"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 3 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Most Excellent Rumors



Many of the following reports have been fabricated, but some are true. Can you tell which ones are real? It doesn't matter: Repeat all of these wild allegations, and soon they will all appear as fact in schoolyards, on Usenet, and throughout the pages of understaffed, small-town newspapers across the world.


Adidas. This athletic footwear, made in Southeast Asia, uses leather made from the hides of the cutest little striped monkeys in the whole world. Unfortunately, these monkeys, which proportionally have the biggest eyes and pinkest hands of any mammal, are now on the verge of extinction. The company has stated that when the last little primate is gone, it will switch to a more readily available shoe fabric, such as cat.


Altoids. These curiously strong mints derive their flavor from natural peppermint oil, but the strength is achieved using the same aluminum powder that's found in stick antiperspirant, which closes the pores on the tongue and creates that sharp stinging sensation.



AT&T. The largest domestic telecommunications company exports live phone calls from North America to Africa, China, and Mexico, where private conversations are blasted over loudspeakers into classrooms, where AT&T teaches low-cost foreign operators to speak English.


Gatorade. The salts in Gatorade act as a hair remover. That's why Terry Bradshaw, who often had Gatorade dumped on his head as a winning quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, is bald. Olympic swimmers often bathe in Gatorade or Sunny Delight to remove body hair that creates drag in the water.


Hollywood. General rule of thumb: All actors are gay, especially Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is, unless they're openly bi or homosexual, à la Andy Dick, in which case they are only pretending to be gay for the publicity. In other entertainment news, the toys manufactured for Michael Jordan's Space Jam were recycled by Galoob Corporation from dangerous, unsold Jurassic Park missile launchers recalled in a lawsuit.


Humvees. These extra-wide, Jeep-like all-terrain vehicles are crafted from surplus military scrap salvaged from Operation Desert Storm, and Hummer owners often suffer the same nervous disorders and chemical-related symptoms as soldiers who complain of Gulf War Syndrome.


Kentucky Fried Chicken. It is a well-known fact that the birds used by Kentucky Fried Chicken are bred without anuses. Every speck of nourishment these creatures eat in a lifetime is stored in their thighs, breasts, and legs. When a hen drops dead on the lot, it is ground up and fed to the other fowl. Otherwise, KFC birds mostly eat deep-discount fish from the Chernobyl area.



McDonald's. It is 100 percent legal for McDonald's to use laboratory-harvested earthworms in its burgers, and it does. To increase the protein available in burger patties, scientists inject batches of meat with powdered sperm, which is the only part that actually does come from cattle. The names Big Mac and Quarter Pounder were created because these sandwiches no longer fit the legal definition of hamburger.


Mentos. These candies are Dutch contraceptives with the active ingredients removed, but once in a while a Scandinavian kid gets ahold of a bad batch and is rendered sterile for life. Most of the actors in Mentos ads have been previously maimed in this way. Mentos also contain Styrofoam.

Milk. The calcium in milk causes osteoporosis and bone spurs in human adults. All varieties except organic milk also contain enough bovine growth hormones to make young men grow breasts.

Mountain Dew. One can of this soft drink contains more nicotine than 10 Marlboro cigarettes.



Pepsi. Michael J. Fox drinks Pepsi in Back to the Future. He got free Pepsi for life afterward. That's what gave him Parkinson's disease.

Reese's Pieces. The ingredients of this candy include rectified beef lips. Several English kids have gotten mad cow disease from eating Reese's Pieces.


Sony PlayStation. Sony PlayStation games cost less than one dollar to manufacture, so when sold at retail for US$59.95, the markup is more than 6,000 percent. Sony uses the vast sums it reaps this way to subsidize the fishing business it started in 1834 — lobbying to protect its right to catch dolphins and small whales in its nets when in international waters.



Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan played nerdy kid Jamie on the sitcom Small Wonder from 1985 to 1989. He was the brother of the main character, Vicki, a robot girl, and his job was to protect her secret identity from being discovered.


Suck.com. This Web site was founded by the same two kids who went on to do TheGlobe.com. One of them is the brother of Harmony Korine.


Tommy Hilfiger. This fashion magnate got his start designing outfits for clowns in the circus, which is where he began the practice of using primary colors and baggy architecture.


White Castle. A burger outlet catering to patrons of Yankee Stadium toilet stalls in the 1930s, it kept the design motif as the franchise grew. The holes are not to cut meat costs, as is often assumed, but rather to reduce the level of nitrites and fecal matter to a level that meets federal requirements.


Wow! Brand Lay's, Ruffles, and Doritos Chips. It's best to leave this list not with a lie but with an easily verified truth. Like all products containing the plastic fat substitute Olean, Wow! chips bear the following Food and Drug Administration–mandated warning label: "This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients."


So now you know.

courtesy of DJ Abraham Lincoln