Unfortunately, Halloween horrors no longer wait until dark to start haunting you. Like roving freelance massage practitioners and corporate shrinks, ghoulish office revelry has infiltrated the contemporary workplace in the name of a balanced life — but are you really equipped to endure Marian from Accounting's spooky knock-knock jokes or the sight of the entire marketing department in Austin Powers drag? To find out if you're Halloween-at-work compliant or if you should just stay home that day with a case of pumpkin flu, take our short quiz.



1. You unexpectedly run into your company's CEO in the hallway. Normally, he's surly and uncommunicative, but today he's wearing a pair of large pink bunny ears. How do you respond?

a. Smile broadly and exclaim, "Great costume, Mr. Ellison!"

b. Make appreciative ha-ha noises while looking mostly at the floor.

c. Punch him in the chest and shout, "Bunny ears! Bunny ears! Wouldn't a bulbous red nose be more appropriate, you big fucking clown?"


2. When your former cubicle-mate Lois asks you why you're not dressed up, you say:

a. "Oh, I just like to appreciate everyone else's costumes — like your awesome Xena outfit. It's so cool!"

b. Make ambiguous um ... uh ... noises while looking mostly at the floor.

c. "Oh, but I am dressed up, don't you get it? I'm The Bitter Tech Support Bitch Who Lost Out on that Great-Paying Supervisor Job to the Freak Who Wears Plastic-Tit-Armor to Work."


3. During Marian from Accounting's special lunch-time presentation on ethical paganism, you:

a. Take lots of notes and tell Marian that you never fully appreciated the direct relationship between skinning a large Maine Coon cat in estrus and next year's alfalfa harvest.

b. Try not to giggle too much as Marian explains how she got "sky-clad" at "Roodmas 1999!"

c. Stand up, wave a large crucifix at Marian, hurl Holy Water, and scream, "I command you, demon, by the power of Sabarbarbathioth, Sabarbarbathiouth, Sabarbarbathioneth: Stay away from Marian from Accounting! Quickly! Now! Come out, demon! I bind you with unbreakable chains of adamant! I cast you into the abyss of Hell!"


4. It's late in the afternoon, and for some reason, there's no one in the office kitchen but you and the big plastic pumpkin filled with Halloween treats for a party scheduled to commence in half an hour. You:

a. Take two of your favorites to eat later, then go back to your desk and resume working.

b. Take five of your favorites to eat now, then return 10 minutes later for five more.

c. Devour three-quarters of the candy right there, then throw the empty wrappers back in an effort to disguise how much you took.


5. Your idea of a good workplace trick is to:

a. Pour Tang into the water cooler until it takes on a festive Halloween hue.

b. Xerox your butt like you always do, then decorate the entire office with copies of the resulting "ass ghosts."

c. Leave gift bags of your special Kevorkian Chews on all of your favorite co-workers' desks.



Scoring: Award yourself 1 point for every "a" answer, 2 points for every "b" answer, and 3 points for every "c" answer.

5 to 7 points: It's safe for you to go to work on Halloween. In fact, you're probably helping to organize the festivities.

7 to 10 points: You can probably get through the day without any major incidents, but we recommend that you stay sober and keep close to your desk at all times.

11 to 15 points: Why are you reading this when you're supposed to be delivering our mail? No wonder it always arrives so late.



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