S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 26 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Hit & Run CXCIII

 

[]

While The Blair Witch Project

explosion may have been the

entertainment horror story of

the summer, a nice sidelight has

been co-director Eduardo

Sánchez's efforts to

maintain a practically

first-name relationship with a fan

base that quickly grew into the

millions. We spoke with

Sánchez to get his

perspective on the phenomenon

— and to see if we could get

him to buy some Blair Witch

Incence [sic] for the Mind.

 

You've had a lot of
success in the past few
months, and we're
wondering how that has
gone to your head. Have
you, for example, bought
some restaurant just so
you can fire a surly
waitress?

Not yet, but I'm putting
in a bid on one right now.
It's going all right
though. I bought a house,
I bought a car, I bought
my sister a car. I'm
putting my other sister
through college. Just
stuff like that: I gave
some money to my
parents....

This is all good-guy
stuff. We need some
Hollywood asshole stuff.

Nothing yet, man. I'll
call you when I do
something stupid.

Have you yet used the
following phrase: "Do you
know who I am? Do you
know who the fuck I am?

Only to my friends.

How many old enemies do
you plan to rub your
success into?

A lot, man.

Anybody you care to name?

No, nobody I want to name.
Are you crazy?

In pictures you seem to be
a pretty tall guy.

I'm six-seven.

A veritable giant. Tall
people are supposed to
make more money than short
people: Do you find being
tall helps you push people
around?

It gives people the
impression that you know
what you're doing. But
that's kind of an illusion
I create. The illusion of
authority.

Do you have a simple home
remedy for Blair Witch
motion sickness?

Now that the shows aren't
selling out so much, we
recommend that you try to
get seats as far back in
the theater as you can.
Try not to eat before you
go, and pop a Dramamine.

I don't know about that.
We sat in the very last
row, and in the scene
where Mike gets killed,
some guy to our right
jumped out of his seat and
slammed his head
against the wall.

Is he suing us? Because
we're getting sued a lot
now.

Who's suing you?

Everybody.

Can I sue you?

I don't know, man.

Now that the backlash is
in full force, what do you
say to all these
malcontents who are
running around saying, "I
could make a scarier movie
with my head up my ass!"

Well, I want to see them
do it. I'm looking forward
to watching it.

Oh, come on!

I really am. I mean, I
just saw The Sixth Sense
[which barely kept The
Blair Witch Project
from
reaching the box office
summit], and it was a good
movie. I really liked it.
I was scared at some
points, and I'm looking
for more people to do more
things like that.

You can be sure that right
now the guy who bumped
his head is telling
people he wasn't
scared.

I've heard a lot of
different reactions: I've
heard, like, people who
can't get out of the
theater seats after
watching the film ... a
bunch of stuff like that.
There's been a lot of
vomiting, which is good.
It's good to have your
film known as the film
that makes people vomit.
I'm proud of that.

I think now people are
going in there kind of
with a chip on their
shoulder, like "Ah, I'm
not gonna be scared by
this." But then maybe when
they go home late at night
and try to start falling
asleep, then it might
start hitting them. I
mean, of course there are
going to be people who say
they weren't scared. Even
if we could get one out of
every 10 people to be
scared, I think that's
pretty good.

You're a fan of ominous
'70s TV shows like In
Search Of
and so on. Were
you a Kolchak: The Night
Stalker
man?

No, man, you know I
wasn't. You know there
were some shows when you
were a kid that you would
catch a couple of times,
but for some reason they'd
change the times so you
could never find them. That
was one of those shows
where I would always,
like, catch the end of it
or just catch the end
theme and be like, "Damn!
I missed it!" I watched
that show a couple of
times, but I can't really
remember it. I'm sure I
would have liked it. I'm
actually thinking of
renting all of them;
they're all available on
video now, so I'm thinking
of renting all of them and
watching them all.

You should, because with
all due respect, Kolchak
would have kicked the
Blair Witch's hairy ass.

I've heard that, man. I
hear he was a pretty tough
motherfucker.

Not tough but cagey and
intrepid.

Well, he was hard core.
I've heard that.

Have you ever seen
anything scarier than the
opening credits of Night
Gallery?

Maybe the opening credits
of Graffiti Bridge.

