Speed Racer Has Left The Building
The loopy, day-glo utopia of Saturday morning fever

2 Jan 1996


All Dressed Up With No Place To Go
At SFNYE, everything old is new again