"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 24 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Are We Not Men?

[Please, don't forget the sunscreen on your feeet]

For its decision to teach

18th-century science to

21st-century students, the

Kansas Board of Education has

taken quite a licking in recent

weeks — but doesn't every

bold idea attract ridicule at

first? As longtime believers in

such sensible post-medieval

hypotheses as phlogiston, the

animalcule, and spontaneous

generation, we think much modern

science does not stand up to

common sense application, and

worse, has failed to move ahead

with the therapeutic climate of

the 1990s. It would seem that

the Kansas Board of Education

agrees, and to this end, has

retrofitted all of the major

subjects in its curricula to

suit the developmental needs of

Jayhawk youths.


Physics: The study of matter and

energy might seem incongruous

with spirited moral inquiry, but

only if one underestimates the

power of modern Christian

education with a postmodern

punch! Kansas Public Schools

have thrown out Einsteinian

relativity, with its

significantly disorienting

subjectivities and odious

non-Christian origin. In its

place will be taught the

classical models of the

Aristotelian universe, in which

glass spheres containing the

stars and planets rub against

one another, emitting a music

with celestial harmonies audible

only to the angels and tenured

educators. In addition, students

will be taught such modified

principles of modern physics as

Heisenberg's Certainty

Principle, which states that the

teacher is always right;

Gödel It on the Mountain,

which states that although

nothing in the Bible proves

anything, if you teach it in

fields external to the Bible, it

will automatically become true;

and they will get course work

that includes Count 'Em Physics,

a fun and easy approach to

mathematical modeling that uses

arithmetic and real numbers

instead of such immoral figures

as pi and Planck's constant,

with their edge-of-the-wedge



Elective courses on the logical

impossibility of flight will

also be offered.


[Hollywood Bound]

Astronomy: No longer will

impressionable youngsters be

taught that the cosmos began

with a "big bang." The sexual

connotation of this phrase is

patently objectionable and,

moreover, directly contradicts

the Bible. The universe

beginning in a blast of light?!

Every Kansas student should know

that the universe began when

"darkness was upon the face of

the deep" — a contradiction

that only years of Bible study

and sleep deprivation can

reconcile. Nor will the Genesis

narrative be presented as the

only explanation: Alternate

theories, such as the cosmos'

emerging from the stomach of

Zeus, will also be taught as a

gesture of pluralistic



Computer Science: It would be

remiss of the Kansas Board of

Education to fail to equip its

charges with the necessary

knowledge to "log on" to our

computerized society. References

to "artificial intelligence" are

to be deleted, since they seem

to annex the divine prerogative;

also, system-file organization

will be taught only in

nonhierarchical modes, since

only God can make a tree. Those

aspects of computer science that

seem to contradict the moral law

will also be excluded, including

programming languages that do

not state their purpose in

unambiguous American idioms

translated from ninth-generation

Ugaritic; object-oriented

programming that does not have

good works as its object; and

if-then circuits that do not

presume God has a plan worked

out for all things in His



[Slave to my rodents]

Meteorology: The well-regulated

movement of the clouds and sun

should no longer be presented as

a random occurrence or merely

the product of hemispheric

patterns. As God-fearing farm

folk, Kansans understand the

weather for what it is: a divine

reward or punishment for their

actions. Students will be taught

practical meterological arts,

such as intestine-reading

(gastromancy), the conjuring of

expired ancestors (necromancy),

as well as more controversial

practices. Students will be

encouraged to examine their own

behavior and those of leading

secular leaders to understand

weather patterns. And they will

be instructed in practical arts

of self-flagellation and

mutilation, as ordained by the

high priests.


Physical Education: Children

gain a well-rounded education by

exposure to the vigorous arts of

exercise and health, and the

clear-eyed kids of Kansas are no

exception. A course of vigorous

calisthenics is required of all

able-bodied students, with the

lame and disabled excused for

their obvious disfavor with the



Chemistry: Dogmatic liberals who

insist that matter is composed

of "atoms" have no physical

proof for such far-fetched

speculation. Therefore,

"atomism" will be taught as one

theory among several.

Contemporary rival theories such

as the Winnebago "trickster"

myth — which holds that all

matter arises from the magical

semen of a proto-human ur-figure

with an endless phallus —

will also be taught, as well as

the traditional Christian

understanding of matter as a

manifestation of divine favor or

punishment (cross-listed with



In addition, students will be

made to memorize the table of

the elements (air, earth, fire,

and water), with advanced

students studying the action of

these elements in the astral and

ethereal planes. Franklin's

theory of "electricity" will be

taught to advanced students.


[Six hours on I-5]

Civics: The formation of good

citizens is essential to any

school program, and Kansas

students will be trained in all

the essentials for life in the

polis, including training in the

creation of civic odes and

elegies, as well as epic

foundation narratives (for urban

students); the various modes of

blood sacrifice, both of

citizens and prisoners of war,

for good luck in the coming

harvest; the participation in

National Rifle Association voter

drives; and the techniques of

jurisprudence ranging from

ordeal by fire to ordeal by

water. Courses will be taught by

special licenses granted only by

the High Pythoness to high

priests with impeccable family

values and a demonstrated belief

in theocracy as the best model

for public school legislation.


The Kansas Public School

curricula represent dynamic,

expanding courses of study that

bring the very best of

millennial atavism into close

contact with our most

progressive social engineering.

Suck believes the Kansas Public

Schools, which, we are told, are

attended wholly by the children

of fundamentalist Christians,

hold in them the answers to all

of our most pressing societal

crises, from Y2K to what to do

when a man puts out his

manservant's eye. Finally, after

so much wrangling over the state

of culture, diversity, and gun

control, America's students are

at last getting the education

they richly deserve.

courtesy of theMoleman

[Purchase the Suck Book here]