I've got a friend whose
house is pretty much in
the same shape as the Hell
House at the end of the
movie. Should I take any
precautions when I visit
him?

Just don't go in the
cellar. And if you see
anybody standing in the
corner, don't disturb him
because he might be in
some kind of trouble.


 

[]

If you need further proof that

size matters in stardom,

consider the disparity in

actors' animal rights activism.

While strapping bucks like Alec

Baldwin take to the barricades

in defense of Central Park

carriage horses, the smallest of

creatures have only Mickey

Rooney as their champion. This

week, the diminutive star of

Cell Block Girls and Rudolph and

Frosty's Christmas in July held

a press conference decrying

crush video, the porn genre that

specializes in shots of women in

stiletto heels crushing frogs,

hamsters, and other tiny

critters. Don't get us wrong: We

share the Mickster's umbrage and

are happy to see that the

one-time box-office master is

still hip to true underground

culture. But after seeing

sophisticated city girls

figuratively crush Andy Hardy's

little heart in movie after

movie, we have to wonder if he

didn't somehow set the stage for

this deplorable "art" form.

 

[]

Last week's discovery of Nazi

graffiti at Columbine High

School proves once again that

there is something rotten in

America's schools, but it took

sharp-eyed school security

officers in Harrison County,

Mississippi, to figure out that

the Jews are to blame. In

prohibiting 11th-grader Ryan

Green from wearing a Star of

David in school, the Harrison

County School Board invoked a

policy against gang symbols.

Which gang Ryan was representing

remains an open question, though

Mossad's official policy is to

avoid recruiting minors except

when absolutely necessary. The

school board's decision to

reverse its policy and allow

Green to wear his colors is

being attributed to pressure

from both Pat Robertson and the

ACLU (reports that Ryan's father

Tom Green threatened a campaign

of slow-moving, comedy

performance pieces against the

school have proved groundless).

The boy's family says it is

"truly joyous" and looking

forward to the time when the

school will begin forcing the

boy to pledge his love of Jesus

at the start of every school

day.

 

[]

While you still can't get a

disease from a toilet seat,

simple numbers made it

inevitable that we would see an

Internet-generated STD outbreak

eventually. Health officials

have traced an outbreak of

syphilis to SFM4M, America

Online's chat area for gay men

in the San Francisco area.

Sparking seven infections, the

incident made for a brief

privacy-versus-public-health

debate. The matter was solved

quickly when members of Planet

Out took to the chat room to

spread the safety-first message.

Fears of further infections

subsided when it was discovered

that all the other chatters were

gay bashers who went there

specifically to talk

about beating up homos.

 

[]

The organizers of Brady World

have alerted us to a shortage of

congratulatory messages on the

Official Florence Henderson

site. Mrs. Brady's new status as

the co-host of Later Today

offers a chance for

post-post-post-ironic fans to

send her messages of

congratulations. So far, only 10

people have bothered, a number

we find almost low enough to be

encouraging. If you're a Brady

fan, please post your miserable

message so we'll know to avoid

you in the future.

 

[]

Make no mistake: Between the

screaming fans, the media

interviews, the sold-out

theaters, and the

celebrity-studded cocktail

galas, the life of a religious

ascetic can be mighty stressful.

In fact, it can be enough to

make a Buddhist monk reach for

the Xanax. That was made clear

during the Dalai Lama's recent

victory tour of New York City.

In the hottest Central Park gig

since cowboy-hatted stooge Garth

Brooks performed a free concert,

tens of thousands of New Yorkers

gathered to watch the feel-good

guru model the latest

free-flowing Tibetan fashions

and hear him explain why they

should count to 10 the next time

the clerk at Starbucks keeps

them waiting more than six

seconds for their mocha lattes.

Whether his plugs for compassion

and reflection were getting

through to a crowd more likely

to have an ecstatic experience

at Bergdorf's than a Buddhist

temple wasn't entirely clear,

though some serenely managed to

capture it on videotape for

later home viewing. "As soon as

he started talking about peace,

people were yelling at each

other to sit down," one

spiritual seeker complained to

the Daily News. Nobody ever said

enlightenment was easy.

 
courtesy of the Sucksters
 
 
 
 
 
 



[Purchase the Suck Book here]