* Note: This only works if your mother actually loves you.

** The cheaper the better — she won't know. Try the local drug store for this one.

† Note: This only works if your dad actually loves you.

†† This will pay off — big — or we wouldn't ask you to do it.

‡ Figuratively. Unless your dog really does see your sexual attentions as a gift. Oh, we know you like to think she does.

‡‡ Surly teens just love to be shamed in public!