"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 24 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

We must confess that we, too, were surprised when an anonymous employee of a Washington, DC, political consulting firm emailed us the big news: Campaign 2000 was going to be the first campaign featuring not only an Andre the Giant-esque pituitary case as a kingmaker but also the renewed use of campaign theme songs! We were overjoyed. Who can forget, after all, Sinatra's "High Hopes" for JFK or "Disco Carter" by Kool & the Gang?

Then we read past the first line and found — as is often the case when we read past the first line — that it was deeper and more nuanced than we'd suspected. Apparently the political consulting firm was writing positive declarations of candidates' virtues (we especially like the Kurtis Blow remix tribute to "Dollar" Bill Bradley) but also negative jingles, perhaps not unlike Zeitgeist anthem "Don't Want No Scrubs."

So we gleaned from the best and most vicious and singable of these ditties and now, as a public service, present them to you way ahead of the media pack. Enjoy.

Beatty  Bush    Quayle    Dole 
Buchanan    Keyes    Gore    Bradley

James Bong

Terry Colon