"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 3 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.


When we're not reheating received ideas or pandering to people we're hoping will hire us, the Sucksters like nothing better than to ponder life's big questions. While most of Suck's life-experience wisdom can be boiled down to the aphorism, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie," we've got other issues on our minds. The ravages of age are moisturized in Suck's Getting Old quiz. On the other hand, as you can see, we're not quite sharp enough to figure out whether people really are Getting Dumber all the time. Everything we know about friends that we didn't learn from Friends can be found in our Illustrated Encyclopedia of Friendship, and our manual of Lowered Expectations will tell you everything you ever wanted to know about the vanity of human wishes. Chew on these koans at your leisure, while we check ourselves into the Betty Ford Clinic and get prepared for next week's return to daily, full-frontal Suck.

courtesy of the Sucksters