S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 30 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 

If you're like us, you've always found the vaguely ominous talismans of the tarot deck about as easy to comprehend as the notebooks of Charles Crumb. Help is on the way, with a Suck 1000 tarot deck.

THE DEVIL

Bondage
Materialism
Ignorance
Hopelessness

becomes ...

THE REGIS

Bandages up lame ABC-TV prime time schedule
Immaterial trivia
Is that your answer?
Help, I can't stop watching.


THE MAGICIAN

Action
Conscious Awareness
Concentration
Power

becomes ...

THE DAVID COPPERFIELD

Hammy, choreographed abracadabra gestures
Conscious Awareness that he seems very gay, hence bogus marriage with supermodel
Feigned concentration on making the Statue of Liberty disappear while the TV cameras move to a separate island
Poise!


THE STAR

Hope
Inspiration
Generosity
Serenity

becomes ...

THE STARR

Searching through grade school bathroom graffiti in Hope, Arkansas
Perspiration
Generalissimo
Semen Stains


WHEEL OF FORTUNE

Destiny
Turning Point
Movement
Personal Vision

becomes ...

WHEEL!...OF!
...FORTUNE!

Density of contestants who can't figure out F_DDL_R _N TH_ R__F
Turning Letters
Movement of Vanna's aging but still svelte hips
Personal wealth of Merv Griffin


 
TEMPERANCE

Temperance
Balance
Health
Combination

becomes ...

COMPLETE HEDONISM

Temper that 'lude with a line
Can't balance during roadside sobriety test
Empty promise to self to visit health club the next afternoon
Cheese-Filled Combos


 


words the Sucksters   pictures Terry Colon