According to a study in today's

issue of the science journal

Nature, several strains of

bacteria are becoming resistant

to antibiotics.

According to a study quoted in

today's New York Times, several

strains of bacteria are becoming

resistant to antibiotics.

According to a study in today's

issue of Nature, The New York

Times regularly quotes studies

published originally in Nature.

According to a report in today's

Washington Post, The New York

Times relies too heavily on the

journal Nature for much of its

science reporting. Further, said

the report, The Washington Post

avoids this impropriety simply

by not reporting on the

sciences, except in this

instance.

According to an editorial in

today's New York Times, it is

the duty of scientific journals

to publish primary research. The

Times reports on this research

"as a matter of news in the

public interest."

According to an ombudsman in

today's Boston Globe, The New

York Times makes the entire

contents of its paper available

ahead of time to all other

papers "through a kind of magic

or voodoo," which is too

complicated for the average reader

to comprehend. The same occult

mechanism makes it possible for

the Times to know what everyone

else will publish a day in

advance.

According to a rumor published

in the New York Post, a

disgruntled scientist at the

journal Nature is seeking

financing for a project called

Nurture, which will debunk the

"flawed" studies in Nature.

Reportedly, it will act as a

syndicate for The New York

Times too.

According to a media kit

included with last week's issue

of The New England Journal of

Medicine, from a daily

newspaper's standpoint, there

are no other regional medical

journals worth citing.

According to the cover of this

week's Journal of the American

Medical Association,

provincialism automatically

subverts editorial credibility,

"especially when you're talking

medicine."

According to the Los Angeles

Times, there is no real need or

demand for science reporting on

the West Coast because people

there are more "centered."

According to a letter to the

editor published recently in the

San Francisco Chronicle, science

reporting is "inherently

phallocentric." The author did

not say whether this was a good

or a bad thing, although he

indicated that Viagra was "a

sound scientific development."

According to a story in the

Chicago Sun-Times, several

classified ads in a forthcoming

issue of the Village Voice

suggest that Live Sluts Want 2

Make U Horny.

According to a groundbreaking

report in The Wall Street

Journal, all scientific studies

of any significance are first

published in the journal

Nature.

According to the masthead in

today's issue of the journal

Nature, a small group of

powerful scientists and editors

meets once a month to plan the

world's most significant

scientific studies.

According to private notes from

an editorial meeting at the

journal Nature, someone has been

"leaking" minutes of editorial

meetings to an unnamed but

widely recognized New York

Times reporter.

According to a forthcoming

survey in Nature, The New York

Times has had a deleterious

effect on Nature's

subscriptions, newsstand sales,

and circulation.

According to the unpublished

ruminations of a New York Times

science reporter overheard in a

SoHo bar, the journal Nature has

gotten a great deal of positive

exposure, and "they'd never sue

us, not in a million years.

Right? How could she do that to

me?"

According to today's issue of

Nature, The New York Times

reports that some strains of

bacteria have mutated into a

huge anachronistic dinosaur that

could easily defeat Rodan in a

direct conflict in downtown

Tokyo, although many human lives

would be lost. The Nature study

ends, inexplicably, with the

phrase, "How do you like them

apples, NYT?"

According to a correction

published in The New York

Times, the journal Nature misquoted

a Times citation of a study on

bacteria and antibiotics.

According to a classified ad in

the Village Voice, Sherry

forgives Paul and begs for his

immediate return, along with her

"cherished January '98 and

September '95 issues."

According to divorce-court

records in The New York

Observer, a New York Times reporter

and a Nature scientist have finally

resolved an acrimonious marital

dispute by agreeing "not to read

each other's periodicals."

According to a correction in

today's Asahi Shimbun, the armed

forces is not, as initially believed,

proceeding with Operation Destroy All

Monsters, designed to protect greater

Tokyo through the use of fast-burning

tanks and airplanes. The newspaper

regrets the error.